WHAT I LEARNED LIVING A POLY-TANTRIC LIFE Janet Kira Lessin
- WHAT I LEARNED LIVING A POLY-TANTRIC LIFE Janet Kira Lessin
In 1997 I join beloved Sasha and plunged into polyamory
sexuallloving him and other men and women too. The lovers we shared
over these years have been my teachers. Each of these teachers has
gifted me with experiences that, with systematic reflection, has made
me who I am today. The way our expanded love experiences with other
couples and with singles together began, evolved, blossomed and
sometimes dissolved plus the way we processed the thoughts and
feelings poly loving prompted, propelled me to unconditional love
for the most important person in my worldme.
Before I experienced polyamory, I didn't know who I was.
Poly paramours provided mirrors. The situations and challenges I
faced loving many were what I needed to get past my fears and matrix-
driven limitations. I learned who I really am from what my lovers
projected back to me, the good, bad and ugly they exhibited, brought
out and reflected from me.
Before I experienced poly love I lived as an involuntary
puppet. I moved in a socially-induced trance through life. I reacted
to other people and to my own inner processes as our culture
conditioned and programmed me. I'd imprinted the materialist matrix
and actually thought the thoughts and feelings American society
imprinted on me were indeed my own, that the resultant
Stepford persona I'd become was who I really was.
My polyamorous lovers mirrored emotions, ideas, attitudes
that triggered my emotionsecstatic as well as pain, anguish, fear
and unconsciousness. When I reviewed, catharted and rescripted my
difficult experiences with multiple lovers I saw my unconscious
conditioning. This let me break out of the patriarchal matrix in
which I'd been embedded. Poly play and, when needed, therapeutic
compassionate reflective day-after processing brought me hits of
I only glimpse enlightenment; I don't by any means stay
I haven't become the Buddha. But now I see avenues to ascension,
paths of tantric sex and poly processing that let people like me wake
up, get conscious and get, albeit transitorily, enlightened.
Back in early the 90s, I must have sensed that the poly path
involved a quest for spiritual enlightenment because I told friends
that when we all died and dropped our beliefs in our separateness,
we'd finally experience our oneness, our divine connection with each
other. I even hypothesized that we could sample divine connectedness
even before we died if we played with polyamory. But I thought we'd
have to die and be birth again many times before we could finally
experience sacred oneness with many people. Could we, I wondered
back then, move toward this unity consciousness here on the human
level, then over time, evolve, expand, learn and grow till we were
one with each other, with the gods, the cosmos, the Universe and the
Creator. When polyamory was just a philosophy to contemplate, I
still couldn't imagine that in a single lifetime we could experience
multi-person spiritual unity. But when, in 1993, I actually stepped
onto the poly path, I learned that in a few short years I could
experience loving onesess, actual unity consciousness with several
I learned it takes a communitya plurality of people--to
raise relationships. It takes a community to give us feedback about
how we hurt and unconsciously offend others and thereby ultimately
hurt and destroy ourselves. When we create a network of intimates, a
group of lovers we can trust and know they'll accept us when we drop
our guard, quit hiding behind defensive attitudes and instead share
the vulnerabilities we hide. Then we get to know and truely love our
authentic selves, the psychic potential inner centers we can be at
best. When we feel accepted in a community of lovers, we have a
context to know ourselves more fully and begin to love our true
selves. Intimacy (into-me-see) and mutual contemplation of our
experiences in community of lovers awakens us spiritually.
Until the concept and practice of polyamory and its related
psychotechnologies became widely available in conferences,
publications and the internet, our society lacked the explicit, named
and proclaimed path, the poly alternativesopen marriages, triads,
quads, pods, intimate networks, i.e., the communities-- to create
depth and intimacy for our culture. Without the expanded loving
polyamorous options we have now, we were isolated. We could die
surrounded by friends, but unless we'd merged consciousness, really
connected on every level with others, we'd actually die feeling
alone. Publically proclaimed polyamory provided ways to end our
isolation and truly connect with each other this lifetime.
I've been blessed to have Sasha, the ultimate traveling
partner, a husband so devoted and loyal to me that I can venture into
the depths of my being and retrieve lost parts of my soul. Love-ins,
evenings when Sasha and I explored sexualloving with other couples
and singles, catalyzed the soul-retrieval process for me.
An example: one evening at a love-in at our home in Maui,
when Sasha was pleasuring one of our sweethearts, my heart
pounded. "How, I thought, "could Sash be so intimacy with anyone but
me? Isn't the road to god, the connection to Source that Sash and I
reach when we make love, only there for me when he's having sex with
But I wouldn't spoil Sash's bonding with this other lover,
the bonding that touched off my upset. I fought panic and, when I
forced myself to think, I knew my panic was illogical. Yet my heart
raced so violently I wondered if I'd have a heart attack. I managed
to keep my outer cool and I felt good again at the end of the evening
when Sash and I had a final connect and he ejaculated with me.
Next morning, everyone from the love-in shared, I expressed
the thoughts and feelings I had when Sash bonded with other lovers.
I did this post-love-in processing routine after every love-in for
years. As a result, I can now relax and enjoy the dance of love in
whatever form it takes in celebration within our pod of lovers.
Now I laugh and forgive myself and my subselves for any
irrational, uncomfortable moments I had on the poly path. I used
expression, reflection and proactive practice processing my emotions
to overcome my fears. I've expanded beyond my protective shyness.
Now I can love others as deeply as I lo ve Sasha.
I learned all relationship are unique, one-of-a-kind; no two
relationships are idnentical. I feel different with each of my
lovers. I prefer some of my lovers to others. For one of my lovers,
my attitude can be, "Once was enough," or "No thank you this time,"
for others. With others it's "Whoopie, let's go for it."
Love and light continue to guide my journey on the poly path.
I can let go and not take it personally if I don't resonate with
someone in our pod. I know lovers come to us when best for us all.
The Universe presents us divine perfection and while my defensive
inner voices may fuss and fidget, other parts of me now kick in and
understand. Then I relax and realize I'm just where I need to be,
experiencing exactly what I feel right now.
I feel deep, unique bonding with Sash; we love each other in
all our chakras as we live each day together. We share life's
struggles, grapple together with finances, resources and trials. We
stay involved, interactive with each other all day. We now easily
work through our differences because we accept one another as
individuals. We encourage expression. We listen with empathy, love
and compassion. Our love grows every day, and just when we think
we've reached love's highest level, we expand again. Sasha and I
are still peaking higher and higher on the mountain of love even as
we bring the inspiration of our loves with others home to each
other. Together we enjoy extended erotic play our poly network. All
this makes me and Sasha ever-juicier with each other.
I'm in awe, in love with life, the Universe, Sasha and
ultimately, with myself. That's huge for me, for there were times I
longed for death to escape abuse from my childhood and from partners
before Sasha. But I overcame the parts of me that sought death and
destruction. I persevered and learned how to love myself.
Some who come to love with us want joy, ecstacy and peace and
to avoid anger, fear, jealous rage. But uncomfortable feelings are
gifts polyamory gives.
When we choose polyamory, we commit to reconnect with each
other. We each harbor emotional inner voices that scream, "See me,
hear me, feel me". Even scared and angry parts of us want our
attention so we can attend to their real needs, to recognize, accept
and choreograph them into our lives. When we keep connecting with
each other, we and our relationships survive and we grow toward ever
Janet Kira Lessin www.worldpolyamory.ning.com
HAVE YOU, DEAR READER, EXPLORED POLYAMORY--DATING MORE THAN ONE
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