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Sort Of OT: Funny Tool Definitions

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  • Caley Woulfe
    Sort of OT: Funny Tool Definitions. A friend sent me the following and I couldn t resist posting it. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
    Message 1 of 6 , Dec 20, 2008
      Sort of OT: Funny Tool Definitions.

      A friend sent me the following and I couldn't resist posting it.


      DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
      flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
      chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
      freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
      where nothing could get to it.

      WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
      under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
      and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
      to say, 'Oh sh -- '

      ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
      holes until you die of old age.

      SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

      PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
      of blood-blisters.

      BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
      touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

      HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
      principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
      motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
      dismal your future becomes.

      VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
      heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
      intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

      OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
      flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
      grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
      race.

      TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
      projectiles for testing wall integrity.

      HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
      after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
      handle firmly under the bumper.

      BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
      to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
      into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
      the outside edge.

      TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
      of everything you forgot to disconnect.

      PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
      lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
      on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
      Phillips screw heads.

      STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
      to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
      butchering your palms.

      PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
      bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

      HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

      HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
      is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
      adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

      UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
      cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
      well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
      bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
      parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
      use.

      DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
      while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
      often, the next tool that you will need.
    • leaking pen
      ... its funny cause its TRUE!
      Message 2 of 6 , Dec 20, 2008
        ::falls to teh floor laughing::

        its funny cause its TRUE!

        On Sat, Dec 20, 2008 at 7:36 PM, Caley Woulfe <caoillainn@...> wrote:
        > Sort of OT: Funny Tool Definitions.
        >
        > A friend sent me the following and I couldn't resist posting it.
        >
        > DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
        > flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
        > chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
        > freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
        > where nothing could get to it.
        >
        > WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
        > under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
        > and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
        > to say, 'Oh sh -- '
        >
        > ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
        > holes until you die of old age.
        >
        > SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
        >
        > PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
        > of blood-blisters.
        >
        > BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
        > touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
        >
        > HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
        > principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
        > motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
        > dismal your future becomes.
        >
        > VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
        > heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
        > intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
        >
        > OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
        > flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
        > grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
        > race.
        >
        > TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
        > projectiles for testing wall integrity.
        >
        > HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
        > after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
        > handle firmly under the bumper.
        >
        > BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
        > to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
        > into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
        > the outside edge.
        >
        > TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
        > of everything you forgot to disconnect.
        >
        > PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
        > lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
        > on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
        > Phillips screw heads.
        >
        > STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
        > to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
        > butchering your palms.
        >
        > PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
        > bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
        >
        > HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
        >
        > HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
        > is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
        > adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
        >
        > UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
        > cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
        > well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
        > bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
        > parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
        > use.
        >
        > DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
        > while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
        > often, the next tool that you will need.
        >
        >
      • Jose Leodefrediz
        Just what I needed, iced tea all over my screen, gee thanks. But seriously I would add removal of unwanted fingers to the table saw definition.(Just ask my
        Message 3 of 6 , Dec 20, 2008
          Just what I needed, iced tea all over my screen, gee thanks.
           
          But seriously I would add removal of unwanted fingers to the table saw definition.(Just ask my wife)
           
          LOL!!
          ----- Original Message -----
          Sent: Saturday, December 20, 2008 8:55 PM
          Subject: Re: [MedievalSawdust] Sort Of OT: Funny Tool Definitions

          ::falls to teh floor laughing::

          its funny cause its TRUE!

          On Sat, Dec 20, 2008 at 7:36 PM, Caley Woulfe <caoillainn@earthlin k.net> wrote:
          > Sort of OT: Funny Tool Definitions.
          >
          > A friend sent me the following and I couldn't resist posting it.
          >
          > DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
          > flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
          > chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
          > freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
          > where nothing could get to it.
          >
          > WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
          > under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
          > and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
          > to say, 'Oh sh -- '
          >
          > ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
          > holes until you die of old age.
          >
          > SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
          >
          > PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
          > of blood-blisters.
          >
          > BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
          > touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
          >
          > HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
          > principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
          > motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
          > dismal your future becomes.
          >
          > VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
          > heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
          > intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
          >
          > OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
          > flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
          > grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
          > race.
          >
          > TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
          > projectiles for testing wall integrity.
          >
          > HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
          > after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
          > handle firmly under the bumper.
          >
          > BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
          > to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
          > into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
          > the outside edge.
          >
          > TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
          > of everything you forgot to disconnect.
          >
          > PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
          > lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
          > on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
          > Phillips screw heads.
          >
          > STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
          > to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
          > butchering your palms.
          >
          > PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
          > bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
          >
          > HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
          >
          > HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
          > is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
          > adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
          >
          > UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
          > cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
          > well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
          > bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
          > parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
          > use.
          >
          > DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
          > while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
          > often, the next tool that you will need.
          >
          >

        • James Winkler
          Ditto with the Bandsaw. Chas. ======================================= Just what I needed, iced tea all over my screen, gee thanks. But seriously I would add
          Message 4 of 6 , Dec 20, 2008

            Ditto with the Bandsaw…  Chas.

             

            =======================================

             

            Just what I needed, iced tea all over my screen, gee thanks.

             

            But seriously I would add removal of unwanted fingers to the table saw definition.(Just ask my wife)

             

            LOL!!

             

          • Bill McNutt
            Speaking of which, how s the recovery going? Will
            Message 5 of 6 , Dec 21, 2008
              Speaking of which, how's the recovery going?
               
              Will
            • Brian D.
              LOL.... LOL.... LOL.... Thanks...... Some of those definitions are way too close to home..... Arnulf ... From: Caley Woulfe Subject:
              Message 6 of 6 , Dec 31, 2008
                LOL.... LOL.... LOL....

                Thanks...... Some of those definitions are way too close to home.....

                Arnulf


                --- On Sat, 12/20/08, Caley Woulfe <caoillainn@...> wrote:
                From: Caley Woulfe <caoillainn@...>
                Subject: [MedievalSawdust] Sort Of OT: Funny Tool Definitions
                To: medievalsawdust@yahoogroups.com
                Date: Saturday, December 20, 2008, 9:36 PM

                Sort of OT: Funny Tool Definitions.

                A friend sent me the following and I couldn't resist posting it.

                DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
                flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
                chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
                freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
                where nothing could get to it.

                WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
                under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
                and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
                to say, 'Oh sh -- '

                ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
                holes until you die of old age.

                SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

                PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
                of blood-blisters.

                BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
                touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

                HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
                principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
                motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
                dismal your future becomes.

                VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
                heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
                intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

                OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
                flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
                grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
                race.

                TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
                projectiles for testing wall integrity.

                HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
                after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
                handle firmly under the bumper.

                BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
                to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
                into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
                the outside edge.

                TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
                of everything you forgot to disconnect.

                PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
                lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
                on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
                Phillips screw heads.

                STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
                to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
                butchering your palms.

                PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
                bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

                HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

                HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
                is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
                adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

                UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
                cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
                well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
                bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
                parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
                use.

                DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
                while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
                often, the next tool that you will need.


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