GODDESS GIFTING GODDESS Janetkiralessin@aol.com
- GODDESS GIFTING GODDESS
by Janet Kira Lessin
For me, the dance of two couples begins with the two
women. Before my husband and I engage sexually with another couple,
I talk with the woman and see if we connect emotionally. I need to
re-arouse in myself and feel in her the Divine Femininethe sweet
goddess solidarity we shared as girlsbefore sharing physical
I, and many other women, need to re-arouse the goddess
solidarity we lost when we developed sexually. When boys started
oogling, we girls diminished our unity by competing with each other.
We abandoned each other for boys. When a boy said he wanted to see
me, I unhesitatingly said, "Yes," and blew off plans I had at the
same time with my girlfriends. But I remember how close I was with
my three girlfriends before that.
I met Pam when I was 8, Tracy when I was 9 and Jill joined us
when I was 13. We threw pajama parties, camped out, talked about
boys. Four Musketeers, we united against the dark forces. We could
hardly wait till school was out to see each other. In summer we
clung together from dawn to dusk. Life was sweet.
Then, Spring of `67, Karl started hanging outside my window
calling for me to come play. A boy was here. He wanted me. But
Karl's best friend, Jerry, complicated things.
Jerry dated Jill and tried to seduce me on the sly. He kept
slipping over to my house till I finally had to physically push him
out the door. Years later, I learned Jerry had secretly been
visiting Pam and Tracy too and that he'd bragged to his pals he'd
have intercourse with each of us Four Musketeers before the end of
Summer `68. We girls contributed to the hidden tear in our feminine
fiber by deceiving each other.
We maintained our ostensible closeness. We got together
regularly and discussed our steady boyfriends (we each had one) and
the male lurkers waiting to replace our steadies. But we were
growing apart from years of lying to one another and fighting off
Jerry's attentions, as well as guilt, competition and embarrassment.
We Musketeers had lost our open and honest communication; our total
alienation was immanent.
On a personal level was both attracted and repulsed and was
experiencing a strange paradox within myself which I couldn't
resolve, I became disgusted and ashamed of myself for not speaking up
to Jill, yet was afraid of hurting her. How could I tell one of my
best girlfriends (Jill) and my boyfriend (Karl) what his best friend
(Jerry) was doing? And underneath that, how could I confess what I
Bottom line, I was turned on. Jill told me how wonderful
Jerry was as a lover and Karl and I were too afraid of pregnancy to
let go and fully experience lovemaking. Consequently, I was still
quite virginal and wanted to know what making love was like.
Christmas of 1969 Jill got pregnant. It was a shock to all
of us. I guess we never thought it would happen to any of us, we had
deluded ourselves. Since Jill was only 15 and Jerry 14, and neither
sets of parents would give permission for them to get married. This
was pre-abortion days and abortions were illegal. Jill was about to
become an unwed mother.
That was almost the final blow for the fantastic four. We
held on for one final summer then things deteriorated to another
level when Pam and Tracy followed suit, almost as though responding
to some deep primal call, and got pregnant as well!
I was too smart for that and politely bowed out of that
Some of us married, some didn't, bottom line the search for
husbands and fathers began. I got married at 16 and I wasn't even
pregnant! Looking back, I'm not certain what I was thinking. From
this perspective, 30 years down the line, my behavior was quite
bizarre. Funny how time changes perspectives. I'm certain I thought
it was a good idea back then.
At first the Four Musketeers talked once in a while. As our
lives grew more complex with children and husbands and boyfriends,
our communications dropped from seldom to once in a while to our
current situation which is not at all and where in the world are
they? I'm left wondering what happened? And yes, ouch, it does hurt.
In disconnecting with our feminine we women disempowered
ourselves, not only personally but on a global level. In the days of
tribe in community we women KNEW who we were. In knowingness we
contributed and maintained a balance with the masculine and the
partnership society reined across the world.
Somehow, and on some level quite voluntarily, we women co-
created the patriarchy with men by removing ourselves from primary
contact with other women and entering into the world of the
masculine. In monogamy and the nuclear family women became more
isolated from each other. Working in a male-dominated world we
focused women focused on our inner male in order to succeed.
So for me polyamory and bisexuality is a way to reconnect to
women--my mirrors, the divine feminine--in a path of self-discovery
and exploration examining our current roles in relation to one
another and developing new models of greater intimacy and deeper
One day in therapy I remembered my earliest sexual experience
which I had repressed and totally forgotten. I was about ten years
old and my girlfriend Pam was eleven. She was developing breasts and
I was absolutely fascinated by them. I would grab them then we'd
both giggle. On some level both of us getting turned on and
excited. The acts themselves were forbidden. Parts of me were
ashamed yet neither of us ever verbalized our thoughts. We just
experienced our desire by acting upon them while simultaneously
suppressing them, erupting in an explosion of laughter, which we
couldn't quite understand.
I woke in the middle of the night in a puddle of what I
believed was urine. I cried from embarrassment and shame and my
friend's mother rushed into the room, calmed my fears, changed the
sheets and assured me it was ok, accidents happen to everyone. The
incident puzzled me for there was no smell or color and I had never
lost control of my bladder before or since. I was so embarrassed but
somehow managed to fall back asleep and never spoke of it to anyone.
Upon reflection and from the perspective of what I know now,
I realize that I hadn't wet the bed from urine, that I had
experienced the equivalent of a feminine "wet dream" where I
ejaculated amrita from the excitement and stimulation of the activity
with my girlfriend.
I've learned that poly dating is a format where my hidden
dreams can become reality. I've hungered for the connection with the
beloved female for so long and repressed it due to my programming
which judged such things as "bad."
When Cleo and I met eyes across the room our hearts connected
and our eyes lit up. We "fell" in love instantly, just like male to
female, lovers at first sight.
I was taken aback, a bit shocked. I hadn't felt that type of
connection with a woman since "R" several years ago and I thought I'd
never feel that again. Sasha and I were involved with another
couple. My heart broke when we broke up over my jealousy and hurt.
We four didn't seem to have the tools to discuss it, let alone
resolve it (see ERE: External Relationship Energy?, Loving More
Magazine #17, Spring `99)
Cleo and I held back politely while the others ran through
formal introductions. She approached me first, with a hug and a
smile and declared "I would like to be with you."
She wanted to be with me! Despite the presence of two
incredibly delicious men, two traditionally hetero-leaning ladies
connected soul to soul and chose above all else to be with one
In the middle of my enthusiastic embrace I shifted and looked
toward Sasha for "permission", which some part of me feels is
necessary and the other part realizes that it is not required as
Sasha supports me fully in my mission of reconnecting with Goddess.
I prefer the inclusionary model where Sasha and I are there
together always in our sexual connections. He had to leave for work
and he assured me that we would maintain our linkage; our energetic
connection despite the fact he would not be physically present.
The magic was obvious for all four of us. Sasha and Tony and
I had been friends for many years. We had always wanted to get
together and yet we never could seem to find the time. Now Tony and
Cleo were lovers and the circle seemed complete.
It was agreed that the men had work to do and it was
delightful that the ladies felt such a strong connection so they
could have some private time together and then the four of us would
convene at the Lessins' home after sun down.
Cleo and I met after our showers and we were giggling, we
were so nervous. Neither of us had any extensive experience with
loving ladies. It was difficult to begin. Our monkey-brain chatter
kept us laughing and engaged, distracted from what we were feeling.
It was good, in a way, we needed to diffuse some of the excitement,
the energy was so intense. With every word we spoke, every
mannerism, the nuances of our extremely-expressive faces, our body
language, we melted our fears and opened our hearts. We poured out
our thoughts and feelings, so hidden, repressed, suppressed from a
lifetime of religious supplication.
After a while, we realized how we were distracting ourselves
with giggles and talk from our true desires of physical intimacy and
consciously decided to slow down our breath and focus on our
I was nervous, hot. "Let's take off our clothes," I asked.
She laid on her back and invited me into her arms. I joined
her, flesh upon flesh. Our eyes met. She spoke "is this what men
fall in love with?" We smiled and silently agreed. Our faces
softened into curiosity. We kissed our first kiss followed
immediately by childlike giggles in a final unconscious attempt to
sabotage ourselves. Then came recovery, composure, then passion
exploding and the giggles dissolved into squeals of delight. It felt
like a homecoming, so natural, so sweet. I longed that all my
sisters would know such tenderness and delight. What a delicacy for
the soul. My heart soared. I felt born anew reconnecting with long-
lost parts of me and finding yes, indeed this too is good.
Cleo had to leave. She promised Tony she'd meet him at the
appointed time. Sasha returned from work and we had time to
reconnect. All was perfect. At sundown Tony and Cleo arrived at our
Our eyes lit up when we saw each other. Our hug was
eternal. It seemed we couldn't stop hugging one another. Even when
we finally parted, our hands groped for one another as the four of us
sat in a circle on the floor politely chatting. We patted each
others' legs and held hands in an attempt to comfort one another in
our nervous anticipation.
The guys wanted us to connect together, alone at first, since
all of this was so new for us, and perhaps overwhelming.
We assured them that we wanted them here with us, to witness
our love and share our joy. They insisted on leaving, so we agreed
and focused on one another.
We melted into one another again, amazed at the intensity of
our hearts. Nothing more was required.
The guys returned full of smiles. They were quite pleased
and full of themselves, looking forward to an evening of loving and
I felt so full of love that I wanted to gift Cleo with my
beloved and his tantric skills. Sasha is so incredibly proficient at
freeing the female ejaculate. She had never experienced her flow and
felt inadequate as all of her girlfriends had. I felt saddened by
this revelation. I thought, "Here once again a sister feels
competitive, throwing herself into comparison with women who weren't
As I looked at my two special beauties, my love for both of
them overflowed. I wanted dear Cleo to experience the bliss that she
as a Goddess is entitled to know.
Sasha and I became one organism, one instrument of love.
With Cleo in the middle we connected and sent our energy and love out
through her chakras removing in that instant any blocks to her
complete and total fulfillment as a woman.
She flowed, and flowed, and flowed. The Goddess gave birth
Tony had remained silent, the witness, the observer. We
gathered our foreheads together in a hug and savored the energy of
the miracle we had all just witnessed. It mattered not whose body
gave or received or watched. We all felt it as if it was our own
body reveling in bliss. For that moment in time the veil was pierced
and we were truly all ONE.
It was late, nearly 2am. The guys begged to be excused. They
had early morning appointments and needed to get a few winks of sleep.
Cleo and I cuddled and held onto each other wanting time to
stop, our energies to sustain us, fighting weariness. Soon it was
past 3AM and we could do no more. We weren't going to solve all the
mysteries of the universe.
We kissed goodnight and parted to go join our men in our
Cleo left the next day. Her home lies elsewhere..
I love Cleo. I really do. I miss her. I acknowledge
within myself there is a longing. No, I hunger.
My practical self knows that her life lies elsewhere. I feel
our love at all times and value it no matter what we manifest in
terms of time and interaction. I KNOW that we will see each other
and love again. In the meanwhile, I dance with Sasha.
I wanted to include this addendum. Sasha thought it would be
best to save the addendum for the next issue of LM following the one
this article would appear in, (if you should you decide to
publish "Goddess Gifting Goddess.")
I wrote this article six months ago. Three things happened
between then and now which show how strange life can be:
Jill had an embolism and dropped over dead right in front of
her daughter (the one she conceived when we were all hanging out
together.) Now I'll never be able to confess and apologize to her. I
guess it wasn't meant to be.
Cleo and I met again this summer in the mainland and the
energy just didn't flow. In a few short months we had changed and
become different people. Once again, I guess it wasn't meant to be.
Out of the blue I received an email from "R" and we are now
back in each others lives in full force. Sasha and I are ecstatic
revealing in our bliss with our newly returned beloveds. I guess
that WAS meant to be.