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2769Re: [mythsoc] Elections in Middle-Earth

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  • James P. Robinson III
    Nov 29, 2000
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      Ah, but Gandalf would never have been a Democrat. Shameful slander!

      As the clock struck 11:46 AM 11/29/2000 -0800, Donovan & Lillian Mattole
      took pen in hand and wrote:
      >I haven't kept up on reading the digests lately, so if someone already
      >posted this I apologize. I couldn't help passing it along.
      >-Donovan
      >
      > > We are broadcasting live tonight from the village of
      > > Bree with the most complete coverage of the 2000
      > > Election you'll find anywhere. With the bluster of the
      > > recent debates and the bizarre negative ad campaign set
      > > forward by the trailing candidates this Presidential
      > > race has certainly become one of the most dramatic in
      > > recent memory. And this little Ent has quite a long
      > > memory, suffice it to say.
      > >
      > > During the primaries, public opinion polls were strongly
      > > in favor of Republican nominee Saruman the White. The
      > > widespread support Saruman received from the Dunlendings
      > > proved crucial at the Eregion Caucus. However, those
      > > numbers have dropped considerably through the summer;
      > > the most recent Gallup Poll surprising many analysts.
      > > With Saruman's early lead quickly vanishing his campaign
      > > strategists have introduced the 'Many Colors' slogan in
      > > his speeches and TV spots, apparently to court the
      > > minority vote.
      > >
      > > Vice-presidential running mate Gríma Wormtongue showed
      > > little concern last Thursday at a fund-raising dinner in
      > > Edoras. "It takes no keener sight to spot a trend than
      > > to spot a crow in the field," he said. "If we lavished
      > > all our efforts at the whim of every poll, we'd be
      > > heedless to our true task: Educating the voters about
      > > who Saruman really is-a great leader who will be a grand
      > > President!"
      > >
      > > GOP organizers were dealt a blow last July when it was
      > > publicly revealed that the Saruman campaign received
      > > large donations from the Orcs of the Misty Mountains.
      > > Saruman's more vocal opponents had a field day with this
      > > disclosure, and the press has been unrelenting.
      > > Downplaying the controversy as "little more than a
      > > feckless attempt to divert from the issues," Saruman
      > > himself held a press conference on the Isengard lawn.
      > > With his usual crowd-pleasing panache he called himself
      > > a "Man of the Future," and railed against his critics
      > > with a fury. "Embrace the future by upholding the past!"
      > > he urged. "I shall bring great lore and vast wisdom to
      > > the Presidency; for the vital prosperity of Middle-earth
      > > can come only from Orthanc."
      > >
      > > However, his campaign officers have yet to return the
      > > funds in question. The donating organization, calling
      > > themselves 'Sons of Snaga,' would not return our calls
      > > or grant an interview.
      > >
      > > In his current televised ads front-running Democratic
      > > candidate Gandalf the Grey asserts that Orcs will never
      > > be granted the right to vote-and he termed their
      > > donations to the Saruman camp "shameful." He also called
      > > on the Attorney General's office to launch an
      > > investigation into further fund-raising abuses.
      > >
      > > When Gandalf secured the Democratic nomination earlier
      > > this year it was clear he intended to fully embrace the
      > > party platform. Indeed, his rising popularity in the
      > > West is mainly due to his stand on labor and
      > > environmental issues.
      > >
      > > Advocating his policy at a recent town meeting in
      > > Rivendell, Gandalf said: "Any fool can chop down a tree,
      > > and a whole army of fools can destroy a forest. But the
      > > Wise know the outcome of such rash spoiling. The adverse
      > > effects will linger across many unhappy generations,
      > > bringing profit to no one. If Saruman wants to build his
      > > machines and thus expand the enterprise of his
      > > supporters, he does so at great peril. The land he
      > > wounds in the process shall not forgive him. And neither
      > > shall we." It is interesting to note that union leaders
      > > and environmental groups alike firmly endorsed Gandalf's
      > > candidacy long before the World Trade Organization.
      > >
      > > After Gandalf announced Tom Bombadil as his running
      > > mate, there was quiet grumbling among the ranks of
      > > established Democrats. Some analysts believed Bombadil
      > > would have a difficult time connecting with
      > > voters. "It's all that blasted singing," one aide close
      > > to the campaign told us, insisting on anonymity. "What
      > > are the spin doctors going to do with all that 'Ring a
      > > ding dillo' stuff? No one can take him seriously."
      > >
      > > During the Democratic National Convention I had the
      > > opportunity to interview several devout Bombadil
      > > supporters who believe that that is exactly the point.
      > > His eccentricity and ability to make up rhymes on the
      > > spot seems to appeal to a wide constituency. Bombadil
      > > has also gained a lot of ground among Hobbits with his
      > > staunch 'hands-off' foreign policy.
      > >
      > > To gain a better understanding of the climate among
      > > today's Hobbit voters, a visit to the Shire was in
      > > order. It is an idyllic, perfectly-ordered country where
      > > the rhythm of their rural lives sets a certain mood.
      > > That mood distinctly sours, however, with the suggestion
      > > of the White Hand sitting in the White House.
      > >
      > > "We don't want none a' his fancy policies 'round here,"
      > > one Farmer Cotton told us on the eve of Saruman's
      > > nomination. "If his idea of New Economics is tearing
      > > down our Mill and sandblasting our homes for the sake a'
      > > profit, he's got another thing coming! He's naught but a
      > > ninny I tell you!"
      > >
      > > Other young Hobbits were also pessimistic about the
      > > Saruman/Gríma ticket. Their concerns about education
      > > reforms are typified in a brightly-haired maidchild that
      > > we spoke to named Ruby. "We all want to learn our
      > > letters; and we have a right," she said. "The younger we
      > > start 'em off, the better... and I don't want my tax
      > > dollars being spent on some silly Republican pork
      > > project when my little ones need new books!"
      > >
      > > Daughter of the local Mayor, Ruby has a better grasp of
      > > the political process than most. "Oh, that Sharkey is a
      > > smooth talker, he is," she said. "But Gandalf really
      > > said it best-'This isn't a popularity contest!' I hope
      > > the young people get out there in droves on November
      > > 7th. We need to make a stand."
      > >
      > > Despite increased security, several riots broke out here
      > > in Bree during the big Convention. The largest outburst
      > > occurred during the outdoor Glass Hammer concert across
      > > the street from The Pony where conventioneers were
      > > assembled. Bottles and stones were hurled by a renegade
      > > group of dwarves protesting government regulation of
      > > trade routes to the Blue Mountains. It took several
      > > hours for the A.R.C. (Archet Riot Control) to sweep
      > > through the area and restore order. No one was seriously
      > > hurt, but as always there were squint-eyed ill-favoured
      > > thugs from the South who turned over carts and burned an
      > > effigy of Gandalf in the street. This young reporter has
      > > never seen such a display of bad breeding.
      > >
      > > By far the most shocking development of this election
      > > was the Reform Party nominating the Dark Lord Sauron as
      > > their candidate. Confessed bigot, devious manipulator,
      > > and all-around nasty guy, Sauron claimed the Reform
      > > Party torch while simultaneously causing a flood of
      > > defections by high ranking officials. Despite his strong-
      > > arm tactics he was flatly denied participation in all
      > > three presidential debates. His extreme views have not
      > > improved his visibility, nor has an onslaught of
      > > negative ads aimed at discrediting the Wizards who
      > > currently dominate the political spectrum.
      > >
      > > Brown party nominee Radagast Nadromeda, while calling
      > > the whole political system corrupt, was again ousted
      > > from the debates by representatives from both major
      > > parties. He is threatening to take the matter before the
      > > White Council. While elves everywhere have endorsed
      > > Radagast, the Brown party fears many will vanish to the
      > > Blessed Isle long before November. Both Gandalf and
      > > Saruman scoff at the parties attempts to break up the
      > > two-party system, calling Radagast "for the birds."
      > >
      > > And now a program note: If you are wondering where the
      > > oligarchy of Gondor fits into all of this, be sure to
      > > join us later tonight after your local news for a
      > > special edition of Entline. Appearing in his first-ever
      > > broadcast interview, we'll introduce you to Aragorn
      > > Telcontar, the young upstart from the North who says if
      > > he has his way, the days of the Presidency will soon be
      > > obsolete.
      > >
      > > All punditry aside, the ultimate outcome of this
      > > election lies in your hands. Your ballot is the most
      > > perfect representation of vox populi. You, the voter,
      > > are the true power that shapes all nations. In so small
      > > an act can the hand of Destiny be changed.
      > >
      > > Who will you choose?
      > >
      > > Much too hasty,
      > >
      > > Quickbeam
      > >
      > > from:
      > > http://greenbooks.theonering.net/quickbeam/files/090100.html with a slight
      > > addition
      > >
      >
      >
      >
      >
      >The Mythopoeic Society website http://www.mythsoc.org

      --
      =================================================
      James P. Robinson III jprobins@...

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