- Jun 2, 2003--- In firstname.lastname@example.org, "Onniko"
> How many children do you have, Gene? What are some ways you haveto
> make them feel that they aren't owned by you?Hi Oniko,
since i agree with Gene, and having had the experience of being a
mother, i will step in here.
First we must understand that there are no ownerships in this life.
What there are, are responsible actions. It is most natural that a
mother acts in protection and guidance of her children. This is a
Natural Law for survival. Just accepting this fact should be enough.
The feelings of love that born form a parent to his/her child, and
vicevs. are part of the same thing. It is even, in its basic way,
one of the purest love feelings that tend to arise from humans. But
some people, in their sense of lack of love and acceptance, even
for/from themselves, pretend to feel some kind of completion among
the pertainance to each other. If we begin to understand the
difference between real love and attachment, then we will see that
mostly what we call love, really is not. Detachment is the main
thing here. But how can we ask for detachment when we need so many
things, relationships, commitments, achieved goals, importance, etc,
for us to feel complete?
When you are detached from your children, you let them make natural
exchanges of love with others: teachers, sitters, other family
members, friends. You do not feel jealousy.
When you let them decide some things by themselves, you let them
know that they are separate entities within the functioning of life.
When you explain them the things they are able to understand, they
begin to discriminate by themselves. When you let them spend some
time far from your direct control, they begin to learn to be
separated, they have to solve things by themselves. When special
situations happen, that need your direct attention, and you allow
sombody else to take care of them, they learn that you aren't their
When parents are separated or divorced, when they are with one of
them, the other shall remain appart, letting things happen between
children and each parent.
When you act as not being owned, then you are making them understand
better the role of each one.
But the best of all is much communication. Touching, caring,
listening, talking, playing, working together.
So long as the parent understands the issue of ownership, he/she
will be more able to transmit this to the child. Being it, living
it, is the best way of transmission. And just allowing things to
happen. Our children came to live their own lives, not ours, nor to
do the things we would have liked to do and could not. They are not
our continuity. They are the continuity of Life, and have their own
role to play here. Let us help them to find this role by themselves,
if we can, if not, just let it be.
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