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Dear Uncle Sam

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  • jail4judges
    J.A.I.L. News Journal ____________________________________________________ Los Angeles, California July 30,
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 30, 2002
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      J.A.I.L. News Journal
      Los Angeles, California                                                  July 30, 2002
      Dear Uncle Sam

      TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
             Washington, D.C.

      Dear Sir:

      A friend mine, Ed Peterson, in Rusk, Texas received a check for $1,000
      from the government for not raising 50 hogs.  So, I want to go into the hog non-raising business next year.

      What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm
      not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?
      I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all
      governmental policies.  I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if
      that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not
      raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

      As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an
      accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

      My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future prospects of the non-hog raising business. You see, previously he raised hogs for twenty years, and the best he ever made on them was $422. But thanks to you, this year he got your check for $1000 for not raising 50 hogs. And he says the work of non-hog raising is a lot easier than hog raising.

      If he gets $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, can I get $2000 for not raising
      100 hogs?  I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself
      down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000
      the first year.

      Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000
      bushels of corn.  I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising
      corn and wheat.  Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and
      corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

      Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me
      any information you have on that too.

      In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally
      unemployed and I will plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

      Patriotically Yours,

      P.S.  Oh, yes, would you please notify me when you plan on distributing more free cheese? I'll accept a truck load, and will let you know where to bring the truck at that time. Please don't forget to bring a forklift to unload the cheese. Thanks a bunch. Boy, I have to commend you guys in government because you think of everything. My grandpa, who use to run the farm, never had it so good in his day.

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