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Weakly Humerus News 11-21-09

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-21-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Bill Clinton says that when it comes to Health Care Reform, there is No perfect
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 21, 2009
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-21-09


      Bill Clinton says that when it comes to Health Care Reform, there is "No perfect Bill". To which Hillary says she learned that the day she got married. (Jim Barach)

      Fox News is criticizing President Obama because he bowed to the Japanese emperor, and earlier he got in trouble with bowing to the Saudi king. See, that never would happen with President Bush. He only bowed to Dick Cheney. (Jay Leno)

      I wasn't surprised Toronto was awarded the 2015 Pan Am Games. Really, among the Raptors, Blue Jays, Argonauts and Leafs, what city has more experience with amateur athletics? (Janice Hough)

      Last night, Sarah did a tell-all interview with Barbara Walters. I watched, but I couldn't understand what either one was saying. "Did you cwy when you wost the election?" "You betcha." (Craig Ferguson)

      TMZ reports that ex-Miss California Carrie Prejean dropped her suit against pageant organizers after her sex tape was shown in court. When Paris Hilton heard this, she said, "I usually drop my suit before I make sex tapes." (RJ Currie)

      President Obama was badgered on Tuesday by China officials who fear U.S. deficit spending will trigger massive inflation. It's the same point Rush Limbaugh makes. With right-wing conservatives and left-wing communists on the same side of the issue, the GOP presidential ticket in three years is going to be Sarah Palin and Jane Fonda. (Argus Hamilton)

      In Andre Agassi's new autobiography, OPEN, the tennis star confesses that he used crystal meth. He should have titled the book THE AGASSI AND THE ECSTASY. (Richard Lederer)

      Tim Lincecum wins the Cy Young award Thursday morning, and Ricky Williams scores three touchdowns Thursday night for Miami. It might have been the best day for stoners since they invented Doritos. (Janice Hough)

      President Obama arrived in China yesterday. And to foster the spirit of good will, he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama has lots of meeting with Chinese leaders lined up. Hu's on first, Wang's on second, Ida Ho's on third... (Tim Hunter)

      Bill Clinton incensed health care reform opponents Tuesday by calling them tea baggers. Newspapers said tea bagger is a vulgar phrase referring to oral sex. For all he's taught us Bill Clinton should forever be known as the Education President. (Argus Hamilton)

      Sarah Palin’s new book, “Going Rouge,” is out. The perfect holiday gift for anyone who really liked George W. Bush, but thought he was just too intellectual. (Janice Hough)


      Sarah Palin said in a television interview that President Obama’s Nobel Prize was “premature.” And Palin should know about premature. Fortunately, her oldest son Track was healthy, despite being born only 7 1/2 months after Sarah and her husband Todd eloped. (Janice Hough)

      Sarah Palin would never bow to the emperor of Japan. She wouldn't even curtsy to him. (Bill Kristol)

      Sarah Palin is still dominating the news here. Last night, she was in an interview with Barbara Walters. She was asked to rate Obama's performance as a president on a scale of 1 to 10. And Palin was like, "Oh, that's easy, F." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Sarah Palin says she'd like to have a cup of coffee with Hillary Clinton. And Hillary says she would be up for that. They're going to meet at the Never-Will-Be-President Cafe. (Conan O'Brien)

      Sarah Palin's book is number one on Amazon.com right now. Stephen King has the number two book. Very scary new book called "Sarah Palin Becomes President." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Sarah Palin is promoting her new book on the talk show circuit. She won’t predict what she’ll do in 2012. To her, running for office is like a pregnancy. You shouldn’t plan for these things. (Alan Ray)

      Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Sarah and Oprah. On the one hand, a very powerful woman qualified to be President of the United States, and on the other hand, you have Sarah. (David Letterman)

      Sarah Palin and Oprah Winfrey have a lot in common. They both helped get Obama elected. (David Letterman)

      Sarah Palin signed copies — she's out on a massive book tour. This is a huge best seller. She was at Barnes & Noble today and she actually had to take a break because she got a cramp in her wig. Then she got a sore hand from signing so many book copies. She had to call Rush Limbaugh to get some OxyContin, and that put her right where she wanted to be. (David Letterman)

      President Obama said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's new book, because she'll sell enough copies without him. Meanwhile, President Bush said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's book, because it's a book. (Jimmy Fallon)

      This week Sarah Palin's memoir became a bestseller. It's not even out yet. It's been translated in English. (Bill Maher)

      Sarah Palin's new autobiography is already No. 1 on Amazon. And if you go to the website, it says, "People who bought this book also bought no other books in their entire life." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Sarah Palin rated Pres. Obama's performance so far as a 4 out of a possible 10. When asked for an example of a presidential performance that warrants a 10, she said, "Bill Pullman in 'Independence Day'." (Jerry Perisho)

      People see Palin as a candidate in 2012. Some people have started giving money to her campaign. For instance, she just received a very generous check from Barack Obama. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Sarah Palin goes after vegetarians, too. She asks, "if God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come he made them out of meat?" Hey, wait a second. People are made out of meat, too! And so are cocker spaniels. I think the lesson is, don't go to Sarah Palin's house for Thanksgiving dinner. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      I was watching 'Oprah' on the TV. She had Sarah Palin on the show. Sarah was promoting her book, where she talks about her plans for the future. I think she wants to be the next leader of the free world, which is ridiculous, because no one can replace Oprah. (Craig Ferguson)

      According to excerpts from Sarah Palin's memoir, 'Going Rogue,' the former vice presidential nominee says her infamous Katie Couric interview went so poorly because Couric was badgering, had a partisan agenda, and asked questions. (Seth Meyers)

      The book costs $24.99, but it has a $5,000 jacket. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said that her audiobook would be read by Barney the Dinosaur. (Andy Borowitz)


      Pres. Obama said that the people "could lose confidence in the U. S. economy" if our debt continues to grow. Obama thinks there is confidence in the US economy? Who's prepping this guy, the American Naiveté Assn.? (Jerry Perisho)

      President Obama is in China to meet with that country's leaders. In other words, it's a stockholders meeting. (Tim Hunter)

      Do you know where President Obama is right now? In China. Today he was over there. They're touring him around. He got to see where they keep all our money. (David Letterman)

      Yesterday, while speaking in Beijing’s Great Hall of the People, President Obama paid tribute to China for its economic successes. It’s amazing what can be accomplished with child slave labor. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama says he traveled to China to "get answers". And, he got lots of answers, but he had to eat each of the cookies they came in. (Tim Hunter)

      In New York, for the third time in two weeks, Vice President Joe Biden's motorcade was involved in a traffic accident. Remember the old days when the Vice President would just shoot you? (Jay Leno)

      President Barack Obama is getting criticism from republicans for bowing to the Japanese emperor. Republicans prefer the old school diplomacy where President Bush senior threw up on the Japanese. (Alex Kaseberg)


      A report says that 44% of all the members of congress are millionaires. The other 56% are Democrats. (Jim Barach)

      A House committee will hold a hearing today to look into the White House's claim that the stimulus has saved or created 640,000 jobs. The first witness was supposed to be the guy responsible for counting the new jobs, but he can't make it because his abacus is broken. (Jake Novak)

      The Democrats' Senate health care bill includes a new tax on elective plastic surgery. The good news is that if the bill is passed, Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden plan to leave the country. (Jake Novak)

      A new bill calls for a ban on personal laptops and handheld computers in the cockpits of commercial airlines. Pilots are supporting the measure, mostly because those computers get in the way of their frozen margarita machines. (Jake Novak)


      While condemning South Carolina Lt. Governor Andre Bauer for burdening the state with unnecessary litigation, US District Court Judge Cameron Currie ruled that a specialty license plate sponsored by Bauer depicting a stained glass window, a cross and the words "I Believe" is so clearly an unconstitutional violation of the First Amendment prohibiting the state from favoring a particular religion, the suit should never have been filed. Undeterred, Bauer vows he'll try again by substituting the Confederate flag for the stained glass window. (Bob Mills)

      A judge ruled quadriplegics can mount a gun to their wheelchair and operate it with a suck/blow feature. Boy, that's the last time I park in the handicapped spot! (Wanda Sykes)


      California will face a $21 billion budget deficit over the next year and a half, which could force the state to make even more cuts in public schools and health programs. Do you want to know what an entity looks like after every budget item has been cut to the bone? Go to a Clippers game. (Jerry Perisho)


      The Los Angeles city council is about to adopt a $55 million filtration system that will convert raw sewage into drinking water. They figure if TV producers can recycle crap, why can't they? (Bob Mills)

      The New York Times is reporting that the recession is bridging the racial divide in rural Georgia. For example, black people in one county are now welcoming the Klan to burn crosses at their homes, just to cut down on their heating bills! (Jake Novak)


      The University of Virginia will record an oral history of the Bush Presidency. More than one hundred interviews are planned. This is different from the oral history of the Clinton Presidency which pretty much just said "Monica Lewinsky". (Jim Barach)

      One of the people most bothered by Obama's bow was former Vice President Dick Cheney. He said no American president should bow to anyone. Dick's been unusually feisty lately. He's like that when he gets a fresh battery in his pacemaker. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, "Come on, it's not like he's the C. E.O. of Exxon." (Conan O'Brien)


      A report says that drug studies by Pfizer were fudged to look better. Although it says the studies about Viagra seemed to stand all on their own. (Jim Barach)

      A Japanese lingerie maker, Triumph, has produced a brassiere that can be removed and turned into a five-foot-long putting mat. If you want to work on longer putts, you can purchase the Dolly Parton, Pamela Anderson or John Daly models. (Cam Hutchinson)

      Chrysler issued a statement Monday vowing they'll double the sale of Chryslers in the next five years. It's a reachable goal. At the rate their car sales are falling it won't be long before Chrysler can double their sales by selling another one. (Argus Hamilton)

      U. S. food giant Kraft has launched a hostile takeover of Europe's premier chocolatier, Cadbury for $16 billion. Following the merger, the 109-year old cheese king plans to launch a revolutionary new snack item they predict will be a big seller --- Choco-Veeta. (Bob Mills)

      NBC announced Wednesday that five of its prime-time programs are featuring green, pro-environmental messages in their scripts. It's obvious that NBC's parent company GE is trying to get stimulus money for the windmills they manufacture. If Jay Leno has to tell jokes only Al Gore would laugh at, don't blame the ratings on him. (Argus Hamilton)

      Coca-Cola reports huge global sales. As a matter of fact, the soft drink's spinoff is doing quite well, too. Obesity. (Alan Ray)


      Police in Iowa arrested two men ages 23 and 20 accused of breaking into an apartment. The suspects had blackened their faces with permanent marker. They had guilt written all over their face. (Doug Austin)

      A Florida man is in jail after being arrested for calling 911 and asking for sex. Call him crazy, but it worked, he’s screwed now. (Alex Kaseberg)


      New York Governor David Paterson ripped the White House Monday for its decision to bring Guantanamo terrorists to New York for trial. He said he's worried it might make New York a target for terrorists. Some guys are always the last to get the word. (Argus Hamilton)

      Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is going to be tried in New York City. It should be pretty entertaining — Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are hosting. (David Letterman)

      Senator Dick Durbin announced Monday he wants terrorists to be transferred from Guantanamo Bay to an empty federal prison in Illinois. It's a good fit. The Arabs haven't won a war in a hundred years and according to FBI profilers, they're Cubs fans. (Argus Hamilton)


      Al-Qaeda cleric Anwar al-Alwaki told a Yemen newspaper that he exchanged e-mails with Fort Hood assassin Major Nidal Hasan. The FBI intercepted the e-mails and said some of what Hasan wrote was benign and the rest was protected by the First Amendment. As long as killing Americans is part of your religious belief, we must be tolerant of it. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama ordered an inventory of Army files kept on Major Nidal Hasan to find out who missed connecting the dots. He expressed radical Islamist views to co-workers, he e-mailed al-Qaeda clerics, and his business card had an acronym for Soldier of Allah. The on-hold music at the Pentagon now plays Asleep at the Wheel. (Argus Hamilton)

      The FBI found a large number of prescription drugs in the house of Fort Hood shooter Major Hasan Tuesday. This is bad. Now we have to sit through another entire list of possible side effects whenever a prescription drug's advertised on television. (Argus Hamilton)

      NASA & SPACE

      NASA announced Thursday the Lunar Explorer discovered water on the moon in the form of ice amassed over billions of years. Scientists were jubilant. They found exactly what they were looking for, an excuse to fund NASA for the next twenty years. (Argus Hamilton)

      NASA is on a crusade to debunk myths that say the world will end in 2012. Apparently people should be more worried about getting hit by some of that NASA space junk that keeps falling to earth. (Jim Barach)

      The urine recycler on board the international space station is broken. Until it’s fixed, the crew will have to return to the traditional plumbing system. Go behind a space rock. (Alan Ray)


      Backers of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez — on the heels of Chavez deriding golf as a "bourgeois sport" — are pushing to bulldoze two of the country's top courses and replace them with public housing. Sounds like it's a fore-gone conclusion. (Dwight Perry)


      Prince Charles and Lady Camilla just completed a tour of Canada. A lot of Toronto Maple Leafs fans can really relate to the Prince. He's also been waiting decades to be No. 1. (RJ Currie)


      Officials in Extremedera, Spain, launched a program aimed at 14 to 17 year olds entitled "Pleasure is in your hands" which offers leaflets, workshops and a "fanzine" teaching the proper techniques of masturbation, based according to one official "on the concepts of self esteem, confidence and male and female anatomy and physiology." Protests were immediately lodged by the Vatican's papal nuncio, Cardinal Giovanni Muscatelli who noted that the pursuit of self-gratification should properly be left where it belongs --- in the hands of the clergy. (Bob Mills)


      Lawmakers in Japan set maximum waist line limits for citizens. Anyone going over their number will have to pay more for insurance and go through counseling. If Americans were forced to pay by their waist size we could solve the health care problem and the budget deficit overnight. (Jim Barach)

      A new report found that Somalia, Afghanistan, Myanmar, Sudan and Iraq are the most corrupt countries in the world. I want to remind you that Chicago is not a country. (Jerry Perisho)

      British soldiers in Afghanistan were advised Monday to buy off Taliban recruits with bags of gold. This is a proven method for winning allegiance. It worked on the Sunnis in Iraq, the autoworkers in Detroit and everybody ACORN registered to vote. (Argus Hamilton)


      The South African sports ministry has stated that gender tests on South African runner Caster Semenya will remain sealed and private. Yeah, that worked out so well with steroid testing in baseball. (Janice Hough)

      Chansa Kabwela, news editor of the Zambian Post, has been acquitted on distribution of pornography charges that were imposed after she sent photographs of a live human birth to government officials to protest a nurse's strike that had paralyzed Zambia's medical system. (Bob Mills)


      Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas has confirmed that the next round of elections in the West Bank and Gaza will be postponed. The vote will be rescheduled as soon as Hamas and Fatah can agree on how to use exploding ballots. (Jake Novak)

      Israel is working on a warning system that will calculate where a rocket will hit and send a message to residents’ phones. If a bomb will hit a certain neighborhood, residents will get a text message. It will say, “OMG . . . BOMB.” (Jay Leno)


      The Centers for Disease Control reported Thursday that twenty-two million Americans have contracted swine flu in the last six months. All public venues are taking precautions. Disneyland has given Sneezy so many shots he is now known as Lenny Bruce. (Argus Hamilton)

      Research says that hot tub accidents have increased 160% in the past two decades. The most common accident resulting from hot tubs is still pregnancy. (Jim Barach)

      A Canadian study says that if a woman wears a D cup she has a greater chance of getting diabetes than if she wears an A cup. Apparently, it has to do with all the free diners and drinks D-cup women get from horny guys. (Pedro Bartes)

      A new study from the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia found that Viagra could help children with heart defects. But, it will completely ruin a game of leapfrog. (Jerry Perisho)

      A new study from the Centers for Disease Control says that tripping over your pets causes over 86,000 serious permanent injuries each year. Worse - only 30 percent of those make it to YouTube. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Researchers at the Institute of Microsurgery in Melbourne, Australia, announced they're going to start a medical trial using stem cells to grow breast. It is not new, there’s already a machine for creating boobs. It is called: Fox News. (Pedro Bartes)

      Scientists have found that female Chinese fruit bats perform oral sex on male bats to get them to prolong the act. And you thought it was bad when they left teeth marks on a neck? Ouch! (Doug Austin)

      A United Health Group study ranks New Hampshire the healthiest state and Mississippi the unhealthiest. Except in the area of podiatry where shoelessness tends to promote healthier feet. (Bob Mills)

      U.S. health officials issued a recommendation Monday that women shouldn't have mammograms until they're fifty. It underlines the difference between the two parties. Whoever's in the White House, Republicans drill for oil and Democrats examine breasts. (Argus Hamilton)


      A study says that extreme temperatures and dirty air can trigger heart attacks. Which is good news for people in Los Angeles who at least get to live in mild temperatures with dirty air. (Jim Barach)


      They’re still reeling down in Los Angeles. First the Rams, then the Raiders. Now with USC’s embarrassing drubbing at the hands of Stanford it’s looking like the city may have lost their last professional football team. (Janice Hough)

      The N.F.L. is trying to crack down on the number of drunken fans by limiting tailgating to three and a half hours. Great idea! Now the fans will get drunk first and then drive to the stadium. (Wendel Potter)

      USC Coach Pete Carroll isn't sure exactly what to do to cure the Trojans' ills, since they've already played Notre Dame this season. (Reggie Hayes)

      To give you an idea how white Sosa is now, Sammy watched the entire broadcast of “The Country Music Awards". (Alex Kaseberg)

      Michael Phelps blamed his poor performance at a World Cup swim meet on being out of shape, while his coach blamed it on his swimsuit. I say we split the difference and say he's just not up to speedo. (RJ Currie)

      Golf icon Tiger Woods, about to be inducted into the Stanford Athletics Hall of Fame, will serve as an honorary captain for the football team's Big Game against California on Saturday. As an added sideline bonus, his advice might come in handy during long drives and short-yardage situations. (Dwight Perry)

      Tiger Woods hurled his golf club sky-high into the gallery after he hit a poor tee shot in the Australian Masters. Souvenir seekers lunged for it. Of course they are in Australia so the golf club circled the crowd and flew right back into his hand. (Argus Hamilton)

      Sammy Sosa has been the target of accusations, criticism and media scrutiny for his suddenly lighter complexion. Why all the fuss? It's not nearly as bad as taking steroids. What he's doing to his face just pales in comparison. (RJ Currie)

      Tim Lincecum won his second straight Cy Young award today. The person most unhappy about this? Michael Phelps. He’s now worried the IOC may classify marijuana as a performance enchancing drug. (Janice Hough)

      Micheal Phelps finished in 3rd place in the 100 Meter Individual Medley in Stockholm. That's what happens when he is allowed to race in a city that has legalized pot. (Jim Barach)

      Andre Agassi claims he played tennis without underwear and that the habit began in 1999 at the French Open. Hmm. I wonder if he stayed at the Paris Hilton? (RJ Currie)

      When I watched Andre Agassi on 60 Minutes, I was surprised to hear he was doing crystal meth. In my ignorance, I thought he was hitting up on Crystal Gayle. (Frenchie McFarlane)

      The best hands in sports? That kid, Joe Cada, who won the World Series of Poker. Dude won $8.5 million with a pair of nines. (Steve Schrader)

      60,000 people will be at the Harvard-Yale football game tomorrow. Usually to get that much money and power in one place you have to be in the Goldman Sachs bathroom. (Jake Novak)

      Tonight’s “Monday Night Football” has the Baltimore Ravens against the Cleveland Browns. I don’t want to say the 1-8 Browns are bad, but their receivers don’t use their hands as much as Carrie Prejean. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Lakers guard Sasha Vujacic, who has been criticized this season for his inability to find the basket, is now dating Maria Sharapova. Man, that's what I call breaking out of a scoring slump! (RJ Currie)

      Bud Adams, the owner of the Tennessee Titans, was fined $250,000 for making an obscene gesture to opposing fans after his team’s win. By that standard they could balance the budget in Washington just by fining Redskins fans for the gestures they make to their own team. (Janice Hough)

      Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams was fined $250,000 for an obscene gesture to Buffalo fans after his team’s win over the Bills. Well, at least that’s one bad thing that won’t happen this year to Al Davis. (Janice Hough)

      The owner of the NFL's Tennessee Titans now says he was merely saying "Happy Thanksgiving" to Buffalo Bills fans when he was flipping them the bird. Nice try (Tim Hunter)

      NHL puckster Brad May was slapped with a 20-game suspension and a $120,000 fine for slashing an opponent with his stick. Worse, the DA is considering charges of assault, battery and impersonating an LA police officer. (Bob Mills)

      Hank Aaron who wore # 44, 4 times hit 44 home runs. Try saying that 10 times fast. (Johnny Magnus)

      Russian figure skater Andrei Lutai has been charged in Lake Placid, N.Y., with stealing a car and driving it while drunk just hours after finishing 10th at Skate America. Guess he just needed a little extra work on his double axles. (Dwight Perry)

      The invocation before the Texas Christian Horned Frogs 55-28 bombardment of Utah Saturday included a thank you to the heavens that "caused the frogs to come upon the world. Sadly, it contained no mention of that long-underrated contributor, the tadpole. (David Thomas)

      One more reason to loathe college football's so-called postseason: Minnesota is now "bowl-eligible" after beating South Dakota State — by 3 points, at home! (Dwight Perry)

      A man from Michigan who dressed as Captain America, won $7,000 in the world Rock Paper Scissors championship after five hours of play. A confused former Pres. Bush called him in the locker room to congratulate him. (Jerry Perisho)

      The wishbone is not dead. It's just that the damn coaches are. (Barry Switzer)


      Oprah Winfrey says she will stop doing her talk show in 2011. But her followers all say that when she goes off the air, she will return to them in three days. (Jake Novak)

      Jennifer Lopez is suing her ex-husband for threatening to release a sex tape of her. Apparently it’s the first J Lo movie that anyone has wanted to see in 10 years. (Jay Leno)

      Britney Spears has been criticized by Aussie politicians for lip-syncing on her tour of Australia, with one minster saying that fans don't spend money just to watch "a Mickey Mouse performance." I guess the minister hasn't heard of Toronto Maple Leafs fans. (RJ Currie)

      The movie “Precious” is about a morbidly obese illiterate 16-year-old girl who is sexually abused by her drug addict father and mentally and physically abused by her bitter welfare mother. This is the movie for those who think skyrocketing unemployment, swine flu and two wars in the Middle East are not quite depressing enough. (Alex Kaseberg)

      It’s Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ third-year anniversary today. Three years of marriage is very rare in Hollywood — it’s like real breasts. (Craig Ferguson)

      Walt Disney Theme Parks have started giving visually impaired visitors a hand-held device that describes the attractions they are not seeing. Apparently it's a tape-recorder that keeps repeating, "You are standing in a line of 300 people." (Conan O'Brien)

      Disneyland has installed hand sanitizer in their theme parks, to help combat the spread of swine flu. They've also removed all restrictions on the Big Bad Wolf when it comes to those three little pigs. (Tim Hunter)

      Mickey Mouse is now 81. He’s now the oldest rodent in show business, unless you count that thing on Donald Trump’s head. (Craig Ferguson)

      At a concert in Detroit, Bruce Springsteen repeatedly yelled “Hello Ohio.” Upon hearing this, Sarah Palin said; “Silly Bruce, everyone knows Detroit is a completely different state than Ohio.” (Alex Kaseberg)

      Bruce Springsteen walked on stage in Michigan Sunday and told the audience how great it is to be in Ohio. It's sad to see Baby Boomers age onstage. Mick Jagger thinks that he's with a different woman every night and he hasn't cheated in two years. (Argus Hamilton)

      Elton John told a British Court that his monthly expenses average $2.15 million. Not so much when you figure that includes tips. (Bob Mills)


      Bud Selig said that next year Major League Baseball will try to have less off-days between playoff games. Translation, Fox has decided the World Series going into November hurts their fall schedule. (Janice Hough)

      The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us. (David Letterman)

      On "Fox News Sunday," Rush Limbaugh said President Obama is "immature, inexperienced, in over his head," offering the country "radical leadership" and laying siege to the economy. Or as democrats call that the Bush years. (Doug Austin)

      Fox News has "Irritable Bow Syndrome". Whenever Obama bows politely to another head of state, well, let's just say what comes out of Fox is explosive. (Paul Benoit)

      Lou Dobbs has quit CNN. And here's the weird part: He didn't want to quit — his work visa expired. (Jay Leno)

      Controversial CNN host Lou Dobbs bade the people of Earth farewell today as he embarked on a long voyage back to his planet of origin. In his farewell speech, Mr. Dobbs acknowledged the irony of his being an alien but insisted that he had been on Earth legally. (Andy Borowitz)

      Police raided the circulation offices of the New York Times yesterday. They were looking into wild accusations that the Times may actually still have some paying subscribers. (Jake Novak)


      I coached for 30 years and got a Super Bowl ring, and most people, when they see me now, go, 'Hey, you're that Coors Light guy. (Brian Billick)

      Sarah Palin’s daughter’s baby-daddy, Levi Johnston, is posing for “Playgirl” but he says he won’t do frontal nudity; that means he’ll take of his Levis but you won’t see his Johnston. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Astronaut Lisa Nowak has pleaded guilty to lesser charges in an alleged kidnap attempt of a fellow astronaut and was sentenced to a year of probation and 50 hours of community service. Her first community service assignment is to get rid of all those old astronaut diapers that are taking up space in the evidence room. (Jim Barach)

      Hooker-hiring disgraced ex-New York Governor, Elliot Spitzer, is teaching an ethics class at Harvard. Its right down the hall from Donald Trump’s class on hair care. (Alex Kaseberg)

      In an interview, Blackeyed Peas singer, Fergie, said she likes to have sex with women, but she prefers well-endowed men. And with Chastity Bono, she can have both. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Rebecca Gayheart and husband Eric Dane are expecting their first child together. The good news: the "making of the child" video is already made. (Tim Hunter)


      Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is in trouble over a sex tape. Before Prejean blamed her topless photos on the wind blowing her blouse open. Not to go into lurid details of the sex tape, but that had to be some gust of wind to blow her vibrator where it ended up. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Seven more sex tapes made by former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, have emerged. There is something really odd about her sex tapes, I just can’t put my finger on it. (Alex Kaseberg)

      She’s trying to downplay the incident. In pageant terms, it was a swim-suit competition minus the swim suit but with a lot of baton twirling. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      I just realized that Carrie Prejean is a great example of one hand not wanting to know what the other one is doing! (Tim Hunter)

      Twenty more sex tapes of former Miss California, Carrie Prejean have emerged all solo; she has made so many solo sex tape, she has hurt herself. You’ve heard of carpel tunnel syndrome? Prejean has carpet tunnel syndrome. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Carrie Prejean says there is nothing wrong with Christians getting breast implants. You know the part of the bible called the book of Deuteronomy? The passage about implants is in the book of Hooteronomy. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Did you see how confused Larry King was when Carrie Prejean got furious when he asked her questions? Larry hasn’t been that confused since he interviewed John Adams thinking it was Sam Adams. (Alex Kaseberg)


      November is “Learn Chinese Month.” As a resident of Los Angeles, here’s what I want to know: When is “Learn English Month”? (Jay Leno)

      A North Carolina school dropped plans for a fundraiser that would give students 20 test points for a $20 donation. Apparently the students will just have to go back to the old fashioned way of getting a good grade. Having sex with their teachers. (Jim Barach)

      A study says that 80 hour work weeks are not long enough for surgery residents to learn all their skills. Which is the same thing Wal-Mart has been saying about its stock room employees and cashiers. (Jim Barach)


      Bishop Tobin of Providence said Tuesday he may refuse communion to Congressman Patrick Kennedy over his support for abortion rights. It won't work. History shows that if you cut the Kennedys off from wine they just turn to prescription drugs. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Vatican is exploring the possibility of alien life and its implication for the church. Apparently they are exploring if intelligent life from somewhere else has visited the planet with any impact on the human race. Aren't they pretty much talking about Jesus? (Jim Barach)

      Executives with Facebook, Wikipedia and Google will meet with Vatican officials to brief them about how the Internet works. Of course, priests don't have to be briefed as they are already all on Myspace. (Jim Barach)

      Claiming to be reflecting the wishes of many Aussies, Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, says he will consider calls for a parliamentary inquiry into the Church of Scientology after letters from former followers surfaced implicating the quasi religious cult in a range of crimes, including forced imprisonment, coerced abortions, physical violence and blackmail. And Nicole Kidman has requested a full investigation into claims made to her by former hubby Tom Cruise that he's the love child of L. Ron Hubbard and Anita Bryant. (Bob Mills)


      Los Angeles magazine reported that young singles in Southern California prefer Internet dating sites over singles bars as places to hook up. They're fearless. The Internet is a place where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents. (Argus Hamilton)

      Earlier this week — this is crazy — the country's first marijuana cafe opened up, which not only sells medical marijuana, but also has a restaurant where customers can eat. In a related story, the recession is over. (Conan O'Brien)


      The New Oxford American Dictionary's 2009 Word of the Year is "unfriend," which means to remove someone as a Facebook friend. It finished ahead of "sexting," which you wouldn't know about if you've been unfriended. (Paul Seaburn)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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