July 30, 2002
TO: Honorable Secretary
A friend mine, Ed Peterson, in Rusk, Texas received
a check for $1,000
from the government for not raising 50 hogs. So, I
want to go into the hog non-raising business next year.
What I want to know is,
in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm
not to raise hogs on, and what
is the best breed of hogs not to raise?
I want to be sure that I approach
this endeavor in keeping with all
governmental policies. I would prefer
not to raise razorbacks, but if
that is not a good breed not to raise, then I
will just as gladly not
raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the
hardest part of this program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how
many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the
future prospects of the non-hog raising business. You see, previously
he raised hogs for twenty years, and the best he ever made on them was
$422. But thanks to you, this year he got your check for $1000 for not
raising 50 hogs. And he says the work of non-hog raising is a lot easier than
If he gets $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, can I get
$2000 for not raising
100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at
first, holding myself
down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean
the first year.
Now another thing, these hogs I will
not raise will not eat 100,000
bushels of corn. I understand that you
also pay farmers for not raising
corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and
corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not
going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business,
so send me
any information you have on that too.
In view of these
circumstances, you understand that I will be totally
unemployed and I will
plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
P.S. Oh, yes, would you please notify me when you
plan on distributing more free cheese? I'll accept a truck load,
and will let you know where to bring the truck at that
time. Please don't forget to bring a forklift to unload the
cheese. Thanks a bunch. Boy, I have to commend you guys in
government because you think of everything. My grandpa, who use to run the
farm, never had it so good in
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