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Daily bread

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  • Lukas Lauw
    His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to
    Message 1 of 3 , Sep 6, 2005
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      His wife had just bought a new line of expensive
      cosmetics
      absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer.
      She sat
      in front of the mirror for what had to be hours
      applying the
      "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she
      turned to
      her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age
      would you
      say I am?"

      He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said,
      "Well,
      judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, eighteen.
      Your
      figure, twenty-five."

      "Oh, you're so sweet!"

      "Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet..."


      Dear Abby letters best left unanswered...

      I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't
      know he
      drank until one night he came home sober.

      I suspected that my husband had been fooling around,
      and when
      I confronted him with the evidence he denied
      everything and
      said it would never happen again.

      My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist
      $50 an
      hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be
      crazy.

      I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so
      much I'm
      not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

      I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has
      been on
      the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I
      think my
      boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know
      him
      well enough to discuss money with him.

      A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
      One is a
      middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social
      worker in
      her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere
      together and
      I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come
      out. Do
      you think they could be Lebanese?



      Advances in science have lead to new medicines that
      make
      the lives of women around the world a little better...


      A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole
      when
      a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join
      him. The
      first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to
      let the
      second guy join him.

      Both are even after the first couple of holes. The
      second guy
      says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we
      play for
      five bucks a hole?"

      The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and
      doesn't
      like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second
      guy wins
      the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of
      the
      eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he
      confesses
      that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to
      pick
      on suckers.

      The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest
      at the
      local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets
      all
      flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest
      back
      his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and
      square
      and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your
      winnings."

      The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to
      make it up to you?"

      The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on
      Sunday and
      make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and
      father by
      after Mass, I'll marry them for you."


      A guy from Alabama was suffering from constipation, so
      his
      doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the guy

      complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the

      desired results.

      "Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor
      asked.

      "What do you think I've been doing," said the annoyed
      man,
      "shoving them up my ass?"




      An Irish, Jew and Greek guy were walking down the
      street
      when a piano fell on them. The next thing they new
      they
      were talking to St. Pete who explained it wasn't their
      time
      yet. However, in order to be sent back, they all had
      to
      agree to give up what they loved most in life.
      Naturally,
      all three men wanted to live and quickly agreed.

      Suddenly they were back on the street next to a
      shattered
      piano. Realizing there close call they decided to get
      a
      drink and walked into the closest bar. The Irish guy
      took
      a sip of his beer and suddenly disappeared, beer and
      all.
      The other two looked at each other, put their drinks
      down
      and left the bar realizing they would have to be
      careful.

      As they stepped outside, the Jewish guy saw a penny on
      the
      ground and stopped short in front of the Greek. He
      bent
      down to pick it up, and suddenly, the Greek was gone.



      A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a
      little
      nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind
      went
      blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in
      seminary
      school for when a situation like this arose -- repeat
      your
      last point. Often this will help you remember what
      should
      come next. So he gave it a try.

      "Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was
      blank.
      So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still
      nothing.

      He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence
      that he
      tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the
      stage,
      right into the lap of a little old lady in the front
      row.

      The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to

      apologize, and the woman replied, "That's all right,
      young
      man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the
      way.
      You told me three times you were coming!"







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    • Lukas Lauw
      It s been a while, so a big one... A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100
      Message 2 of 3 , Sep 23, 2005
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        It's been a while, so a big one...


        A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The
        manager
        is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make
        love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and
        satisfy
        them all.

        Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the
        next
        day.

        The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock .

        The guy drops his pants and starts. True to his word,
        he
        moves from one to the next, satisfying each one
        without
        pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51..
        He
        slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is
        still
        moving from one to the next, and the women are still
        satisfied: 97............ 98.............
        99...........
        and before he can get to the last woman, he has a
        heart
        attack and dies.

        The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says,
        "I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at
        practice this morning!"


        A just-married Chinese couple decided to make love on
        the
        wedding night in the hotel where they held their
        wedding.
        The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested
        the
        husband to buy condom from the shop nearby. When the

        husband left, the wife waited anxiously in the room
        with
        all the lights switched off.

        The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that
        sell
        condom and when he finally found one, he realized that
        he
        had only one 20-cent coin. He asked the shop owner to
        sell
        him one condom and the shop owner asked him which
        quality
        he wanted. "The white condom, lowest quality, is
        15-cents
        each. The black condom, average quality, is 20-cents
        each.
        And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25-cents
        each."
        So the husband took the black condom as he had only
        20-cents
        with him.

        While the husband was out, a black Indian thief came
        into
        the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it
        was
        her husband. She grabbed the thief and gladly began
        screwing
        him for over an hour. The wife was so exhausted that
        she fell
        asleep immediately.

        When the husband finally reached the hotel, he found
        his
        wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his
        wife
        and started making love. The wife was surprised that
        the
        husband was so energetic for a second go, as she
        enjoyed
        the session.

        A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy.

        When the baby grew older, he asked his father
        "Poppa-son,
        why am I black, and why are you white?"

        The father shouted, "You are damn lucky
        already--5-cents
        more and you would have been PURPLE".



        The bride said she wanted three children, while the
        young
        husband said two would be enough for him.

        They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes
        until the
        husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying
        boldly,
        "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."


        Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted,
        "Well, I
        hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your
        own."


        Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

        California? Oregon? Switzerland? Most believe it
        originated in
        Switzerland, but here's the real version.

        Many years ago a man was traveling through the
        mountains of
        Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he
        had
        nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked
        the
        farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told
        him that
        he could sleep in the barn.

        As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down
        from
        upstairs and asked her father, "Who is that man going
        into the
        barn?"

        "That's some fellow traveling through," said the
        farmer. "He
        needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he
        could sleep
        in the barn."

        The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she
        prepared him
        a plate of food and took it out to the barn.

        About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her
        clothing
        disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed
        she went.

        The farmer's wife was very observant. She then
        suggested that
        perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle
        of wine,
        took it out to the barn, and she too did not return
        for an
        hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned
        incorrectly
        and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight
        to bed.

        The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up
        and
        continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he
        left.
        When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor
        was gone,
        she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even
        saying
        goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love
        last night!"

        "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of
        the house
        looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the
        mountain.
        The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you!
        You had
        sex with my daughter!"

        The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped
        his
        hand next to his mouth, and yelled out,
        "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO."


        A man walks out of his house in Mississippi one day to

        find a black man hanging from a tree, wrapped in
        chains,
        and stabbed about 50 times. Completely mortified by
        this,
        the man calls 911 to inform the authorities.

        About an hour later, a policeman shows up, steps out
        of
        his car and looks up into the tree. The horrified man

        comes out of his house and walks up to the policeman
        and
        asks, "Well officer, what do you think?" The officer

        shakes his head and says," I'll be damned if this
        ain't
        the worst case of suicide I've ever seen!"




        THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

        My tire was thumping.
        I thought it was flat
        When I looked at the tire...
        I noticed your cat.
        Sorry!
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
        Heard your wife left you,
        How upset you must be.
        But don't fret about it...
        She moved in with me.
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
        Looking back over the years
        that we've been together,
        I can't help but wonder...
        "What the hell was I thinking?"
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
        Congratulations on your wedding day!
        Too bad no one likes your husband
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
        How could two people as beautiful as you
        Have such an ugly baby?
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
        I've always wanted to have
        someone to hold,
        someone to love.
        After having met you .
        I've changed my mind.
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
        I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
        I never believed in Hell until I met you.
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
        As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
        That you're not here to ruin it for me.
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
        Congratulations on your promotion.
        Before you go...
        Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
        You'll probably need it again.
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
        Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
        Almost Lifelike!
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
        When we were together,
        you always said you'd die for me.
        Now that we've broken up,
        I think it's time you kept your promise.
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
        We have been friends for a very long time .
        let's say we stop?
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
        I'm so miserable without you
        it's almost like you're here.
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
        Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
        Did you ever find out who the father was?
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
        Your friends and I wanted to do
        something special for your birthday.
        So we're having you put to sleep.
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
        So your daughter's a hooker,
        and it spoiled your day.
        Look at the bright side,
        it's really good pay.


        According to archaeologists, for millions of years
        Neanderthal
        man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to
        understand
        considering how ugly Neanderthal woman were.


        It was Olympics time and the Russians had sent their
        best
        man to compete in the wrestling competition. This man
        was
        famous for one thing, and that was the 'iron grip', if
        he
        got anyone into that grip, then they were as good as

        dead-meat. The Swedes were studying video cuts of this

        wrestler, and it dawned upon them, that if their
        competitor
        managed to avoid falling into this 'iron grip', they
        could
        win.

        The best of the Swedes finally made it to the final,
        and
        so did the Russian. It started good, the Swede
        managing
        to get a in couple of points. Then when there was only

        a half minute left the Russian managed to get the
        Swede
        into his 'Iron Grip'. The Swedish coach walked
        depressed
        back to the locker room. As he entered, he heard the
        crowd
        roar outside "Sverige, Sverige, Sverige! ".

        The wrestler entered the locker room cheering. The
        coach
        looked at him wonderingly, and asked, "How did you get

        out of the 'Iron-Grip'?" The wrestler was gasping air,

        "Well, as I was lying there, trying to get out of it,

        I saw these two nuts just hanging there in front of
        me,
        and I just thought: 'this is the Olympics; it is only

        held every 4th year; this is my big chance, it's now
        or
        never.' So, I put 'em in my mouth and bit as hard as

        I could.. and I can promise you one thing, if you bite

        your own balls that hard you can get out of any grip."



        One afternoon a seven year old girl returned home from
        school and announced that her friend had told her
        where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied:
        "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

        The little girl explained,

        "Well, OK - the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their
        clothes, and the Daddy's "thing" sort of stands up,
        and then the Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it
        sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."

        Her Mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to
        eye and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not
        how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry.


        The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions,
        so he
        asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The
        new priest
        hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks
        him to
        step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

        The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your
        chest and
        rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries
        this. The
        old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,'
        'yes,'
        'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about
        that?'"

        The new priest says those things, trying them out. The
        old
        priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little
        better than
        slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened
        next?'"


        A Christian, a Moslem, and a Jewish man, all very
        pious, met
        at an interfaith congress and got to talking about the

        experiences that had lead to their religious devotion.


        The Christian recounted being on a plane when it ran
        into a
        terrible storm over a remote wilderness area. "There
        was
        lightening and thunder all around us. The pilot told
        us to
        brace for the crash. I dropped to my knees and prayed
        to God
        to save us. Then for a thousand feet all around us the
        wind
        calmed and the rain stopped. We made it to the
        airport. And
        since then my faith has never wavered."

        The Moslem then told of a terrifying incident on his
        pilgrimage
        to Mecca. "A tremendous sandstorm came up out of
        nowhere, and
        within minutes my camel and I were almost buried. Sure
        I was
        going to die, I prostrated myself toward Mecca and
        prayed to
        Allah to deliver me. And suddenly, for a thousand feet
        all
        around me, the swirling dust settled and I was able to
        make
        my way safely across the desert. Since then I have
        been the
        most devout of believers."

        Nodding respectfully, the Jewish man then told his
        story. "One
        Sabbath I was walking back from the temple when I saw
        a huge
        sack of money just lying there at the edge of the
        road. It
        had clearly been abandoned, and I felt it was mine to
        take
        home. But obviously this would have been a violation
        of the
        Sabbath. So I dropped to my knees and prayed to
        Yahweh. And
        suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, it was
        Tuesday."


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