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JJdJ Apr 2, 07: The Two-Minute Haggadah

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  • Irene A. Mystery
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    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 1, 2007
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      Welcome to Jewish Joke du Jour!

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      Apr 2, 2007 Volume 88, Issue 747


      Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

      o "The Two-Minute Haggadah"
      o Links du Jour
      o Jewish Quote du Jour

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      A Passover service for the impatient....

      LadyHawke
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      "The Two-Minute Haggadah"

      Opening prayers rapidly :

      Thank G~d for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
      Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)
      Dip the egg ( remove shell first )

      Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free.
      That's why we're doing this.

      Four questions:
      1. What's up with the matzah?
      2. What's the deal with horseradish?
      3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
      4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

      Answers:
      1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was
      no time for making decent bread.
      2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
      3. It's called symbolism.
      4. Hungry people get to slouch.

      Now tell a funny story:
      Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was
      morning. (Heat soup now.)

      The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
      Wise child - explain Passover.
      Simple child - explain Passover slowly.
      Silent child - explain Passover loudly.
      Religious child - have the child explain it to you.

      Speaking of children: We hid some matzah. Whoever
      finds it gets $4.25.

      The story of Passover:
      It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh
      is a nightmare. We cry out for help. G~d brings plagues
      upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzah.
      G~d parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians
      aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat
      manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple,
      enjoy several years without being persecuted again.
      (Let brisket cool now.)

      The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice - you can name
      all the bad stuff before you have dinner...lessens the
      appetite.

      The singing of "Dayenu":
      If G~d had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished
      our enemies, it would've been enough. If he'd
      punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea,
      it would've been enough, oh, Dayenu! Dayenu, Dayenu...

      If he'd parted the Red Sea - (Remove gefilte fish
      from refrigerator now.)

      Eat more matzah. Take a few more sips of way
      too sweet red wine. Slouch.

      Again thank G~d for everything....and do it all again
      tomorrow night.

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      Links du Jour

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      Jewish Quote du Jour

      "The Egyptians could run to Egypt , the Syrians into
      Syria. The only place we could run was into the sea,
      and before we did that we might as well fight."
      -- Golda Meir

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