“Our sorrows and wounds are only healed when we touch them with compassion.” ~Buddha
I have always struggled with
self-compassion. In fact, I’m not even sure I have been aware of it all
that much throughout my life.
I would not study for my university exams until the night before. I
would take it easy and not make enough money until it got to the stage
that I had to almost create a miracle to pay my next credit card bill. I
would push my partner until our relationship was at a breaking point so
I could then save it.
It was almost like I wanted to prove to myself that I was a hero
in someway. As I reflect back now, it was so strange what I was doing,
but the truth was I was not even aware I was doing it.
Over the past few years I could see my patterns more and more. It shocked me that I would be that unconscious of my motivations.
But as I dived into it, I could see that I actually had a fear that
I’d somehow be less if I took that pressure off myself. It was the
pressure that was keeping me motivated and more importantly keeping me
I wondered if I had to continue like that. What would happen if I let it go? Would I stop being as great as I could be?
Then I became aware of self-compassion
It was a foreign concept to me, and one I remember fighting against for
some time. My ego did not want to just give in that easy!
At first I felt that I would become more self centered, and that was
big no-no—after all, aren’t we all here to serve others, not ourselves?
But then I started see what my lack of self-compassion was really
doing to me. It was, in fact, the very thing that was isolating me from
the world and making me self-centered.
I was so caught up in my own struggles and issues that I had begun
to feel that I was the only one on the planet going through what I was.
I had forgotten that all my friends were feeling the same way as me;
they too were struggling in life, and I had not seen it. My issues were
not greater than everyone else’s, after all.
As I saw this more clearly I felt myself soften to compassion for
myself, and those around me. I started to “feel” compassion for the
I recall pondering one day, how I would feel in a relationship if I
treated my partner or child in the same way I had been treating myself?
Would I really be that motivated to keep going each day?
The never-ending berating and judgments
, constantly trying to fix, change, or improve myself, never being enough. How motivated can you stay under such conditions?
I would have never expected anyone to respond positively to this, but
yet I expected myself to. Something was very wrong with my perception
It was at that moment that my belief structure started to collapse
on itself, and I realized that I did not have to be that hard on myself
for motivation. I could actually be kind and it would have an even
Bit by bit, I felt self-acceptance
, and a love came over me like waves, like it had been wanting to come through for so many years, but I had blocked it.
All I had been looking for was sweeping over me in one giant gush. It
felt amazing and it felt true. I knew that I’m okay the way I am.
I suddenly felt a common bond with humanity again. Like we are all
perfect in our imperfect way, and that is actually what it’s meant to be
I realized that I do not have to get everything right everytime. I
do not have to be changed or improved; I just need to accept who I am
The pain and sorrow
I had been feeling my whole life rose up, and I could clearly see what I
had done to myself for decades. I was sorry for this, so very sorry.
I broke down and cried and cried. I had been so mean to myself. The
pain and struggles of the last few decades came pouring out of me like
the dam gates had been opened.
I felt relief for the first time. I could not do this any longer;
there was simply no need. I had done nothing wrong by just being me.
This was one of the most significant moments in my life—the acceptance of myself through self-compassion.
My tips to create more self-compassion include:
1. Be aware if you are being hard on yourself and recognize where this shows up for you.
It can be subtle. Look at all life areas, including your health, finances, and relationships
, at work and in your family.
2. Challenge your beliefs and fears.
Do you have a belief that if you
are gentle with yourself you will somehow not be motivated enough or not
all you can be? Recognize that this doesn’t have to be true. Also,
notice if you feel that being compassionate toward yourself will lead
you to feel self-indulgent or selfish.
3. Treat yourself kindly, without judgment.
Picture your best friend and how you treat them. Now apply this same
love and kindness to yourself. You should be your own best friend after
4. Be mindful of when you slip out of compassion and start to treat yourself harshly again.
and understand that you are human and this is part of the human game.
5. Feel the pain of others around you.
Listen to their stories and feel what it must be like to be them.
This will make you automatically feel compassion and be softer on
yourself as you connect with their common humanity.
We all have issues and problems that cause us pain, but suffering
through them is optional. Self-compassion provides another option.
Natalie Smith is the head writer and publisher of Into Me I See Magazine
Driven by a strong inner knowing of truth and a love of writing,
Natalie has co-founded her magazine to facilitate the collaboration of
many of the world’s leading Wayseers on Self-Love and Self-Acceptance.
“Once you have learned to love, you will have learned to live.” ~Unknown
We are powerful, vivacious, brilliant creatures. Our thoughts and
ideas create the very world around us. We constantly, and often
unconsciously, exude and radiate palpable energy that permeates through
every crack and crevasse of our lives.
Our words hold especially powerful energy and the ability to uplift
and inspire others and ourselves, or send us spiraling down the ladder
to Bummersville. Learning to recognize our inner Negative Nancy allows
us to pump up the volume on our love lingo to bring us back to a place
of clarity, peace, and happiness.
a young woman in my early twenties, I am no stranger to the pitfalls of
self-criticism. As a child of divorced parents, I grew up with the
belief that I was somehow imperfect. Inadequate. Just shy of being good enough.
My teenage years proved to be of little consolation, as I was suddenly introduced to the world of comparisons
. The desire to be as thin as, rich as, and cool as
whoever was entirely consuming. I validated this belief of not being good enough with constant self-judgment
I clouded every move I made with the veil of criticism. No goal or
achievement was ever really celebrated, just held up in comparison to
someone else’s triumphs.
Finally, after being introduced to the idea of self-love, I did an
experiment in which I tried to mentally note each time I said something
negative about myself in one day. Holy eye-opener. Before I even
finished breakfast I had already torn myself apart with self-criticism
and harsh judgment.
I would never think to speak to someone I dislike in the way that I was thought-bashing myself.
It’s no wonder I didn’t feel
enthusiastic or passionate about anything. All of that garbage mind
chatter was blocking my ability to see the reality: I am outrageously
perfect. I have purpose. My life has meaning. I am an integral part of
I still struggle from time to time to tune out my inner critic
and embrace my inner cheerleader; beliefs that we hold onto for a long
time as truths are never easy to let go of. But I have found that there
is a distinct correlation with the words I use as a part of my regular
vocabulary and the way that I feel.
Adopting a language of love is essential in keeping me aligned with my highest self.
Here are my no-no’s and big YES!’s when it comes to speaking the language de amor:
- Stop saying, “I can’t.” You can; you just haven’t done it yet or you haven’t tried.
- Stop saying, “Always.” Actually, just stop generalizing. Nothing is black and white.
- Stop saying, “They did, he did,
she did…” It’s a subtle (or sometimes not-so-subtle) form of blame.
Observe your current situation and ask, “What can I do now? How can I
make this better?”
- Stop saying, “I wish this or that.” Instead say, “I want this and these are the steps I am going to take to get me there.”
- Really stop saying “I
am not good enough. I am fat. I am ugly. I’ve made too many poor
choices. I’ve tried before and it didn’t work out.”
I like to imagine that I am made up of a team. I’ve got inspiration, truth, gratitude
enthusiasm, ambition, worry, deprecation, blame, and sadness. The
game’s all tied up, this is the crucial moment that decides whether my
team moves forward or is left behind.
Who am I gonna put in the game? Who’s gonna be on the bench? This isn’t practice…this is life
Keep worry, deprecation, blame
, and sadness off the court. They’re gonna lose the game.
Adopting a language of love is
not about positive affirmations. It’s not about trying to convince
yourself that you feel something else other than what you feel. Or that a
situation is something other than what it is.
It’s about consciously choosing thoughts and words with uplifting energy. It’s about embracing what is intrinsically true and inherent: You got this.
Whatever your situation, whatever
your roadblock or mental block or financial block, you’ll figure it
out. How do I know? Because we all contain inside of us the capacity to manifest our deepest desires and stay the course all the way to the end.
Let’s adjust our thinking and speaking to reflect that, shall we?
May love become our new modus operandi.
Hook is a retired party animal and reformed spiritual materialist. She
writes about love, acceptance, fear, non-goals, and some superficial
stuff too. She hopes to one day write full-time, on a magical hippie
sanctuary in the woods. For now, she travels the world, takes pictures,
and makes a living slingin’ food and sellin’ vintage.
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