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Babysitter Eris

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  • princess_unicornia
    BABYSITTER ERIS by Princess Unicornia and Fairy Princess Yoshikyoko Members of the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild (
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 19, 2006
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      BABYSITTER ERIS

      by Princess Unicornia and Fairy Princess Yoshikyoko
      Members of the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild
      ( discordia.loveshade.org )

      Once upon a time, the Goddess Eris was asked to babysit little
      cherub Princess Shamlicht. The princess had been so thirsty and had
      sucked so much e had drained es wet nurse dry. With no milk left,
      the nurse went to look for Hera, who had squirted the entire Milky
      Way out of one of es breasts. If anybody had milk, it would be Hera.

      Eris thought, "Why did I let myself get stuck babysitting this brat?
      My sister Aneris never has to babysit anybody." Of course that was
      because Aneris was in charge of non-existence, and liked making
      things disappear. Nobody would leave their baby with Aneris.

      The goddess thought about leaving the princess with es brother
      Spirituality, but didn't think the baby girl was ready to become a
      monk.

      But Eris had to do something, because Princess Shamlicht started
      crying. "I bet e just wants to be held," thought Eris. "But I don't
      feel like doing it. I have to get somebody to take over babysitting
      for me. Who's good at holding princesses?"

      Eris thought, "Of course!" The goddess knew who had a lot of
      experience doing it, so e used es star phone and called Saint
      Fearless Fred. But Fearless Fred said, "I'm sorry, Eris, but I can't
      stop to babysit. I've got to rescue a maiden in distress."

      Eris said, "Fred, I'm a maiden in distress. I need somebody to take
      charge of this baby."

      But Fearless Fred said, "Eris, no offense. You may be in distress,
      but a maiden you ain't." So Eris got mad and slammed down the phone.
      But e didn't slam it on anything, so it went flying and hit Binky
      the WonderSkull in the head. Nobody heard Binky cry out, because as
      anybody knows a skull has no vocal cords. But a skull has no nerves
      either, so Binky felt nothing.

      The princess cried even louder. Then Eris thought, "Maybe the
      princess doesn't want to be held. Maybe e's just hungry. Who's good
      at feeding infants?"

      Then e thought, "Of course! The Sacred Chao! Who better to give milk
      to a sacred princess than a sacred chao?" So e called the Chao on a
      second star phone because e'd thrown the first one away. E was going
      to ask, "Got milk?" But all e heard was a recording. It said, "Mu,
      mu, mu, mu, mu. BEEP!" Eris was too upset to bother leaving a
      message, so e threw the phone. It flew until it hit Taurus in the
      crotch. The bull screamed in pain and frustration, for at that very
      moment e was trying to mount the unwilling Chao, who was then able
      to escape.

      The princess cried even louder. "I wonder if e needs es diaper
      changed?" thought Eris. The goddess looked and saw something moving
      in Princess Shamlicht's diaper. Then it came out, and it was a
      flying monkey! "Holy crap!" said Eris. "Princess Shamlicht had a
      monkey flying out of es butt! No wonder the baby was crying. But I
      definitely don't want to do any diaper changing. Who can I call to
      help? Who's good at handling crap?"

      Eris thought, "Of course! I know someone who deals with crap all the
      time." So e got another star phone, and called Reverend Loveshade.
      The reverend came right over. E gently removed the princess' dirty
      diaper, wiped Shamlicht squeaky clean with a page from Principia
      Discordia, powdered em with holy fairy dust made from a page of
      Apocrypha Discordia, and made a diaper for em out of a page from Ek-
      sen-trik-kuh Discordia.

      But right after the reverend diapered the princess, the baby girl
      let loose with a really stinky, dirty, icky one. Reverend Loveshade
      looked at the mess the cherub had made on a page of es book, and
      said, "Hmm. This makes it look a whole lot better." So e signed es
      name to the page, once again taking credit for someone else's crap.

      As Hera had just given birth to another one of es brother Zeus'
      children, e had plenty of milk to give to the princess' nurse, who
      returned and fed Shamlicht. So Eris got freed from babysitting,
      Loveshade got another submission, and Princess Shamlicht got milk.
      Everybody was happy. Except for Taurus, of course.

      The End
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