- BABYSITTER ERIS
by Princess Unicornia and Fairy Princess Yoshikyoko
Members of the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild
( discordia.loveshade.org )
Once upon a time, the Goddess Eris was asked to babysit little
cherub Princess Shamlicht. The princess had been so thirsty and had
sucked so much e had drained es wet nurse dry. With no milk left,
the nurse went to look for Hera, who had squirted the entire Milky
Way out of one of es breasts. If anybody had milk, it would be Hera.
Eris thought, "Why did I let myself get stuck babysitting this brat?
My sister Aneris never has to babysit anybody." Of course that was
because Aneris was in charge of non-existence, and liked making
things disappear. Nobody would leave their baby with Aneris.
The goddess thought about leaving the princess with es brother
Spirituality, but didn't think the baby girl was ready to become a
But Eris had to do something, because Princess Shamlicht started
crying. "I bet e just wants to be held," thought Eris. "But I don't
feel like doing it. I have to get somebody to take over babysitting
for me. Who's good at holding princesses?"
Eris thought, "Of course!" The goddess knew who had a lot of
experience doing it, so e used es star phone and called Saint
Fearless Fred. But Fearless Fred said, "I'm sorry, Eris, but I can't
stop to babysit. I've got to rescue a maiden in distress."
Eris said, "Fred, I'm a maiden in distress. I need somebody to take
charge of this baby."
But Fearless Fred said, "Eris, no offense. You may be in distress,
but a maiden you ain't." So Eris got mad and slammed down the phone.
But e didn't slam it on anything, so it went flying and hit Binky
the WonderSkull in the head. Nobody heard Binky cry out, because as
anybody knows a skull has no vocal cords. But a skull has no nerves
either, so Binky felt nothing.
The princess cried even louder. Then Eris thought, "Maybe the
princess doesn't want to be held. Maybe e's just hungry. Who's good
at feeding infants?"
Then e thought, "Of course! The Sacred Chao! Who better to give milk
to a sacred princess than a sacred chao?" So e called the Chao on a
second star phone because e'd thrown the first one away. E was going
to ask, "Got milk?" But all e heard was a recording. It said, "Mu,
mu, mu, mu, mu. BEEP!" Eris was too upset to bother leaving a
message, so e threw the phone. It flew until it hit Taurus in the
crotch. The bull screamed in pain and frustration, for at that very
moment e was trying to mount the unwilling Chao, who was then able
The princess cried even louder. "I wonder if e needs es diaper
changed?" thought Eris. The goddess looked and saw something moving
in Princess Shamlicht's diaper. Then it came out, and it was a
flying monkey! "Holy crap!" said Eris. "Princess Shamlicht had a
monkey flying out of es butt! No wonder the baby was crying. But I
definitely don't want to do any diaper changing. Who can I call to
help? Who's good at handling crap?"
Eris thought, "Of course! I know someone who deals with crap all the
time." So e got another star phone, and called Reverend Loveshade.
The reverend came right over. E gently removed the princess' dirty
diaper, wiped Shamlicht squeaky clean with a page from Principia
Discordia, powdered em with holy fairy dust made from a page of
Apocrypha Discordia, and made a diaper for em out of a page from Ek-
But right after the reverend diapered the princess, the baby girl
let loose with a really stinky, dirty, icky one. Reverend Loveshade
looked at the mess the cherub had made on a page of es book, and
said, "Hmm. This makes it look a whole lot better." So e signed es
name to the page, once again taking credit for someone else's crap.
As Hera had just given birth to another one of es brother Zeus'
children, e had plenty of milk to give to the princess' nurse, who
returned and fed Shamlicht. So Eris got freed from babysitting,
Loveshade got another submission, and Princess Shamlicht got milk.
Everybody was happy. Except for Taurus, of course.