Konformist: Football, Ritual Homosexual Conquest
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Editor, The Konformist
I guess the football thing won't get you out of your
obvious fixation on Ricky Martin. HA!
Lee Markland <markland@...>
Football, Ritual Homosexual Conquest
Professor Alan Dundes (America's leading Folklorist) has a delightful
explanation for football: it is ritualized homosexual conquest. Please
consider the symbolic aspects of this sport.
The object of football is to "penetrate your opponent's endzone" with the
football (an oblong, flesh-covered object that must be pumped up to
appropriate firmness before "play" begins). The assault begins with the
players taking rather peculiar positions (bent over with asses held high).
It is well to note that football players' bodies are armored except for their
buttocks, which are clearly outlined by the traditional, tight, form-fitting
clothing. This fixation on rear-ends is further expressed in the names assign
ed to each position (quarterBACK, fullBACK, etc.) This has no relationship
to the front or back of the field, as both offense and defense use it.
Play begins when the Center snaps the ball: that is, he passes the phallus
from between his legs, the obvious visual symbol being the expulsion of the
phallus from his anus. The quarterback, (in the "pocket" at this time)
usually attempts to insert the ball in his team-mates. Among his favorite
targets are the "tight-end" or the "wide-receiver." A successful "drive"
presses the ball further into the opponent's territory.
Meanwhile, the opposition does its best to "reverse the drive." They will
try to get the quarterback "in the sack." Special rules forbid the
quarterback from "spiking" the ball (driving it hard into the ground) when
he's still in the "pocket." The defense will try to intercept the ball, and
drive it back into their opponents, but again, special rules prevent certain
"interferrence," (ie. Obstructing the quarter-back's attempt to insert the
phallus into his intended receiver).
Few things are more embarrasing to a player than to "fumble," (ie. failing
to keep driving the phallus, instead allowing it to drop flacidly). Some
face is saved by "recovering," but a "turn-over" is to be dreaded. Shocking
to all is an "interception," in which the phallus is blocked and immediately
driven back into the offense.
There are two ways to "score." Best is to have the phallus firmly in hand
and physically drive it into the "endzone." Failing that, some points can be
made by kicking the ball so that it passes between the opponents'
goal-posts, (two limbs, enticingly spread open throughout the ritual).
When a player "scores," he often drives the ball hard into his opponent's
endzone in a ritual display that has no bearing on the game and is even
banned in college games, but exists because of its powerful symbolic imagery.
The scoring team-members will thrust or rythmetically pump their fists into
the air, grab and pat each other's asses, and strut triumphantly through
their opponent's end zone, often grinding their hips in the recently popular
Two closing questions: Dundes suggests that the sexual nature of football is
manifest by hightened sexual appetite immediately before and after "play."
Did those of you who played football, or those who dated football players
find this to be true? Please be as explicit as possible. Women's sports
have become far more popular and aggressive as women have moved into the
workplace. Women's basketball, baseball and soccer all draw large crowds,
but football remains almost exclusively a man's game. Does the public not
wish to see women with phallus' sexually dominating one another, or do women
not identify with male homosexual imagery and so gravitate to other sports?
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