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  • nachi2006@gmail.com
    Sep 17, 2006
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      Dear All,
      I had a tough week/ last 10 days or so..had a headache, terrible moodswings...we had a power outage..internet was down..many things collaborated and striked me at once....if I desired  to be at A then I got  to be at E...I was hoping in my heart for something and had some plans for this week...as this Sunday the 17th I had my birthday..and though I had no special feelings/attachment for my birthday..I wanted to lead into it..without my usual set of moodswings, bad feelings..that I have around this time every year. In my birthdays I have done without cakes and greetings..and gifts..and I dont mind..or feel bad..but whats bad it to be sinking in the wet cement like thing..slowly..but surely..its hard to experience, feel..live..as if to be hunchback..(not that I judge any physical disformity..I am only speaking of the emotional weight in here)
      But sadly it was not to be..it was like someone tried to sink me in the sea of emotions..as if someone had a upper hand on me..and I could do very little..and it was very frustrating..to be so open, inviting and vulnerable to such emotions..to be susceptible to their power..
      You know its like if a particular thing triggers you to panic..or anxiety or moodswings..then you prepare yourself..you try to do your homework..and be ready..but however prepared you are..sometimes You are beaten flat down..and then this becomes a ridiculous pattern, usance..that keeps on repeated..and you take it for granted..and instead of defending..just give in..without any self defense..accepting defeat..the moment you are down..and you feel the emotions mocking you..its like you are a peppet..in their hands..
      Now the week is over..and what's lost..is a loss that I can not fill in..I thought I'd atleast attempt to gauge this..and maybe try to save myself..and others if I can..from this habitual fall down..
      Sometimes all one wishes to have is to be able to sit quietly outside in the open..to have full view of the sky..and have a gentle breeze..and to have no thoughts running in the mind..just serenity..peace..stillness..speaking..To have no questions..to want no answers from life or from anyone in the world..to be 'in the' moment..living it fully.. to some this might be as easy as snapping  fingers..but for others its like scaling a mountain..and to be on the peak..walking for thousands of moments..with tired limbs, feet, body..to be on the peak only for a while..for how long can you be on the mountain peak..there's life to be lived..and its in the plain fields..ground below..and thus one has to return back...
      Sometimes all you can hear inside you..is noise..loud hard rock music being played live..with cussing words, mindless music..and its like you just cant find the remote..and switch it off..the more you struggle the more the music gets a hold on you..its like to fight with yourself..and expect to win the battle..
      You perform you duties..go through the motions of daily life..and the world only sees the symptoms..and the signs..the noise that filters outside..through your reactions..and it misunderstands you so clearly..to judge you..label you with many tags.. But to someone who's heart is plucked out..these judgments do not help in any way..all s/he wants is for someone to offer some compassion..love..to somehow tame the beast within..make him calm...and turn him into feast of love..that's for offer for all..with love.. The journey of a bipolar person..is that of Being the Beast and Being a Feast of Love..crisscrossing through these two modes..carrying these two faces.. as you become a beast..you become the wind that you hate, fear so deeply..its like you despise it so much..that you become it..you become your fear..without knowing..are spellbound.
      What is to be a Beast..its like hating the tornado, wind so much...to become it..erasing everything that separates you from it..and there by creating a illusion that the wind had died down..where in its just shifted its centre inside of you.. its like from inside you feel like you have wild unkempt hair and sloppy clothes..and carelessness..damning the self and the world..with cat like demeanor..you set yourself to permanent bad mood..to wear off the beast..wind..but in reality it has a opposite effect..and instead it wears you down..and there you stand stark naked in the reality that you are beaten & out..
      Its like cutting..not with a blade..but with mind..cutting ones mental body..so much so that it bleeds..and it hurts..so much to be this hurtful..there is no escaping from self..how do you save yourself from a entity that has a towering height..that stays in your mind..every moment of the day and night..you cant kill it..you cant burn it..you can hide from it..you can outrun it..all you can do is to wait..wait for the moment..when the beast will get tired of you and move away..
      Mind you..these are not two separate polarities..two different worlds..they are but one..so deeply connected.. its like you see a tree reaching towards a sky..and you are impressed..you are overwhelmed..by its size..but only it digs inside the core of the earth..can the tree raise itself to the mounting heights.. If a heart is filled with much hurt, pain..bruises..to the depth of it..can it also love..shine.. Every tree is grounded beneath the land..thast why it can reach towards the sky..those who border around these boundaries..and those who cross it..may seem alien, different..from the lot that's common in the world..the so called normal people..but it is the 'gifted', 'different' people that add meaning, colour to life..by risking themselves..their identity, their life..by being who they are..by painting outside the borders of the painting..
      The funny thing is that the world is quick to push the buttons..and play along with both these characters..just in the same way as they appear..for the world reflects its inner fears, apprehensions..trying to name the unknown to make it familiar..and known..to feel safe..labeling it  for once its been named..it can been seen..and blamed for all the wrongs that there are..in that person.. Its like putting a invisible ghost in a bottle..and there by feeling safe. calling you by names, judgments and labels/tags of many kinds...but when we act from fear..we only give rise to fear..the only way to tame the beast..for the person..and for the world..is be keep the heart open..and let the love flow.
      When You are down & out..Love becomes a foreign word to you..You may drink sweet wine of love..and it will taste  like plonk. Faith seems ridiculous..to even think of..you are basically cynical and wild..at such times even silence speaks loudly..buzzing your ears with noise..let alone of whispers.
      The answer is I feel in walking in whats known..to self..in time tested elements..breathe slowly..take your time..chew slowly..just let the mind yank off... Its like trekking..hold on to the ropes tightly..and move one foot forward at a time...plan 10 paces ahead..and that's that..work it around in the same fashion..let the love shift from being impossible to possible first..and then with in sight..for the great mistake is to insist on being sufficient on self love..while there is no feeling of such kind in heart..its like insisting on setting on a journey or thousand miles..without having a fuel in the car.. Offcourse you can fake a smile..and fake that the world is a nice place..and you are even nicer..but if your feet are getting dragged into mud..there's very little that this fake act can do for you..so its better to be sure footed in a ground that's little far off from love..even if its little dry and hard..atleast its better to be in a wetland...
      I have penned a poem on it..and here is it.. I think the most important part in this journey is to take notes..for no matter how many books you may read..and how many pills you may pop up..if you don't make things clear for yourself..by creating a roadmap..by accounting for your every loss and gain..you remain just as where from you started.. I don't know if my talkative bit was insightful for anyone out there..
      I am feeling growing ache in my heart..to share..to speak out..to let my truth out..in the open..and so I did..
      I hope this has been worth reading experience for you. Thanks.
      Much Love,
      In the moments that I was living by..
      I searched my Heart..and found it empty and hard..
      as if to be made of leather..dead, cold and hard..
      I had lost all sensations..pulse of life
      It was as if to have a out of body experience..
      to be a in a alien place..a strangers body.. .
      but if there was ever one thing awake inside of me..
      it was my mind..that played its rant
      ensuing a witch-hunt..to haunt me and hunt me down..
      with accusations and judgments of many kinds..
      I did not know how to survive this onslaught
      of sadness, pain & deep wounds on my heart..
      My mind felt enthralled by cutting me into pieces..
      through on outside of body..it did not shed a single drop of blood
      from inside..the wound opened up a river of blood..gushing forth
      and this is the game of the mind..to pinch where it hurts the most..
      and to keep the wounds alive..for its in the joy of pain
      that the mind finds its existence..and life.
      The mind is the best friend anyone can have..
      and a worst enemy of the lot.
      one can not fight with ones own mind..
      wrestle with ones own self..and expect to win
      one can not win against the mind by a notion or thought..
      battle it out in the fields of right & wrong.
      for thoughts are creation of mind.
      How can one then breath life into ones heart?
      and come to life..to live by the moment now..
      leaving behind the past and letting go of future ahead..
      just to be here & now..happy & content as much as one can be now..
      What can you do then when the world becomes
      a strange place to live in and you a stranger to self
      Where's the answer to this question?
      is it in faith? is it in love?
      maybe it is in being still and breathing slowly..
      till the time the waves get tired of hitting..
      to wait till the time for the heart to heal..
      to come back alive and spring to life..
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