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13448Starting Over 6

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  • Tony Osime
    Nov 30, 2004
      Hello again,

      Let me start by saying thank you for allowing me to share my meditation
      experiences. I find that writing these posts helps me to clarify what
      happens during my sessions.

      This morning's session brought some surprises. Over the weekend my sleep
      pattern changed when I slept during the day and woke up in the middle of
      the night. I could not get back to sleep. Waking up in the middle of the
      night has happened for three days now.

      This morning I woke up around 4:00 am and just lay there wondering what
      to do. I was still a little sleepy but not enough to fall asleep and too
      sleepy to do something like work on a proposal. Guess what I did. Of
      course - I meditated.

      I gave that background because my sleepiness affected my meditation in
      an unusual way. I started normally and every thing went well, then very
      suddenly I jerked upright. I was nodding off to sleep and had started to
      lean precariously to my left. That startle had a peculiar effect on my
      meditation. It triggered, very slightly, the release of endorphins. It
      was so mild that I did not give it a second thought. I went back to my
      meditation and the next thing I knew I was jerking myself upright again.
      The strange thing was that because I had half nodded off to sleep, it
      did not seem like much time had passed since the previous time I had
      nodded of. Again I got a small shot of endorphins. This happened six
      times and I started to ask myself why? It then happened a seventh time
      and in a flash I realized that somehow my mind was using the jerking
      upright to trigger a release of endorphins. When I had this realization
      I had the most incredible burst of endorphins I can remember. I was just
      wallowing in bliss. I kept thinking - if only I could do this during the
      day. I tried to recreate the jerking sensation both mentally and
      physically but it did not work. It is as if it does not work if you know
      what you are trying to do. I gave up thinking about it and just basked
      in the afterglow (which I can slightly still feel as I write this).

      I have this sneaky feeling that I need to avoid building expectations of
      new events like this in future meditations. I sense that this is not a
      good path to follow and I have already started down that road. Maybe I
      should take a break for a few days?