Dear Uncle Sam
- J.A.I.L. News Journal
Los Angeles, California July 30, 2002Dear Uncle Sam
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
A friend mine, Ed Peterson, in Rusk, Texas received a check for $1,000
from the government for not raising 50 hogs. So, I want to go into the hog non-raising business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm
not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?
I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all
governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if
that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not
raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future prospects of the non-hog raising business. You see, previously he raised hogs for twenty years, and the best he ever made on them was $422. But thanks to you, this year he got your check for $1000 for not raising 50 hogs. And he says the work of non-hog raising is a lot easier than hog raising.
If he gets $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, can I get $2000 for not raising
100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself
down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000
the first year.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000
bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising
corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and
corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me
any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally
unemployed and I will plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
P.S. Oh, yes, would you please notify me when you plan on distributing more free cheese? I'll accept a truck load, and will let you know where to bring the truck at that time. Please don't forget to bring a forklift to unload the cheese. Thanks a bunch. Boy, I have to commend you guys in government because you think of everything. My grandpa, who use to run the farm, never had it so good in his day.
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