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Weakly Humerus News 11-07-09

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-07-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK On Sunday the Fox News Channel reported that an American won the New York
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 8, 2009
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-07-09
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      On Sunday the Fox News Channel reported that an American won the New
      York marathon and a Kenyan won the U. S. presidency. Earlier on
      Sunday, Fox marked Daylight Savings Time by setting its clocks back
      400 years. (Andy Borowitz)

      The government said that the third quarter of the economy grew by
      3.5%, or as Fox News reported, it "failed to grow by 96.5%." (Jay Leno)

      Bad year for Democrats. This is all they have left: the presidency,
      both houses of Congress, and all of Hollywood. That's all. (David
      Letterman)

      Well, congratulations to New York city mayor Michael Bloomberg on the
      purchase of his third term. Bloomberg spent $100 million to get re-
      elected. Do you realize that is the most money ever spent on a New
      Yorker that's not playing for the Yankees? (Jay Leno)

      Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia,
      New Jersey, and he's not doing good in Afghanistan either. (Jay Leno)

      The largest cruise ship ever built set sail for the first time — from
      Finland to Miami. The ship has a park, golf courses, a shopping mall.
      All the things you can do on land with the added excitement of
      possibly sinking. (Craig Ferguson)

      According to a report on CNN today "President Obama is close to
      formulating a new strategy for Afghanistan." They say he'll either
      decide to add more troops, reduce the number of troops or keep the
      troop levels the same. Good, solid reporting. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama's former campaign manager reveals in a new memoir that
      he believes Bill Clinton ruined Hillary's chances of becoming vice
      president, making it the first time in years that Bill screwed
      Hillary. (Pedro Bartes)

      City workers in Green Bay, in honor of waffling QB Brett Favre's
      return with the hated Vikings, were urged to wear flip-flop sandals on
      the job. So what will Atlantans wear for Michael Vick's return in
      December? Hush Puppies? (Dwight Perry)

      A former girlfriend told US Weekly that Alex Rodriguez had two
      portraits of himself as a centaur hanging in his bedroom. Maybe that's
      why he calls it the bridle suite. (Dwight Perry)

      New York health officials recalled five hundred thousand pounds of
      ground beef Monday due to E. coli. This germ doesn't kid around. The
      difference between E. coli and President Obama is that E. coli doesn't
      need two months to develop an exit strategy. (Argus Hamilton)

      Kobe Bryant played tonight for the Lakers against the Thunder despite
      flu like symptoms. Apparently neither team was worried about H1N1 –
      figuring, it's Kobe, he never passes on anything. (Janice Hough)

      Vikings coach Brad Childress dressed up as a female flight attendant
      on a team flight. Brett Favre couldn't decide whether to make a pass
      or not. (R. J. Currie)

      A woman in Australia discovered right after she got married that she
      was allergic to her husband's sperm. It is not that uncommon; a lot of
      people are allergic to nuts. (Pedro Bartes)

      THE ELECTIONS

      Everyone's talking about the election results in Maine. They voted for
      medical marijuana, but against gay marriage. I think voters were
      worried that guys would get so high they'd accidently marry each
      other. (Craig Ferguson)

      Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but
      yes to medical marijuana. That's right — people in Maine believe
      marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man
      and a really stoned woman. (Conan O'Brien)

      Big losses for the Democrats yesterday. Here's how bad it was: Earlier
      today, Democratic leaders were begging Rush Limbaugh for painkillers.
      (David Letterman)

      Mayor Bloomberg was elected for a third term. The losing candidate,
      Bill Thompson, assembled his transition team to help ease him from
      obscurity to oblivion. (David Letterman)

      It looks like New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg will win a third
      term. He spent the most on the election in New York history, just
      barely exceeding the New York Yankees salary cap. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Bloomberg was limited to just two terms, but he changed the law so he
      could run again and be in power another four years. And today, Arnold
      Schwarzenegger said — "You can do that? How do you do that? Why can't
      I do that here?" (Jay Leno)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA & THE ADMINISTRATION

      Can you believe it's been a year since Barack Obama was elected
      president? There's been some changes. He's new slogan is now, "Yes, We
      Can, but Don't Hold Your Breath. It's Going to Be a Little
      While." (Jay Leno)

      One year ago today, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama was elected
      president, one year ago today. One year later, we're still in Iraq.
      We're still in Afghanistan. But, you know, at least we got rid of
      Paula Abdul. (David Letterman)

      In his first year in office, President Obama has traveled to 16
      foreign countries, more than any other president in history. Bush only
      traveled to 11, but most of those were just different parts from the
      "It's a Small World" ride. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The White House has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban
      to change sides and support the U. S. If this works, they're going to
      try the same plan with members of Fox News. Actually the program has a
      catchy title. It's called, "Don't Ask, Don't Taliban." (Jay Leno)

      Secretary of State Hillary Clinton scolded Pakistan leaders for not
      going after al-Qaida and just pretending they didn't see a problem
      that everyone else in the world could see. Ouch! Imagine Hillary
      Clinton lecturing you on turning a blind eye to a problem that the
      rest of the world could see. (Jay Leno)

      Some pictures of President Obama posted on the internet seem to show
      the President looking very thin. They say he looks too thin, but White
      House docs say not to worry, Barack Obama’s one of those guys who can
      eat whatever he wants and still not gain weight. Yet another reason
      for Rush Limbaugh to hate him. (Jay Leno)

      Reporters say that President Obama has been skipping meals lately, and
      new photographs show that he's lost a lot of weight. If this is true,
      then maybe Obama really has lost touch with the American people.
      (Conan O'Brien)

      During a speech, President Obama embarrassed his daughter, Malia by
      revealing that she recently got a 73 on a science test. Yeah, yeah,
      then Malia embarrassed him by asking him how the governor's races in
      Virginia and New Jersey turned out. (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama talked about his daughter Melia in a recent speech on
      education, and cited one of her test scores of 73. And George W. Bush
      called his father and said "When you were president why didn't you
      ever brag about me like that?" (Janice Hough)

      President Obama called and congratulated Republican Bob McDonnell
      today after he won the governorship in Virginia. Obama then moved
      Virginia to the bottom of the swine flu vaccine waiting list. (Jimmy
      Fallon)

      Vice President Joe Biden was the guest of honor Monday night at an
      awards dinner in New York hosted by Women's Campaign International,
      and was recognized for his role in authoring the Violence Against
      Women Act. Experts predict his acceptance speech should wrap up around
      Good Friday. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE CONGRESS

      Representative Virginia Foxx (R-NC) warned that the U. S. has more to
      fear from health care reform than from terrorism. I think the GOP has
      found Newt Gingrich's wacky female running mate. (Jerry Perisho)

      Nancy Pelosi released the House version of the health care bill
      Thursday which requires everyone to buy insurance. The Founders would
      be aghast. John Hancock never would have dreamed of asking for
      something like this and he was an insurance company. (Argus Hamilton)

      The new health care bill is 1,990 pages long. To put that into words
      everyone can understand, that's like 5 million tweets. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Democrat's new new healthcare bill would guarantee health coverage
      for 96 percent of Americans. The other 4 percent would be given bus
      tickets to Canada. (Jay Leno)

      House Democrats said the health care reform bill is bogged down over
      the issues of abortion coverage, illegal immigration, and how to pay
      for it. These are unsolvable problems. They can't even agree whether
      Jerusalem should be the capital of health care. (Argus Hamilton)

      Senate Democrats have blocked a GOP attempt to require next year's
      census forms to ask people whether they are a U. S. citizen.
      Apparently, Democrats were concerned that Obama may answer NO. (Pedro
      Bartes)

      THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS

      As she kicked off her Senate campaign, Carly Fiorina criticized
      Washington by saying 'What is it they are doing with all our money?"
      Funny, that's the same thing shareholders said when she was in charge
      of HP. (Janice Hough)

      New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine got beat by his GOP challenger Chris
      Christie Tuesday. Corzine made fun of Christie being overweight in
      campaign ads. You'd think his pollsters would've told him that's no
      way to win votes during an obesity epidemic. (Argus Hamilton)

      The State of Ohio is having trouble finding doctors who will advise
      the state on how to carry out the death penalty. They should try
      enlisting the support of health care executives instead. (Jim Barach)

      I read that a 60-year-old man was recently arrested in New Jersey for
      masturbating while driving. Apparently it's illegal unless you're
      using a hands-free device. Hands-free? Incongruous, I thought. And
      what was he charged with? Car-jacking? (Maurizio Mariotti)

      A baby missing for five days in Florida was found alive and well under
      her baby sitter's bed. Apparently, the new problem now is that every
      time a kid goes missing police looks up in the sky for a balloon.
      (Pedro Bartes)

      A Minneapolis woman will give birth to her first baby live on the
      internet. I have AOL. My connection is so slow, by the time I'm done
      with the delivery, the baby is going to be 5 years old. (Pedro Bartes)

      DEMOCRATS, REPUBLICANS & U.S. POLITICS

      In the wake of the upper New York congressional election, politicians
      throughout the country are begging Palin, Pawlenty, Beck and Rush to
      campaign in their districts. These politicians are Democrats. (Norm M.)

      Al Gore, winner of the Nobel Prize, is on the show. I wish he were
      here last night. I could have used the help. During the course of the
      show, the climate went from bad to worse. (David Letterman)

      Sarah Palin's financial records were made public and it turns out she
      owns a marketing business involved with services for the elderly. I
      guess that makes sense since last year she helped an old man lose an
      election. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Sarah Palin announced that she's gonna travel across the country on a
      bus to promote her new book. She'll be hard to miss 'cause it'll be
      the only bus on the road with a dead moose strapped on the hood.
      (Conan O'Brien)

      A new CNN poll found that more than 70 percent of Americans said that
      Sarah Palin is not qualified to be president in 2012. Which, of
      course, makes her the perfect candidate for at least one party. I'm
      not about to say which one, or I'll get on their nasty e-mail list.
      (Joe Hickman)

      Dick Cheney has said he doesn't remember who leaked Valerie Plames
      name back in 2004. Of course, judging by his recent comments, he
      doesnt remember who got us into Afghanistan and Iraq either. (Janice
      Hough)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      The economy grew in the third quarter, the first growth in more than a
      year. Economists say it signals the end of the recession. Which is
      like saying a three game Cubs winning streak means they are on track
      for the playoffs.

      The White House hailed a rise in Gross Domestic Product Friday as
      evidence the economy's improving. No one was fooled. Things are so bad
      that parents in Beverly Hills are firing their nannies and learning
      their children's names, Exxon Mobil had to lay off twenty-five
      congressmen, and Dick Cheney just took his stockbroker hunting. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      President Obama says that his economic plan has saved or created one
      million new jobs. Well, one million and two if you count the jobs he
      created for governors of Virginia and New Jersey. (Jay Leno)

      BUSINESS, & LABOR

      WalMart announced Thursday it will begin selling discount priced
      caskets on its Internet website. The funeral homes don't mind. They
      figure once the government takes over health care there should be
      plenty of business to go around for everybody. (Argus Hamilton)

      Ford is rolling out a new technology that will improve the safety of
      rear-seat passengers: inflatable seat belts. Meanwhile, GM and
      Chrysler workers are rolling an old technology that will improve the
      safety of their union benefits: inflatable campaign donations. (Jake
      Novak)

      Layoffs at Microsoft this week. When you get laid off at Microsoft,
      it's a little different. At Microsoft, instead of the door, they show
      you the Windows. (Tim Hunter)

      Kellogg's was asked by health officials Monday to prove its
      advertising claims that Rice Krispies helps support a child's immune
      system. These medical claims for food are getting out of control. The
      free toy inside every box should not be a syringe. (Argus Hamilton)

      US Airways is cutting 1,000 jobs, most of the laid off workers are
      hoping to get new jobs selling laptops to pilots at Northwest
      Airlines. (Jake Novak)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      When are they going to arrest that guy who said his kid was in that
      runaway balloon? If he's not a flight risk, who is? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Police in Iowa arrested two men ages 23 and 20 accused of breaking
      into an apartment. The suspects had blackened their faces with
      permanent marker. They had guilt written all over their face. (Doug
      Austin)

      Two people suspected of stealing up to 1,000 pieces of luggage from
      baggage claim carousels at Phoenix's airport have been arrested by
      police who found heaps of the stolen bags strewn throughout their
      home. Their bail has been set at $30,000, or as Delta Airlines calls
      it, $30 a bag. (Alex Schubert)

      Arizona police have arrested two people suspected of stealing hundreds
      of bags of luggage from the carousel at the Phoenix airport. Officers
      at the terminal reported seeing the couple behaving suspiciously for a
      couple of days, and when police searched their home Tuesday, they
      found “suitcases everywhere — from floor to ceiling.” The Phoenix
      couple said they suspected they were being watched, and could feel the
      heat, but it was a dry heat, so they kept stealing the luggage. (Frank
      King)

      A Wisconsin man who failed a Breathalyzer test blamed it on the Jack
      Daniels in the steak sauce he put on his T-bone the night before. If
      you need that much steak sauce, skip one AA meeting and go find a new
      butcher. (Paul Seaburn)

      A 31-year-old man in Michigan faces charges after stealing an
      ambulance that had been left idling outside of a hospital emergency
      room. I don’t think this is what Democrats meant by the Public
      Option. (Doug Austen)

      A man in South Carolina was sentenced to three years in prison for
      having sex with a horse. In South Carolina, "neigh" means "neigh".
      (Jerry Perisho)

      A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having
      sex with a horse; I thought it was unnecessarily mean the way the
      judge issued the sentence while playing the song; "Back in the saddle
      again." (Alex Kaseberg)

      IMMIGRATION, SECURITY & TERRORISM

      President Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban
      to switch sides and support the United States. Apparently he's
      promised them 72 virgins and full dental coverage. (Conan O'Brien)

      A new report claims the C. I.A. has been paying the brother of Afghan
      President Karzai for several years. Turns out he owns a coffee stand
      outside Quantico. (Todd Long)

      NASA & SPACE

      A discount supermarket in Austria is selling suborbital space flights
      that will begin in 2011 for $314,000 per passenger. Buyers have the
      option of having their space suits made out of paper or plastic.

      EUROPE

      Switzerland is cracking down on "suicide tourism," people coming to
      the country only to take advantage of their assisted-suicide laws. For
      one thing, there's no repeat business. Plus, people have begun saying,
      "If I went to Switzerland on vacation, I'd just die!" (Tim Hunter)

      Russia has sparked outrage after simulating a nuclear air and sea
      attack on Poland during military exercises. You know, some previously
      occupied nations just can't take a joke. (Jerry Perisho)

      A man in England claims that he is allergic to his wife and breaks out
      in a rash whenever he goes near her. Somewhere, Jon Gosselin is
      saying, "Damn, I wish I'd thought of that." (Jerry Perisho)

      An 11-year-old girl in Bulgaria gave birth to a baby after she went
      into labor on her wedding day. Let's stop and count the number of
      things that are wrong with that sentence. (Jerry Perisho)

      ASIA

      Hillary Clinton told the Pakistani government Friday it's hard to
      believe they don't know where Osama bin Laden is hiding. Nobody's
      going to turn him in for the twenty-five million dollar reward. We're
      simply going to have to offer them Euros. (Argus Hamilton)

      And the White House has approved a new plan to pay the Taliban
      fighters in Afghanistan to switch sides and join the U. S. The program
      is called "Moolah for Mullah." (Jay Leno)

      President Obama declared Hamid Karzai winner of the Afghan election
      Monday. He walks around wearing a cape and twirling a cane, and his
      brother is a heroin kingpin. They look like a couple of undercover
      journalists trying to bust an ACORN office. (Argus Hamilton)

      Disney has gotten the okay to build a theme park in China. One area of
      the attraction will salute freedoms in that nation. It’ll be called
      Fantasyland. (Pedro Bartes)

      The Chinese government has approved construction of a $3.5 billion
      Shanghai Disneyland, to be completed in about 6 years. Pluto will be
      there on opening day; in a bowl, served with rice and soy sauce.
      (Jerry Perisho)

      AFRICA

      A passenger on an air force jet in South Africa was uninjured after he
      accidentally activated the ejector seat and shot himself hundreds of
      feet into the sky. Ejecting out of a jet is nothing; it's landing on a
      rhinoceros horn that can cause some pain. (Jerry Perisho)

      A man from Somalia, reported to be 112 years old, has married a 17-
      year-old village girl. The newlywed wife admits she's young, but every
      night she feels old age creeping up on her. (Ira Lawson)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      The senior citizen group, AARP endorsed the Democrats health care
      bill. Senior citizens endorsed it. Yes. Yeah, yeah, a spokesperson for
      the senior citizens group said, "We can't wait until this bill is
      signed by President Harry Truman." (Conan O'Brien)

      Some parents are avoiding theme parks because they're concerned that
      they're "H1N1 Petri dishes." Not to worry, when you pass by the Snow
      White exhibit, just steer clear of "Sneezy." (Neil Berliner)

      The White House predicted there would be 120 million doses of swine
      flu vaccines available today. But right now, there are only 26
      million. Yeah, they overshot by so much, they are all getting jobs as
      pilots for Northwest Airlines. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition published research Thursday
      showing that women who drink moderate amounts of wine have healthier
      blood vessels. Wine works two ways for women. It raises their good
      cholesterol and lowers their standards. (Argus Hamilton)

      A new drug that stops schizophrenia, Vanda, comes out next year. This
      is great news. No, it's not. Yes, it is. Who says? I do. Oh yeah?
      Yeah. (Alex Kaseberg)

      There is actually a big swine flu vaccine shortage all across the
      country, but you know who has gotten the vaccines? Executives at
      Citigroup, Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan. But in the company's defense,
      if those executives got sick, everything would stop, the companies
      would go under and the government would have to bail them out. (Jimmy
      Fallon)

      The debate between former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush
      at Radio City Music Hall in February has been cancelled. The subject
      of the debate is "Modern Day Rockets", but they both misunderstood.
      Bush thought they'd talk about the fireworks you sneak across the
      border from Mexico, while Clinton thought they'd be examining the
      Rockettes. (Jerry Perisho)

      Doctors have discovered a form of temporary amnesia that strikes
      people over 50 right after they have sex. They have also discovered a
      form of permanent amnesia that strikes people who have sex with Rosie
      O'Donnell. (Jake Novak)

      SPORTS

      This World Series celebration did nothing to tone down A-Rod's ego -
      now he really thinks of himself as a American hero. Especially since
      like Captain Sully, he finished the day in the Hudson. (Janice Hough)

      The Philadelphia Inquirer apologized to readers for running an ad
      Monday congratulating the Phillies on winning back-to-back World
      Series titles. Well, you sure don't see Chicago newspapers making
      mistakes like that. (Elliott Harris)

      Jets rookie QB Mark Sanchez, caught scarfing down a hot dog during
      the Raiders game, turned it into positive publicity when Hebrew
      National Hot Dogs offered anyone with a ticket stub from that game a
      free pack of wieners. ans attending this week's Jets game in the
      Meadowlands are hoping Sanchez drives a Mercedes on the sideline. (Len
      Berman)

      On reports that Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez commissioned two
      paintings of himself as a centaur: "Just call him Neigh-Rod." (Len
      Berman)

      What's the one thing you should never, never say to a guy who
      commissioned two paintings of himself as a centaur? "Break a leg,
      Alex." (Dwight Perry)

      Brett Favre turned 40 last month. In honor of Favre, the Vikings team
      bus always leaves its turn signal on. (Alex Kaseberg)

      New York Yankee fans paid ticket scalpers twenty thousand a seat to
      watch Game Six Wednesday. The bonus checks cleared. If a bomb had
      fallen on that stadium every investment banker in New York would have
      been killed, for the second time in one year. (Argus Hamilton)

      New York City honored the World Series-champion Yankees — they of the
      new $1.5 billion stadium and $201.5 million payroll — with a $300,000
      parade on Friday. In keeping with the theme, they replaced the
      confetti with shredded $100 bills. (Dwight Perry)

      "New York Yankees, you've just won the World Series — what are you
      going to do now?" "We're going to buy Disneyland!" (Janice Hough)

      The Chicago Cubs have become the first pro sports team to have an
      openly gay part owner, Laura Ricketts. But that's if you don't count
      the Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis who is always looking for ways to
      screw his players. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Ex-NBA referee Tim Donaghy has to finish out his 15-month sentence to
      jail because he was busted for being AWOL from his halfway house.
      Sounds like a traveling violation to me. (Bob Moliter)

      Shaquille O'Neal made his debut as a Cleveland Cavalier in Cleveland
      this past week. He also applied to be a deputy sheriff. How can the
      government say there's no inflation when a man making thirty million
      dollars a year is forced to work two jobs? (Argus Hamilton)

      Another Saturday of college football. The Alabama Crimson Tide faces
      their toughest test so far this season. Their crafts teacher is giving
      them a quiz on knitting. (Alan Ray)

      Shaq has applied to be a deputy sheriff in Cleveland. You know times
      are tough when even the superstars are getting second jobs. (Greg Cote)

      Shaquille O’Neal has applied to become a special deputy in Ohio. He
      has unlimited weapons privileges. The only things he can’t shoot are
      free throws. (Alan Ray)

      L.A. fans are finally getting their wish for a freeway playoff series.
      But, Chivas USA vs. Galaxy likely wasn't the first matchup that leaped
      to mind. (Jim Alexander)

      The Chiefs have put running back Larry Johnson on the physically-
      unable-to-think list. (Jim Armstrong)

      That 800-mile long golf course is finally opening along the south
      Australian coast. And let me tell ya, folks, nothing tests a golfer
      quite like seeing a sign that says, "Next Port-O-Let, 62 miles." (Dan
      Daly)

      Michael Jordan's son Marcus wore Air Jordans in a Central Florida
      basketball gamespurring Adidas to drop its sponsorship deal with the
      school. Remember, kids, there is no 'I' in team, but there is 'me' in
      money. (Steve Rosenbloom)

      Usain Bolt, the world's fastest man, adopted the world's fastest cat,
      a cheetah, as part of a conservation effort. This cat gently rubs up
      against your legs at 82 miles per hour. (Jerry Perisho)

      Voters in Ohio approved a measure that will allow casinos in
      Cleveland. So now there will be another way to lose your money in
      Cleveland besides betting on the Browns. (Jay Leno)

      Serena Williams set a record for single-season prize money in women's
      tennis, earning $6.5 million so far this year. Serena may have won the
      most money, but Andre Agassi is the one who played all year without
      ever going to sleep. (Jerry Perisho)

      The New York Post printed up posters of the Phillies' pitcher Pedro
      Martinez as a "baby in diapers" with the phrase, "Who's your Daddy?!"
      "Who's Your Daddy?", isn't that this year's slogan for the NBA? (Jerry
      Perisho)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      HBO is running a documentary about the election of Barack Obama called
      "By the People." "By the People." It's all about the election of
      Barack Obama and after this, they have a documentary about the
      election of George W. Bush. It's called, "By Mistake." (David Letterman)

      ABC's series V premiered Tuesday about a charismatic leader who comes
      from nowhere to charm American voters. He turns out to be a
      totalitarian space lizard who intends to eat them. Halfway through
      lunch the lizard dies belly-up from E. coli and swine flu. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      Big new holiday movie. It's the new Christmas Carol, it opens on
      Friday. And Dick Cheney saw it already and loved it and through the
      whole movie he was yelling, "Go Scrooge, come on, Scrooge, go
      Scrooge!" (David Letterman)

      "Michael Jackson's This is it" topped the box office over the weekend.
      In second place was "Paranormal Activity." Many people at the
      multiplex accidentally entered the wrong theatre, sat through
      "Paranormal Activity," and didn't know the difference. (Doug Austin)

      Happy 40th birthday to "Sesame Street." It's getting so old, it's now
      being brought to you by the letters A, A, R, and P. (Jimmy Fallon)

      "American Idol" runner up Adam Lambert and his longtime interior
      designer boyfriend broke up last week. There's going to be a nasty
      custody battle for the eye liner. (Jerry Perisho)

      In a new interview with British GQ, Nicole Kidman says that she has
      "explored strange sexual fetish stuff" in the past. There's "regular
      strange"; there's "kinky strange"; and then there's Tom Cruise. (Jerry
      Perisho)

      Jessica Simpson said in a magazine that she loves intellectual men.
      Don't feel discouraged; for Jessica, an intellectual man is someone
      like President Bush. (Pedro Bartes)

      Director Barry Levinson of "The Natural," "Rain Man" and "Good Morning
      Vietnam," has a new film coming out called "PoliWood." I'm not sure if
      it's about politics in Hollywood, or George Washington's denture
      cream. (Frank King)

      Supermodel Gisele Bundchen passed the written exam for her pilot's
      license. When Gisele is at the controls, she prefers to fly by the
      seat of her thong. (Jerry Perisho)

      MEDIA & THE INTERNET

      During the middle of his show, Fox News commentator Glenn Beck was
      rushed to the hospital for an attack of appendicitis. Yeah.
      Apparently, Beck was crying and screaming incoherently, so his
      audience assumed everything was normal. (Conan O'Brien)

      Controversial TV host Lou Dobbs announced today that he was leaving
      CNN and would soon be joining the primetime lineup of The Cartoon
      Network. Mr. Dobbs will be joining a schedule that includes such
      programs as Tom and Jerry and What's New, Scooby-Doo? (BorowitzReport.com
      )

      ESPN commentator Steve Phillips has been fired for having an affair
      with a young woman that he worked with. He has checked himself into a
      rehab facility for sex addiction. Well, it's pretty serious, too. I
      understand he's in the John Edwards wing. (Jay Leno)

      On Fox News Sunday, Rush Limbaugh called President Obama the "man-
      child president," "immature, inexperienced, in over his head." Wow, a
      high school graduate says all that about the President of the United
      States. I just might have to listen to him sometime. Face it, there
      are days when we all need a laugh. (Joe Hickman)

      CNN is now in last place in ratings for all the cable networks. In
      fact, the only reason people tune in any more is to see if Larry King
      is still breathing.

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Chaz Bono has completed sex change surgery that has made Cher's former
      daughter now her son. When asked what it was like to be completely
      different than how he was born, Bono said "Have you taken a look at my
      mother?"

      Kate Gosselin was ticketed for going 70 miles an hour in a 55-mile-an-
      hour zone. Apparently, she was speeding because she doesn’t want to
      miss the last seconds of her 15 minutes of fame. (Pedro Bartes)

      EDUCATION

      A study says that fantasy sports can help increase math test scores.
      Of course, most math students are only capable of competing in fantasy
      sports anyway. (Jim Barach)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      I've never understood Japanese dining. I always thought it was a put-
      on. "Let's see if we can get these people to eat raw fish with sticks,
      and then get them to drink hot wine, and then we'll make them sit on
      the floor without shoes. …" (Craig Ferguson)

      Tomorrow, of course, Halloween. I read today over 600 million pounds
      of candy will be given away this year or as Glenn Beck calls that,
      "just another Obama socialist giveaway. That's what it is!" (Jay Leno)

      Here, of course, we celebrate Halloween. In Mexico they call it what?
      "Day of the Dead," where people believe the dead rise and walk the
      earth again. Or, as folks at Acorn call it, the "Voter Registration
      Day." (Jay Leno)

      President Obama personally helped pass out candy at the White House on
      Halloween. The Republican headline – "Obama actions lead to childhood
      obesity." (Janice Hough)

      Even the Obamas got into the Halloween spirit. They handed out dried
      fruit to 2,000 trick or treaters. And just like that, they created
      2,000 more Republicans. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Did you have a good Halloween? I saw Obama’s daughters going around
      the White House asking for candies and dressed up as Fox news
      reporters. (Pedro Bartes)

      OTHER NEWS

      After 82 years, the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade will have a new route!
      It will no longer travel down Broadway; instead, it will head down 7th
      and 6th Avenues. I remember the incident last year where they kept
      trying to tie down Kirstie Alley and Kevin Federline. (Jerry Perisho)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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