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Re: [Kenya Saijiki] July Cold

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  • Isabelle Prondzynski
    Dear Patrick sensei, dear all, Yes, it is good to read about the July cold and to feel Nairobi via the internet even as far as here! Thank you for letting us
    Message 1 of 12 , Jul 26, 2010
      Dear Patrick sensei, dear all,

      Yes, it is good to read about the July cold and to feel Nairobi via
      the internet even as far as here! Thank you for letting us read your
      cold dry season haiku.

      the wooden frame
      tightens around the door--
      July cold

      This reads very well. It just leaves me with a question -- I wonder
      why this tightening is taking place? The frame would expand in the
      heat, or in wet weather -- but I cannot think why it would do so in
      the cold and dry season. Looking forward to the explanation!

      July cold drizzling
      on our mabati roof--
      grey morning

      This brings me to another remark. You only need one kigo for a haiku,
      and either "July" or "cold" is enough to show the reader that we are
      in the cold dry season.

      I wonder about "drizzling" -- was there a fine rain falling?

      Would this still express what you want to say :

      cold drizzle
      on our mabati roof--
      grey morning

      The next one is very expressive, as Caleb has already told you :

      the loud drone of an
      invisible plane over our roof--
      July grey sky

      The second line is too long though. Seven syllables is the absolute
      maximum for a second line. So perhaps this :

      the drone of an
      unseen plane over our roof--
      July grey sky

      or even :

      the drone of
      a plane over our roof--
      July grey sky

      You are observing so well, and you write inspired haiku. The wording
      can be revised and fine tuned -- your observations are excellent!

      Looking forward to your next collection,

      Isabelle.
    • Isabelle Prondzynski
      Dear Caleb san, Gabi sensei and all, Caleb, thank you for looking up the botanical details of the plant! This is another plant common in the leafy suburbs of
      Message 2 of 12 , Jul 26, 2010
        Dear Caleb san, Gabi sensei and all,

        Caleb, thank you for looking up the botanical details of the plant!

        This is another plant common in the leafy suburbs of Nairobi, and no
        doubt another highly poisonous shrub. Sadly, John Karmali seems not to
        have included it in his book. I shall try and look it up elsewhere
        when I am back in Nairobi, quite soon.

        There are many images here :

        http://www.flickr.com/search/?q=solandra%20grandiflora&w=all&s=int

        From what you say about this plant's flowering season, it must be a
        kigo for the cold dry season (June to September). So, we are still
        none the wiser about the other trumpet flower, but shall try and
        observe that one too.

        You are very lucky to have well labelled plants around you, Caleb!
        That is not always done, and it is a huge help to the botanist, the
        gardener and the haijin. Another plus for the University of Nairobi!

        Isabelle.


        On 26 Jul 2010, at 21:26, caleb wothes wrote:

        Dear all,
        I have been observing this shrub (trumpet plant) because it is next to
        the lawn where most of the students rest. There is another trumpet
        plant at the entrance, so everyday I pass there I see it. Last year,
        the trumpet plant started to blossom aroung May untill late July
        (Thank you Isabelle sensei for finding my haiku on trumpet that I
        wrote last year!). This year, however, the blossoms started withering
        ealy July and now there are only few blossom bulbs on the plant.

        The name tagged on this shrub is:

        Solandra grandiflora
        trumpet plant
        Solanaceae


        More trumpet haiku to come.

        Caleb Mutua.
      • Partrick Wafula
        Dear all, I have been observing some pre-school kids from a neighbouring school doing a very funny thing during this cold July; I have even taken them a photo
        Message 3 of 12 , Jul 27, 2010

          Dear all,
          I have been observing some pre-school kids from a neighbouring school doing a very funny thing during this cold July; I have even taken them a photo doing just that:

          grey morning--
          school kids line up to urinate
          on the pavement

          ~Patrick.
          --- On Mon, 7/26/10, Isabelle Prondzynski <prondis@...> wrote:

          From: Isabelle Prondzynski <prondis@...>
          Subject: Re: [Kenya Saijiki] July Cold
          To: kenyasaijiki@yahoogroups.com
          Date: Monday, July 26, 2010, 3:04 PM

          Dear Patrick sensei, dear all,

          Yes, it is good to read about the July cold and to feel Nairobi via 
          the internet even as far as here! Thank you for letting us read your 
          cold dry season haiku.

          the wooden frame
          tightens around the door--
          July cold

          This reads very well. It just leaves me with a question -- I wonder 
          why this tightening is taking place? The frame would expand in the 
          heat, or in wet weather -- but I cannot think why it would do so in 
          the cold and dry season. Looking forward to the explanation!

          July cold drizzling
          on our mabati roof--
          grey morning

          This brings me to another remark. You only need one kigo for a haiku, 
          and either "July" or "cold" is enough to show the reader that we are 
          in the cold dry season.

          I wonder about "drizzling" -- was there a fine rain falling?

          Would this still express what you want to say :

          cold drizzle
          on our mabati roof--
          grey morning

          The next one is very expressive, as Caleb has already told you :

          the loud drone of an
          invisible plane over our roof--
          July grey sky

          The second line is too long though. Seven syllables is the absolute 
          maximum for a second line. So perhaps this :

          the drone of an
          unseen plane over our roof--
          July grey sky

          or even :

          the drone of
          a plane over our roof--
          July grey sky

          You are observing so well, and you write inspired haiku. The wording 
          can be revised and fine tuned -- your observations are excellent!

          Looking forward to your next collection,

          Isabelle.




          ------------------------------------

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        • Partrick Wafula
          Dear Isabelle and all, Thanks for the revision; ... From: Isabelle Prondzynski Subject: Re: [Kenya Saijiki] July Cold To:
          Message 4 of 12 , Aug 2, 2010
            Dear Isabelle and all,
            Thanks for the revision;

            --- On Mon, 7/26/10, Isabelle Prondzynski <prondis@...> wrote:

            From: Isabelle Prondzynski <prondis@...>
            Subject: Re: [Kenya Saijiki] July Cold
            To: kenyasaijiki@yahoogroups.com
            Date: Monday, July 26, 2010, 3:04 PM

            Dear Patrick sensei, dear all,

            Yes, it is good to read about the July cold and to feel Nairobi via 
            the internet even as far as here! Thank you for letting us read your 
            cold dry season haiku.

            the wooden frame
            tightens around the door--
            July cold

            This reads very well. It just leaves me with a question -- I wonder 
            why this tightening is taking place? The frame would expand in the 
            heat, or in wet weather -- but I cannot think why it would do so in 
            the cold and dry season. Looking forward to the explanation!

            The frame expands in the cold because it absorbs some vapour and dampness, thus, the enlargement in size.

            July cold drizzling
            on our mabati roof--
            grey morning

            This brings me to another remark. You only need one kigo for a haiku, 
            and either "July" or "cold" is enough to show the reader that we are 
            in the cold dry season.

            I wonder about "drizzling" -- was there a fine rain falling? Yes, a very thin one.

            Would this still express what you want to say :

            cold drizzle
            on our mabati roof--
            grey morning

            This version is better than the former one.
            The next one is very expressive, as Caleb has already told you :

            the loud drone of an
            invisible plane over our roof--
            July grey sky

            The second line is too long though. Seven syllables is the absolute 
            maximum for a second line. So perhaps this :

            the drone of an
            unseen plane over our roof--
            July grey sky
            ~This version is the best; I would love to retain the word 'unseen' in the haiku.
            or even :

            the drone of
            a plane over our roof--
            July grey sky

            You are observing so well, and you write inspired haiku. The wording 
            can be revised and fine tuned -- your observations are excellent!

            Looking forward to your next collection,

            Isabelle.

            Thanks a lot for your devotion in helping me revise and make the haiku better.

            Patrick.




            ------------------------------------

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                (Yahoo! ID required)

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