Re: Soul Food My illness story
- Nachi dear friend of my soulillness and despair are created in all our lives from time to time. You seem to have attracted more than most. The whys may never be understood by you.You have the most beautiful of souls and the most generous of hearts. Your energy is loved by many of us who connect to you through your words.If I was near you in India I would give you a HUGE hugif you know that you are loved so greatly by so many people it may in times of despair allow you to think on this thought of love.Happiness is a little seed sitting inside you - it is the flowere which is also you.In times of your despair - you bring brightness to my life - just by knowing you are herewith loveGaele----- Original Message -----From: NachiketanTo: THEPENDULUMFORUM@yahoogroups.com ; firstname.lastname@example.org ; email@example.com ; firstname.lastname@example.org ; email@example.comSent: Monday, May 02, 2005 11:49 PMSubject: Soul Food My illness storyDear All,Hi,I am sharing my illness story with you. I am not proud of the many realities of my life and of my nature yet they do exist. Its hard to be vulnerable..yet I think it is an important step.I would appriciate and request guidance, and support.With Much Love,Nachi.I have Panic disorder alongwith ADD, and Bipolar disorder. I also have Hypoglycemia.I have also had an abusive and secluded childhood which alongwith my disorders have made me life miserable.I am jobless for last few years amounting to not being able to adjust to the practicalities of life.I am in constant panic, worrying over every little thing, procrastinating, fearing change, and I don't know how to get back my life.In my mind thoughts fly like zillion butterflies..and I am completely exhausted by them..I have hard time being conscious of the present moment..so I either play a game in my mind..any game just to keep my mind busy or talk to myself or live in dreamworld..or have conversations with my efriends/friends/people..in my mind..its like I need some voice going in my mind..and the silence in my mind or around me makes me panic..I feel the walls are closing on me..I worry over what if thoughts and there are many silly scary thoughts like that of ghosts or of probability of death in an event..anything can make me nervous..When I look at men..I think they might look upon me as an object..when with women..I am in constant panic..even kids make me ill at ease..I shudder everytime a telephone bell rings..when I walk a small step towards changing for the better..I feel suffocated and have to walk back..its like there is some resistance for change in my heart/head.I have ghastly nightmares at night and have hard time finding sound sleep.I have read countless self help books but haven't been able to put them to use..its like every day I have to start from the beginning..no amount of discipline or resolve can make permanent changes in my life. I am tired of trying and losing and now every time I try I cant swallow because I can think of only losing..I forget easily..and have hard time learning things..that's why I hated being in a job..since I have no practical knowledge of this world..am not good at even at business..and have no idea how I am going to earn my living.I don't want my life to be in vain..I want to prove to the people in my world that inspite of having all these mental disorder a person can make positive contribution to the world..