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Weakly Humerus News 12-12-09

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-12-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK President Obama will go to Oslo, Norway, tomorrow to accept his Nobel Peace
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 13 3:52 AM
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-12-09


      President Obama will go to Oslo, Norway, tomorrow to accept his Nobel Peace Prize. Rumors are Tiger Woods will be there accepting his Nobel Piece Prize. (Pedro Bartes)

      Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama's face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown. (Seth Meyers)

      It was a busy night at the White House last night. They had a big party. And during the evening, this is true, President Obama got up and danced with Santa Claus. Or as Fox News reported it, “Obama dances with old man who makes kids sit on his lap.” (Conan O'Brien)

      Just noticed this ad in Sports Illustrated: Pro golfer needs new Caddy. (Paul Feehan)

      Denny's is now offering a "Tiger Woods Breakfast": Swedish pancakes with your choice of side dishes. (Tim Hunter)

      President Obama's ordering 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan is the largest manpower deployment since paparazzi to Isleworth, Fla. (Torben Rolfsen)

      A group of Senate Democrats has made a deal to offer all Americans health insurance just like the plan used by federal employees. But unlike federal workers, Americans who enroll in this plan will still have to work. (Jake Novak)

      The chairman of the Nobel committee remarked that Obama's leadership is a "call to action," not to be confused with Bill Clinton's leadership, which was a call to get action. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Palin said: "The president should boycott Copenhagen." Have you seen the President smoke? I think he should pinch Copenhagen. (Jerry Perisho)


      Tiger's wife went for him after he scored a birdie.

      Tiger said the fault of the accident was his Escalade. It's typical of a golfer-always blame the caddy.

      Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract for her own set of drivers. Their motto: "Clubs you can beat Tiger with."

      Another woman has come forward, claiming to have been one of Tiger Woods' girls. Or as his wife puts it, he's at 11-over. (Tim Hunter)

      There are already 9 women claiming to have had affairs with Tiger. I think he's done, he just completed 18 holes. (Pedro Bartes)

      Most people find Tiger Woods guilty for ruining such a beautiful family. The only one, so far, ready to pardon him is Mike Huckabee. (Pedro Bartes)

      The irony gods are relentless. The Chinese Year of the Tiger next year begins the day after Valentine's Day. (Torben Rolfsen)

      Most of Tiger's alleged mistresses are waitresses, hostesses or porn stars. It's too bad none of them are English teachers because he appears to end too many sentences with a proposition. (RJ Currie)

      The latest of eleven, count 'em, women to allege an affair with Tiger is a porn star who claims he not only had sex with her but co-starred in her latest feature "Behind the Green Jacket." (Bob Mills)

      This year's winner of the "Mulligan, Please?" Award: the January issue of Golf Digest — the one that touts "10 Tips Obama Can Take From Tiger" on the cover. (Dwight Perry)

      Kevin Costner and George Clooney dated two of the girls Tiger Woods dated. And to think it used to be such an honor to play the same hole as Tiger Woods. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Former Tiger Woods mistress Jamie Grubbs says Tiger has trouble sleeping at night. Knowing how Elin reacted to his cheating, you can bet he's sleeping with one eye open at night now. (Jim Barach)

      Give Tiger Woods credit for one thing, he has proved that given an interesting enough topic, most Americans WILL read. (Janice Hough)

      President Barack Obama is going to send more troops to Afghanistan. And Tiger Woods wants to be one of them. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Tiger Woods saga is all the result of a simple misunderstanding. When Tiger would say, "Honey, I'm going to play around," his wife would just assume that meant golf and say, "Have fun!" (Sid Knowles)

      In a “Naughty America” sex video, a topless Tiger Woods girlfriend, Holly Sampson, said she had sex separately with Kevin Costner and Tiger Woods, but only described Costner as well endowed. If he isn’t careful, this whole thing could get embarrassing for Tiger. (Alex Kaseberg)

      As the holidays approach, police remind us that texting while driving is dangerous. Also texting while chipping, putting and walking the fairways. As Tiger Woods will attest. (Janice Hough)

      Tune in to the Golf Channel tonight at 9 for the latest on preventing whacked neighbors in errant Escalades from ruining your front yard: "Lawn Order: S.U. V." (Paul Feehan)

      A fifth Tiger Woods mistress has surfaced. As a result, he's got another product endorsement. Instead of hawking Buicks, he'll be the new Energizer Bunny. (Alan Ray)

      The 12th woman to claim to have had an affair with Tiger Woods has hired attorney Gloria Allred. Apparently she liked that Allred is famous, aggressive and gives group discounts. (Jim Barach)

      In one of the largest mass demonstrations in recent history, over one million women claiming to have had sexual liaisons with Tiger Woods marched on Washington today. Determined to show that they are a political force to be reckoned with, the coalition of nightclub hostesses, cocktail waitresses and lingerie models stopped traffic for hours as they marched to the Capitol. (Andy Borowitz)

      One of Tiger Woods' many alleged mistresses is trying to sell alleged pictures of Tiger Woods naked to Playgirl.com. I don't want to ruin it for her, but many gold fans have seen Tiger's balls before in tons of golf magazines. (Pedro Bartes)

      Tiger Woods’s girlfriend #1, Rachel Uchitel, told “OK” magazine she is not a whore; she prefers the term professional intercourse consultant. (Alex Kaseberg)

      How shocking would this headline have been just a few weeks ago? "Tiger's alleged mistress apologizes to wife." Even more shocking, the fact that at this point the response of most Americans would be "Which one?" (Janice Hough)

      Tiger Woods has been linked to his 11th mistress, and his second porn star, Joslyn James, who claims Tiger paid for her liposuction. Which is fair considering what she had to suck out of Tiger. (Pedro Bartes)

      "The View" is apologizing to Tiger Woods mistress Rachel Uchitel for host Joy Behar calling her a hooker. Uchitel says that Woods taught her that using a power fade was a much better strategy. (Jim Barach)

      Tiger Woods is considering an invitation to appear on the sofa of the Oprah Winfrey show, especially because it is a comfy one to crash for a while until his wife calms down. (Pedro Bartes)

      Let’s see who is on top of the Tiger Woods leader board. It’s porn star Joslyn James who is leading the other ten players by a mere 4,232 stokes. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The newest gift this season? The Tiger Woods advent calendar. Every day in December another window opens to a surprise. (Janice Hough)

      One of Tiger Woods’s girlfriends, Jamiee Grubbs, claims she didn’t know Tiger was married when they had sex. So apparently she was the only person in the country who did not know Tiger was married, besides Tiger. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Tiger Woods says he will take an indefinite break from golf. This follows his infidelity break from his marriage. (Jim Barach)

      Tiger Woods' mother-in-law was admitted to the hospital yesterday. And if you thought Tiger was a hero to all the men out there for having affairs with tons of hot women, now that he almost killed his mother-in-law, his status was elevated to almost God. (Pedro Bartes)

      Earlier in the year, Representative Joe Baca introduced a resolution to honor Tiger Woods with a Congressional Gold Medal. He has withdrawn the resolution. Apparently he feels that it would set a bad precedent to give a medal to someone who clearly seems to be working towards a career in politics. (Janice Hough)

      Is Tiger Woods on Twitter? The answer is yes and no. Tiger is not on Twitter the networking website, Tiger is on a stripper from Gainesville whose nickname is Twitter. (Alex Kaseberg)


      Big day for President Obama. He accepted his Nobel Prize today and then got right back to the business of running two wars. (David Letterman)

      It's a great day for President Barack Obama. He accepted a Noble Peace Prize in Norway. I don't want to say this Obama love is out of control, but his acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize just won a Pulitzer Prize, and his overall performance has just won an Oscar. (Craig Ferguson)

      I have to say, not a great day for President Obama. A new poll shows that President Obama has the lowest approval rating of any first-year president in the history of presidents. Things are so bad today the president said the surge in Afghanistan was all Tiger Woods's idea. (Craig Ferguson)

      President Obama accepts the Nobel Peace Prize on Thursday. He's humbled because he knows of major skirmishes still going on in the world. Israel-Palestine, Sunni-Shia, Elin-Tiger… (Alan Ray)

      Oprah Winfrey is going to the White House for a Christmas special with the Obamas. It will be an exciting time for both the leader of the free world and most powerful person on the planet. I'm just not sure which one is which? (Alex Kaseberg)

      President Obama spoke at a town hall last week and a student stood up and asked him if he would consider legalizing drugs to stimulate the economy. Unfortunately, the student's follow-up question was, "Do you ever hear colors?" (Conan O'Brien)

      Well, President Obama's approval rating has hit a new low — 47 percent according to the latest Gallup poll. But White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said that a "6-year-old with a crayon" could come up with those same poll results. You know, I'll bet it's the same 6-year-old with a crayon that came up with the last budget they came out with. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama's illegal immigrant aunt says she hasn't had contact with him since his inauguration. Well, she can come unannounced to the next White House Party. (Pedro Bartes)


      The only position open at the White House job fair was social secretary. (Michael Feldman)

      On "Meet the Press" Sunday while talking about Afghanistan, Hillary Clinton said, "Good grief, this country was devastated by three decades of the most brutal kind of war." Good grief? It's bad enough the Obama administration bumped the Charlie Brown Christmas special last week. Do they have to rub it in our faces by saying, "Good grief" all the time? (Frank King)


      Congress was hard at work today trying to come up with a fair playoff system for college football. Congress was working on this. Meanwhile, the N. C.A. A. spent the afternoon kicking around ideas for how to win the war in Afghanistan. They were like, the real issue wasn't health care, two wars and unemployment, it's who gets to play in the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition. (Craig Ferguson)

      Senate Democrats have reached a health care reform deal. They're dropping the public option and lowering Medicare eligibility to age 55. The Democrats think they can get John McCain on board. All his kids would be covered. (Frank King)

      Senator Harry Reid wants to create a national insurance plan, administered by the federal government, that would offer insurance policies from private companies. Which is kind of like asking people to wait in line at the post office so they can pay for shipping from FedEx. (Jake Novak)


      California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger used a dramatic climate change map to demonstrate how global warming could ruin the state of California. But he said not to worry, by the time he's done as governor, there will be nothing left to destroy. (Pedro Bartes)

      A Florida woman is facing a felony domestic abuse charge for allegedly striking her boyfriend several times in the head with a raw steak. Apparently, she had a beef with him. (Pedro Bartes)

      The good news for gays and lesbians in New Jersey is that a state senate panel has approved same-sex marriage. The bad news is all the marriage arrangements will have to be made at the DMV. (Jake Novak)

      The Aria Resort and Casino will open their 67-acre, 5900-room, six tower complex on December 10, offering the most generous incentives in hospitality industry history. Visitors who reserve a penthouse with three or more balconies will have their bed turned down each night by either Cher, Bette Midler or Wayne Newton, while those requesting suites with three or more rooms receive a complementary hooker or Chippendale dancer, their choice. (Bob Mills)

      Police in Texas seized a batch of ecstasy pills that are shaped like Barack Obama's head. That's the only way Rush Limbaugh can swallow him. (Pedro Bartes)

      Police in Texas have seized a batch of Ecstasy pills shaped like President Obama. They also found some Melatonin tablets that looked like Joe Biden. (Tim Hunter)

      A doctor in Cleveland who was arrested for making pipe bombs was defended by his mother who says that is just his hobby. Remember when most doctors spent their spare time on the golf course? (Jim Barach)


      According to a new poll that just came out, 44 percent of Americans wish President Bush were back in office. However it's only 20 percent if you exclude comedy writers. (Conan O'Brien)


      According to an internal memo, one of Sarah Palin's demands for her book-signing appearance at the Mall of America was no foreign press allowed. And by foreign press she meant everybody but Fox News. (Pedro Bartes)

      Sarah Palin's book, "Going Rogue," No. 1 on the New York Times best-sellers. Well, sadly, Sarah Palin will never know that because, as you know, she does not read The New York Times. (Jay Leno)

      Lou Dobbs hinted to reporters he might run for president. He'd have to run as an Independent. He's pro-choice, so he can't get the GOP nomination, and he's a white male, so the Democrats won't nominate him for anything but a war crimes trial.

      Former Vice President Dick Cheney is working on his memoirs. People say when the book comes out, President Bush is not going to be happy. Not because the book is critical of Bush, but because it's one of those books that's all words. (Conan O'Brien)


      Hey, some good tax news, The IRS announced today that you can write off your New Jersey Nets season tickets as a total loss. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama said that we have to "continue to spend our way out" of the recession. Now, I don't know much about economics, but aren't we like a trillion dollars in debt? Spending our way out of the recession? Isn't that like trying to drink your way out of alcoholism? (Jay Leno)

      Donald Trump urged President Obama to force U.S. banks to start loaning money again. Things are dire. The construction industry is so slow that Mexicans have gone home and now Lou Dobbs is calling for a crackdown on migrants from Oklahoma. (Argus Hamilton)

      Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner confirmed today we are expected to lose $30 billion from our investment in the auto industry, to which Bernie Madoff goes, "Hey, I could have done better than that." (Jay Leno)


      Time Warner will spin off its AOL unit to shareholders today, otherwise known as "taking out the trash." (Jake Novak)

      Adidas ended its deal with a factory in New York and relocated a hundred jobs to Thailand. Right on time. Barack Obama promised to create jobs while he was on his trip to Asia, and sure enough the first hundred have just been created in Bangkok. (Argus Hamilton)

      McDonald's is rolling out several new breakfast choices for $1. While this will help millions of Americans cope with the recession, it's also expected to blow up the cost of health care reform. (Jake Novak)

      AT&T just released a new iPhone App called "Mark the Spot" that lets users send in feedback about dropped calls. Isn't that great? They also have apps that mark the spots where your girlfriend broke up with you, where you threw up on your boss's new suit, and where Carrie Underwood told you to "get lost before I break your nose." (Jerry Perisho)

      iPhone sales are expected to surge this week now that's there's a new app that tells you how many yards you are from one of Tiger Woods' mistresses at any time. (Jake Novak)

      A US Appeals Court has reversed a previous court decision ordering MGA to stop selling "Bratz" dolls and transfer ownership of the franchise to its rival Mattel. According to an MGA spokesman, the company will stock toy store shelves with Bratz dolls in time for Christmas, but will also market the new line they had designed to replace them -- "Tiger Woods' Mistress" dolls in 11 different models. (Bob Mills)

      Five AIG executives are now threatening to quit if the government limits their pay. Most taxpayers would be glad to get rid of them except that if they do leave the company, they plan to run for Congress. (Jake Novak)


      You gotta hand it to the two that crashed the White House. They did it of their own volition. Didn't need the Supreme Court. (Bill Williams)

      Yesterday in Minnesota, a man was arrested because he threw two tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Security immediately arrested the guy and gave him his own show on MSNBC. (Conan O'Brien)


      Well, did you hear about this, ladies and gentlemen? I thought this was exciting. Our top commander in Afghanistan, General McChrystal, says that it's time now to get Osama bin Laden. Why not? All right. (David Letterman)

      Looks like the Obama administration is expanding the C. I.A.' s controversial use of pilotless aircraft flying over Pakistan. See, what is controversial about that? We've got pilotless Northwest planes flying over Minneapolis. (Jay Leno)

      A new report says the U. S. armed forces' deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan are taking a toll on the military's children. It turns out those kids are having a hard time fitting in with their classmates because they're the only ones who can find those countries on a map. (Jake Novak)

      NASA & SPACE

      NASA launched a missile at the moon to determine if there's water. Well, they found about 25 gallons - 25 gallons! The project cost $79 million. You thought bottled water was expensive. (David Letterman)

      Virgin Galactic is taking deposits for their planned 2011 passenger suborbital space flights. The price of the tickets is expected to be $200,000. With presumably about $100,000 extra in fuel surcharges and taxes, not to mention nominal charges for inflight snacks and beverages. (Janice Hough)


      Challenging Scotland as the world's largest whiskey-maker, for the first time in over a century, England is producing its own single malt whiskey at the family-run St. George's Distillery. St. George's has been authorized to print "By Appointment to Amy Winehouse" on their label. (Bob Mills)


      The Warsaw zoo has had two live humans wearing animal skins on display in a cage to spark interest in man's caveman ancestry. It also teaches the locals how to save a bunch of money on their car insurance. (Doug Austen)


      Scientists at the Hadron particle accelerator in Geneva have reported a major breakthrough with the first high-energy collision of two protons. Of course, that's not nearly as exciting as the collision of an Escalade with a fire hydrant and a tree. (Bill Mihalic)

      Cellphones do not cause brain damage to users; they were that way to begin with. (Michael Feldman)

      A new study from Purina found that house cats spend about 22 percent of their days looking out windows, 12 percent of their days playing with other pets, 8 percent climbing on chairs and just 6 percent sleeping. The study also found that cats had the exact same schedule as Joe Biden. (Jimmy Fallon)


      A new study says an ingredient in beer may actually help prevent prostate cancer. God bless science. (Tim Hunter)

      All canned Slim Fast drinks have been recalled because of a possible bacterial contamination. On the positive side, dysentery can be an outstanding weight loss tool. (Jerry Perisho)


      Chicago is buried in snow. Oprah apparently wanted a white Christmas and what's God going to do, say no to Oprah? (Tim Hunter)

      It is so cold Britney is wearing underwear. (Pedro Bartes)

      It is so cold, Tiger Woods' wife said she wants to burn some wood. (Pedro Bartes)

      It sure is cold. So cold that Osama bin Laden was seen hiding in the border region between Palm Beach and Fort Lauderdale. (David Letterman)

      It is so cold even Kirstie Alley is refusing to open the refrigerator. (Pedro Bartes)

      Buffalo, NY may get up to three feet of snow today. Experts say the only more dangerous place in America right now is Tiger Woods' house. (Jake Novak)

      English vintners say that global warming is actually helping their business with milder conditions that produce better grapes. Who knew that the biggest group lobbying against the belief in global warming are the winos? (Jim Barach)

      Prostitutes in Copenhagen are offering free sex to the climate-change delegates. How many Republicans do you think are going to start believing in global warming just to take advantage of this offer? (Pedro Bartes)


      I don't know if landing in Group C will provide a boost for U. S. soccer, but if nothing else, being placed with Algeria and Slovenia will benefit our geography teachers. (David Thomas)
      Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban hosted WWE's Monday Night Raw and got kicked in the privates and put through a table. It's the most talked about smoking of a Cuban since the Clinton administration. (RJ Currie)

      What do you call it if the quarterback of the Denver Broncos watches the upcoming Superbowl halftime show? 'Orton Hears The Who. (RJ Currie)

      A horse was entered in the sixth race Friday at Hollywood Park in Los Angeles named Driveliketiger. The horse unfortunately was scratched. Wonder if he claimed he hit a hydrant or a tree? (Janice Hough)

      Driveliketiger, sendipitously scratched last Friday, is back at it again today, drawing post No. 7 in the second race at Hollywood Park. Fittingly, it's a maiden claiming race." (Gary Loewen)

      Driveliketiger paid $2.60 to show in Wednesday's second race at Hollywood Park. My hunch is it'll do better when it goes to stud. (Steve Schrader)


      Brett Favre broke the NFL record for most consecutive games played Sunday with 283 in the Vikings’ game against the Cardinals. He also broke the “most scoring after retirement” record, previously held by Wilt Chamberlain. (Jerry Perisho)

      Dolphins defensive end Randy Starks allegedly driving with a woman sitting on his lap bumped a police officer with his pickup truck. Starks, no doubt, will claim it was because he was being held. (Tom F.)

      The most startling fast break of the NBA season took place in Denver on Thursday night, when the Nuggets' Carmelo Anthony made a mad dash to the locker room early in the fourth quarter of his team's 114-96 win. "I got Kaopectate in my hand," Anthony explained to reporters after the game. "You guys do the math." (Dwight Perry)

      Minnesota police cited Vikings wide receiver Bernard Berrian going 104 mph in a 60-mph zone, a few days after they caught his teammate Adrian Peterson going 109 mph in a 55-mph zone. Meanwhile Brett Favre was allegedly cited for going 15 mph in a 35 mph zone, with his left blinker on. (Janice Hough)


      The No. 1 movie at the box office is the end-of-the-world action film '2012.' In the movie, California is crumbling, America is in shambles, and people are forced to abandon their homes. 2012? It should have been called '2009.' (Jay Leno)


      Mel Brooks was honored at the Kennedy Center in Washington D. C. Sunday. He wrote hilarious musicals with singing and dancing Hitlers and Frankensteins. Mel Brooks could be the only American who knows where bin Laden is because they're in rehearsals. (Argus Hamilton)

      Adam Lambert will perform on "The View" later this week. It is going to be good for ratings; that show needs someone a little bit feminine besides Elisabeth Hasselbeck. (Pedro Bartes)

      Sarah Jessica Parker says she sometimes felt guilty about working after her children were born. And anyone who saw her in "Failure to Launch" can certainly understand why. (Todd Long)


      Rush Limbaugh says black people are depressed because President Obama isn't doing a very good job. That proving, once again, that no one has their finger on the pulse of the African-American community like Rush Limbaugh. (Craig Ferguson)


      The White House gate-crashers' lawyer announced that they plan to take the fifth. Great, so at the next party they weasel their way into, they'll also be stealing the liquor. (Neil Berliner)

      The Salahis — now these are the people that crashed the state dinner at the White House for the prime minister of India. It looks like they're going to be subpoenaed now by the House homeland security committee, and I'm thinking why bother? They'd probably show up anyway. (David Letterman)

      The Virginia couple who slipped through White House security and shook hands with President Obama is refusing to refusing to testify or talk to the media. On the bright side, now no one will find out where Mrs. Salahi bought that ridiculous wannabe sari. (Jake Novak)

      Chelsea Clinton is getting married. Gosh, it seems like only yesterday she was in the White House playing hopscotch with her father's girlfriends. (Bill Williams)

      The man who dresses as the New England Patriots mascot was busted in a prostitution sting. Apparently he was easy to pick from the line up because of the description of being eight feet tall wearing a football uniform and a tricorn. (Jim Barach)

      Last week, the man who wrote the song, the "Hokey Pokey," passed away at the age of 104. He hadn't been doing well for quite a while. He'd have one foot in the grave... then he'd take it out... and shake it all about... (Tim Hunter)

      The Duggar family of Arkansas have had their 19th baby, a girl who was premature and delivered by emergency C-section. Why did they need a C-section? After 18 children you would think the 19th would shoot right out like coming down a slide. (Jim Barach)


      A letter written by Thomas Jefferson in 1808 has been discovered at the University of Delaware. It's a personal letter thanking John McCain for his support in the election of 1804. (Jay Leno)


      A 15-year-old cheddar cheese, believed to be the oldest available to the public, is selling at a Wisconsin market for $50 a pound. In Green Bay terms, that's $1,000 per football hat. (Paul Seaburn)


      And as you know, Santa Claus is working very hard with his elves to make sure every child gets at least one toy this Christmas, or as Glenn Beck calls that, "socialism." (Jay Leno)

      According to a recent poll, 22 percent of Americans now say, "Happy Holidays." The other 78 percent say, "Feliz Navidad. (Jay Leno)


      Forbes magazine just released a list of the ten friendliest countries for expatriates. Topping the list is Bahrain, then Canada and Australia. The U. S. came in at Number 10. For you football fans, "expatriates" are not retired NFL players from New England. (Jerry Perisho)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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