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Health Hazards to avoid

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  • Gene Poole
    Everything is hazardous to your health By John Breneman It s a dangerous world we live in. Every day doctors release startling new reports about stuff that can
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 14 11:49 PM
      Everything is hazardous to your health


      By John Breneman

      It's a dangerous world we live in. Every day doctors release
      startling new reports about stuff that can kill us. Fortunately,
      we are also bombarded with news about medical breakthroughs
      guaranteed to help us avoid the discomfort and inconvenience
      of premature death.

      For example, my crack team of medical specialists has just learned
      that people who consume 50 milligrams of cornpone each day are 32
      percent less likely to suffer from rickets, gangrene or curvature
      of the liver. I take an aspirin a day to prevent heart murmurs and
      a glass of red wine to ward off gallstones, cerebral hemorrhage
      and frostbite.

      But the threat of disease is omnipresent. Mumps. Lupus. Vertigo.
      The painful itch and swelling of bipolar encephalitis. Why, the
      poor Surgeon General is working overtime to warn us about the
      astonishing array of substances that may be "hazardous
      to your health."

      Just today, he issued a report in the prestigious Imaginary Journal
      of Medicine expanding the list of things that may cause cancer to
      include:

      -- Asbestos Wafers
      -- raw chinchilla meat
      -- Bubonic Margarine
      -- malignant cancer cells
      -- genetically engineered fiddleheads
      -- Marlboro brand Cancer Sticks
      -- and most tap water

      Occupational hazards are literally all around us, even in
      climate-controlled office cubicles.
      We know that people who squint and peck at computers each day run
      a much higher risk of burnt-out eyes and crippled wrists. But doctors
      say there is an ultraviolet light at the end of the carpal tunnel.
      Something about trickle-down ergonomics.

      Here my crack team of medical experts offers a handy list of tips
      to protect you from the trauma of gingivitis, clubfoot and scarlet
      fever, while adding 4.6 years to your life expectancy:

      -- Forensic political scientists warn that prolonged exposure to
      George W. Bush may cause intense cerebral discomfort.

      -- Most HMOs recommend periodic checkups to ensure early detection
      of jaundice, tennis elbow and leprosy.

      -- A new survey reveals that excessive cell phone use may cause
      exaggerated levels of self-importance among people who strut down
      the street jabbering into their handheld unit about whether to pick
      up 2% milk or regular.

      -- Contrary to earlier published reports, Vitamin B-9 is benign.

      -- Consult your physician before embarking on a fitness plan that
      includes any of the following: sumo wrestling, cock fighting, pole
      vaulting or Turbo Yoga.

      -- The Surgeon General has determined that oxygen may be hazardous
      to your health.

      -- Eating a bucket of Colonel Sanders will not cause chicken pox.
      (However, side effects may include esophageal clogging, measles
      and varicose veins.)

      -- The American Medical Association recommends limiting the amount
      of e. coli in your balanced diet.

      -- Avoiding rough neighborhoods greatly reduces your risk of Slashed
      Jugular Vein Syndrome.

      -- Doctors recommend having your "innards" checked for
      cardiovascular fleas and waxy yellow buildup at least seven times
      a month.

      -- The Centers for Disease Control is reporting today that the
      surgeon general has "declared war" on anthrax, whooping
      pneumonia and @#$%&* Tourette Syndrome.

      -- If your condition persists, try a new conditioner.

      -- Agricultural researchers at Old McDonald's Pharmacy contend
      that Grandma's homemade apple crisp will cure "anything that
      ails you."

      -- In a related discovery, physicians at the Mayo Clinic have learned
      that people who consume one or more apples per day are significantly
      more likely to keep the doctor away.


      --

      If less is more,
      nothing is everything.
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