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12041Re: [MedievalSawdust] Tools Explained

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  • Duncan Sinclair
    Dec 7, 2009
    • 0 Attachment
      ROFL!


      From: Helen Schultz <helen.schultz@...>
      To: MedievalSawdust <medievalsawdust@yahoogroups.com>
      Sent: Mon, December 7, 2009 10:12:12 AM
      Subject: [MedievalSawdust] Tools Explained

       

      I've seen this one before (as I am sure many of you have as well), but thought it would be worth a chuckle to folks on this list.  Not Medieval, but still wood related (sort of). <grin>
       
      ~~ Katarina Helene

       


      Tools explained for the mechanically challenged do-it-yourselfer!

      SKILL SAW:
      A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

      PLIERS:
      Used to round off bolt heads.. Sometimes used in the creation of
      blood-blisters.

      DRILL PRESS:
      A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
      out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
      across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
      carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

      WIRE WHEEL:
      Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
      with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
      from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Uh Oh!"

      BELT SANDER:
      An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
      major refinishing jobs.

      HACKSAW:
      One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It
      transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
      you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

      VISE-GRIPS:
      Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
      else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
      to the palm of your hand.

      OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
      Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
      fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
      you want to remove a bearing race..

      TABLE SAW:
      A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
      testing wall integrity.

      HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
      Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
      new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

      BAND SAW:
      A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
      aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
      after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

      TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
      A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
      disconnect.

      PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
      Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
      paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
      used, as the name
      implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

      STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
      A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
      screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

      PRY BAR:
      A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
      needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

      HOSE CUTTER:
      A tool used to make hoses too short.

      HAMMER:
      Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
      kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
      we are trying to hit.

      UTILITY KNIFE:
      Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
      to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
      vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
      checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
      clothes, but only while in use.


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