Konformist: Humor & Poetry Break, 10-02-99
- Please send as far and wide as possible.
Editor, The Konformist
If you are interested in a free subscription to The Konformist Newswire,
please visit http://www.eGroups.com/list/konformist/ and sign up. Or, e-mail
firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject: "I NEED 2 KONFORM!!!"
(Okay, you can use something else, but it's a kool catch phrase.)
Visit the Klub Konformist at Yahoo!:
Y2K is coming
By Russell D. Hoffman
September 30th, 1999
Y2K is coming
of that you can be sure,
and the tune that some are humming
is "we haven't found a cure".
Lies may come and lies may go
but the truth remains forever.
Y2K could be quite a show --
and it's more certain than the weather.
Everywhere there are signs
of turmoil, strife and trouble.
Accidents there, corruption here (and fines) --
a bursting nuclear bubble.
For those who haven't heard about
what dangers we all face.
Let me tell you with no doubt
the facts about the case.
Everything's on hair triggers
and fear is growing daily.
But there are those who say "who cares?"
(and media lizards are quite scaly).
Facts abound to say, "be warned" --
"THIS is your final warning!"
And those who once were cruelly scorned
are with new facts this morning.
In Japan, whom we did bomb
to smithereens in World War Two.
A nuke fuel process went all wrong
and irradiated workers -- a dozen or two.
Yesterday it was the same,
new tragedies were reported.
And as they figured out the blame
"It's the mindset!" we retorted!
Leslie Brown, 28, of York, PA,
came down with thyroid cancer.
She may not live to see the day
Those who killed her accept the answer.
Low Level Radiation kills
as well as does the big stuff.
Anyone who says different fills
You with useless lies and kids' stuff.
Tomorrow you will have a choice
of what you want to do.
If you wish to add your voice,
I need yours and everyone's too.
So far, so bad -- no matter what I say
this message has been drowned out.
But in 92 days -- on Y2K
Everyone will have found out.
Why have I tried, and tried, and tried
to warn the world of what's up?
Because today I cried for those who died
and can no longer say they're fed up!
I speak for Leslie Brown et al --
I speak for my dead brother.
I wish to speak for those yet unborn
and for even every other!
If anyone can prove me wrong --
the message I have brought us
Let them step forth and bang their gong
And say what God has wrought us.
Copyright (c) September 30th, 1999 by Russell D. Hoffman, the author.
All Rights Reserved. May be freely printed or republished
anywhere. Please include all authorship notes and links shown below, or at
least one or two of them! Thank you
Russell D. Hoffman,
Peace Activist, Environmentalist, High Tech Guru:
Founder and Editor of the Stop Cassini newsletter:
Learn the madness of NASA's ongoing nuclear policies! Visit the Stop
Cassini web site:
Y2K worries? We've got em! Meltdowns, EMPs, Terrorism, you-name-it:
Facing facts: Learn about The Effects of Nuclear War here:
What is a half-life? (Compares Plutonium 238 to Plutonium 239)
What is the Electromagnetic Pulse (EMP)? Is nuclear war winnable?
Hug a tree! Read why it should matter to you what happens to the great
Redwoods in California:
Why you need encryption: An interview with Phil Zimmerman:
(also available in Spanish)
** THE ANIMATED SOFTWARE COMPANY
** Russell D. Hoffman, Owner and Chief Programmer
** P.O. Box 1936
** Carlsbad CA 92018-1936
** (800) 551-2726
** (760) 720-7261
** Fax: (760) 720-7394
** Visit the world's most eclectic web site:
Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation,
We'd soon see the bug that,
Caused such a sensation.
The chips were replaced,
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy,
Wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think,
They were snug in their beds,
Others had visions,
Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac,
Had just logged on the Net,
And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server,
There arose such a clatter,
I called Mister Gates,
To see what was the matter.
But he was away,
So I flew like a flash,
Off to my bank,
To withdraw all my cash.
Then word of the shortage,
Caused such a demand,
That the money was gone,
And the streets were all jammed.
When what with my wandering eyes,
Should I see on my screen,
But Millennium Bugsy,
This must be a dream!.
The Hack of all hackers,
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be,
The Y2K bug!
His image downloaded,
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
"Let all systems fall!"
"Go Intel! Go Gateway!
Now HP! Big Blue!
And Pentium too!
All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!"
All the controls,
That make the planes fly,
And the microwaves for,
The signals they rely.
All through the system,
To me, and to you,
The predictions they made,
Would soon all come true.
And then came a twinkling,
As midnight drew near,
All over the globe,
In each hemisphere.
As I drew in my breath,
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.
He was covered with fur,
With six legs outspread,
Two beady eyes,
And a chip on his head.
With a sack full of virii,
Flung on his back,
He looked like a hacker,
Just waiting to hack.
His eyes - how they twinkled!
His dimples - how merry!
As midnight approached, Though
Things soon became scary.
His droll little mouth was,
Drawn up in a sneer,
While he sat like a kid,
Waiting out the new year.
Two little antenna,
Stuck out of his head,
(Improved his reception,
From what I've heard said.)
He had a broad face,
And a round little belly,
But with six dirty socks,
His feet were quite smelly.
He was chubby and plump,
And I laughed when I saw him,
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know,
A new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic,
Soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty glee,
'This has been fun,
I'll see you next century!'"
A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest and
presents a gift box of cigars to the manager.
"No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried them once but I didn't like
The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale,
offers to take the manager out for martinis.
"No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried them once but I didn't like
Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. "I
suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a
guest at my club."
"No, thanks," the manager says. "I tried that once but I didn't like it."
Just then, the plant manager's son walks into the room so the he introduces
himself to the sales representative.
The sales representative turns to the plant manager and says, "Let me guess,
he's an only child... you tried it once but you didn't like it!"
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come
now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing
you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange ..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I
heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of
"I see," said the doctor.
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh," acknowledged the doctor.
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were
quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm
scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's
nothing to be scared about . . ."
"You're simply going through your change."
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which
you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife,
and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the
time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year
old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that
read as follows:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be
at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a
mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54
goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the
clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud,
upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the
ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On
this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the
man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite
attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself
that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an
absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Fuck me here and now or climb
the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he
decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound
ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back
in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy
another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from,
there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At
Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny
buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's
this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink,
they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they
take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to
"No," replied the Polock, "but it happened to my sister!"
An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,
"You're in charge of sweeping".
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy he says, "You're in charge of supplies".
He says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make
a dent in that there pile".
The foreman goes away for a couple of hours, and when he returns, the pile of
sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I donna have-a no broom-a. You said
the Chinese-a guy was-a in a charge of supplies-a, but he a disappeared-a and
I couldnna find-a hiem."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad. But I counna get
meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in chairge of supplies, but I counna
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand
looking for the Chinese guy...
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about
the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of
water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm
first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in
water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly
sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
A scantily dressed girl goes to confession:
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked
"Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm. "Yes, Father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But Father, he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But Father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But Father, he put his you-know-what, in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He puts his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Y-Y-Yes Father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But Father, he has Herpes."
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife
in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to
the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and
removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going
to.. To.. Cut it off, are you???!?"
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. *I'm*
going to set the garage on fire."
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE
INTERRUPTS,"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN
FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY. "FIX THE LIGHT? NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I
HAVE A GE LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT
LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE
HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL
GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS
HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS
THE HOUSE, HE SEE THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE
NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID, "WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN
ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS,
AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO........ DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY
PICK UP LINES THAT WILL GET YOU KILLED
1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feedbag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6. My love for you is like diarrhea-I just can't hold it in.
7. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
8. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
9. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could
I meet you between the holidays?
10. You remind me of a championship bass-I don't know whether to mount you or
11. Your parents must be retarded because you are special.
12. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?
13. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
14. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open and I'll
put my head in.
Some people are only alive
because it is illegal to shoot them
I used to have a handle on life,
but it broke.
Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because
the voices only talk to ME.
It's not just
for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...
Isn't that cute.
I need someone real bad...
Are you real bad?
BEAUTY is in the eye
of the beer holder.
All men are idiots...
and I married their king.
The more you complain,
the longer God makes you live.
I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice):
We've got what it takes
to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff.
Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch
for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind...
Back in five minutes.
As long as there are tests,
there will be prayer
in public schools.
Hang up and drive.
I want to die peacefully
n my sleep like my grandfather...
Not screaming and yelling
like the passengers in his car.
At least the cows are sane.
God must love stupid people...
He made SO many.
I said "NO" to drugs,
but they didn't listen.
Your kid may be an Honor Student,
but YOU'RE still an idiot.
Smile, it's the second best thing
you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test
and the results were negative.
Where there's a will...
I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top,
but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive...
You might hit a bump
and spill your drink.
That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think,
and forget to start again?
Always remember you're unique...
Just like everyone else.
If You Want To See My Finger
Who lit the fuse
on your tampon?
God is my co-pilot,
but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill.
I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch.
Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation
isn't so hot, either!
Who were the testers
for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll.
Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple.
The other two,
it's an amusement park.
We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
If you drink, don't park.
Accidents cause people.
If you can read this
I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales!
Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over
when the First Lady sings.
for White House physician.
My wife keeps complaining
I never listen to her ...
or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government!
Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat,
I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders.
Don't re-elect them!