(U.S.) Factory-Farm-To-Table Restaurant Proudly Serves Locally Tortured Animals
- The Onion (satire)
ST. Helena, Ca — Promising cuisine made from the “freshest, most inhumanely treated ingredients,” new factory-farm-to-table restaurant Cage announced this week that it is proud to serve the meat of locally tortured animals. The restaurant, which boasts that it only uses meat raised and slaughtered in abhorrent conditions within a 100-mile radius of its premises, confirmed that it works exclusively with a network of corporately owned factory farms to ensure its suppliers adhere to the highest standards of cruelty.
“We offer a different kind of dining experience, one that preserves the link between the food on the table and the industrial plants that make each animal’s short time on this earth a living hell,” owner and head chef Mason Keflani said. “We want our customers to understand that the steak they’re eating not only originated nearby, but came from a cow who suffered immensely from the moment it was born to the moment a conveyor belt moved it into place so that men with hooks and knives could tear it to pieces.”
“That’s our philosophy,” he added.