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Fw: Shop Tool Definitions

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  • Helen Schultz
    I thought you folks would all get a kick out of these... TOOLS (AS WE REALLY KNOW THEM) DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 1, 2005
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      I thought you folks would all get a kick out of these... <evil grin>
       
      TOOLS (AS WE REALLY KNOW THEM)


             DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
             snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that
             it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
             room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane
             part you were drying.

             WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
             somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
             Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar
             calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

             ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets
             in their holes until you die of old age.

             PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

             HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
             Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into
             a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt
             to influence its course, the more dismal your future
             becomes.

             VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
             is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
             welding heat to the palm of your hand.

             OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting
             afire various flammable objects in your shop. Also
             handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub
             you want the bearing race out of.

             WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
             British cars and motorcycles, they are now used
             mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or ½" socket
             you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

             HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile
             to the ground after you have installed your new disk
             brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
             bumper.

             EIGHT-FOOT LONG PRESSURE-TREATED 4x4: Used for
             levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack
             handle.

             TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

             PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if
             he has another hydraulic floor jack.

             SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
             sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
             for getting dog-shit off your boot.

             E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times
             harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in
             bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

             TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile
             strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

             CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar
             that inexplicably has an accurately machined
             screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

             AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

             TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
             Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
             vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
             otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
             aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light
             bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
             shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
             of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than
             light, its name is somewhat misleading.

             PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids
             of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil
             on your clothes, but can also be used, as the name
             implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

             AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced
             in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
             transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
             to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
             bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at
             the local mechanic's shop, and neatly rounds off their
             heads.

             PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
             that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
             replace a 50¢ part.

             HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

             HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
             hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
             locate the most expensive parts not far from the
             object we are trying to hit.

             MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
             contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
             door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
             vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
             magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

             EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight,
             which somehow eases those pains and indignities following
             our every deficiency in foresight.


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