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GODDESS GIFTING GODDESS Janetkiralessin@aol.com

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  • Janet Kira Lessin
    GODDESS GIFTING GODDESS by Janet Kira Lessin For me, the dance of two couples begins with the two women. Before my husband and I engage sexually with another
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 9, 2006
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      GODDESS GIFTING GODDESS
      by Janet Kira Lessin


      For me, the dance of two couples begins with the two
      women. Before my husband and I engage sexually with another couple,
      I talk with the woman and see if we connect emotionally. I need to
      re-arouse in myself and feel in her the Divine Feminine–the sweet
      goddess solidarity we shared as girls–before sharing physical
      intimacy.

      I, and many other women, need to re-arouse the goddess
      solidarity we lost when we developed sexually. When boys started
      oogling, we girls diminished our unity by competing with each other.
      We abandoned each other for boys. When a boy said he wanted to see
      me, I unhesitatingly said, "Yes," and blew off plans I had at the
      same time with my girlfriends. But I remember how close I was with
      my three girlfriends before that.

      I met Pam when I was 8, Tracy when I was 9 and Jill joined us
      when I was 13. We threw pajama parties, camped out, talked about
      boys. Four Musketeers, we united against the dark forces. We could
      hardly wait till school was out to see each other. In summer we
      clung together from dawn to dusk. Life was sweet.

      Then, Spring of `67, Karl started hanging outside my window
      calling for me to come play. A boy was here. He wanted me. But
      Karl's best friend, Jerry, complicated things.

      Jerry dated Jill and tried to seduce me on the sly. He kept
      slipping over to my house till I finally had to physically push him
      out the door. Years later, I learned Jerry had secretly been
      visiting Pam and Tracy too and that he'd bragged to his pals he'd
      have intercourse with each of us Four Musketeers before the end of
      Summer `68. We girls contributed to the hidden tear in our feminine
      fiber by deceiving each other.

      We maintained our ostensible closeness. We got together
      regularly and discussed our steady boyfriends (we each had one) and
      the male lurkers waiting to replace our steadies. But we were
      growing apart from years of lying to one another and fighting off
      Jerry's attentions, as well as guilt, competition and embarrassment.
      We Musketeers had lost our open and honest communication; our total
      alienation was immanent.

      On a personal level was both attracted and repulsed and was
      experiencing a strange paradox within myself which I couldn't
      resolve, I became disgusted and ashamed of myself for not speaking up
      to Jill, yet was afraid of hurting her. How could I tell one of my
      best girlfriends (Jill) and my boyfriend (Karl) what his best friend
      (Jerry) was doing? And underneath that, how could I confess what I
      was doing.

      Bottom line, I was turned on. Jill told me how wonderful
      Jerry was as a lover and Karl and I were too afraid of pregnancy to
      let go and fully experience lovemaking. Consequently, I was still
      quite virginal and wanted to know what making love was like.

      Christmas of 1969 Jill got pregnant. It was a shock to all
      of us. I guess we never thought it would happen to any of us, we had
      deluded ourselves. Since Jill was only 15 and Jerry 14, and neither
      sets of parents would give permission for them to get married. This
      was pre-abortion days and abortions were illegal. Jill was about to
      become an unwed mother.

      That was almost the final blow for the fantastic four. We
      held on for one final summer then things deteriorated to another
      level when Pam and Tracy followed suit, almost as though responding
      to some deep primal call, and got pregnant as well!

      I was too smart for that and politely bowed out of that
      competition.

      Some of us married, some didn't, bottom line the search for
      husbands and fathers began. I got married at 16 and I wasn't even
      pregnant! Looking back, I'm not certain what I was thinking. From
      this perspective, 30 years down the line, my behavior was quite
      bizarre. Funny how time changes perspectives. I'm certain I thought
      it was a good idea back then.

      At first the Four Musketeers talked once in a while. As our
      lives grew more complex with children and husbands and boyfriends,
      our communications dropped from seldom to once in a while to our
      current situation which is not at all and where in the world are
      they? I'm left wondering what happened? And yes, ouch, it does hurt.

      In disconnecting with our feminine we women disempowered
      ourselves, not only personally but on a global level. In the days of
      tribe in community we women KNEW who we were. In knowingness we
      contributed and maintained a balance with the masculine and the
      partnership society reined across the world.

      Somehow, and on some level quite voluntarily, we women co-
      created the patriarchy with men by removing ourselves from primary
      contact with other women and entering into the world of the
      masculine. In monogamy and the nuclear family women became more
      isolated from each other. Working in a male-dominated world we
      focused women focused on our inner male in order to succeed.

      So for me polyamory and bisexuality is a way to reconnect to
      women--my mirrors, the divine feminine--in a path of self-discovery
      and exploration examining our current roles in relation to one
      another and developing new models of greater intimacy and deeper
      connection.

      One day in therapy I remembered my earliest sexual experience
      which I had repressed and totally forgotten. I was about ten years
      old and my girlfriend Pam was eleven. She was developing breasts and
      I was absolutely fascinated by them. I would grab them then we'd
      both giggle. On some level both of us getting turned on and
      excited. The acts themselves were forbidden. Parts of me were
      ashamed yet neither of us ever verbalized our thoughts. We just
      experienced our desire by acting upon them while simultaneously
      suppressing them, erupting in an explosion of laughter, which we
      couldn't quite understand.

      I woke in the middle of the night in a puddle of what I
      believed was urine. I cried from embarrassment and shame and my
      friend's mother rushed into the room, calmed my fears, changed the
      sheets and assured me it was ok, accidents happen to everyone. The
      incident puzzled me for there was no smell or color and I had never
      lost control of my bladder before or since. I was so embarrassed but
      somehow managed to fall back asleep and never spoke of it to anyone.

      Upon reflection and from the perspective of what I know now,
      I realize that I hadn't wet the bed from urine, that I had
      experienced the equivalent of a feminine "wet dream" where I
      ejaculated amrita from the excitement and stimulation of the activity
      with my girlfriend.

      I've learned that poly dating is a format where my hidden
      dreams can become reality. I've hungered for the connection with the
      beloved female for so long and repressed it due to my programming
      which judged such things as "bad."

      When Cleo and I met eyes across the room our hearts connected
      and our eyes lit up. We "fell" in love instantly, just like male to
      female, lovers at first sight.

      I was taken aback, a bit shocked. I hadn't felt that type of
      connection with a woman since "R" several years ago and I thought I'd
      never feel that again. Sasha and I were involved with another
      couple. My heart broke when we broke up over my jealousy and hurt.
      We four didn't seem to have the tools to discuss it, let alone
      resolve it (see ERE: External Relationship Energy?, Loving More
      Magazine #17, Spring `99)

      Cleo and I held back politely while the others ran through
      formal introductions. She approached me first, with a hug and a
      smile and declared "I would like to be with you."

      She wanted to be with me! Despite the presence of two
      incredibly delicious men, two traditionally hetero-leaning ladies
      connected soul to soul and chose above all else to be with one
      another.

      In the middle of my enthusiastic embrace I shifted and looked
      toward Sasha for "permission", which some part of me feels is
      necessary and the other part realizes that it is not required as
      Sasha supports me fully in my mission of reconnecting with Goddess.

      I prefer the inclusionary model where Sasha and I are there
      together always in our sexual connections. He had to leave for work
      and he assured me that we would maintain our linkage; our energetic
      connection despite the fact he would not be physically present.

      The magic was obvious for all four of us. Sasha and Tony and
      I had been friends for many years. We had always wanted to get
      together and yet we never could seem to find the time. Now Tony and
      Cleo were lovers and the circle seemed complete.

      It was agreed that the men had work to do and it was
      delightful that the ladies felt such a strong connection so they
      could have some private time together and then the four of us would
      convene at the Lessins' home after sun down.

      Cleo and I met after our showers and we were giggling, we
      were so nervous. Neither of us had any extensive experience with
      loving ladies. It was difficult to begin. Our monkey-brain chatter
      kept us laughing and engaged, distracted from what we were feeling.
      It was good, in a way, we needed to diffuse some of the excitement,
      the energy was so intense. With every word we spoke, every
      mannerism, the nuances of our extremely-expressive faces, our body
      language, we melted our fears and opened our hearts. We poured out
      our thoughts and feelings, so hidden, repressed, suppressed from a
      lifetime of religious supplication.

      After a while, we realized how we were distracting ourselves
      with giggles and talk from our true desires of physical intimacy and
      consciously decided to slow down our breath and focus on our
      intentions.

      I was nervous, hot. "Let's take off our clothes," I asked.

      She laid on her back and invited me into her arms. I joined
      her, flesh upon flesh. Our eyes met. She spoke "is this what men
      fall in love with?" We smiled and silently agreed. Our faces
      softened into curiosity. We kissed our first kiss followed
      immediately by childlike giggles in a final unconscious attempt to
      sabotage ourselves. Then came recovery, composure, then passion
      exploding and the giggles dissolved into squeals of delight. It felt
      like a homecoming, so natural, so sweet. I longed that all my
      sisters would know such tenderness and delight. What a delicacy for
      the soul. My heart soared. I felt born anew reconnecting with long-
      lost parts of me and finding yes, indeed this too is good.

      Cleo had to leave. She promised Tony she'd meet him at the
      appointed time. Sasha returned from work and we had time to
      reconnect. All was perfect. At sundown Tony and Cleo arrived at our
      home.

      Our eyes lit up when we saw each other. Our hug was
      eternal. It seemed we couldn't stop hugging one another. Even when
      we finally parted, our hands groped for one another as the four of us
      sat in a circle on the floor politely chatting. We patted each
      others' legs and held hands in an attempt to comfort one another in
      our nervous anticipation.

      The guys wanted us to connect together, alone at first, since
      all of this was so new for us, and perhaps overwhelming.

      We assured them that we wanted them here with us, to witness
      our love and share our joy. They insisted on leaving, so we agreed
      and focused on one another.

      We melted into one another again, amazed at the intensity of
      our hearts. Nothing more was required.

      The guys returned full of smiles. They were quite pleased
      and full of themselves, looking forward to an evening of loving and
      playing.

      I felt so full of love that I wanted to gift Cleo with my
      beloved and his tantric skills. Sasha is so incredibly proficient at
      freeing the female ejaculate. She had never experienced her flow and
      felt inadequate as all of her girlfriends had. I felt saddened by
      this revelation. I thought, "Here once again a sister feels
      competitive, throwing herself into comparison with women who weren't
      even here".

      As I looked at my two special beauties, my love for both of
      them overflowed. I wanted dear Cleo to experience the bliss that she
      as a Goddess is entitled to know.
      Sasha and I became one organism, one instrument of love.
      With Cleo in the middle we connected and sent our energy and love out
      through her chakras removing in that instant any blocks to her
      complete and total fulfillment as a woman.

      She flowed, and flowed, and flowed. The Goddess gave birth
      to herself.

      Tony had remained silent, the witness, the observer. We
      gathered our foreheads together in a hug and savored the energy of
      the miracle we had all just witnessed. It mattered not whose body
      gave or received or watched. We all felt it as if it was our own
      body reveling in bliss. For that moment in time the veil was pierced
      and we were truly all ONE.

      It was late, nearly 2am. The guys begged to be excused. They
      had early morning appointments and needed to get a few winks of sleep.

      Cleo and I cuddled and held onto each other wanting time to
      stop, our energies to sustain us, fighting weariness. Soon it was
      past 3AM and we could do no more. We weren't going to solve all the
      mysteries of the universe.

      We kissed goodnight and parted to go join our men in our
      separate beds.

      Cleo left the next day. Her home lies elsewhere..

      I love Cleo. I really do. I miss her. I acknowledge
      within myself there is a longing. No, I hunger.

      My practical self knows that her life lies elsewhere. I feel
      our love at all times and value it no matter what we manifest in
      terms of time and interaction. I KNOW that we will see each other
      and love again. In the meanwhile, I dance with Sasha.

      – 30 –

      Ryam,

      I wanted to include this addendum. Sasha thought it would be
      best to save the addendum for the next issue of LM following the one
      this article would appear in, (if you should you decide to
      publish "Goddess Gifting Goddess.")


      Addendum:

      I wrote this article six months ago. Three things happened
      between then and now which show how strange life can be:

      Jill had an embolism and dropped over dead right in front of
      her daughter (the one she conceived when we were all hanging out
      together.) Now I'll never be able to confess and apologize to her. I
      guess it wasn't meant to be.

      Cleo and I met again this summer in the mainland and the
      energy just didn't flow. In a few short months we had changed and
      become different people. Once again, I guess it wasn't meant to be.

      Out of the blue I received an email from "R" and we are now
      back in each others lives in full force. Sasha and I are ecstatic
      revealing in our bliss with our newly returned beloveds. I guess
      that WAS meant to be.
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