Jokes part deux
- The Burglar
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was
empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in
his tracks when he heard a loud voice say:
"Jesus is watching you...".
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
" Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he
looked all around.
In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot
Tha burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "
What's your name?"
" Clarence," said the bird
" That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar.
" What idiot name you Clarence?"
The parrot said " The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
ABSOLUTELY STUPID THINGS TO SAY TO A TRAFFIC COP
*Hey, you musta been doin' about 150 kph to keep up with me! Good job!
*Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged
*I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be
a police officer.
*Excuse me, but is "stick up" hyphenated?
*Hi Officer, do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's
*You know, I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high
*"Bad cop! No Donut!"
*I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know they are no other
cars around, That's how far I am behind the other cars.
*You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
*Didn't I see you get your buttkicked last week on COPS?
*I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
*So, uh, you "on the take" or what?
*Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only
gave me a warning too!
*Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
*So, are you still crabby because your mama didn't let you play with
your gun when you were little?
* Hey is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
*When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the
*Is it true that people become policeman because they are too dumb to
work at McDonalds?
Here's a little list of "Doc-isms" -- What doctors say, and what
they're really thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more
time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is,
you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink
who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next
"A Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients"
DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. Involvement with
the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific
BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life
and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. You must
believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true
nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
disability you may have experienced.
NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING
IT. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
explained in terms that you would understand.
SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. Though the surgery
may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will
surely be of widespread interest.
PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. You should consider it
a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of
physicians and other humanitarians.
DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. It is sheer
arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE
COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. The patient-doctor relationship
is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from
NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
The Warning Signs Of Insanity
-Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and
then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
-Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places
that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
-You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
-You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she
sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
-Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to
relieve yourself on it.
-You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of
evil dandruff spirits.
-You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
setting fire to his lawn decorations.
-Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
-People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
-Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing
-You laugh out loud during funerals.
-When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
-Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
through that scuba mask.
-You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to
one day seek revenge.
-You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
-Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your
-You collect dead windowsill flies.
-Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its
-You like cats. Especially with mayo.
-You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
-You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
-You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because
they weren't rescued.
-You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
-Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
-You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
-You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in
the middle of your front lawn.
-Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched
on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
-Melba toast excites you.
-When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room
to tell him, because "the napkins have ears" "and the spoon sticks
its tongue out".
-You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells
-Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you
think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
-You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just
for a few minutes.
-Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
-Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
-You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a
koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
-You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
pretend that you're a stalk.
-You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to
-You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
-People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
violation of your rights as a boysenberry.