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the big movie cow

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  • David Bratman
    (no spoiler warning on this post: everything I m revealing here is from the books) Here s what happens in The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. Thorin and
    Message 1 of 7 , Dec 13, 2013
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      (no spoiler warning on this post: everything I'm revealing here is from the
      books)

      Here's what happens in "The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug."

      Thorin and Company visit Beorn, and ride borrowed steeds to the eaves of
      Mirkwood, where Gandalf leaves them to deal with Dol Guldur. In the forest,
      Bilbo climbs a tree to have a lookout. They're attacked by spiders, and the
      dwarves are captured by the Elves. Bilbo swipes a key and releases them,
      and they escape in barrels, and go to Laketown. At the Mountain, Thorin
      opens the side door with the key; Bilbo goes down and talks with Smaug; the
      dragon flies off to attack Laketown.

      That's it. Nearly three hours long, and that single paragraph of plot is,
      as far as I can make it, the entire sum total of what this movie took from
      _The Hobbit_. Everything else in it, nearly three hours of it, is STUFF PJ
      MADE UP. Or changed beyond recognition; for instance, the two words "visit
      Beorn"? That's about all that _that_ scene has in common with the book. A
      few things I left out of the summary may seem to be from the book, but
      they're not; for instance, the Elvenking interrogates Thorin, but the
      conversation is entirely different; and Bard appears, but his role is
      entirely different.

      And don't tell me it's all from LOTR, or the Appendices, or the
      Silmarillion. If I haven't missed anything, here's everything the movie got
      from there:
      1) Flashback to Thorin meeting Gandalf in Bree;
      2) Identification of the Necromancer with Sauron, and the consequent general
      threat to the peace of Middle-earth;
      3) Legolas (who looks far older than he did in the LOTR films: do Elves age
      backwards?)
      4) Brief allusions to Galadriel;
      6) Athelas as a healing weed.

      Since I promised no spoilers, I can't tell you who needs the athelas and
      why, or any of the other gargantuan wads of stuff that PJ just completely
      made up. I can only say that much of the movie is turned into an endless
      series of chase and fight scenes, Gandalf gets one failed attempt at
      wizard-fu, and that the space between the last two items in my summary
      (Bilbo meeting Smaug and the dragon flying off) is largely filled with what
      seemed like two or three hours' worth of the most utterly non-textual,
      utterly tiresome, implausibly restricted (because PJ can't kill off any of
      the good guys at this point, much as they deserve it), and most egregiously
      POINTLESS chase scene in five tiresome movies to date, interspersed with
      tiny flash cuts into an equally ridiculous surprise rescue scene involving
      three separate sets of characters none of whom have any business whatever
      being where they are.

      I am relieved to see that I felt far less bludgeoned over the head than at
      the previous movie. This is possibly because my eyes were rolling so far
      back in my head that I felt catatonic. But I couldn't have been, because I
      kept checking my watch in hopes that maybe the bloody thing would soon be
      OVER.

      Look, I really don't mind PJ making up a story. It's your run-of-the-mill
      fantasy adventure story, and the She-Elf (as the orcs call her; well, she's
      not in the books, but she's in the trailer so it's not really a spoiler),
      well, if you like your Warrior Princesses, she's a generic
      right-out-of-the-box Warrior Princess.

      I have just one complaint:

      What is Tolkien's name doing on it?
    • Mike Foster
      David, As I knew it would be, a delightful, wicked, and humorous review. Mike From: David Bratman Sent: Friday, December 13, 2013 6:59 PM To:
      Message 2 of 7 , Dec 13, 2013
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        David,
        As I knew it would be, a delightful, wicked, and humorous review.
         
        Mike
         
        Sent: Friday, December 13, 2013 6:59 PM
        Subject: [mythsoc] the big movie cow
         
         

        (no spoiler warning on this post: everything I'm revealing here is from the
        books)

        Here's what happens in "The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug."

        Thorin and Company visit Beorn, and ride borrowed steeds to the eaves of
        Mirkwood, where Gandalf leaves them to deal with Dol Guldur. In the forest,
        Bilbo climbs a tree to have a lookout. They're attacked by spiders, and the
        dwarves are captured by the Elves. Bilbo swipes a key and releases them,
        and they escape in barrels, and go to Laketown. At the Mountain, Thorin
        opens the side door with the key; Bilbo goes down and talks with Smaug; the
        dragon flies off to attack Laketown.

        That's it. Nearly three hours long, and that single paragraph of plot is,
        as far as I can make it, the entire sum total of what this movie took from
        _The Hobbit_. Everything else in it, nearly three hours of it, is STUFF PJ
        MADE UP. Or changed beyond recognition; for instance, the two words "visit
        Beorn"? That's about all that _that_ scene has in common with the book. A
        few things I left out of the summary may seem to be from the book, but
        they're not; for instance, the Elvenking interrogates Thorin, but the
        conversation is entirely different; and Bard appears, but his role is
        entirely different.

        And don't tell me it's all from LOTR, or the Appendices, or the
        Silmarillion. If I haven't missed anything, here's everything the movie got
        from there:
        1) Flashback to Thorin meeting Gandalf in Bree;
        2) Identification of the Necromancer with Sauron, and the consequent general
        threat to the peace of Middle-earth;
        3) Legolas (who looks far older than he did in the LOTR films: do Elves age
        backwards?)
        4) Brief allusions to Galadriel;
        6) Athelas as a healing weed.

        Since I promised no spoilers, I can't tell you who needs the athelas and
        why, or any of the other gargantuan wads of stuff that PJ just completely
        made up. I can only say that much of the movie is turned into an endless
        series of chase and fight scenes, Gandalf gets one failed attempt at
        wizard-fu, and that the space between the last two items in my summary
        (Bilbo meeting Smaug and the dragon flying off) is largely filled with what
        seemed like two or three hours' worth of the most utterly non-textual,
        utterly tiresome, implausibly restricted (because PJ can't kill off any of
        the good guys at this point, much as they deserve it), and most egregiously
        POINTLESS chase scene in five tiresome movies to date, interspersed with
        tiny flash cuts into an equally ridiculous surprise rescue scene involving
        three separate sets of characters none of whom have any business whatever
        being where they are.

        I am relieved to see that I felt far less bludgeoned over the head than at
        the previous movie. This is possibly because my eyes were rolling so far
        back in my head that I felt catatonic. But I couldn't have been, because I
        kept checking my watch in hopes that maybe the bloody thing would soon be
        OVER.

        Look, I really don't mind PJ making up a story. It's your run-of-the-mill
        fantasy adventure story, and the She-Elf (as the orcs call her; well, she's
        not in the books, but she's in the trailer so it's not really a spoiler),
        well, if you like your Warrior Princesses, she's a generic
        right-out-of-the-box Warrior Princess.

        I have just one complaint:

        What is Tolkien's name doing on it?

      • Berni Phillips
        If anyone asked if I planned to see this movie, I can’t rightfully give my usual answer of “no, but I read the book” – since this appears to be nothing
        Message 3 of 7 , Dec 13, 2013
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          If anyone asked if I planned to see this movie, I can’t rightfully give my usual answer of “no, but I read the book” – since this appears to be nothing like the book.

           

          Perhaps I’ll just wait for the novelization to come out.

           

          Berni

           

           

          From: mythsoc@yahoogroups.com [mailto:mythsoc@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of Mike Foster
          Sent: Friday, December 13, 2013 7:07 PM
          To: mythsoc@yahoogroups.com
          Subject: Re: [mythsoc] the big movie cow

           




          David,

          As I knew it would be, a delightful, wicked, and humorous review.

           

          Mike

           

          Sent: Friday, December 13, 2013 6:59 PM

          Subject: [mythsoc] the big movie cow

           

           

          (no spoiler warning on this post: everything I'm revealing here is from the
          books)

          Here's what happens in "The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug."

          Thorin and Company visit Beorn, and ride borrowed steeds to the eaves of
          Mirkwood, where Gandalf leaves them to deal with Dol Guldur. In the forest,
          Bilbo climbs a tree to have a lookout. They're attacked by spiders, and the
          dwarves are captured by the Elves. Bilbo swipes a key and releases them,
          and they escape in barrels, and go to Laketown. At the Mountain, Thorin
          opens the side door with the key; Bilbo goes down and talks with Smaug; the
          dragon flies off to attack Laketown.

          That's it. Nearly three hours long, and that single paragraph of plot is,
          as far as I can make it, the entire sum total of what this movie took from
          _The Hobbit_. Everything else in it, nearly three hours of it, is STUFF PJ
          MADE UP. Or changed beyond recognition; for instance, the two words "visit
          Beorn"? That's about all that _that_ scene has in common with the book. A
          few things I left out of the summary may seem to be from the book, but
          they're not; for instance, the Elvenking interrogates Thorin, but the
          conversation is entirely different; and Bard appears, but his role is
          entirely different.

          And don't tell me it's all from LOTR, or the Appendices, or the
          Silmarillion. If I haven't missed anything, here's everything the movie got
          from there:
          1) Flashback to Thorin meeting Gandalf in Bree;
          2) Identification of the Necromancer with Sauron, and the consequent general
          threat to the peace of Middle-earth;
          3) Legolas (who looks far older than he did in the LOTR films: do Elves age
          backwards?)
          4) Brief allusions to Galadriel;
          6) Athelas as a healing weed.

          Since I promised no spoilers, I can't tell you who needs the athelas and
          why, or any of the other gargantuan wads of stuff that PJ just completely
          made up. I can only say that much of the movie is turned into an endless
          series of chase and fight scenes, Gandalf gets one failed attempt at
          wizard-fu, and that the space between the last two items in my summary
          (Bilbo meeting Smaug and the dragon flying off) is largely filled with what
          seemed like two or three hours' worth of the most utterly non-textual,
          utterly tiresome, implausibly restricted (because PJ can't kill off any of
          the good guys at this point, much as they deserve it), and most egregiously
          POINTLESS chase scene in five tiresome movies to date, interspersed with
          tiny flash cuts into an equally ridiculous surprise rescue scene involving
          three separate sets of characters none of whom have any business whatever
          being where they are.

          I am relieved to see that I felt far less bludgeoned over the head than at
          the previous movie. This is possibly because my eyes were rolling so far
          back in my head that I felt catatonic. But I couldn't have been, because I
          kept checking my watch in hopes that maybe the bloody thing would soon be
          OVER.

          Look, I really don't mind PJ making up a story. It's your run-of-the-mill
          fantasy adventure story, and the She-Elf (as the orcs call her; well, she's
          not in the books, but she's in the trailer so it's not really a spoiler),
          well, if you like your Warrior Princesses, she's a generic
          right-out-of-the-box Warrior Princess.

          I have just one complaint:

          What is Tolkien's name doing on it?




        • Grace Monk
          Perfect, PERFECT answer! ... Perfect, PERFECT answer! On Saturday, December 14, 2013, Berni Phillips wrote: á If anyone asked if I planned to see this movie,
          Message 4 of 7 , Dec 13, 2013
          • 0 Attachment
            Perfect, PERFECT answer!

            On Saturday, December 14, 2013, Berni Phillips wrote:
             

            If anyone asked if I planned to see this movie, I can’t rightfully give my usual answer of “no, but I read the book” – since this appears to be nothing like the book.

             

            Perhaps I’ll just wait for the novelization to come out.

             

            Berni

             

             

            From: mythsoc@yahoogroups.com [mailto:mythsoc@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of Mike Foster
            Sent: Friday, December 13, 2013 7:07 PM
            To: mythsoc@yahoogroups.com
            Subject: Re: [mythsoc] the big movie cow

             




            David,

            As I knew it would be, a delightful, wicked, and humorous review.

             

            Mike

             

            Sent: Friday, December 13, 2013 6:59 PM

            Subject: [mythsoc] the big movie cow

             

             

            (no spoiler warning on this post: everything I'm revealing here is from the
            books)

            Here's what happens in "The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug."

            Thorin and Company visit Beorn, and ride borrowed steeds to the eaves of
            Mirkwood, where Gandalf leaves them to deal with Dol Guldur. In the forest,
            Bilbo climbs a tree to have a lookout. They're attacked by spiders, and the
            dwarves are captured by the Elves. Bilbo swipes a key and releases them,
            and they escape in barrels, and go to Laketown. At the Mountain, Thorin
            opens the side door with the key; Bilbo goes down and talks with Smaug; the
            dragon flies off to attack Laketown.

            That's it. Nearly three hours long, and that single paragraph of plot is,
            as far as I can make it, the entire sum total of what this movie took from
            _The Hobbit_. Everything else in it, nearly three hours of it, is STUFF PJ
            MADE UP. Or changed beyond recognition; for instance, the two words "visit
            Beorn"? That's about all that _that_ scene has in common with the book. A
            few things I left out of the summary may seem to be from the book, but
            they're not; for instance, the Elvenking interrogates Thorin, but the
            conversation is entirely different; and Bard appears, but his role is
            entirely different.

            And don't tell me it's all from LOTR, or the Appendices, or the
            Silmarillion. If I haven't missed anything, here's everything the movie got
            from there:
            1) Flashback to Thorin meeting Gandalf in Bree;
            2) Identification of the Necromancer with Sauron, and the consequent general
            threat to the peace of Middle-earth;
            3) Legolas (who looks far older than he did in the LOTR films: do Elves age
            backwards?)
            4) Brief allusions to Galadriel;
            6) Athelas as a healing weed.

            Since I promised no spoilers, I can't tell you who needs the athelas and
            why, or any of the other gargantuan wads of stuff that PJ just completely
            made up. I can only say that much of the movie is turned into an endless
            series of chase and fight scenes, Gandalf gets one failed attempt at
            wizard-fu, and that the space between the last two items in my summary
            (Bilbo meeting Smaug and the dragon flying off) is largely filled with what
            seemed like two or three hours' worth of the most utterly non-textual,
            utterly tiresome, implausibly restricted (because PJ can't kill off any of
            the good guys at this point, much as they deserve it), and most egregiously
            POINTLESS chase scene in five tiresome movies to date, interspersed with
            tiny flash cuts into an equally ridiculous surprise rescue scene involving
            three separate sets of characters none of whom have any business whatever
            being where they are.

            I am relieved to see that I felt far less bludgeoned over the head than at
            the previous movie. This is possibly because my eyes were rolling so far
            back in my head that I felt catatonic. But I couldn't have been, because I
            kept checking my watch in hopes that maybe the bloody thing would soon be
            OVER.

            Look, I really don't mind PJ making up a story. It's your run-of-the-mill
            fantasy adventure story, and the She-Elf (as the orcs call her;

          • not_thou
            Yep, that about sums it up. And every it seemed like the movie returned from fanfiction to the book s plot, it would promptly get the original point completely
            Message 5 of 7 , Dec 13, 2013
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              Yep, that about sums it up. And every it seemed like the movie returned from fanfiction to the book's plot, it would promptly get the original point completely backwards: as in the tree-climbing scene, for instance. If Jackson dislikes THE HOBBIT so much as his treatment here suggests, why film it?


              Also, unlike Jackson's first HOBBIT film, which managed to fit in two of Tolkien's songs, there were none in this installment (apart from the recitation of a few lines from "The King beneath the Mountains").


              -Merlin

            • not_thou
              Sorry, that was supposed to read every time it seemed like... .
              Message 6 of 7 , Dec 13, 2013
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                Sorry, that was supposed to read "every time it seemed like...".

              • Mike Foster
                Jo and I aren t hurrying to see this. Look on the sunny side and see this as a good opportunity to re-read the relevant chapters of John Rateliff s THE
                Message 7 of 7 , Dec 14, 2013
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                  Jo and I aren't hurrying to see this.  Look on the sunny side and see this as a good opportunity to re-read the relevant chapters of John Rateliff's THE HISTORY OF THE HOBBIT (as Far Westfarthing smial is doing for this month's meeting Dec. 20) and Doug Anderson's THE ANNOTATED HOBBIT.
                   
                  Sent: Saturday, December 14, 2013 1:15 AM
                  Subject: [mythsoc] RE: the big movie cow
                   
                   

                  Sorry, that was supposed to read "every time it seemed like...".

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