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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-06-08 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE Part 2: THE REST OF THE NEWS TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Lindsay Lohan wrote Tuesday that people are focusing
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 6, 2008
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-06-08
      Part 2: THE REST OF THE NEWS


      Lindsay Lohan wrote Tuesday that people are focusing too much on Sarah
      Palin's family and not enough on her views. Paris Hilton recently
      detailed the best energy plan by far. Who'd have ever thought our
      nation's best think tank is Beverly Hills AA. (Argus Hamilton)

      No one can question the success of the Bush Administration trickle
      down program. Granting huge tax breaks to the very rich and the most
      powerful corporations has resulted in millions of new jobs. All the
      new jobs are located in China, India and South Korea. (Stan Kegel)

      On John Edwards: You know some presidents who had extramarital
      affairs? Kennedy, Eisenhower, Roosevelt, Jefferson. You want to know a
      president who never had an affair: George W. Bush. That fact alone
      ought to make you want to elect Ron Jeremy.(Bill Moher)

      John Edwards raised his speaking fee to sixty-five thousand dollars on
      Friday. It's a seller's market. Any guy who can get his wife to help
      him cover up an affair and then get a married friend to claim the
      paternity of the love child is worth every penny. (Argus Hamilton)

      Citing the success of the new Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys series, Simon
      and Schuster today announced the publication of the new Horatio Alger,
      Jr. series. The initial book to be released November 5th is "From PTA
      President to Vice President of the United States in Four Years: An
      American Success Story" (Stan Kegel)

      According to current estimates American men spend an average of $13.7
      million a day in prostitutes. The average is expected to increase
      dramatically as soon as they include the Democratic and Republican
      Conventions. (Pedro Bartes)

      A big, fat "DUH!" goes to the Global Crossing company for advertising
      their "fast, secure, seamless global network," in New Media Age
      magazine, by claiming that it "transmits data at speeds that
      practically break the sound barrier." This would mean that a data
      packet going from London to New York would take about 4 1/2 hours to
      be delivered. We are not impressed. (New Scientist Magazine)


      There seems to be more coverage of Hurricane Gustav than the
      convention. Both very different, of course. One's a stormy blast of
      wind that throws mud everywhere... the other's Hurricane Gustav.
      (Craig Ferguson)

      New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin is urging evacuated residents not to
      return to their homes yet, because the situation is still dangerous.
      It won't truly be safe until all the feuding MSNBC anchors finally
      leave town. (Jake Novak)

      New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin said that residents should not return to
      the city until it is repaired from the effects of Hurricane Gustav.
      It'll take a while; first we need to repair the city from the effects
      of Katrina. (Pedro Bartes)

      The National Hurricane Center says a new disturbance, Hurricane Hanna
      is moving towards landfall. I don't think President Bush understands
      about Hurricane Hanna. He said, "I hope the people of Montana are
      prepared." (Patrick Gorse)

      Hurricane Gustav was expected to hit hard but it became weak and
      missed its mark, as a result they've renamed it tropical storm New
      York Yankees. (Alex Kaseberg)


      Reverend Jesse Jackson is being treated at a Chicago hospital after
      experiencing severe stomach pain. He wasn't the only one; there were
      tons of Democrats that experienced the same symptoms after hearing
      Sara Palin's speech. (Pedro Bartes)

      The Democratic National Convention gave a boost to Denver merchants.
      Especially the ones selling religious figurines of Barack Obama. (Jim

      Hillary Clinton gave the Democrats' weekly radio address Saturday. She
      didn't seem upset that the Republicans have a woman on the ticket and
      the Democrats excluded her. Every ten years she gets humiliated in
      front of God and everybody and she's adjusted to it. (Argus Hamilton)

      Hillary Clinton was rumored in Denver Thursday to have been promised a
      Supreme Court seat for supporting Barack Obama. It's grim news. If
      true, the highest court in the land is sure to ratify the generally
      accepted belief that oral sex is adultery. (Argus Hamilton)


      Thousands flocked to Minneapolis yesterday to rally for breakaway
      presidential candidate Ron Paul. There were so many people there, the
      tin foil hat concessions sold out in less than 15 minutes. (Jake Novak)


      The first terrorism museum in the U.S. has opened in Denver. It's a
      movie theater that only plays Pauly Shore and Kevin Costner films.
      (Jim Barach)


      Crooked lobbyist Jack Abramoff has been sentenced to 48 months in
      prison. Now is when those bribery skills he's cultivated over the
      years will really kick in! (Jake Novak)

      Today, the Mayor of Detroit agreed to plead guilty to obstruction of
      justice charges. … Yeah, as punishment, he will be required to serve
      out his full term as Mayor of Detroit. (Conan O'Brien)


      Oil prices tumbled to below $111 a barrel Monday. Economist believe
      the price might go up again as soon as speculators find out that the
      drilling going on in Alaska is not on the surface of the state but in
      Sarah Palin's family. (Pedro Bartes)

      Well here's some good news: the price of oil appears to be dropping.
      Energy analysts said $100 barrel of oil is on the horizon. To which
      President Bush said, "That's where we should be drilling for oil: on
      the horizon." (Jay Leno)


      Mexicans will soon have the ability to use their cell phones to pay at
      stores or when taking a taxi. In fact, they will also be able to pay
      the "coyote" sneaking them across the border right form the trunk of
      the car. (Jim Barach)


      Russia's state news agency, RIA Novosti, announced that on Sunday
      Vladimir Putin saved a camera crew from an escaped Tiger. Official
      news is ridiculous. It is like some news channel in the US saying
      we're not in the middle of an economic recession... oh, wait....
      (Pedro Bartes)

      IRAQ & IRAN

      Iraq is planning on building a Ferris Wheel in downtown Baghdad that
      will reach 650 feet high. Who says democracy hasn't been worth the war
      effort? (Jim Barach)

      There's a report the president of Iran may be replaced. It was one
      year ago he said there were no gays in Iran. They gave him a year to
      correct the situation. He failed -- so he's out. (Toms Lake Humor


      A study says those without health insurance will pay $30 Billion out
      of pocket for health care this year while receiving another $56
      Billion in free care. Of course, those were just Wal-Mart employees.
      (Jim Barach)

      A new study proves that childhood measles vaccines do not lead to
      autism in children. But the vaccine does continue to cause mental
      defects in adults opposed to vaccinations. (Jake Novak)

      A study says that nearly one in every eight American Indian deaths are
      alcohol related. That should put to rest any question as to whether
      they have assimilated into mainstream American society. (Jim Barach)


      Heavily favored Tennessee was stunned by UCLA last night in 27-24
      overtime loss. Tennessee's coaches blasted the players, saying if
      they're going to perform this badly they might as well let them go to
      class. (Jake Novak)

      The NFL season begins. The New York Jets offensive line may not be
      able to help Brett Farve. He has less protection than a member of the
      Palin family.

      Division races tighten in the MLB. The slump of the New York Yankees
      can be attributed to pitching. Their staff has fewer strikes than
      Barack Obama at a bowl-a-thon. (Alan Ray)

      Charles Barkley announced Tuesday he will have a routine colonoscopy
      and have the procedure videotaped and televised. Apparently, Fox
      Network was looking for a classy show to launch its new season. (Pedro

      Tiger Woods stars in a new PlayStation golf game released Friday. He
      was very annoyed because it shows him walking across water to find his
      golf ball and holing out his shot from the water. He is sick and tired
      of being confused with Barack Obama. (Argus Hamilton)

      Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson has legally changed his
      name to "Ocho Cinco" to reflect his jersey number 85. Football
      analysts say he should have changed names long ago. Not from "Chad
      Johnson". From "Cincinnati Bengals". (Jim Barach)

      Ticket prices at the new Yankee Stadium opening next year will not be
      cheap. Outfield seats will go for $100 each with seats behind home
      plate costing as much as $2500. But beer will still sell for the
      traditional Yankee price of $30 a cup. The Yankees are sticking to
      their promise that a family of four can still go to a game for under
      $12,000. (Jim Barach)

      Hawaii beat Mexico top take the Little League World Series last week
      in Pennsylvania. After winning the final game 12-3, the Hawaiian team
      celebrated at the mound, while the Mexican players and their 400
      relatives who came to watch just left and haven't been seen since.
      (Jim Barach)

      The answer: Denny's, 7-eleven and the Dodgers' Jonathan Broxton
      The question: What are things that don't close? (Jeff Calzada)


      The New York Post and the New York Daily News were camped out in
      Alaska Monday gathering every bit of gossip about Sarah Palin they can
      find. There's so much to cover. Right now Alex Rodriguez could date an
      underage stripper, bulk up on steroids and assassinate his bookie and
      no one in New York would hear about it for eight years. (Argus Hamilton)

      Republicans are saying that every network, with the exception of Fox
      is being sexist. The Fox Female reporter agreed, then giggled,
      unbuttoned her blouse, crossed her legs a couple of times and went on
      reading the news. (Pedro Bartes)

      CNN host, Wolf Blitzer, called Sarah Palin's speech at the GOP
      convention a "Grand Slam." Close friends claimed he felt otherwise,
      but when he heard Palin advocates the shooting of wolves from planes
      in Alaska, he didn't dare criticize her. (Pedro Bartes)

      Michael Moore has a new book out about the election. The filmmaker,
      author, speaker, advocate certainly has a lot on his plate. And that's
      just at the buffet. (Alan Ray)

      Michael Moore plans to allow free online viewings of his forthcoming
      propaganda film, "Slacker Uprising." If it's as responsible as his
      last film, viewers will get what they paid for. (Scott Witt)


      O.J. Simpson ripped reporters Thursday for revealing he was knocked to
      the ground by his daughter. He said it must be a slow news day. The
      first sign that you may be smoking too much pot is when the first
      black man in history gets nominated for president, a hurricane is
      reported heading for New Orleans, U.S. warships are headed for a Black
      Sea port seized by the Russians, and you think it's a slow news day.
      (Argus Hamilton)

      Michael Jackson turned 50 last week. He's technically a senior
      citizen. He'll be saying, "You kids get onto my lawn." (Craig Ferguson)

      Michael Jackson is celebrating his 50th birthday. He says he just
      wants to provide a normal life for his children. Now that Neverland is
      being foreclosed and he is in danger of squandering his fortune, he
      may finally be able to do it. (Jim Barach)

      Michael Jackson went on a couple of dates with Pamela Anderson.
      Together they have more rubber than Goodyear. (Pedro Bartes)

      High gas prices are forcing P Diddy to park his private jet and fly
      commercial. He says a New York to Los Angeles flight was costing him
      $200,000. It still costs that much to fly commercial, but only if he
      wants a bottle of water and a blanket on the flight. (Jim Barach)

      Rap music mogul Sean Combs said Tuesday that jet fuel is so expensive
      he's had to ground his private jet and fly commercial. More and more
      celebrities are having to fly commercial. Mackenzie Phillips could
      give him some good tips on what not to pack. (Argus Hamilton)

      Actor David Duchovney is undergoing rehabilitation treatment for sex
      addiction. Bill Clinton used to suffer from sex addiction, but he
      found someone who helped him lick it. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Tiger Woods's wife, Elin, is pregnant for a second time. Although not
      playing golf, Tiger has been apparently working on his stroke. (Alex


      Chicago school students skipped the first day of class to protest
      overcrowded classrooms and outdated textbooks. It won't be a problem
      for long. If they hang onto those Social Studies books, the Soviet
      Union will be back and they'll be right again. (Argus Hamilton)


      She said at her church, Governor Palin, said she asked everyone to
      pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God’s will. And
      today, God said, "Hey lady, I don't deal with oil companies. That's
      more Satan's area." (Jay Leno)


      Police in Ocala, Florida, say a father has been charged with lewd and
      lascivious battery after arranging sexual intercourse for his 15-year-
      old son. Apparently the father dropped his son at school to take
      private lessons with the kid's high school teacher. (Pedro Bartes)

      Planned Parenthood set up a booth in the Democratic convention lobby
      Wednesday night to give out free condoms. Trojan condoms also had a
      huge booth in the lobby. Who says Democrats don't know how to protect
      Americans from biological weapons? (Argus Hamilton)


      Sony is going to produce the thinnest LCD TV yet. The screens will
      only be 10 mm thick. The sets were made to accommodate today's network
      lineup of shallow programming. (Jim Barach)

      A company has made a solar powered vibrator. This could result in the
      first time any woman has said; "Please move, you're standing in my
      orgasm." (Alex Kaseberg)

      America's Research Group said Monday that traditional back-to-school
      clothing sales were a bust for retailers last week. The back-to-school
      sales are bound to pick up after the GOP convention. All the girls are
      going to need maternity clothes. (Argus Hamilton)


      This Labor Day looks like any other day, tons of TV ads with mega
      offers that require no payments, no interests, with sales guys wearing
      weird suits, offering me the world for almost no money, and... oh,
      never mind, it is the GOP convention. (Pedro Bartes)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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