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Loretta Siani Ph.D on Creating Self-Esteem

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  • medit8ionsociety
    Loretta is a member of the Meditation Society of America, and many of you are familiar her wisdom from the several articles she has shared in our newsletter,
    Message 1 of 2 , May 30, 2003
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      Loretta is a member of the Meditation Society of America, and many of
      you are familiar her wisdom from the several articles she has shared
      in our newsletter, The Inner Traveler. She occasionally sends her
      replies to questions out to those on her mailing list. Here is her
      most recent. Enjoy!

      Question:
      Progress in my life has been dogged by very low self esteem - always
      as a child put down by my mother and lately by my husband. Do I have
      to go through life like this? Help!

      Answer: My heart goes out to you. My answer is going to be very
      direct. I offer it to you in the spirit of encouragement and to give
      you a sense of hope.

      No, you do not have to go through life like this. You have everything
      it takes to make the progress you want to make. You lack nothing. You
      just don't know it yet. Here are nine practices and beliefs that you
      can begin to cultivate right now to help you improve your self-esteem
      and march boldly in the direction of your dreams.

      1. Let go of the past:
      The number one most important thing you must do in order to progress
      in life is let go of your past. Often we are led to think that we that
      we can't find love, enjoy a fulfilling career, or make progress in
      life because of the abuses and dysfunctions we suffered in the past.
      We become convinced that we are defined by what we were deprived of in
      our past. But the past is the past. It exists only in a fantasy. We
      turn the fantasy of the past into a present reality by constantly
      focusing on it. What we tend to do is unconsciously model our adult
      relationships after the relationships we suffered through as children.
      Then we repress the bad behavior that we are guilty of and project it
      out onto our partners. Thus we perpetrate the past by interpreting the
      present in past terms.

      All of us come from "dysfunctional" families. Certainly some of us
      experience more psychological adversity in life than others. Yet,
      there are countless examples of people who come from extremely abusive
      parents and almost unbelievable backgrounds of privation and suffering
      and rise above their circumstances to achieve success in life. Often
      siblings who suffer the same abuses in early life have noticeable
      differences in self-esteem and their ability to cope with life. Fierce
      determination not to be defeated by life's challenges is the
      difference that makes all the difference. No one can erase the
      influences of the past but everyone can decide whether those
      influences will continue to rule them in the present. To do otherwise
      is to say that you are powerless over your own life.

      2. Forgive
      Forgiveness is the primary way for letting go of the influences of the
      past. It's easier to let go of the past when we think of life as a
      classroom that presents us with lessons to learn. Our number one
      lesson is always to learn love and forgiveness. Until we learn to love
      and forgive those who mistreated us in the past we are doomed to
      attract the same lesson into our lives in the present. The fact of the
      matter is our present relationships are healed as we let go of
      resentment over our past relationships. It doesn't mean that we
      condone mistreatment. It means that we rise above it. When you forgive
      your mother you will discover that you will stop projecting her
      behavior onto your husband. Ironically, when you forgive your mother
      you will also be forgiving yourself because the grievances we hold
      against our parents are unconsciously held against ourselves. We are
      all more likely to gain self-esteem when treated with love and
      compassion. Surprisingly we also gain self-esteem when we treat others
      with love and compassion. Your relationship with your husband can heal
      when you stop finding fault with him and see him thorough the eyes of
      love and forgiveness. Everyone is fighting a difficult battle, him
      included. You don't have to forgive him until you're ready. But as you
      release your grievances you will make more room in your heart for
      love. The moment you let go of past grievances is the moment you
      become free to experience a miraculous new present.

      3. Become Conscious and Assume Responsibility
      One of our main responsibilities in life is to expand our
      consciousness as we mature. The wider vision that arises from expanded
      consciousness increases our level of responsibility for the life we
      are creating and the lessons it presents to us. Our goal is to rise
      from dependence to independence and ultimately to freedom. If we want
      to get on a higher plane in life we can't keep blaming the amorphous
      they for who we are. Our lives are either theirs or ours. It's up to
      us to decide. Most of us believe that we are responsible for our
      behavior but not for our thinking. As A Course In Miracles teaches we
      are first and foremost responsible for what we think, because it is
      solely at the level of our thinking that we can exercise choice. As we
      become more responsible for our thinking and the choices we make we
      become masters of our own fate.

      We are in this world to do just that. We are not in this world to
      judge our parents or our spouse or to make sure that they learn their
      lessons. We are here to become conscious of our lessons, assume
      responsibility and perfect ourselves. It is our responsibility to give
      our all and learn from the classroom of life. When we fail to do this
      we betray our Selves and injure our self-esteem.

      Enlightenment requires that we not betray our Selves. We further this
      cause by paying attention to the life we are creating. Psychological
      pain is always a sign that we are not paying attention at some level.
      Just as ulcers tell us that we're not paying attention to the stress
      we create in our lives, so poor self-esteem tells us we are not paying
      attention to how we are creating it. Paying attention does not mean
      you identify with your pain. Just as you are not your ulcer or your
      broken leg or your headache, you are not your psychological pain
      either. You are the person above your pain who can pay attention to
      taking the steps to promote healing and prevent it from occurring. You
      are someone and something much grander than your lack of self-esteem.
      Your true Self is powerful beyond measure. To paraphrase Marianne
      Williamson our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate but that we
      are indeed powerful beyond measure. To think anything less is not
      humility. It's arrogance, because it gives more weight to your opinion
      than to that of your creator in whose image you were made.

      4. Take Action
      In order to pay attention and live consciously and responsibly we must
      take action. When we put off making amends with our parents or fail to
      admit our part in being put down by our spouse we are failing to live
      consciously and responsibly.

      You can take action by putting your attention on what you want instead
      of what you don't want. The law of consciousness says that whatever we
      focus on in life expands. Put your focus on your singular desire to
      improve your regard for yourself. A higher part of you knows that you
      are not a victim. You can never be "put down" without your consent.
      You are a powerful, vibrant, spiritual being capable of changing your
      mind and your life. Demonstrate your new regard for who you really are
      by taking care of yourself. Eat well. Get proper rest. Exercise. These
      things will improve your reputation with your Self. Learn to meditate.
      Meditation increases your ability to live consciously. It is the
      gateway to connecting with the miraculous power of your spiritual Self.

      5. Ask for Help
      It is our task in life to become free of the limitations we set upon
      ourselves. Often this requires that we ask for help from a
      professional who can assist us in getting a new perspective on our
      problem and who can hold us accountable for our thinking. Taking
      action in this way demonstrates our fierce determination to change the
      direction of our lives.

      When we rely strictly on our own strength we have every reason to be
      apprehensive, anxious and fearful. Let us admit to ourselves that the
      fear-based thinking of our ego creates all of our problems. To rise
      above the battlefield of life we must ask for help from a higher
      source. Do not forget that you are a spiritual being capable of taping
      into a higher power. Ask for help through the power of prayer. As A
      Course In Miracles teaches prayer is the medium of miracles.

      Typically, we have to hit rock bottom before we turn to prayer. It
      isn't until we fall to pieces, that we fall to our knees. But the
      moment we do is the moment our lives begin to turn around. Until then
      it's as though we've been waiting on God. The truth is, He's been
      waiting on us. It isn't that He's masochistic. It's just that love
      never forces itself. Love waits to be welcomed. When we finally do
      invite God's help it's because life has convinced us that of ourselves
      we can do nothing. Our understanding of our problem is too myopic and
      our interest too self-serving. God, on the other hand, understands
      every facet of our problem and can resolve it for the good of all
      concerned.

      6. Gain a Sense of Humor
      Don't take yourself so seriously. Cultivate a sense of humor about
      your shortcomings (as well as your husband's and your mother's). All
      of our wisdom comes from our foibles and the mistakes we make in life
      anyway. Count them as blessings. Learn from them. Often our lack of
      self-esteem is a smoke screen for fear of failure or fear of success.
      Thus we live more to avoid the pain of life than benefit from its
      lessons. We seek to escape real intimacy and on some level seek to be
      taken care of by others. Instead of being invigorated by the
      challenges of life we shrink from the unknown and the unfamiliar and
      look for ways to take ourselves off the hook All it takes to change
      this is a little willingness to do so and a good sense of humor.

      7. Take Your Focus Off Yourself
      The grand mistake fostered by lack of self-esteem is self-absorption.
      Self-absorption leads to a sense of isolation, and loss. Take your
      focus off yourself. Real freedom in life isn't experienced until we
      get over ourselves and put our focus on something bigger. When we do
      this we realize that our problems do not stem from what we are not
      getting from life but from what we are not giving to it. The less
      self-absorbed we are and the more aligned we are with the principles
      of conscious living, forgiveness and giving instead of getting, the
      more empowered we become.

      8. Live With Purpose
      If you want to make progress in life you must live it with a sense of
      purpose. To do otherwise is to live it without meaning. Look at your
      relationships as gifts that have been given to you to help you heal
      your psychic wounds. See every relationship as a laboratory for
      becoming conscious, taking responsibility and learning your lessons of
      love and forgiveness. Ask yourself what do I want to achieve through
      my relationship? What am I doing to contribute to its success?
      Cultivate the capacity of being ruthlessly honest with yourself about
      your contribution.

      Nothing happens by accident in life. Know that you are on a grand,
      heroic mission to discover yourself and become a better person in the
      process. Make this the purpose of your relationship. Discuss this
      purpose with your husband. Declare your desire and intention to have a
      common goal, open communication, and an equal investment in its purpose.

      9. Visualize The Life You Want To Lead
      Visualization is our god-given ability to attract what we desire into
      our lives. As Aristotle said, the soul never thinks without a picture.
      Try this exercise.
      Close your eyes and create a picture of the person you want to become.
      See in your mind's eye what you will be doing….who you will be
      with….what your body will look like…how you will sound…how you will
      stand…how you will breathe.

      Now recognize that the only thing that prevents you from stepping into
      this picture is you. Ask for a miracle to come into your life and heal
      your perception of yourself and your relationships. Surrender to God
      every person, every dream, every heartache, every joy and sorrow
      connected with your lack of self-esteem. Tell Him that you want to
      trade grievances for miracles. Ask that He help you to remember that
      your real purpose in your relationship, and in life, is to love and
      forgive. Affirm that you have the power through Him to do this.

      Now take in a deep breath, open your eyes and live your life as if
      these changes have already occurred, because they have. Practice this
      exercise regularly, especially at night before you fall asleep.

      No, you do not have to go through life the way you are. You have the
      capacity to change your mind and change your life. You can have all
      the self-esteem and all the freedom you are willing to create for
      yourself. Right now, today, you can begin to march boldly in the
      direction of your dreams.
      .
      .

      http://www.lorettasiani.com



      Loretta M. Siani, Ph.D
      Clinical Hypnotherapy
      3115 East Vista St
      Long Beach, CA 90803

      Phone: (562) 434-7429
      Fax: (562) 434-7317
      Web site: http://www.lorettasiani.com
      E-mail: lsiani@...
    • devianandi
      she has nice teeth,,, ... of ... everything ... You ... esteem ... that ... in ... children. ... it ... the ... abusive ... suffering ... Fierce ... otherwise
      Message 2 of 2 , May 30, 2003
      • 0 Attachment
        she has nice teeth,,,

        --- In meditationsocietyofamerica@yahoogroups.com, medit8ionsociety
        <no_reply@y...> wrote:
        > Loretta is a member of the Meditation Society of America, and many
        of
        > you are familiar her wisdom from the several articles she has shared
        > in our newsletter, The Inner Traveler. She occasionally sends her
        > replies to questions out to those on her mailing list. Here is her
        > most recent. Enjoy!
        >
        > Question:
        > Progress in my life has been dogged by very low self esteem - always
        > as a child put down by my mother and lately by my husband. Do I have
        > to go through life like this? Help!
        >
        > Answer: My heart goes out to you. My answer is going to be very
        > direct. I offer it to you in the spirit of encouragement and to give
        > you a sense of hope.
        >
        > No, you do not have to go through life like this. You have
        everything
        > it takes to make the progress you want to make. You lack nothing.
        You
        > just don't know it yet. Here are nine practices and beliefs that you
        > can begin to cultivate right now to help you improve your self-
        esteem
        > and march boldly in the direction of your dreams.
        >
        > 1. Let go of the past:
        > The number one most important thing you must do in order to progress
        > in life is let go of your past. Often we are led to think that we
        that
        > we can't find love, enjoy a fulfilling career, or make progress in
        > life because of the abuses and dysfunctions we suffered in the past.
        > We become convinced that we are defined by what we were deprived of
        in
        > our past. But the past is the past. It exists only in a fantasy. We
        > turn the fantasy of the past into a present reality by constantly
        > focusing on it. What we tend to do is unconsciously model our adult
        > relationships after the relationships we suffered through as
        children.
        > Then we repress the bad behavior that we are guilty of and project
        it
        > out onto our partners. Thus we perpetrate the past by interpreting
        the
        > present in past terms.
        >
        > All of us come from "dysfunctional" families. Certainly some of us
        > experience more psychological adversity in life than others. Yet,
        > there are countless examples of people who come from extremely
        abusive
        > parents and almost unbelievable backgrounds of privation and
        suffering
        > and rise above their circumstances to achieve success in life. Often
        > siblings who suffer the same abuses in early life have noticeable
        > differences in self-esteem and their ability to cope with life.
        Fierce
        > determination not to be defeated by life's challenges is the
        > difference that makes all the difference. No one can erase the
        > influences of the past but everyone can decide whether those
        > influences will continue to rule them in the present. To do
        otherwise
        > is to say that you are powerless over your own life.
        >
        > 2. Forgive
        > Forgiveness is the primary way for letting go of the influences of
        the
        > past. It's easier to let go of the past when we think of life as a
        > classroom that presents us with lessons to learn. Our number one
        > lesson is always to learn love and forgiveness. Until we learn to
        love
        > and forgive those who mistreated us in the past we are doomed to
        > attract the same lesson into our lives in the present. The fact of
        the
        > matter is our present relationships are healed as we let go of
        > resentment over our past relationships. It doesn't mean that we
        > condone mistreatment. It means that we rise above it. When you
        forgive
        > your mother you will discover that you will stop projecting her
        > behavior onto your husband. Ironically, when you forgive your mother
        > you will also be forgiving yourself because the grievances we hold
        > against our parents are unconsciously held against ourselves. We are
        > all more likely to gain self-esteem when treated with love and
        > compassion. Surprisingly we also gain self-esteem when we treat
        others
        > with love and compassion. Your relationship with your husband can
        heal
        > when you stop finding fault with him and see him thorough the eyes
        of
        > love and forgiveness. Everyone is fighting a difficult battle, him
        > included. You don't have to forgive him until you're ready. But as
        you
        > release your grievances you will make more room in your heart for
        > love. The moment you let go of past grievances is the moment you
        > become free to experience a miraculous new present.
        >
        > 3. Become Conscious and Assume Responsibility
        > One of our main responsibilities in life is to expand our
        > consciousness as we mature. The wider vision that arises from
        expanded
        > consciousness increases our level of responsibility for the life we
        > are creating and the lessons it presents to us. Our goal is to rise
        > from dependence to independence and ultimately to freedom. If we
        want
        > to get on a higher plane in life we can't keep blaming the amorphous
        > they for who we are. Our lives are either theirs or ours. It's up to
        > us to decide. Most of us believe that we are responsible for our
        > behavior but not for our thinking. As A Course In Miracles teaches
        we
        > are first and foremost responsible for what we think, because it is
        > solely at the level of our thinking that we can exercise choice. As
        we
        > become more responsible for our thinking and the choices we make we
        > become masters of our own fate.
        >
        > We are in this world to do just that. We are not in this world to
        > judge our parents or our spouse or to make sure that they learn
        their
        > lessons. We are here to become conscious of our lessons, assume
        > responsibility and perfect ourselves. It is our responsibility to
        give
        > our all and learn from the classroom of life. When we fail to do
        this
        > we betray our Selves and injure our self-esteem.
        >
        > Enlightenment requires that we not betray our Selves. We further
        this
        > cause by paying attention to the life we are creating. Psychological
        > pain is always a sign that we are not paying attention at some
        level.
        > Just as ulcers tell us that we're not paying attention to the stress
        > we create in our lives, so poor self-esteem tells us we are not
        paying
        > attention to how we are creating it. Paying attention does not mean
        > you identify with your pain. Just as you are not your ulcer or your
        > broken leg or your headache, you are not your psychological pain
        > either. You are the person above your pain who can pay attention to
        > taking the steps to promote healing and prevent it from occurring.
        You
        > are someone and something much grander than your lack of self-
        esteem.
        > Your true Self is powerful beyond measure. To paraphrase Marianne
        > Williamson our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate but that
        we
        > are indeed powerful beyond measure. To think anything less is not
        > humility. It's arrogance, because it gives more weight to your
        opinion
        > than to that of your creator in whose image you were made.
        >
        > 4. Take Action
        > In order to pay attention and live consciously and responsibly we
        must
        > take action. When we put off making amends with our parents or fail
        to
        > admit our part in being put down by our spouse we are failing to
        live
        > consciously and responsibly.
        >
        > You can take action by putting your attention on what you want
        instead
        > of what you don't want. The law of consciousness says that whatever
        we
        > focus on in life expands. Put your focus on your singular desire to
        > improve your regard for yourself. A higher part of you knows that
        you
        > are not a victim. You can never be "put down" without your consent.
        > You are a powerful, vibrant, spiritual being capable of changing
        your
        > mind and your life. Demonstrate your new regard for who you really
        are
        > by taking care of yourself. Eat well. Get proper rest. Exercise.
        These
        > things will improve your reputation with your Self. Learn to
        meditate.
        > Meditation increases your ability to live consciously. It is the
        > gateway to connecting with the miraculous power of your spiritual
        Self.
        >
        > 5. Ask for Help
        > It is our task in life to become free of the limitations we set upon
        > ourselves. Often this requires that we ask for help from a
        > professional who can assist us in getting a new perspective on our
        > problem and who can hold us accountable for our thinking. Taking
        > action in this way demonstrates our fierce determination to change
        the
        > direction of our lives.
        >
        > When we rely strictly on our own strength we have every reason to be
        > apprehensive, anxious and fearful. Let us admit to ourselves that
        the
        > fear-based thinking of our ego creates all of our problems. To rise
        > above the battlefield of life we must ask for help from a higher
        > source. Do not forget that you are a spiritual being capable of
        taping
        > into a higher power. Ask for help through the power of prayer. As A
        > Course In Miracles teaches prayer is the medium of miracles.
        >
        > Typically, we have to hit rock bottom before we turn to prayer. It
        > isn't until we fall to pieces, that we fall to our knees. But the
        > moment we do is the moment our lives begin to turn around. Until
        then
        > it's as though we've been waiting on God. The truth is, He's been
        > waiting on us. It isn't that He's masochistic. It's just that love
        > never forces itself. Love waits to be welcomed. When we finally do
        > invite God's help it's because life has convinced us that of
        ourselves
        > we can do nothing. Our understanding of our problem is too myopic
        and
        > our interest too self-serving. God, on the other hand, understands
        > every facet of our problem and can resolve it for the good of all
        > concerned.
        >
        > 6. Gain a Sense of Humor
        > Don't take yourself so seriously. Cultivate a sense of humor about
        > your shortcomings (as well as your husband's and your mother's). All
        > of our wisdom comes from our foibles and the mistakes we make in
        life
        > anyway. Count them as blessings. Learn from them. Often our lack of
        > self-esteem is a smoke screen for fear of failure or fear of
        success.
        > Thus we live more to avoid the pain of life than benefit from its
        > lessons. We seek to escape real intimacy and on some level seek to
        be
        > taken care of by others. Instead of being invigorated by the
        > challenges of life we shrink from the unknown and the unfamiliar and
        > look for ways to take ourselves off the hook All it takes to change
        > this is a little willingness to do so and a good sense of humor.
        >
        > 7. Take Your Focus Off Yourself
        > The grand mistake fostered by lack of self-esteem is self-
        absorption.
        > Self-absorption leads to a sense of isolation, and loss. Take your
        > focus off yourself. Real freedom in life isn't experienced until we
        > get over ourselves and put our focus on something bigger. When we do
        > this we realize that our problems do not stem from what we are not
        > getting from life but from what we are not giving to it. The less
        > self-absorbed we are and the more aligned we are with the principles
        > of conscious living, forgiveness and giving instead of getting, the
        > more empowered we become.
        >
        > 8. Live With Purpose
        > If you want to make progress in life you must live it with a sense
        of
        > purpose. To do otherwise is to live it without meaning. Look at your
        > relationships as gifts that have been given to you to help you heal
        > your psychic wounds. See every relationship as a laboratory for
        > becoming conscious, taking responsibility and learning your lessons
        of
        > love and forgiveness. Ask yourself what do I want to achieve through
        > my relationship? What am I doing to contribute to its success?
        > Cultivate the capacity of being ruthlessly honest with yourself
        about
        > your contribution.
        >
        > Nothing happens by accident in life. Know that you are on a grand,
        > heroic mission to discover yourself and become a better person in
        the
        > process. Make this the purpose of your relationship. Discuss this
        > purpose with your husband. Declare your desire and intention to
        have a
        > common goal, open communication, and an equal investment in its
        purpose.
        >
        > 9. Visualize The Life You Want To Lead
        > Visualization is our god-given ability to attract what we desire
        into
        > our lives. As Aristotle said, the soul never thinks without a
        picture.
        > Try this exercise.
        > Close your eyes and create a picture of the person you want to
        become.
        > See in your mind's eye what you will be doing….who you will be
        > with….what your body will look like…how you will sound…how you will
        > stand…how you will breathe.
        >
        > Now recognize that the only thing that prevents you from stepping
        into
        > this picture is you. Ask for a miracle to come into your life and
        heal
        > your perception of yourself and your relationships. Surrender to God
        > every person, every dream, every heartache, every joy and sorrow
        > connected with your lack of self-esteem. Tell Him that you want to
        > trade grievances for miracles. Ask that He help you to remember that
        > your real purpose in your relationship, and in life, is to love and
        > forgive. Affirm that you have the power through Him to do this.
        >
        > Now take in a deep breath, open your eyes and live your life as if
        > these changes have already occurred, because they have. Practice
        this
        > exercise regularly, especially at night before you fall asleep.
        >
        > No, you do not have to go through life the way you are. You have the
        > capacity to change your mind and change your life. You can have all
        > the self-esteem and all the freedom you are willing to create for
        > yourself. Right now, today, you can begin to march boldly in the
        > direction of your dreams.
        > .
        > .
        >
        > http://www.lorettasiani.com
        >
        >
        >
        > Loretta M. Siani, Ph.D
        > Clinical Hypnotherapy
        > 3115 East Vista St
        > Long Beach, CA 90803
        >
        > Phone: (562) 434-7429
        > Fax: (562) 434-7317
        > Web site: http://www.lorettasiani.com
        > E-mail: lsiani@a...
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