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Weakly Humerus News 11-28-09

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-28-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK By a vote of 5-2, the Georgia Supreme Court has ruled that teachers may legally
    Message 1 of 2 , Nov 28, 2009
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-28-09
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      By a vote of 5-2, the Georgia Supreme Court has ruled that teachers may legally have sex with students 16 or older if the sex is consensual. Here's what makes matters worse: Since it's Georgia, a lot of these 16-year-olds are still in the third grade. (Jay Leno)

      Former Miss California Carrie Prejean is dating Rams backup quarterback Kyle Boller. In fact, Prejean dedicated her book to him. For his part Boller says Carrie's giving him a whole new appreciation for watching tape. (Janice Hough)

      Actress Amanda Peet says that Tom Brady's wife Gisele Bundchen has the body most women want. It's also the body most men want. (RJ Currie)

      During his performance on the American Music Awards Sunday night, Adam Lambert made out with a one of his male dancers, simulated getting oral sex with another dancer, and flipped off the crowd. For a minute there, he thought he was the owner of the Buffalo Bills. (Jerry Perisho)

      Oprah said she used prayer to help her decide to end her show. She said she stopped praying when she realized she has more money than the guy she's praying to. (Conan O'Brien)

      Over $142 million gross for "The New Moon" this weekend. 80 percent of the audience was women. There were even rumors that of the 20 percent men, about a dozen were actually straight. (Janice Hough)

      A poll says a majority of Republicans believe ACORN stole the presidential election for Barack Obama. Of course the last group of nuts accused of stealing a presidential election was the Supreme Court. (Jim Barach)

      A lot of people are saying that it's too soon for Sarah Palin to write a memoir. They say she should wait until she had at least 10 more years of inexperience. (David Letterman)

      Today's NFL game between the home 1-8 Lions and the 1-8 Browns is blacked out for people in the Detroit area. For the rest of us, no such luck. (RJ Currie)

      A study says unhappy people watch 30% more TV than happy people. What do you say to someone who always sees a dark cloud? "Why did you leave CNN, Mr. Dobbs." (Alan Ray)

      THANKSGIVING

      On Friday, President Obama pardons the White House turkey. Dick Cheney didn't miss an opportunity. This proves that Obama is soft on poultry. (David Letterman)

      They're having a big Thanksgiving dinner at Sarah Palin's house, and people say, "Is she a good cook?" I said, well, sure, she cooked John McCain's goose. (David Letterman)

      This being Thanksgiving week, Barack Obama had the traditional presidential task of pardoning a turkey. But first it had to stand trial in New York City. (Wendel Potter)

      President Obama is getting ready to pardon the White House turkey, the Treasury Secretary, Tim Geithner. I don't want to say Geithner is not doing a good job. But, today, God asked for his name to be taken off the bill. (Jay Leno)

      This is President Obama's first Thanksgiving in Washington, which means he has to officially pardon a turkey. Though many Democrats think believe Obama's already done enough for Joe Lieberman. (Janice Hough)

      President Obama is scheduled to pardon a turkey this week, and today Bernie Madoff was overheard saying "gobble gobble, gobble gobble." (Pedro Bartes)

      Hey! This Thursday is the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on NBC. That's when Americans can sit in front of their TV's watching balloons floating by for two hours without feeling foolish afterwards. Of course, on Fox News they'll have alternative programming. The Sarah Palin Moosie's Thanksgiving Day Parade. (Frank King)

      Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today issued the following "thankfulnesses list: I have thankfulness that little Falcon was found safe and sound in that box, being that I was worried sick about him flying around in that balloon. I have thankfulness also for the new drapes I installed in my house to keep the Russians from peeping in. I have thankfulness for all of the good people who read my book, and for the person who wrote it also. (Andy Borowitz)

      According to a new poll, more Americans would like to have Thanksgiving dinner with Hillary Clinton than with Sarah Palin. Mainly, because no one wants to eat elk pie. (Conan O'Brien)

      A new survey by Triple A says that airline travel for Thanksgiving week in 2009 will be down 62 percent from what is was in 2000. Asked to comment on the cause of the decline, a spokesman for the airline industry said, "I'd love to tell you, but there's a $150.00 fee for answering that question, and an additional $25.00 fee for each follow-up question." (Frank King)

      Thanksgiving Day travel was predicted to be heavy by the Auto Club as American families gather this week. It's a tradition four centuries old. The first turkeys weren't wild, they just went crazy when they found out what we planned to do with them. (Argus Hamilton)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA & THE ADMINISTRATION

      In the new Gallup Poll, Pres. Obama's approval rating is at 49%; the first time it has dipped under 50%. Now, if Obama had just bitten Chinese President Hu Jintao's neck, well, ratings would be through the roof. (Jerry Perisho)

      The White House might soon reveal that the President may delay the announcement he is not even close to making a decision on Afghanistan. Maybe. (Will Durst)

      President Obama will answer questions about the economy at a news conference today with Indian Prime Minister Singh. Singh won't be answering any questions himself, he's just there as tech support for Obama's teleprompter. (Jake Novak)

      Tonight at the White House, President Obama is hosting a State Dinner for the prime minister of India, and to make the prime minister feel welcome, the menu will include curry, chutney, and other Indian foods. And to make everyone else feel welcome, the dessert will be Tums, Mylanta, and Imodium AD. (Conan O'Brien)

      The state dinner at the White House honored the prime minister of India, and the menu was vegetarian. How do you like that for Thanksgiving? No turkey, wrong Indians. (Wendel Potter)

      Hollywood stars and moguls made up most of the A-list guests at the vegetarian White House state dinner last night. To make sure he got at least some meat at the event, David Geffen brought Adam Lambert. (Jake Novak)

      Some Republicans are angry that Sen. John McCain wasn't invited to the state dinner. In response, the White House said, "Of course we didn't invite John McCain — the dinner was at 8 o'clock at night." (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama just had his first official state dinner in honor of India's Prime Minister Singh. See, pretty smart of the Obamas. Not only do they get to have a state dinner for an ally, all night long they get free tech support. (Jay Leno)

      Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro, reportedly a huge fan of president Obama. He thinks President Obama's doing a great job. Well, Obama hasn't had P. R. that good since the Reverend Wright was campaigning for him. (Jay Leno)

      THE CONGRESS

      Over the weekend, the Senate voted to allow debate on the health care bill. Can you believe that? It's like fighting over whether or not to fight. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Senate Democrats added a tax on cosmetic surgery in the health care bill. It's timed perfectly to nail aging Baby Boomers. If they had taxed pot in the Sixties, coke in the Seventies and rehabs in the Eighties, this country would be solvent today. (Argus Hamilton)

      Senate Democrats proposed a tax on all plastic surgery procedures Friday. It's the nation's hobby. Last week a woman in Beverly Hills ordered her plastic surgeon to make her just like Jessica Simpson, so he gave her breast implants and a lobotomy. (Argus Hamilton)

      Senator Harry Reid scrambled Monday to buy votes in the Senate for the health care bill. He's offering bridges, dams and highway funds. When he offered Heidi Fleiss the job of Majority Whip she thought it was going to be something else entirely. (Argus Hamilton)

      Congressman Patrick Kennedy was banned from receiving Holy Communion by the Roman Catholic bishop of Rhode Island over his pro-choice votes. He doesn't miss it. The bars haven't been closed on Sundays in Massachusetts in thirty-six years. (Argus Hamilton)

      Saw a story on TV last night about the Louisiana Purchase. Remember how Congress bought Louisiana? Not the whole state, just Senator Mary Landrieu. Well actually, to her credit, because she changed her vote, her state is going to get $300 million. But you know what the government's going to do. They'll just have FEMA deliver it, so it will never get there. (Jay Leno)

      THE COURTS, CIVIL RIGHTS & THE CONSTITUTION

      The New York State Supreme Court ruled that the New Jersey Nets can use eminent domain to clear homeowners and businesses in the way of building their new arena in Brooklyn. Who said the 0-15 Nets couldn't win one this season? (Dwight Perry)

      The Georgia Supreme Court has ruled that a riding-lawnmower is not considered a motor vehicle. The ruling was reported in the Journal of Questions That Are Only Raised in Georgia. (Conan O'Brien)

      THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS

      Governor Schwarzenegger has been photographed with his Porsche parked illegally. Maybe this means Arnold's next job should be with the 49ers. At least he knows how to get into the red zone. (Janice Hough)

      Arnold Schwarzenegger was photographed parking his Porsche in an emergency vehicle zone. He later said there was nothing illegal about it because he is the governor of California which is in a state of emergency.. Fortunately Maria Shriver called later from his cell-phone while driving her kids to school to apologize on behalf of her husband. (Pedro Bartes)

      California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not run for another office once his term as governor is over. And the amazing thing — do you know what he's going to be doing after this? He'll be a speech therapist. (Jay Leno)

      California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman hopes to follow the sales success of "Going Rogue" with her own forthcoming autobiography, "The Power of Many." Whitman says her book will differ from Palin's in a few substantive ways – nouns, verbs, sentences… (Janice Hough)

      On South Carolina's Black Friday tax holiday on firearms purchases: "No taxes on guns — because one thing you want right after people have been drinking and arguing with their families is gun purchases made easier." (Jimmy Fallon)

      The city with the lowest smoking rate in the U. S. is in Utah. It is understandable. It must be hard to smoke when you have your 20 wives asking you to put out your cigarette. (Pedro Bartes)

      U.S. POLITICIANS

      The George W. Bush library design was unveiled this week by former first lady Laura Bush. Did you know that she was a librarian when she first met George? In fact, she's the only thing he ever checked out of a library. (Jay Leno)

      If you want to get your friends a great gift, get them the new Sarah Palin book. I got it. This is interesting: It came with a sticker on it that read, "After reading, do not operate heavy machinery." (David Letterman)

      The ratings just came in for Sarah Palin's appearance on "The Oprah Winfrey Show." It earned Oprah her highest ratings since the episode where she reunited the Osmond family. Yeah, viewers who saw both episodes say Palin's more likable but that Donny and Marie are more qualified to be president. (Conan O'Brien)

      Barnes & Noble is running a great promotion on the Sarah Palin book. You buy the Sarah Palin book, they will throw in a free Mayan calendar. (David Letterman)

      Former vice presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, is promoting her book, "Going Rogue." Don't confuse this with the current vice president, Joe Biden's book: "Going Rogaine." (Alex Kaseberg)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      A research firm says nearly eleven million homes are "under water", where the buyer owes more than what the house is worth. Some people are so far under water they are seeing if they are covered by their flood insurance. (Jim Barach)

      A new report shows that investors are remaining cautious despite the recent run-up in stocks. Experts say Americans are scared by job losses, bank failures and everything they saw on the American Music Awards. (Jake Novak)

      The majority of states added jobs in October, although most of them were temporary. Of course, in this economy every job is pretty much considered temporary. (Jim Barach)

      The Democrats are proposing a "War Tax" to pay for the extra troop deployment in Afghanistan. War tax? Eek! I'm burning my W2 and catching the next VW bus to Canada. (Bill Williams)

      The Congressional Budget Office estimates the interest payments alone on the national debt will total $4.8 Trillion over the next ten years. Apparently Congress is financing the country with a subprime loan. (Jim Barach)

      Support is growing for JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon to take over as Secretary of the Treasury. The only trouble is that if Dimon goes to the government, there will be no one left in America earning any money. (Jake Novak)

      Salvation Army kettles are now equipped to take donations by plastic. So people can now use their credit cards to help other people who got into financial trouble with their credit cards. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Costco is cutting out all Coca-Cola products from its stores due to a price dispute. They are replacing the shelf space with dental products now that their customers will actually have some teeth left to protect. (Jim Barach)

      The U. S. Postal Service announced it lost four billion dollars last year despite laying off thousands. It can't be helped. Until it's legal to send pornography through the mail, the Postal Service will never be able to compete with the Internet. (Argus Hamilton)

      The White House and the Senate Democrats are working on a new jobs bill. The White House said this new jobs bill could create twice as many nonexistent fake jobs as the last one. (Jay Leno)

      Quite a few McDonald's in the U. S. will undergo a European style makeover. The counter help already has a French look. Most don't understand English. (Alan Ray)

      Continental Airlines has been fined $100,000 by the FAA for stranding passengers on the tarmac for several hours. However, Continental made more than twice that amount with the amount they charged for beverages during the wait. (Jim Barach)

      Retailers are beefing up security for this week's Black Friday sales... but this time they'll need to protect themselves not from a crush of shoppers, but a stampede of people applying for a job. (Jake Novak)

      Everybody is running sales for Black Friday. Except strip clubs, which are already offering clothes at 100 percent off. (Paul Seaburn)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      Customs officers seized a shipment of 316,000 bongs disguised as Christmas ornaments at Los Angeles harbor. In related news, shares of Krispy Kreme stock just dropped 10 percent. (Janice Hough)

      Los Angeles County Prosecutor Steve Cooley says anyone selling medicinal marijuana will get busted. Apparently that means people will have to go back to selling pot the old fashioned way. On street corners near schools. (Jim Barach)

      IMMIGRATION, SECURITY & TERRORISM

      That evil guy, the evil masterminding terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, he is going on trial here in New York City. I will tell you something, this guy is nothing but evil. One time he called CNN and told them that his son was floating away in a balloon. (David Letterman)

      THE MILITARY

      The latest Army statistics show a stunning 75% of military-age youth are ineligible to join the military because they're overweight, can't pass entrance exams, have dropped out of high school or had run-ins with the law. Luckily, all of those people are very qualified for jobs in Congress. (Jake Novak)

      NASA & SPACE

      Congratulations to NASA astronaut Randy Bresnik whose wife, Rebecca, gave birth to a baby girl while he was on a six-hour spacewalk Saturday. Whew! Finally a NASA diaper story they can be proud of! (Frank King)

      Space Shuttle Atlantis astronauts were surprised by a Thanksgiving Day turkey dinner. They said the food was "tangy". Mostly because they can't get the taste of Tang out of their mouths. (Jim Barach)

      EUROPE

      A Swiss court has just granted Roman Polanski's bail request. But just to be safe, the justice ministry says Polanski's release won't happen until the end of the current Hannah Montana concert tour. (Jake Novak)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      Iraq's government offered young Sunnis and young Shiites two thousand dollars to marry each other. The idea is to reduce hostilities by having people from rival sects get married. If they can just stop fighting about religious differences and start fighting about sex and money they will be on their way to being a free society. (Argus Hamilton)

      ASIA

      A South Korean court has struck down a law that punished men for falsely promising marriage in exchange for sex with women. Or as we call it in America, "Saturday night". (Jim Barach)

      President Obama was in China last week. Today, the Chinese government sent him a beautiful gift. Did you see this on the news tonight? It was a 10 percent off coupon at Wal-Mart. (Jay Leno)

      This week, Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai was sworn in wearing Afghanistan's traditional clothing, the Kevlar pants, helmet and bulletproof vest. (Jay Leno)

      AFRICA

      An expert commission of African leaders today announced their plan for comprehensive reform of music band U2. Saying that U2's rock had lost touch with its African roots, the commission called for urgent measures to halt U2's slide towards impending crisis. (Aid Watch)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      A women's sex aide drug is awaiting approval from the FDA, Flibanserin. The way it works is it makes women think all men look like George Clooney. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Department of Health issued a report saying women shouldn't get mammograms until they are fifty. It's arguable. It sounds heartless but we've seen how breast exams of younger women can cause false positives, unnecessary anxiety, and impeachment. (Argus Hamilton)

      There's a lot of controversy over this section of this new health care bill that says if you don't buy health insurance, you can go to jail for five years. They say it'll prevent freeloaders of the system. Yeah, but — well, if they do go to jail, won't they get free health care for five years? (Jay Leno)

      The White House said Friday a swine flu strain has turned up that is resistant to Tamiflu. No one likes the medicine. Young adults in Los Angeles wouldn't take Tamiflu if you mixed it with vodka and grenadine and called it Sex in the Oxygen Tent. (Argus Hamilton)

      A study says that gasoline fumes make lab rats more aggressive. That makes sense. It was the smell of petroleum that got us to invade Iraq. (Jim Barach)

      Los Angeles cops vowed Friday to shut down rogue medical marijuana shops. They are supposed to be collectives but many are making a profit. Medical marijuana is legal under an Obama administration order but making a profit's a shooting offense. (Argus Hamilton)

      The next step in the government's drive to make health care more efficient will be to recommend far fewer blood pressure tests. Studies found that when people learn their blood pressure, it just raises their blood pressure. (Scott Witt)

      A study says that comfort foods relieve stress. Although they do nothing to relieve the stress on buttons, hooks and zippers. (Jim Barach)

      THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      California has taken a major step toward limiting greenhouse gas emissions by actively looking to bankrupt the last three business that still makes anything in that state. (Jake Novak)

      SPORTS

      New New Yorks Knicks slogan – We suck less than the Nets. (Janice Hough)

      The Oakland Raiders face the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day. Expect an extremely physical battle. And after Tom Cable's coaches meeting, it's on to the field. (Alan Ray)

      Hear about the governors' bet for today's battle between the 1-8 Browns and the 1-8 Lions? Forget winning — the loser has to take both teams. (Dwight Perry)

      Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn is dating Olympic gymnast Alicia Sacramone. Typical of Quinn, he had to make three passes before she gave him a tumble. (RJ Currie)

      Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal faces prerequisite training before he can become a special police deputy in Ohio:. He'd better hope any shooting test isn't from the free-throw line. (Elliott Harris)

      Some of Usain Bolt's countrymen have suggested that mannish water, a spicy soup made with goat testicles, is what makes Jamaican athletes run so fast. It's also what makes Jamaican goats run so fast. (RJ Currie)

      Over in the Ivy League, Yale was leading 10-7 over Harvard with about two and a half minutes left. The Bulldogs had a 4th and 22 at their own 26 yard line. With a punter who had been averaging 51 yards and the Crimson out of timeouts. And Yale tried a fake punt. Which came up short. Harvard drove 40 yards for a game winning touchdown. Even Bill Belichick said "What were they THINKING?" (Janice Hough)

      Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen is sporting a black eye after getting punched outside a South Bend bar, but the good news is he's skyrocketed to No. 1 on the Oakland Raiders' draft board. (Dwight Perry)

      Remember when Allen Iverson wrote on his Twitter site: "God chose Memphis?" Didn't quite work out. "Even I make mistakes," tweeted God. (Greg Cote)

      After taking a bobsled ride with U. S. Olympic driver Steven Holcomb in Lake Placid, N.Y. : "It felt like I was being hit in the head with ice hammers. It was like losing the worst snowball fight of your life." (Stephen Colbert)

      Last week the league fined a number of players from between $5,000 to 10,000 for unnecessary roughness. Including some plays that resulted in injuries. After fining Chad Ochicinco $20,000 for a fake $1 bribe to an official. And of course Titans' Bud Adam's $250,000 fine for giving the finger to Bills fans. Can't imagine how anyone thinks the league doesn't take the health of their players seriously. (Janice Hough)

      Buying out the remaining six years of Coach Charlie Weis' 10-year deal would cost the university upward of $29 million with no guarantee his successor would do any better. That's a tough call to make in the middle of a recession. (Tom Van Riper)

      Veteran NFL tackle Jon Runyan, just signed by the San Diego Chargers, says he'll retire at season's end to launch a campaign for the congressional seat in New Jersey's 3rd District. In other words, he's taking a pass on football to work on his running game. (Dwight Perry)

      Krystal Gray was ejected from a Lingerie Football League (LFL) game last week for instigating a fight. When you attend a lingerie football game, a brawl is about the last thing you expect to break out. (Cam Hutchinson)

      Michigan's football program failed to file mandatory practice logs during its disastrous 3-9 season a year ago, an internal audit embarrassingly revealed, but Plan B ought to rebuff any allegations the team practiced too much. (Dwight Perry)

      New York Jets coach Rex Ryan has installed a code system with Mark Sanchez in an attempt to cut down the rookie quarterback's mistakes and provide him with a clearer idea of the tasks at hand. Since Sanchez is a former USC player I can only assume that the code is 1 for a handoff, 2 for a pass. (Janice Hough)

      The Saskatchewan Roughriders meet the Montreal Alouettes this Sunday for the CFL championship. Riders quarterback Darian Durant is nicknamed Double D. It seems appropriate that he's been in two Cups. (RJ Currie)

      As if seeing Sammy Sosa's pale face from those ill-fated skin treatments wasn't bad enough, now comes word he's suffering from a bad case of bleacher bum. (Dwight Perry)

      Snowboarder Hannah Teter is the first athlete to have a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor named after her. The flavor “Maple Blonde” features ice cream with blonde brownie pieces and maple caramel swirl. Hannah Tater fits the profile perfectly. She’s blonde and symbolizes Maple syrup through her Hannah’s gold charity and her Vermont origins. (Cristina Kumka)

      After Hugh Hefner's mag named Michigan State's Kalin Lucas to its All-America team but left Tom Izzo off its best-dressed coach list: "Playboy might know hoops, but what does it know about clothes?" (Steve Schrader)

      Coach Lane Kiffin suspended one player and dismissed two others from the Tennessee Volunteers football team for their part in a failed robbery and attempted getaway in a Toyota Prius. He reportedly said they made poor decisions. What, the attempted robbery? Or trying to outrun the cops in a hybrid? (RJ Currie)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      The movie "New Moon" premiered last night. It is the movie about a bunch of vampires from a town called Forks. What I don't get is how it is that these Vampires all look good, shaved and combed… If you're a real vampire, shouldn't you look like a mess, scruffy, with razor cuts? Because a true vampire can't see their reflection in the mirror… (Pedro Bartes)

      Give the "Twilight" phenonomen some credit. The movies are making many parents think back nostalgically to the days of "Barney the Dinosaur." (Janice Hough)

      The Twilight Saga: New Moon did a huge movie box-office of one hundred and forty million dollars last weekend. Young people have always flocked to movies about vampires. Everybody loves a bloodsucker until they get their first property tax bill. (Argus Hamilton)

      Roman Polanski said he can't wait to see the movie "New Moon", especially when he heard it was about a 100-year-old vampire trying to seduce a high-school girl. (Pedro Bartes)

      It was great seeing Michael Jackson winning four AMA awards, giving the Jackson family that much more to fight over. (Tim Hunter)

      "Fantastic Mr. Fox" is out in theaters this weekend. A no count nuisance must end his wily ways and become a responsible father. Or, Kate Gosselin will get sole custody of the children. (Alan Ray)

      Cirque de Soleil has followed up "The Beatles" with "Elvis." How many more casinos does Vegas need before Hall & Oates get their show? (Will Durst)

      MEDIA & THE INTERNET

      Oprah's announced that she's quitting her show in 2011. Now you know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012. Once Oprah leaves her show, the most powerful woman on TV will be Ryan Seacrest. (Craig Ferguson)

      Oprah's announced that she's quitting her show in 2011. Now you know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012. (Craig Ferguson)

      Former CNN anchor Lou Dobbs is considering running for the senate in 2012 against New Jersey incumbent Robert Menendez... or having him deported, whichever's easier. (Jake Novak)

      CNN has paid Lou Dobbs a reported $8 Million to leave the network. Which works out to approximately $ 1 Million for each CNN viewer. (Jim Barach)

      AOL has announced that they're going to lay off one-third of their employees. Yeah. On the bright side, it's AOL, so they're going to do it slowly and with frequent interruptions. (Conan O'Brien)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Farrah Fawcett left Ryan O'Neal none of her five million dollars when her will was read Monday. She left it to the guy who quarterbacked the Texas Longhorns when she went to college there. In Texas that is the equivalent of leaving it to the church. (Argus Hamilton)

      After his racy performance at the American Music Awards, Adam Lambert's appearance on Good Morning America was cancelled. Apparently ABC felt it would be inappropriate for a potential family audience. Instead, they spent the time discussing Carrie Prejean's sex tapes and Mark Sanford's ethics violations. (Janice Hough)

      Levi Johnston does not do frontal nudity in his upcoming "Playgirl" pictorial. But if you want to have a description, you can ask anybody in Alaska. (Pedro Bartes)

      Kate Gosselin rejected a bouquet of red roses that Jon Gosselin brought as a peace offering to their divorce meeting on Saturday. Jon's proctologist says he'll remove the stitches from those thorn punctures in about a week. (Jerry Perisho)

      EDUCATION

      A study says that college students who live in co-ed housing are more likely to binge drink and have sex. Or as the students call it, getting in shape for spring break. (Jim Barach)

      Law schools across the country are reporting that the hiring rate for new lawyers has been significantly reduced. Apparently it doesn't do any good to sue someone when they don't have a house, a car or any money. (Jim Barach)

      RELIGION

      A report from the Catholic Church says that homosexual priests are no more likely to molest children than heterosexual priests. Well, it's certainly good to know that the Catholic Church doesn't discriminate when it comes to pedophiles. (Jim Barach)

      Rhode Island's top Roman Catholic leader has asked Rep. Patrick Kennedy to stop taking Communion... not because of Kennedy's support for abortion rights, but because he keeps hogging all the wine. (Jake Novak)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      A new study by the National Bureau of Economic Research has found that when an NFL game ends in an upset, there's an 8% increase in domestic violence in the home state of the losing team. So for the women in Detroit, and Cleveland, just move out of the house every Sunday and you'll be safe. (Pedro Bartes)

      A 39-year-old man paid young teens to defecate on him. It must have cost him a fortune, because we know that teens don't give a crap about anything. (Pedro Bartes)

      ACORN offices in Los Angeles were videotaped counseling an undercover journalist how to set up a prostitution ring with underage girls. The pressure's really on. Roman Polanski could be extradited any day now and Los Angeles has to prepare his welcome home party. (Argus Hamilton)

      A study says one third of all teenagers say they have texted while driving. The other two thirds were too busy with their iPods, putting on makeup or calling friends on their cell phones. (Jim Barach)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
    • Stan Kegel
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-05-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE Open letter to Derek Jeter: With Kobe Bryant and Tiger Woods gone as athlete role models for our
      Message 2 of 2 , Dec 5, 2009
      • 0 Attachment
        WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-05-09
        AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

        Open letter to Derek Jeter: With Kobe Bryant and Tiger Woods gone as athlete role models for our children, you are all we have left. Please don’t fail us. (Stan Kegel)

        TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

        The Washington Post suggested today that this party-crashing couple may have a long history of deceiving people. Well, no wonder they fit in at the White House. (Jay Leno)

        Some people are upset about President Obama's prime time speech tonight because it bumped ABC's airing of "A Charlie Brown Christmas," or as Fox News reported it, "Obama ruins Christmas for a depressed bald kid." (Conan O'Brien)

        Bobby Bowden leaving Florida State: the end of an era. Charlie Weis leaving Notre Dame: the end of an error. (Janice Hough)

        A newly-discovered film from the late 50's shows Marilyn Monroe smoking marijuana. It was titled 'Some Like It Pot' (Bill Littlejohn)

        During his speech from West Point on the war in Afghanistan, President Obama said that America is "in Afghanistan to prevent a cancer from once again spreading through that country." To which the CEO's of the major health insurance companies said, "Did you a say a 'cancer from ONCE AGAIN spreading'? That's a pre-existing condition. We're not covering that!" (Frank King)

        An anonymous buyer plunked down a record $10.8 million for a rare, 5-carat pink diamond at an auction in Hong Kong on Tuesday, Reuters reported. Insiders vehemently deny it was Kobe Bryant. No word from Tiger Woods. (Dwight Perry)

        Sarah Palin, in her new book "Going Rogue," incorrectly credited a quote, "Our land is everything to us. Our grandfathers paid for it with their lives" to legendary UCLA coach, John Wooden, instead of Cheyenne activist, John Wooden Legs. I can't wait to get to the part where George Washington Carver crosses the Delaware." (Bill Littlejohn)

        The good news, Obama said he expects to start bringing our troops home in two years. The bad news, Bush said the same thing seven years ago. (Jay Leno)

        Rough Monday Night Football for Patriots fans. Who knew that the most damaging storm to hit New England this fall would be a cool Brees? (Janice Hough)

        Sarah Palin quit a 5K race before reaching the finish line in Washington State. She used to quit after being elected. Now she quits while still running. (Jim Barach)

        THE PARTY CRASHERS

        Oh, how is this for nerve? That White House party-crashing couple refused an invitation to testify before Congress today. Unbelievable. The one thing they actually get invited to, they don't show up. (Jay Leno)

        The couple that crashed the White House party is said to be pursuing a reality TV show. I think most Americans agree they should be in one… "Cops" (Pedro Bartes)

        They finally figured out how those State Dinner party crashers got in. Apparently they walked in backwards while saying "good night!" and it completely fooled Yosemite Sam who was in charge of door security. (Jim Barach)

        PRESIDENT OBAMA

        Well, let's see. I'm trying to sum up President Obama's first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something? He may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever. (Jay Leno)

        Pres. Obama's announced Tuesday night that he is sending 30,000 more combat troops to Afghanistan. Among Democrats, his decision was received with the same level of satisfaction, appreciation and enthusiasm as the dead mouse you found in the Thanksgiving mashed potatoes. (Jerry Perisho)

        On Sunday's "Chris Matthews Show," Chris said that at a black tie dinner, President Barack Obama flashed the split-fingered salute of the planet Vulcan from "Star Trek." And the shocking part of this story, Obama's chief of staff Rahm Emanuel's first name is short for "Rahm-Ulan" Emanuel. (Alan Ray)

        President Obama hosted a "jobs summit" at the White House today. It is quite promising; anyone that gets in gets a job in a reality TV show. (Pedro Bartes)

        THE CONGRESS

        The health care debate is beginning in the U. S. Senate. Ironically, everyone against health care, has it. Sorry, I guess truth isn't always funny. (Joe Hickman)

        Congress is looking to amend a bill that would allow Amtrak passengers to carry a gun; that way, when you are horribly hurt in a train crash, you can put yourself out of your misery. (Alex Kaseberg)

        THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS

        A California man is trying to put a measure on the state ballot to outlaw divorce. Who needs divorce? O.J. and Robert Blake showed that murder is quicker and pretty much legal. (Jim Barach)

        Good news for embattled Governor Mark Sanford – South Carolina legislators voted to throw out most of the civil charges filed by the state Ethics Commission. Bad news – Sanford's wife has decided to take up golf. (Janice Hough)

        U.S. POLITICS

        Democratic California Congressman Henry Waxman says the government will have to be involved in shaping the future of struggling media organizations. He points out how successful Fox News has become since they started working for the Republican Party. (Jim Barach)

        U.S. POLITICIANS

        New reports on Sarah Palin's "Going Rogue" bus tour. They say she's been traveling on private planes to various stops and then just hops in the bus at the local town. So, let's see what you got. You have Sarah Palin, who's no longer governor, who's promoting a book she didn't actually write by going on a bus tour which is not really a bus. Her big complaint? Politicians who aren't real. (Jay Leno)

        I watched Oprah interview Sarah Palin a couple weeks ago. Spent a whole hour talking to her. And I realized, if John McCain had done that, we never would have heard of Sarah Palin. (Jay Leno)

        Sarah Palin participated in the 5K marathon of Kennewick, Washington. Actually, it was a 10K marathon but she quit in the middle of it. (Pedro Bartes)

        BUSINESS & LABOR

        A woman gave birth on a Southwest Airlines flight scheduled from Chicago to Salt Lake City. The plane had to divert to Denver, but both mother and baby were fine. Good thing she was on Southwest. Most airlines would have charged her for an extra carry-on. (Janice Hough)

        President Obama and the Democratic majority in Congress are now assembling a new jobs package. The area with the most job openings? White House security. (Jay Leno)

        GM and Chrysler say they may reconsider their decision to close thousands of dealerships. Of course, businesses that sell GM and Chrysler products are no longer called dealers. They are now known as "storage units". (Jim Barach)

        Bank of America has agreed to pay back $45 billion on federal bailout money. As a result, B of A is asking all it's ATM customers not to withdraw any more than $20 at a time for the next 16 months (Jake Novak)

        CRIME & PUNISHMENT

        Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama's face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a faraway place. (Craig Ferguson)

        IMMIGRATION, SECURITY & TERRORISM

        A Senate report says that Osama Bin Laden was "within our grasp" in Afghanistan in 2003 but got away. Apparently the only places to escape detection by U. S. security forces are in the mountains of Afghanistan or a White House State Dinner. (Jim Barach)

        THE MILITARY

        The Army Corps of Engineers is building an electrical barrier to block the dangerous Asian carp from entering Lake Michigan. But fish and wildlife officials insist this is not an act of racial profiling. (Jake Novak)

        UNITED NATIONS AND WORLD AGENCIES

        In a move of strong defiance, Iran announced that it will enrich uranium to a much high level in spite of UN guidelines. In response, an indignant United Nations shouted, "You better not or I'm gonna tell my dad!" (Jerry Perisho)

        GREAT BRITAIN

        Women in England are undergoing plastic surgery to make their female reproductive parts more attractive to their men. Apparently the procedure makes their vagina look like a soccer stadium. (Alex Kaseberg)

        EUROPE

        The Warsaw zoo has had two live humans wearing animal skins on display in a cage to spark interest in man’s caveman ancestry. It also teaches the locals how to save a bunch of money on their car insurance. (Doug Austin)

        THE MIDDLE EAST

        The Saddam Channel has begun airing across the Arab world, showing clips of his speeches and footage of his family life over thirty years. He was placed in power by the CIA, toppled by the Bush family and then hanged. If American reality shows were this tough to get on, there would be fewer of them and they would be better. (Argus Hamilton)

        SCIENCE

        An Italian man who lost his left forearm in a car crash was fitted with a robotic arm that he is able to control with his thoughts. The technology is amazing. When he thought about watching "The View", his hand immediately reached for the remote control and turned to ESPN. (Jerry Perisho)

        HEALTH

        The Arizona Board of Cosmetology shut down a salon that used fish to nibble dead skin off customers’ feet. The action could only be described as “callous.” (Jerry Perisho)

        The rumor that Turkey increases tryptophans and makes you tired is a myth. Drowsiness is actually caused by the carbo-heavy sides like potatoes and stuffing. And of course the Detroit Lions game. (Jerry Perisho)

        According to estimates by the Centers for Disease Control two in three store-bought chickens are contaminated with salmonella. So start buying now, you might get lucky and lose a lot of weight to wear that beautiful dress you always wanted to wear for Christmas. (Pedro Bartes)

        SPORTS

        Sports economics: Former Twin Carlos Silva, 1-3 with an 8.60 earned-run average for the Seattle Mariners this year, will be paid $12.75 million next season. Twins catcher Joe Mauer, who was the American League's MVP and won his third batting championship (. 365) this year will be paid $12.5 million next season. (Charley Walters)

        Sports economics: The Pontiac Silverdome, former home of the Detroit Lions, was sold at auction for $583,000. The minimum NFL salary this season for a player with four years' experience is $620,000. (Dan Daly)

        The New Jersey Nets take on the New York Knicks Sunday afternoon. This matchup will even have men scrambling to see matinee performances of New Moon. (RJ Currie)

        Notre Dame has fired another head coach. They're going to have to change their team name soon to "the firing Irish." (Tim Hunter)

        On the Raiders' shocking upset of the Bengals last week: "For the first time in recent memory, Oakland receivers used their hands more than the French soccer team." (Janice Hough)

        White House former press secretary Ari Fleischer was hired by the BCS Monday as spokesman to defend the Bowl Championship Series. It's a good hire. Only the guy who convinced us that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction could make the case for TCU. (Argus Hamilton)

        The Philadelphia 76ers have offered Allen Iverson a 1 year contract. Don't look for him to start any games. Mostly, he'll complain off the bench. (Alan Ray)

        The NFL has new guidelines that say a player who suffers a concussion cannot return to play if they have trouble remembering assignments or have a gap in memory. I am far more concerned about the player who changes his last name to his jersey number in Spanish. (Jerry Perisho)

        The Lions haven't won two games in a row since Games 7 and 8 in 2007, The Lions failed to follow up on their stirring 38-37 victory over the Browns. Then again, this was only their third chance to do it since then. (Steve Schrader)

        On the 0-18 Nets: "Usually when a team starts the season like that it's because it's touring with the Harlem Globetrotters." (Dan Daly)

        If the Nets continue at this pace, they may qualify for federal stimulus money targeted to clear up toxic messes. (Janice Hough)

        ATHLETES

        Drew Brees threw for five touchdowns tonight to five different players. To put that in perspective, the Oakland Raiders have five passing touchdowns to three different players. For the SEASON. (Janice Hough)

        Florida State's 80-year-old football coach Bobby Bowden will retire after the team's bowl game this year. 82-year-old Penn State Coach Joe Paterno asked, "Why would the kid quit so early?" (Jerry Perisho)

        LA Lakers forward Ron Artest says he used to drink alcohol at halftime during games when he played for the Chicago Bulls. On nights that Artest said he got double digits, he was referring to his blood alcohol content. (Jerry Perisho)

        Lakers forward Ron Artest showed up on Jimmy Kimmel Live! in his underwear. Imagine Jimmy's surprise; he expected to see an NBA player, instead he was greeted by a pair of boxers. (RJ Currie)

        Los Angeles Lakers star Ron Artest says he used to drink liquor during NBA games when he was playing with the Chicago Bulls. It is not a big deal, I’m a Nets fan; I have to drink, before, during and after every game to put up with the pain. (Pedro Bartes)

        Allen Iverson has signed to rejoin the team with which he became a huge NBA star, the Philadelphia 76ers. When compared to Brett Favre's retirements, what Iverson lacks in quantity, he makes up for in rapidity. (Jerry Perisho)

        Tennis great Serena Williams was fined $82,500 for her tirade at the US Open in September during which she screamed at a line judge. Serena was waving her tennis racket so violently that some people were afraid she might break a window in Tiger Woods' Escalade. (Jerry Perisho)

        Sad news, Shaquille O’Neal’s wife filed for divorce. Gosh, I hope Shaq is going to be OK, I mean, how in earth is a multi-millionaire with a size 23 EEE shoe going to find another woman? (Alex Kaseberg)

        The Jets gave rookie QB Mark Sanchez, who's thrown 14 interceptions in his past seven starts, a new set of code words to make his job easier. The first code word, we assume, is the color of the jerseys he's supposed to be throwing to. (Dwight Perry)

        Allen Iverson will apparently sign with the 76ers, after he announced his retirement only a week ago. "Amateur," commented Brett Favre. (Janice Hough)

        On reports that corpulent Kansas football coach Mark Mangino threatened to send a player back to the ghetto: "Maybe he should consider sending himself back to the salad bar." (Scott Ostler)

        Let's just say that Dany Heatley — the NHL goal-scoring leader who teased the struggling Oilers last summer before signing with the first-place San Jose Sharks wasn't a popular guy when he played in Edmonton on Friday night." This is like running into an ex-girlfriend a month after she dumps you,, She's holding hands with a Tom Cruise-looking fighter pilot, and you're asking if they'd like fries with that. (Robert Tychkowski)

        Chicago Bear Devin Hestor got his pants pulled down during the Eagles game last week and the video went viral. What's the big deal? He's not the first guy to get a little behind in his work. (RJ Currie)

        Derek Jeter was named Sport Illustrated Sportsman of the Year. Apparently for his triumph over adversity in leading the Yankees back to a World Championship after an endless nine year drought and with only a $200 million payroll. (Janice Hough)

        Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen played with a black eye on Saturday against Stanford, which he says he received in a fight outside a bar in South Bend. That story has too many holes in it. I'm thinking Tiger Woods' wife hit him in the eye with a 4-iron. (Jerry Perisho)

        ENTERTAINMENT

        One film that has not done well at the box office is “The Men Who Stare at Goats.” Why would anyone make a movie about a bunch of guys sitting around watching The View. (Doug Austin)

        A German tourist has been arrested at Disney-world for telling an employee he had two bombs in his back pack. As punishment they made him sit through the “It’s a Small world After all” ride over and over. (Doug Austin)

        ENTERTAINERS

        A newly-discovered film clip shows Hollywood legend Marilyn Monroe puffing on a joint. Just think, based on that film clip alone, if Marilyn was alive today, she'd have the same qualifications as Arnold Schwarzenegger to serve as Governor of California. (Jerry Perisho)

        Alec Baldwin says he is ready to retire from acting and told Men’s Journal that “I don’t have any interest in acting anymore.” Now if he can only get brothers Stephen, Daniel and Billy to join the club. (Doug Austin)

        Miley Cyrus says she won't watch the "Twilight" movies because she thinks it's a cult. And she urged her millions of followers to do the same. (Todd Long)

        Susan Boyle's debut album has already broken records on the UK charts. Industry experts believe the success is due to the great variety of songs included in the album, and the fact that her picture is not on the cover.

        Action movie star Steven Seagal has a new reality show on A&E. It takes place in a small Louisiana town where Seagal is a deputy sheriff. This is what A&E considers art and entertainment? Steven Seagal as Barney Fife? (Doug Austin)

        Clay Aiken turned 31 yesterday. And if you haven’t bought him a present yet, you can’t go wrong with piano lessons; I heard he wants to play the organ for Adam Lambert (Pedro Bartes)

        MEDIA & THE INTERNET

        Last year Chris Berman did TV spots for Nutrisystem. This year he's doing spots for Applebee's. Isn't this playing both ends against the middle? (Norman Chad)

        Last night, Fox commentator Bill O'Reilly said that President Obama's speech was "no Gettysburg address." When he heard this, Larry King said: "How would you know? I don't remember seeing you there." (Conan O'Brien)

        ABC News' Charles Gibson announced that he will retire from "World News" on Dec. 18 and will be replaced by Diane Sawyer. Almost immediately, his agent began negotiating his return with the Philadelphia 76ers. (Jerry Perisho)

        OTHER CELEBRITIES

        The Who will perform at halftime of the next Super Bowl, Nothing says football like old guys from Britain who love soccer. (Frank Caliendo)

        Kloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are finally legally married. The registrar's office of Orange County, California confirmed they filed a marriage license last week. Everybody kind of suspected they had gotten married, because they stopped having sex. (Pedro Bartes)

        Chelsea Clinton will marry her longtime boyfriend, investment banker Marc Mezvinsky. She must really love him, because Chelsea Mezvinsky doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        Cockpit tapes of the two Northwest Airlines pilots who overshot the Minneapolis airport have been released. They’ll be available on CD for Christmas in a black-box set. (Doug Austin)

        Bill Maher criticized IHOP for refusing to use cruelty-free eggs. Apparently Maher hates when the eggs are beaten.

        EDUCATION

        Massachusetts lawmakers are considering a bill which would require colleges to pay for health care for all full and part time students. That's great to attract students who can't afford health insurance. The only problem is finding students who can afford college tuition. (Jim Barach)

        The Georgia Supreme Court has ruled teachers can have sex with their 16- year-old or older students if the sex is consensual. In a related story, all of the teachers in Florida are now moving to Georgia. (Alex Kaseberg)

        An Arizona school district employee has been fired for using school computers to track space aliens. Arizona schools only allow employees to track illegal aliens. (Jim Barach)

        CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

        A poll finds that sexting is common among young people. More than a quarter of those surveyed say they have sent or received naked pictures or lewd texts. And those were just the ones who are friends with Tiger Woods. (Jim Barach)

        HOLIDAYS

        Had a great Thanksgiving, except there was one weird thing. This nicely-dressed couple from Virginia just showed up, took photos and left. (Tim Hunter)

        Kind of an awkward Thanksgiving for John Edwards. I guess his relatives asked him to bring his favorite side dish and he showed up with a cocktail waitress. (Jay Leno)

        Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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