You Made It Through The Storm (Haruki Murakami) ~ Weathering the Storm
- The first link for where this posted is no longer available but the second link and text compliment this one as we come through our own personal storms with deeper appreciation, courage, and insight. Always remembering to love ourselves and one another. Love, Shayhttp://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=270445576304435&set=a.218073471541646.72191.100000169856884&type=1&theaterSource: Jo-anne De Jager Grobler
Weathering the Stormby Big Girl Bombshell
August 28, 2011***This is a lengthy post but a break through of the healing storm I have been enduring. The break through of finally hitting publish. It may have some triggers for you, but this is part of my own journey. ***The boat has capsized, overturned by the stress of work and the tiny memories that the actions and personalities, trigger. The bingeing and disordered thinking reared its ugly, lushness monster head toward the end of February. I had a pretty good run of it. All the hoopla of the Slimdown, a food plan that was working; and the biggest reward: coming out of my self-imposed, crab-like shell.I felt important.Then the rough waters hit, like a hurricane storm. The fast paced, swirling of emotions, trying to catch my breath and find the eye of the storm. Within 2 weeks, I appeared on national TV with an early morning Skype, HUGE out of my lifelong shell; the passing of my Dr. Jekyll – Mr. Hyde relationship with my Dad, the step-father who loved me yet abused me, and a last conversation of an apology and a n “I’ve always loved you” — the two things I thought I always wanted, and lastly the milestone 50th birthday.Then in March, the downfall continued. A bad review at work, sitting on pins and needles each day and the only comfort was bags of cookies and a vending machine that continued to call my name. The harder I tried to please, the worse it got. I started to ask for help. But it wasn’t helping, or so I thought.So what did I do…I started planning a wedding. I finally set the date to fulfill my commitment to the one man I had found that loved me for who I am. I juggled all the stress at work, checked out by planning a beautiful and totally unique wedding. I wore my Ruby Red Slippers. I was headed toward my somewhere over the Rainbow.In June, the hurricane was bumped up to a Category 3, with a contract, probation, and a performance improvement plan at work that could take away everything that I felt was my stability. That was just the winds. Throw in a dash of rain in the form of the stress of the wedding. Each week, building toward the monumental life changing event, I also had to deal with evaluations of every tiny thing I was doing wrong – in someone else’s eyes. And it felt as if all eyes were on me and THAT was uncomfortable.The wedding was beautiful, unique, and beyond any expectations I had. Looking back at the pictures, I honestly was the happiest woman I had been in many years. I sat in amazement with all the smiles and obvious laughter and joy that I had not seen in I don’t know when. That was the final straw, the breaking point, the “Oh I have to do something about this” moment. During my two weeks off of work, I sought out the help I finally admitted I needed. I swallowed all my pride, all my nothing is wrong with me that a little willpower and commitment can’t fix. Yes, I sought out a specialist and admitted what I was doing to myself.I was diagnosed with an eating disorder as the result of PTSD – post traumatic stress disorder. My job and the environment with the sea of personalities that expect perfection had become my toxic triggers. With this diagnosis, the treatment and the hard work really began. I wanted to run, to quit everything – my job, my writing, the whole weight loss blogging world, and everything I knew made me feel better, or at least provided me with some sort of support or stability.But here is the real truth of the matter: I am grateful. I am grateful for all the triggers, the BS I am enduring at work, and all of that because it made me look hard and fast at the “real” problem. The solution can only come when you dig deep to “see” The weight is not the problem, my past survivor habits and traits, while they were awesome in the midst of the terror, no longer serve me.This week, I have begun the journey of looking at my “core” values and challenging those. It is like being stripped of everything and left vulnerable in the eye of the hurricane. It is calm right now with all the old stuff spinning out of control around me. But the one thing I know for sure. I can no longer let my job and all that is occurring there to drip its toxicity into my outside life. It’s just a job. Yes, it is my lively hood but if I am to continue on this path, I can no longer hide and allow the verbal and emotional beatings feed the negativity monster.Friday, I was thrown a life raft. It was yet another series of Fridays. You see, on Friday’s, at the end of my week, I sit through my improvement evaluations. It is a verbal beating each week with each of the tiny things of not meeting expectations. Sometimes, I feel they are ridiculous and I have no voice to defend myself. Everyone else’s opinions seem to matter more than MY truth. THAT cannot and will not occur anymore. My emotions took over and I “missed” an extremely important to me conversation. That was my wakeup call…my life raft.This is one of those things were the serenity prayer comes into play. To accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I have kept my diagnoses a secret and tried to keep things all compartmentalized. But no more!I will not protect that side of my life, step away from my blog, my writing, my truths, for the sake someone finding out my “secret” THAT is one core belief I choose to let go of. My writing helps me heal and this blog and this big girl attitude is who I am and it is time, once again, to step back into the fold.Thank you for hanging in there with me. I will be back on a more regular basis to share this part of the journey. I do not have to do this alone or in secret. There is no shame as it is a part of my life that I cannot change, it happened, it still exists in the core, and I am choosing to change those behaviors I no longer need.I am Jules. I am a survivor. And I am on a journey to heal from this hurricane!
'May we live in peace without weeping. May our joy outline the lives we touch without ceasing. And may our love fill the world, angel wings tenderly beating.'