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Fw: [lopezfamilytree] Colonoscopies (funny)... HILARIOUS!!!!!]

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  • Buddy Lopa
    ... From: Cody Lim Subject: [lopezfamilytree] Colonoscopies (funny)... HILARIOUS!!!!!] To: lopezfamilytree@yahoogroups.com Date: Wednesday,
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 29, 2009
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      --- On Wed, 7/29/09, Cody Lim <codylim@...> wrote:

      From: Cody Lim <codylim@...>
      Subject: [lopezfamilytree] Colonoscopies (funny)... HILARIOUS!!!!!]
      To: lopezfamilytree@yahoogroups.com
      Date: Wednesday, July 29, 2009, 9:16 PM

       


      Subject: Colonoscopies (funny)... HILARIOUS!!! !!]
      To:




      > > Be sure & read comments at bottom.

      > > Dave
      > > Barry's colonoscopy
      > > journal:
      > >
      > > ============ ========= =
      > >
      > >
      > > I
      > > called my friend Andy
      > > Sable, a
      > > gastroenterologist, to make
      > > an appointment for a
      > > colonoscopy.
      > >  
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > > A few days later, in his
      > > office, Andy showed me a
      > > color diagram of the
      > > colon, a lengthy organ that
      > > appears to go all
      > > over the place, at one
      > > point passing briefly
      > > through
      > > Minneapolis .
      > >  
      > > Then Andy explained the
      > > colonoscopy procedure to me
      > > in a thorough,
      > > reassuring and patient
      > > manner.
      > >  
      > > I nodded thoughtfully,
      > > but I didn't really
      > > hear anything he said,
      > > because my brain was
      > > shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK
      > > A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR
      > >
      > > BEHIND!'
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > > I left Andy's office
      > > with some written
      > > instructions, and a
      > > prescription for a product
      > > called 'MoviPrep,'
      > > which comes in a box large
      > > enough to hold a
      > > microwave oven.
      > >  
      > > I will
      > > discuss MoviPrep in detail
      > > later; for now
      > > suffice it to say that we
      > > must never allow it to
      > > fall into the hands of
      > >
      > > America 's
      > > enemies.
      > >
      > >
      > > I spent the
      > > next several days
      > > productively sitting around
      > > being nervous.
      > >  
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > > Then, on the day before
      > > my colonoscopy, I began
      > > my
      > > preparation.
      > >  
      > > In accordance with my
      > > instructions, I didn't
      > > eat any solid food that
      > > day; all I had was chicken
      > > broth, which is
      > >
      > > basically water, only
      > > with less
      > > flavor.
      > >  
      > >
      > > Then, in the evening , I
      > > took the MoviPrep.
      > >  You mix two packets of
      > > powder together in a
      > > one-liter
      > > plastic jug,
      > > then you fill it with
      > > lukewarm water.  (For
      > > those unfamiliar with
      > > the metric system, a liter
      > > is about 32 gallons).
      > > Then you have to drink the
      > > whole jug.  This
      > > takes about an hour,
      > > because MoviPrep tastes -
      > > and here I am being kind -
      > > like a mixture of
      > > goat spit and urinal
      > > cleanser, with just a hint
      > > of lemon.
      > >
      > >
      > > The
      > > instructions for MoviPrep,
      > > clearly written by
      > > somebody with a great sense
      > > of humor, state that
      > > after you drink it, 'a
      > > loose, watery bowel
      > > movement may result'.
      > >  
      > >
      > > This is kind of like
      > > saying that after you jump
      > > off your roof, you
      > > may experience contact with
      > > the
      > > ground.
      > >
      > >
      > > MoviPrep is
      > > a nuclear laxative.  I
      > > don't want to be too
      > > graphic, here, but:
      > >  have you ever seen a
      > > space-shuttle launch?
      > >  This is pretty much
      > > the MoviPrep experience,
      > > with you as the
      > > shuttle...  There are
      > > times when you wish
      > > the commode had a seat
      > > belt.  You spend
      > > several hours pretty much
      > > confined to the
      > > bathroom, spurting
      > > violently.  You
      > > eliminate everything.
      > >  And then, when you
      > > figure you must be totally
      > > empty, you have to
      > > drink another liter of
      > > MoviPrep, at which point,
      > > as far as I can tell, your
      > > bowels travel into
      > > the future and start
      > > eliminating food that you
      > > have not even eaten
      > > yet.
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > > After an action-packed
      > > evening, I finally got to
      > > sleep.
      > >  
      > >
      > >
      > > The next
      > > morning my wife drove me to
      > > the clinic.  I
      > > was very nervous.  Not
      > > only was I worried
      > > about the procedure, but I
      > > had been experiencing
      > > occasional return bouts of
      > > MoviPrep spurtage.
      > >  I was thinking,
      > > 'What if I spurt on
      > > Andy?'
      > >  How do you apologize to
      > > a friend for something like
      > > that?  Flowers
      > > would not be
      > > enough.
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > > At the clinic I had to
      > > sign many forms
      > > acknowledging that I understood
      > > and totally agreed with
      > > whatever the heck the
      > > forms said.  Then they
      > > led me to a room
      > > full of other colonoscopy
      > > people, where I went
      > > inside a little curtained
      > > space and took off my
      > > clothes and put on one of
      > > those hospital
      > > garments designed by sadist
      > > perverts; the kind
      > > that, when you put it on,
      > > makes you feel even
      > > more naked than when you
      > > are actually
      > > naked.
      > >
      > >
      > > Then a
      > > nurse named Eddie put a
      > > little needle in a vein
      > > in my left hand.
      > >  Ordinarily I would have
      > > fainted, but Eddie was very
      > > good, and I was
      > > already lying down.
      > >  Eddie also told me
      > > that some people put vodka
      > > in their MoviPrep.
      > >  
      > > At first I was ticked
      > > off that I hadn't
      > > thought of this, but then I
      > > pondered what would happen
      > > if you got yourself
      > > too tipsy to make it to the
      > > bathroom, so you
      > > were staggering around in
      > > full Fire Hose Mode.
      > >  You would have no
      > > choice but to burn your
      > > house.
      > >
      > >
      > > When
      > > everything was ready, Eddie
      > > wheeled me into the
      > > procedure room, where Andy
      > > was waiting with a
      > > nurse and an
      > > anesthesiologist.  I did not
      > > see the 17,000-foot tube,
      > > but I knew Andy had it
      > > hidden around there
      > > somewhere.  I was
      > > seriously nervous at this
      > > point.
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > > Andy had me roll over on
      > > my left side, and the
      > > anesthesiologist began
      > > hooking something up to the
      > > needle in my
      > > hand.
      > >
      > >
      > > There was
      > > music playing in the room,
      > > and I realized that
      > > the song was 'Dancing
      > > Queen' by ABBA.  I
      > > remarked to Andy that, of
      > > all the songs that
      > > could be playing during
      > > this particular
      > > procedure, 'Dancing
      > > Queen' had to be the least
      > > appropriate.
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > > 'You
      > > want me to turn it
      > > up?' said Andy,
      > > from somewhere behind me.
      > >
      > > 'Ha
      > >
      > > ha,' I said.  And then
      > > it was time; the moment I
      > > had been dreading for
      > > more than a decade.
      > >  If you are squeamish,
      > > prepare yourself, because I
      > > am going to tell
      > > you, in explicit detail,
      > > exactly what it was
      > > like.
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > > I have no idea!
      > >  Really!  I slept
      > > through it!
      > >  One moment, ABBA was
      > > yelling, 'Dancing Queen, feel
      > > the beat of the
      > > tambourine,' and the
      > > next moment, I was back in
      > > the other room,
      > > waking up in a very mellow
      > > mood.
      > >  
      > >
      > >
      > > Andy was
      > > looking down at me and
      > > asking me how I felt.
      > >  I felt excellent.
      > >  I felt even more
      > > excellent when Andy told me
      > > that It was all
      > > over, and that my colon had
      > > passed with flying
      > > colors.  I have never
      > > been prouder of an
      > > internal
      > > organ.
      > >
      > >
      > > ABOUT THE
      > > WRITER
      > > Dave
      > > Barry is a Pulitzer
      > > Prize-winning humor
      > > columnist for the Miami
      > > Herald.
      > >
      > > On the subject of
      > >
      > > Colonoscopies. ..
      > > Colonoscopies are no
      > > joke, but these comments
      > > during the exam were
      > > quite humorous.... . A
      > > physician claimed that the
      > > following are actual
      > > comments made by his
      > > patients (predominately
      > > male) while he was
      > > performing their
      > > colonoscopies:
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > > 1. 'Take it easy, Doc.
      > >  You're boldly
      > > going where no man has gone
      > >
      > > before!'
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > > 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart
      > >
      > > yet?'
      > >
      > >
      > > 3. 'Can you hear me
      > >
      > > NOW?'
      > >
      > >
      > > 4. 'Are we there yet?
      > >  Are we there yet?
      > >  Are we there
      > >
      > > yet?'
      > >
      > >
      > > 5. 'You know, in
      > >
      > > Arkansas ,
      > > we're now legally
      > >
      > > married.'
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > > 6. 'Any sign of the
      > > trapped miners,
      > > Chief?'
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > > 7. 'You put your left
      > > hand in, you take your left
      > > hand
      > >
      > > out...'
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > > 8. 'Hey!  Now I
      > > know how a Muppet
      > >
      > > feels!'
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > > 9. 'If your hand doesn't
      > > fit, you must
      > > quit!'
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > > 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know
      > > if you find my
      > >
      > > dignity.'
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > > 11. 'You used to be an
      > > executive at Enron,
      > > didn't
      > >
      > > you?'
      > >
      > >
      > > 12.
      > > 'God, now I
      > > know why I am not
      > > gay.'
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > >      
      > >      And
      > > the best one of
      > > all.
      > >
      > >
      > > 13.
      > > 'Could you
      > > write a note for my wife
      > > saying that my head is
      > > not up
      > >
      > > there?'
      > >

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