Wankers of the Week: The Boston Marabomb
Wankers of the Week: The Boston
20, 2013 � Sabina Becker
Crappy weekend, everyone! And a special shout-out to the people of Boston,
and everyone affected by the marathon bombing. That�s a horror no one
should have to live through, ever. You people are all in my thoughts and
prayers. These people, on the other hand, are only in my prayers insofar as
it�s �Please, Goddess, take them away!� And here they are, in no particular
1. Justin Fucking
J-Bieb, Anne Frank is not all about you. But it�s easy to see how you might
think she would have been, seeing as you have all those fake and ghost
PS: Yeah, this�ll really help with that narcissism
2. George Fucking
*Conservatism* and *facts* don�t even inhabit the same universe. But hey!
Good luck trying to convince the rest of the wankers that it�s time to
legalize the undocumented, just the same.
3. John Fucking
anyone ever deserved to have rocks and shoes thrown at him, it�s Squealer.
Of course he thinks he did nothing wrong in meeting Israelis on Palestinian
turf. Actually, it�s ALL Palestinian turf, but in his mind (and those of
the Israelis, too, no doubt) it�s all Israeli turf, and always was. So
yeah, no �shift� there!
4. Nathan Fucking
to know that the Confederacy (of Dunces) is still alive and well in
Georgia. And that the squatter in the governor�s mansion still can�t get
into the 20th century, much less the 21st. An integrated prom isn�t a
�publicity stunt�, it�s something that should have been taken for granted
long ago. But then again, this good ol� redneck probably still flies the
Stars �n� Bars from his car antenna.
5. Fucking ExxtortionMobil.<http://thinkprogress.org/climate/2013/04/14/1862721/silver-linings-playbook-exxon-says-wildlife-hit-by-arkansas-spill-were-mostly-reptiles-primarily-venomous-snakes/>
for snake oil! See, that Arkansas pipeline disaster was good for *something.
* Too bad it wasn�t at all good for the local birds.
6. Henrique Fucking Capriles Fucking
the double Fucking? Because he�s a double-Majunche. Did you ever see such a
sore loser in your life? And the nerve of him, claiming Maduro won by fraud
when, if anything, the fraud is more likely to be on his own side. It�s
awfully hard to see how a crappy little do-nothing governor, whose state is
all gone to shit, and who is known to have made putschist plans (and
carried them out throughout the election campaign) could take as much as
49% of the vote without cheating somehow. And, that being said: Don�t be
too surprised if this piece of flotsam washes up on shore in Miami before a
warrant can be issued for his arrest. PS: And this is why you�re not
president. <http://www.aporrea.org/actualidad/n227323.html> You�re an
uncouth fucking Majunche with no manners, who pisses on foreign heads of
state. You lost because you�re not wanted at Miraflores, now take a fucking
7. Alex Fucking
Boston Marathon bombing was a �government
conspiracy�!!!1111eleventyhundredeleven! Only it wasn�t. Is that egg
starting to feel a little tight on your face there, Alex? Ha, ha.
8. Pamela Fucking
without actually knowing who set it, she just �knows� the Boston bomb was a
jihadist bomb. Funny how someone who knows fuck-all, always seems to �know�
so much. One day, Pam, it�s gonna be not only some white dude, but a white
dude who thinks just like YOU. And I can�t wait to hear what you�ll say
9. Dave Fucking
Great job of researching your little theories there, Dave! Because
Holocaust-denying, sheet-wearing Klukers are just the most reliable sources
of information on homosexuality in the whole wide world, eh?
10. Erik Fucking
�round up all the Saudis and kill them� is NOT a joke. And �but I was just
joking� isn�t a very good excuse for tweeting stupid, asinine, genocidal
shit. Oh, and calling other people �sphincters� for not �getting� it? Still
doesn�t make it a joke, ASSHOLE. Just substitute �blacks� for �Saudis�,
�conservatism� for �Islam�, and see how that plays. Not so funny NOW, is
it? PS: Sign, sign,
11. Fucking Dubya.<http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2013/04/15/177311451/george-w-bush-im-comfortable-with-what-i-did>
very nice to know, more than ten years and millions of deaths after the
fact, that the Idiot Son of an Asshole still feels �comfortable� with his
own bad decisions and choices. Unfortunately, his �comfort� won�t give
people back their innocent, undeserving dead. And to be honest, I couldn�t
give two shits for his �comfort�. He�s a war
�comfortable�, in any sense, is the LAST thing he should be.
12. Glenn Fucking
alive. Still babbling bullshit. Still tick, tick, ticking away like a
time-bomb of lunacy. How I wish that cerebral hemorrhage would finally
come, this suspense is killing me.
13. Anthony Fucking
look! #10 has a soul brother. Awww, how�FUGLY.
14. Jim Fucking
students EVIL! Saudi students SCARY! Saudi student in question happens to
be not even a suspect. And his �suspicious behavior� consisted only of
doing what every other innocent person injured at the scene of the Boston
bombing did: running away from the explosions, or trying to.
15. Dan Fucking
let�s give this Alex Jones lackey some credit for just coming straight out
and ASKING if the Boston bombing was a �false flag� operation. Short
answer: No. Slightly longer answer: No, and you�re a paranoid freak-scene.
What the fuck are you doing at a press conference, anyway?
16. Felipe Fucking Calder�n. <http://mexfiles.net/2013/04/15/que-pendejo/> Yes,
that�s right, the former president of Mexico. Who knew HE was a conspiracy
freak? Tenuous connections and loose coincidences do not an adequate
explanation make, se�or.
17. Melvin Fucking
pal, but if you�re against marriage equality, you ARE a hater. Good thing
your advertising firm isn�t the only one in town. And hey! You�ve just
managed to generate a shitload of negative publicity�for YOURSELF.
18. Peter Fucking
is not a human right? Nature has to be �overcome�? Human ingenuity �ber
alles? Sounds like a psychopath to me. Way to prove The
Peter. Why are you not in a straitjacket? Why has your company not been
broken up as a monopoly yet? Oh, and Nestl� does NOT feed me. I don�t buy
any of their products, on principle, and haven�t done so since I first
heard of their involvement in the Venezuelan coup of �02. And all their
other corporate crimes, too. <http://www.corporatewatch.org.uk/?lid=240> Chew
on THAT, dude. PS: Sign, sign,
19. Pat Fucking
good, so I�m not the only one to notice the irony of an old racist calling
for a civil-rights uprising against LGBTs. I hereby call for Puke-Cannon to
20. Alan Fucking
we caught in a time warp AGAIN? Last time �left-wing radicals� were bombing
shit, it was the 1970s. And that stuff was already getting old for the left
even then. What will this crazy codger say when it turns out that the
bomber was a right-winger, and not a leftist or a Muslim as all the crazy
wackaloons of the right have already decided?
21. Esther Irene Fucking
I *never.* Racism is now a criminal defence! Only it�s not. It�s quite
possible to dislike black people and still sexually abuse a black child. In
fact, the two go together rather frequently. The southern history of
slavery should bear that out.
22. Steve Fucking
that�s right. Saudi student is just a Saudi student. An INNOCENT Saudi
student. Feeling stupid yet? For that matter, have you begun to feel stupid
about Oklahoma City yet?
23. Mark Fucking
couldn�t stay away from the ex-wife once you got engaged to the
�Appalachian Trail�, eh? If there�s such a thing as an embarrassment
addict, this dude is it. Or else he just has no idea how fucking bad he
looks on all fronts. *Jayzus.*
24. Louie Fucking
Islamists are trained to act Hispanic� � and radical idiots are trained to
act Repugnican. Oh wait, that�s *not*training? He�s just *naturally* fucking
stupid and racist? Gaw*lee,* Gomer. It�s getting so hard to tell. PS: Also,
way to explain the APARTHEID wall of shame in Palestine, Gomer. You stupid,
25. Peter Fucking
that all women know that we�re just �vaginas� to him (and I�m sure he was
dying to call us something much worse, which means essentially that), I
think we can safely start thinking of him as a dickhead. A teeny, weeny,
microscopic MOSQUITO dickhead. PS: Non-apology is non-accepted. Also, PENIS.
26. Tommy Fucking
Senator, you�re *not* the one dictating public policy. Your constituents
are. Your job is to LISTEN. And to take their will to Capitol Hill. Did you
flunk civics, and is that a requirement for being a Repug these days?
27. George Fucking Osborne. Why?
That�s why. The weaselly little face says it all. And the misplaced tears,
28. David Fucking
Holding a knife to a Muslim�s throat and demanding that she take off her
headscarf because �this is England�, is*assault.* And it makes you nothing
but a common, racist thug.
29. John Fucking Kerry. <http://www.aporrea.org/tiburon/n227137.html> Latin
America is NOT your backyard. It is a group of sovereign nations, all of
whom are your NEIGHBORS, and none of whom appreciate your interference,
your snobbishness, or your picking and choosing whom to recognize as
�legitimate� and not. Mainly because it�s so blindingly obvious to all of
them that you gringos always prefer to �recognize� as �great friends of
democracy� the worst and most fascist so-called leaders, while fomenting
coups against the best and most popular elected ones. And if you�re going
to demand a recount in Venezuela, there�s just one question that really
needs to be asked of you: *Why the fuck were you not demanding one in
Florida, 2000, when a dictator stole that election with the help of his
cousin in the media?*
30. Stephen Fucking
Trudeau�s comments on the Boston bombing were perfectly appropriate. What
is so wrong about examining root causes of terrorism? It�s what any
intelligent person ought to do. And really, what is �rationalizing or
making excuses� about that, anyway? If anything, it�s better to inquire and
learn than to simply lash back with violence in ignorance, as Harpo is
inordinately fond of doing�to people like Justin Trudeau. Whom he seems to
perceive as a threat, ha ha.
31. Bob Fucking
*You,* pathetic fucking shock jock, can go to hell. That is all.
32. Horacio Fucking
shoot yourself in the testicles if your son wanted to marry another man?
Please shoot yourself in the testicles, period. It�s not like you fascists
should be reproducing anyway.
33. Scott Fucking
the final time: AIDS is caused by a virus. Meningitis is caused by viruses
and several strains of bacteria. Homophobic idiocy, from which YOU suffer,
is a curse from God. And it usually afflicts those who have things to hide,
and who think God gives a shit who you sleep with.
34. Markwayne Fucking
think the ExxtortionMobil pipeline rupture is a GOOD sign? And that they
should be patted on the back for the frankly horrible way they handled it?
You really need to stop drinking fracking fluid, fuckhead.
35. George Fucking
kind of person are you for inviting Pam Fucking Stenzel to tell crazy-ass
lies about sex and birth control to your students, and for trying to censor
a girl who had the courage and good sense to point out that your
abstinence-only emperor has no fucking clothes. Who do you think you are,
trying to get her un-accepted from a prestigious college where she�s
already BEEN accepted, just because you can�t handle the truth? What kind
of person does such things? *A person of bad character,* that�s who.
36. Ted Fucking
anyone else struck by the irony of a man who looks and acts exactly like
Tailgunner Joe McCarthy being paranoid as hell about a fictional,
confiscatory gun registry? Oh good. Glad I�m not the only one.
37. Glenn Fucking
anyone else stuck by the irony of a professional bully and feckin� eejit,
who calls himself an �Instapundit�, accusing a woman who nearly died of a
gunshot to the head�of BULLYING? Oh good. Glad I�m not the only one.
38. Jim Fucking
yourself a *Liberal?* You�re a fucking corporate tool, a SupposiTory in
red. The so-called �Venezuelan Diaspora in Canada� is nothing but a bunch
of crybaby escualidos who don�t want to pay taxes on their immense wealth
back home. And who can�t handle a real democratic government�which Canada,
incidentally, *doesn�t have.* And speaking of which, why don�t you work on *
that,* back here, instead of meddling in Venezuela? Aren�t you in the Loyal
Opposition? Oh yeah, I forgot: Corporate tool, SupposiTory in red. *Never
39. Col Fucking
you make a mistake and publish the wrong �suspect� photos in your
newspaper, you apologize and issue a retraction. You do NOT, under any
circumstances, dig your heels in deeper and make lame excuses. Unless, of
course, you *want* to be considered a drunken crypto-racist pig-fucker. Ha,
40. Pat Fucking
blames the 1980s game of Dungeons and Dragons for �destroying people�s
lives�. Meanwhile, not a peep about all the damage done by bible-thumping,
as for instance
41. Lindsey Fucking
you don�t get to decide who gets read their Miranda rights and who doesn�t.
The law does, and it is clear that EVERYONE has the right to remain silent.
Which I advise YOU to do, too�as anything you say can and will be used
against you to show what a fucking idiot you are.
42. Nate Fucking
a tip to all you good ol� boys from Arkansas, who think an AR-15 is the
answer to everything: Not in Boston, it ain�t.
43. Ann Fucking Coulter. Why?
That�s why. I can�t wait till someone drives a stake through her, so I can
make mean jokes about it. And, unlike hers, mine *won�t* be lame.
44. Samantha Fucking
Joan Collins is NOT right. Being on a constant diet depletes your brain
cells. And you�re the living proof of that, since you�re still married to
that unattractive slob who thinks he has the right to keep you thin and
45. Michael Fucking
don�t know why you�re against contraception? Funny, that�s what your pope
46. Jeff Fucking
day the Drudge Report becomes a �reliable news source� is the day we all
find ourselves through the Looking Glass. That ain�t nothin� but a shitty
right-wing gossip blog�and is there really any other kind?
47. Michael Fucking
not even sure why I�m bothering with this asshat. He�s been a one-note
wonder for years. Nevertheless, for his part in promoting the bogus theory
of the Saudi student, he�s listed.
48. Mike Fucking
*Quel surprise!* Puffy hasn�t paid back the taxpayer money he wasted on
fraudulent travel claims for his nonexistent residency in Prince Edward
Island. Typical Conservative greedhead, he wants to have his cake and eat
it too. And by the looks of him, he�s already eaten way too much.
49. Tony Fucking
*Sexual liberalism caused the Boston bombing!* Oh lordy, lordy, good
Gordie. Actually, one senses that if either of those guys had been getting
laid on a regular basis, they�d have had less motivation to try and make
their mark in a more destructive way. As would, for that matter, *Tony
50. Greg Fucking
look, another Repug who believes torture will work on Suspect #2.
Waterboard *this* motherfucker and see how it �works� on *him,* I say.
And finally, to all the fucking conspiracy-spinning twoofers out there.
Can�t you people wait till you get all the facts, instead of relying on
third-rate hearsay and the usual vague theories of a nameless, faceless
�global elite� being behind the Boston bombing? Oh wait, that would
conflict with your pwecious flibbertigibbertarian ideology. You�d rather
think that the government is out to control your feeble minds than bother
to change it for the better, and make it more responsible for regulations
that would prevent tragedies like this and the one in West, Texas. Well,
guess what: You�re in good company. The guys who laid those bombs are
apparently not so different from
at least their militantly religious families are. And it seems that they,
in their own way, are anti-government nutjobs, too. So yeah, chew on that.
And if it feels like you�re chewing your own toes, it�s because you fucking
Good night, and get fucked!
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