Hey George, How About Taking a Polygraph?
HEY, GEORGE...HOW ABOUT TAKING A POLYGRAPH?
A TvNewsLIES FANTASY - TVNL Contributing Editor
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy: Anon.
Note: An employer can request an employee to submit to a polygraph
test if "the test is being administered in connection with an ongoing
investigation." Employee Polygraph Protection Act (EPPA). 1988.
Applicable to George W. Bush, Public Servant, USA.
Hey, this is my fantasy, so don't nitpick. It's my scenario, so I've
secured a completely fool-proof lie detector run by the world's best
polygraph expert. I've arranged for the test to be broadcast live by
every radio and television network in the entire country. And,
fantasy of fantasies, George W. Bush has agreed to answer my
questions, unaided by external feeds and unaccompanied by Karl Rove or
Dick Cheney, while hooked up to the machine. Heck, if I'm going to
hallucinate, let's make it good.
I bet that millions of Americans share this daydream. Just imagine
having George W. Bush, President of these United States, alone in a
room for just one hour. And imagine being able to question him freely
about his disastrous presidency. And then, for one fantastic moment,
imagine putting him in the position of having to tell the truth! For
sure, in my fantasy, and with my special polygraph, he'd have to tell
Remember this is my fantasy and it's my polygraph. So, with every lie,
there would be a loud, piercing sound emitted from the machine With
every lie, the nation would hear the words YOU JUST LIED, GEORGE
blasted into their homes and printed in large block letters across
their TV screens. That should be a rather forceful incentive for
George Bush to avoid the lies he tells so well. It's my fantasy, so
he'll have to opt for telling the truth or having his lies exposed to
everyone, everywhere. Now, that's a really first-class fantasy if I
say so myself.
THE GROUND RULES
As I said, it's my fantasy, so I set the rules:
* One full hour, no support staff, no notes, no phone calls, and
no appeals for outside help. George Bush will answer every question
with a YES or NO response only. In place of either response, he may
choose not to answer the question at all. Of course, since this is a
fair fantasy, he also may evoke the Fifth Amendment at any time during
* There will be only twenty questions, out of a possible thousand.
That's so you'll keep reading this to the end. There is a moral to my
fable. Trust me.
* George Bush will be given a copy of the questions to be asked
prior to testing. Polygraph tests are not designed to surprise,
startle, or cause distress. However, on second thought, that does not
really apply in this case. Until now, one has ever dared to pose any
question that would demand a truthful answer from the President. As a
result, every single query is bound to be a surprise that will startle
and surely cause the man some distress. Fantasies are sometimes
* During the polygraph test, each question will be asked orally in
clear and standard English George Bush may ask for clarification of
any words or phrases he finds confusing or with which he is
unfamiliar. If he still does not understand the question, it will be
rephrased in simpler form. No one will ever be able to say that this
fantasy was elitist or unfair.
* And now, the significant part of this vision unfolds. Picture
the scene as the questions are about to begin: George Bush is seated
at a table, strapped comfortably to the polygraph. He smiles a bit
nervously at the camera, knowing he is center stage in all of America.
Someone says lights, camera, and action, as seems appropriate at this
fantastic moment. Here we go
For the TWENTY QUESTIONS and the BRIEF REALITY: