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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-06-08 Part 1: THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-06-08 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE Part 1: THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK One of the big themes for convention speakers
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 6, 2008
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-06-08
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
      Part 1: THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      One of the big themes for convention speakers was that we need to
      elect a Republican that will go in and clean up the mess in
      Washington. I think that’s a great lesson for kids -- always clean up
      your own mess. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      To hammer home the message that 47 year old, first-term senator Barack
      Obama is too inexperienced to be president, John McCain picks 44 year
      old first-term Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. (PNN
      News)

      John McCain's vice president choice, Sarah Palin, is an avid hunter.
      Let's see — a vice president who likes guns. Well, what could go wrong
      there? (David Letterman)

      Today President Bush called Gov. Palin and congratulated her. Bush
      told Palin the job of vice president is very important because as vice
      president, you get to tell the president what to do. (Jay Leno)

      Democrats are bashing Sarah Palin's speech because it was penned by
      one of President Bush's speechwriters. Yeah but this time, he didn't
      have to spell it out phonetically. (Jake Novak)

      Barack Obama was criticized by Republicans for the stage he used for
      his acceptance speech. it was modeled after an ancient Greek Temple.
      John McCain said "I knew Plato, and Barack Obama is no Plato." (Jim
      Barach)

      Today, John McCain was endorsed by the Log Cabin Republicans. They're
      the organization of gay Republicans. McCain and the Log Cabin
      Republicans agree on one thing: They both want to distance themselves
      from Bush. (Craig Ferguson)

      According to Fashion Magazines, Cindy McCain's outfit at the GOP
      convention was worth almost $300,000. To be fair, Hillary once had a
      dress that was worth way more than that, actually, after getting
      stained. (Pedro Bartes)

      People need not worry that Sarah Palin's duties as vice president will
      conflict with her family obligations. The law covers such
      circumstances. Immediately after being sworn in, she can return to
      Alaska under the Family and Medical Leave Act. (Scott Witt)

      And how are you going to be the vice president of the United States
      with five kids to take care of? She's got a four-month-old of her own,
      she's about to become a grandmother, and she's partnered with John
      McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Citing the success of the new Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys series, Simon
      and Schuster today announced the publication of the new Horatio Alger,
      Jr. series. The initial book to be released November 5th is "From PTA
      President to Vice President of the United States in Four Years: An
      American Success Story" (Stan Kegel)

      An early survey shows that only 39% of the people feel than John
      McCain's running mate Sarah Palin is qualified to be President. What's
      sad about that is that only 29% feel that way about President Bush.
      (Jim Barach)

      REPUBLICAN CONVENTION

      The Republican Convention kicks off with a big mixer for Republicans
      in Sen. Craig's airport restroom stall. It's easy to spot — it was the
      one with the balloons hanging over it. (David Letterman)

      This year, there are only 36 black delegates at the Republican
      Convention in Minnesota. As a result, there are now 37 black people in
      Minnesota." (Conan O'Brien)

      Obviously, they're keeping the less popular Republicans out of the
      spotlight. President Bush gave a speech last night which couldn't have
      been more than five minutes long. Dick Cheney is in Azerbaijan, which
      I think is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis on the globe,
      and they actually locked Senator Larry Craig in the convention center
      men's room. Either that or he locked himself in, I'm not sure. (Jimmy
      Kimmel)

      To hammer home the message that 47 year old, first-term senator Barack
      Obama is too inexperienced to be president, John McCain picks 44 year
      old first-term Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. (PNN
      News)

      John McCain's VP pick is the governor of Alaska, a unknown hockey mom
      named Sarah Palin that no one ever heard of. The only other job she
      had in politics was the mayor of a small town known as Wasilla,
      Alaska, and now she has the opportunity to be on a ticket opposite of
      Barack Obama, the first black man she's ever seen. ." (Bill Maher)

      Republican Convention underway. There's a theme each night, and the
      theme for tonight's convention is, "Who Is John McCain?" Tomorrow
      night's theme is, "Who Forgot to Check if the Vice President's
      Daughter Is Pregnant?" (Conan O'Brien)

      Bristol Palin's boyfriend, Levi Johnston, was at the Republican
      National Convention last night... disappointing Bill Clinton who was
      hoping to get together with him and compare notes. (Jake Novak)

      The GOP convention continues. Republican spin doctors tout Sarah
      Palin’s credentials on the economy. As president of the Wasilla PTA,
      she ran the scrip program. (Alan Ray)

      In her speech to the Republican Convention, John McCain's vice
      presidential pick Sarah Palin ridiculed Barack Obama's experience as a
      community organizer. To all those Americans out there volunteering in
      your communities, shame on you, slackers! Get a government job!
      (Patrick Gorse)

      Sarah Palin promised parents of special needs children that they will
      have a friend in Washington... which makes sense since there's been a
      special needs child in the White House for the last 7 1/2 years. (Jake
      Novak)

      During her speech at the GOP convention, Laura Bush said that this is
      a time when we take off our Republican hats and put on our American
      hats. Delegates were disconcerted for a minute, until they realized
      that by American hats she meant those made in China. (Pedro Bartes)

      In her speech last night, Sarah Palin mocked Obama…for giving speeches
      in front of adoring crowds and standing in front of a stage backdrop.
      Ironically, Palin did so in front of an adoring crowd standing in
      front of a stage backdrop. (Jay Leno)

      They say Palin’s speech was written by George Bush’s speechwriter,
      which was great for that guy because he finally got a chance to use
      some big words. (Jay Leno)

      No, Palin made some interesting points last night. She said when she
      was Governor of Alaska she got rid of the state’s luxury jet and put
      it on eBay. … Ironically, do you know who bought it? John and Cindy
      McCain. (Jay Leno)

      John McCain wowed the nation with his acceptance speech last night at
      the Republican National Convention... mostly by proving he can still
      stay up that late. (Jake Novak)

      McCain urged Americans to "stand with him" as he fights for reform...
      Democrats say that comment was insensitive to people with
      disabilities. (Jake Novak)

      John McCain addressed the GOP convention Thursday. Like in the
      Olympics, the networks ran the word "live" in the corner of the
      screen, but in this case, it was to reassure Americans that McCain was
      still alive. (Pedro Bartes)

      McCAIN & PALIN

      John McCain has chosen youthful Sarah Palin as his running mate. The
      McCain campaign got the idea after seeing a re-run of "Punky
      Brewster." (Jake Novak)

      Are you kidding me, the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? Yeah, that's who you
      want in the White House during a time of crisis. When she got a phone
      call at 3 in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten in the
      garbage can.

      A lot of gossip centered around Sarah Palin, McCain's controversial
      choice for vice president. Some question whether a mother of five who
      only has been running the state of Alaska for two years should fill
      out a ticket run by a 175-year-old man. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Palin and McCain are a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to
      life. (Jay Leno)

      I think this is pertinent because McCain has been running this
      campaign based on "we're at war, it's a dangerous world out there. The
      democrats don't get that. I John McCain am the only one standing
      between the blood- thirsty Al Qaedas and you. But if I die, this
      stewardess can handle it." (Bill Maher)

      Senator John McCain shook up the presidential race Friday by choosing
      Alaska's Governor Sarah Palin to run with him on the Republican Party
      ticket. If nothing else, the senator stayed true to form. He dumped
      Mitt Romney for a trophy running mate. (Argus Hamilton)

      When they were vetting her for this job, like three seconds ago, she
      said, quote, I'm not making this up, 'What is it exactly that the VP
      does every day?' Let me field that for you, Sarah. They start wars,
      they enrich their friends, they subvert the Constitution, and they
      shoot people in the face. That's what the vice president does." (Bill
      Maher)

      Now obviously Sen. John McCain has made an enormous amount over Barack
      Obama's lack of experience, so it seems curious that the 72 year-old,
      four-to-five time face cancer guy would choose a running mate whose
      resume appears to be more suited for a Northern Exposure reunion show.
      (Jon Stewart)

      But, I mean, how about this, and she, you know, at one times was mayor
      of a very small town, a very small town in Alaska. Anybody here ever
      been to Alaska? Name of the town was Wasilla. Anybody ever been to
      Wasilla, Alaska? Anyway, Wasilla, Alaska – very small town. The town
      is so small, they had no professional hookers – no, no, just
      volunteers. (David Letterman)

      She's not bad looking. She looks like one of those women in the Van
      Halen videos who takes off her glasses, shakes out her hair, and then
      all of a sudden, she's in high heels and a bikini. All of a sudden, I
      am FOR drilling in Alaska. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has many views. She says she's
      opposed to same-sex marriage. Did you know that? Yeah, Palin says
      everyone knows marriage isn't for gay people; it's for pregnant
      teenagers. (Conan O'Brien)

      You know, Sarah Palin, John McCain selected her to be the vice
      presidential running mate on the Republican ticket, and she's also the
      governor of Alaska, and outdoors, like the outdoors, likes assault
      rifles, has a collection of rifles, likes to shoot assault rifles.
      I'll say this for her daughter's boyfriend: the kid's got guts. (David
      Letterman)

      Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she's a life-long member of the
      National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she's in favor of
      shotgun weddings. (Conan O'Brien)

      Not only is she young, they're saying she's the prettiest candidate
      for Vice President since John Edwards. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Alaska Gov. Sarah Pallin is John McCain's choice. Here's what we know
      about her: her name is Sarah Palin. (Jay Leno)

      Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman
      because he didn't want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR
      from Mitt Romney. (Jay Leno)

      if Sarah Palin was thrown out of office the same time as Putin the
      headline would read: "Palin Putin out!" (John Pierce)

      John McCain's running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, has revealed that
      her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. The family said, "We should
      never have introduced her to John Edwards." (Conan O'Brien)

      By the way, here's good news, ladies and gentlemen: the Palin family
      crisis that we were talking about on Sunday and Monday, that has been
      solved now, and, today, the baby is being adopted by Angelina Jolie.
      (David Letterman)

      Palin's 17-year-old daughter is five months pregnant. It was an
      unplanned pregnancy, but the family says the young man will marry her.
      His name is Levi Johnston. They found his MySpace page which was
      pulled down immediately, but before they did we found out he's an "F-
      ing redneck" . .. and another quote from him was, "I don't want
      kids." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Republican leaders are reminding everyone that Sarah Palin and her
      family are from a small town, with small-town values... where there's
      really nothing else to do but get pregnant. (Jake Novak)

      There was some breaking news out of Dayton, Ohio today, where
      Republican presidential candidate John McCain introduced the world to
      his third wife. (Jon Stewart)

      The McCain people believe that Americans will disregard her
      inexperience because they will fall in love with her story. She was a
      runner up in the 1984 Miss Alaska Pageant., which may sound trite, but
      you try walking in high-heeled snow shoes. (Bill Maher)

      Five kids? Does anyone in that party understand the concept of pulling
      out? (Bill Maher)

      John McCain defied conventional wisdom by picking Alaska governor
      Sarah Palin as his running mate. Everyone is getting to know her. As
      soon as the press reported that her favorite food was moose, Rocky and
      Bullwinkle endorsed Barack Obama. (Argus Hamilton)

      Political analysts believe that the fact the Sarah Palin admitted that
      her teen daughter was pregnant after having premarital sex, has paid
      off for the Republicans. Fortunately, they didn't go with the other
      idea someone suggested: to say the daughter was pregnant after seating
      on a stall at the Minneapolis Airport. (Pedro Bartes)

      Coming out on the offensive after a day of controversy, presumptive
      GOP vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin said today that the media
      was to blame for making her daughter Bristol pregnant. (Andy Borowitz)

      Even the Democrats were impressed with Sarah Palin's speech. In fact,
      John Edwards offered to discuss her speech with her over a late dinner
      at a quiet little Italian place he knows. (Alex Kaseberg)

      You had to feel sorry for President Bush at this Republican
      convention; he's like the really drunk and crazy Uncle at the family
      reunion everybody is trying to ignore. "Don't look now, but Uncle W.
      just took his pants off." (Alex Kaseberg)

      It was awkward when journalists wrote about President Bush speaking to
      the convention via satellite, Bush said; "I weren't up in no
      satellite, I was in the White House, boy." (Alex Kaseberg)

      OBAMA & BADIN

      Barack Obama attempted a workman-like speech in Denver to play down
      his Messiah image. It was against type. Bookies posted even odds
      Barack Obama would ride into the stadium on an ass, but at the last
      second Jesse Jackson came down with back spasms. (Argus Hamilton)

      It's being reported that if elected, Barack Obama will make Hillary
      Clinton a Supreme Court judge. Has he thought this through? She may
      demand a recount and declare herself the winner. (Jay Leno)

      Barack Obama is on the campaign trail. Secret service agents have a
      tough time keeping their candidate away from adoring mobs. That press
      pool is hard to control. (Alan Ray)

      THE CAMPAIGNS

      Who knew the Republican Rednecks would control the party? Suddenly,
      the Democrats' dream is to arrange a hunting trip for Sarah Palin and
      Dick Cheney. (Joe Hickman)

      Sarah Palin, McCain's choice for vice president, was Miss Alaska
      runner up in 1984. That gives everybody a clear idea of what her
      foreign policy vision will be: World peace... Political analysts give
      Sarah Palin no chances in a debate against Joe Biden due to her lack
      of experience in foreign affairs. That could be true, but wait until
      we get to the swimsuit portion of the event. (Pedro Bartes)

      Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz) used the announcement of his vice-
      presidential pick, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, to blast the
      experience of his Democratic rival, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill), arguing
      that Sen. Obama has never been the mayor of a 5,000-person town. (Andy
      Borowitz)

      PRESIDENT BUSH

      The Republican National Convention is being held this week in St.
      Paul, Minnesota. When told that the convention is in the Twin Cities,
      President Bush said he wanted to take Barbara and Jenna along so they
      could make friends with lots of other twins. (Jim Barach)

      John McCain chose Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as his running mate. George
      W. Bush was very upset when he heard this. He said, "Alaska? Why
      couldn't you pick somebody from the United States?" (Jay Leno)

      Bush appeared at the Republican Convention live via satellite. Which
      Bush calls live via magic. (Conan O'Brien)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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