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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-31-09

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-31-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK This weekend, President Obama declared a national emergency in response to the
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 31, 2009
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-31-09
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      This weekend, President Obama declared a national emergency in
      response to the growing threat of swine flu. In response to Obama’s
      declaration, the Republican leaders this morning came out in support
      of the swine flu. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama has been criticized for only playing sports with other
      men, so yesterday he played golf with one of his top female advisers.
      Or as Fox News reported it, “Obama Plays a Round With Another
      Woman.” (Jay Leno)

      It's been raining all day here in New York City. The visibility is so
      bad at LaGuardia, Northwest pilots can't even see their laptops.
      (Jimmy Fallon)

      Anyone here excited about the Yankees-Phillies World Series game?
      Here's the latest. Senator Charles Schumer of New York is betting
      Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter a case of New York cheesecakes
      versus a case of Philadelphia cheese steaks. So whoever wins the bet
      will die of a heart attack. (Conan O'Brien)

      The economic recession is hurting Louisiana’s American alligator
      industry. There is a sharp drop in world demand for alligator skin
      handbags, watch straps and belts. Louisiana may be eligible for
      federal gator aid. (Doug Austen)

      Sad news this weekend as Soupy Sales passed. The family has requested
      that in lieu of flowers, mourners send all that green paper in Mommy
      and Daddy's pockets in to the following address: (Robt Stupple)

      Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt has fired his estranged wife
      Jamie as the team’s chief executive, alleging that among other thing,
      she had an affair with her bodyguard. Maybe he’s just jealous that
      during the NLCS, Jamie may have scored more than the Dodgers. (Janice
      Hough)

      The former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin will be appearing on the
      Oprah Winfrey show next month. Sarah Palin and Oprah Winfrey have a
      lot in common. They both helped get Obama elected. (David Letterman)

      President Obama has played more golf in nine months than George Bush
      in nearly three years. Actually, Obama is a good golfer. Do you know
      what his handicap is? Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)

      NORTHWEST AIRLINES PILOTS

      A Northwest Airlines flight to Minneapolis overshot the airport by 150
      miles, landing in Wisconsin. The worst part is that the passengers
      were charged $50 on the airlines' new "overshoot fee". (Jim Barach)

      A Northwest Airlines plane, with more than 140 passengers onboard,
      sped 150 miles past their Minneapolis destination. The airline is
      investigating the case; they don’t know if they are going to charge
      the passengers an extra full ticket or only half for the 150 extra
      miles they were on the plane. (Pedro Bartes)

      The pilots, who took off from San Diego on their way to Minneapolis,
      somehow along the way, both dozed off. They overshot Minneapolis by
      150 miles. But they're saying they weren't asleep — they were busy
      working on their laptops. Well, that makes us feel a lot better.
      (David Letterman)

      A Northwest Airlines flight from San Diego to Minneapolis overshot the
      Minneapolis airport by about 150 miles Wednesday evening. The pilots
      say they were just following the passengers' luggage. (Jake Novak)

      Northwest Airlines was red-faced Friday after pilots on one flight
      overshot Minneapolis by one hundred fifty miles before circling and
      landing. The pilots may have gone to sleep. At least when they're
      drinking on the job the flight attendant comes into the cockpit every
      twenty minutes to refill their glasses and make sure they're awake.
      (Argus Hamilton)

      One of the pilots on a Northwest Airlines flight that overshot the
      Minneapolis Airport by 150 miles says no one was asleep in the
      cockpit. He says they purposely downed a lot of coffee to offset all
      the alcohol they were drinking. (Jim Barach)

      Those two pilots that sped 150 miles past their Minneapolis
      destination have been suspended. They got suspended because they were
      looking at their laptops instead of flying the plane. Think about this
      — everybody else on the plane has to turn off their laptops except for
      the people flying the plane. (Jay Leno)

      Finally there are answers as to why that Northwest Airlines jet flew
      150 miles past the Minneapolis airport. Their first excuse was lame:
      They were distracted by a kid flying by in a balloon. (Doug Austin)

      The indecision on landing in Minneapolis does suggest Brett Favre
      might have been involved. Since the plane overshot the airport by 150
      miles, however, Bill Littlejohn suggests that the NFL player in the
      cockpit might have been JaMarcus Russell. But had it been Russell, the
      FAA would have had no problem intercepting them. (Janice Hough)

      It turns out the pilots on the Northwest flight that overshot
      Minneapolis by 150 miles were too engrossed in their laptops to pay
      attention to the flight. In their defense the pilots say that if the
      airline hired hot stewardesses like they used to, they wouldn't have
      to spend so much time surfing Internet porn. (Jake Novak)

      Two Northwest Airlines pilots told investigators that they were using
      their laptops last week when their plane overshot its destination by
      150 miles. They just proved what we already knew; you can never be too
      busy, too distant, or too highly regulated to access porn. (Jerry
      Perisho)

      The latest on the Northwest pilots who overshot their destination is
      federal regulators have revoked their pilot licenses. They determined
      they acted far too "carelessly and recklessly" to transport
      passengers. And today Amtrak said, "We'll hire them." (Jay Leno)

      The latest on those two Northwest Airline pilots who flew 150 miles
      past their landing site is that they weren’t napping, they were using
      their laptops. Passengers knew they were in trouble when they heard,
      "Good afternoon. This is your captain tweeting..." (Conan O'Brien)

      The mystery surrounding the Northwest Airlines flight that strayed 150
      miles from its intended destination was resolved today as Northwest
      reported that the two pilots for the flight were never in the cockpit
      to begin with. "We found them safe at home, hiding in a box," said
      Northwest spokesperson Carol Foyler. "We're just glad that this story
      had a happy ending." (Andy Borowitz)

      The FAA has revoked the licenses of the two Northwest Airlines pilots
      who overshot the the runway in Minneapolis by 150 miles while they
      were on their laptop computers. The two pilots have been reassigned to
      Amtrak. (Jake Novak)

      The two pilots who were unreachable for over an hour and flew past
      Minneapolis have been suspended. And they may lose their jobs. On the
      brighter side, they could be offered the chance to do promotional
      spots for Verizon – “Can you hear me now? (Janice Hough)

      Northwest Airlines' new slogan: "(Ding!) You are now free to fly about
      the country. (Marc Ragovin)

      US Airways is cutting 1,000 jobs, most of the laid off workers are
      hoping to get new jobs selling laptops to pilots at Northwest
      Airlines. (Jake Novak)

      MEDICAL MARIJUANA

      The Obama administration ordered the Justice Department not to waste
      its resources going after medical marijuana users in medical marijuana
      legal states. There's no word on who made this decision, but Bogartin'
      Joe Biden was sure smiling to himself. So no more "Hail to the Chief."
      From now on it'll be "One Toke Over the Line." (Bill Williams)

      The White House announced Monday it won't enforce federal laws against
      medical marijuana stores. The eight hundred stores in Los Angeles have
      become a real crime problem. The police don't know what to do about
      the epidemic of driving too slow. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Obama Administration has issued a new policy on medical marijuana.
      Relaxed rules should have a dramatic impact on health care. Cases of
      glaucoma are expected to go up 3,000 percent. (Alan Ray)

      HALLOWEEN

      One of the top-selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of
      President Obama called "Barakula." Also very popular is the vampire
      version of former Vice President Dick Cheney called "Dick
      Cheney." (Conan O'Brien)

      The scariest costume for kids this Halloween? The Roman Polanski
      babysitter costume. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A Canadian company is offering a Balloon Boy costume for Halloween. It
      features a miniature silver alien balloon, a cardboard box to hide in
      and a giant douche bag to resemble the father, Richard Henne. (Alex
      Kaseberg)

      Halloween is coming up this weekend! This season’s most popular
      costume is a huge, inflated, aimlessly-drifting orb; it’s Balloon Boy.
      And, if that doesn’t work for you, just wear a little hat and you can
      go as Kevin Federline. (Jerry Perisho)

      Halloween sales are expected to drop as much as a billion dollars this
      year from last. Mostly because the most popular costume this year is a
      homeless person. Only it isn't a costume. (Jim Barach)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA & THE ADMINISTRATION

      They say President Barack Obama is playing a lot of golf. He’s played
      more golf in his few months in office than George Bush played in his
      eight years. To be fair, Bush played more mini golf. (David Letterman)

      President Obama met with Iraq's Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki
      Tuesday. He told the Iraqis that U.S. withdrawal is forthcoming. When
      Barack Obama announced he was running for president three years ago,
      he said he would have U.S. troops out of Iraq in thirty days, but
      people didn't understand yet that he only talks in Biblical days.
      (Argus Hamilton)

      Michelle Obama hosted a Healthy Kids Fair on the White House lawn,
      where she showed off what good shape she's in by keeping a hula-hoop
      spinning around her hips for 142 revolutions...Rush Limbaugh said,
      "See? I told she was a revolutionary." (The Comedy Wire)

      The White House pay czar has decided that no one at a bailed out bank
      can make more than $500,000 per year. If you think that's bad news for
      the Wall Street executives, think of what it's doing to New York's
      cocaine dealers and escort services! (Jake Novak)

      THE CONGRESS

      In an incredible display of bipartisanship today, the Senate voted
      100-0 to invoke cloture on Chris Matthews. (Marc Ragovin)

      After months of debate, a healthcare reform bill now exists! The new
      bill is called the Affordable Health Care for America Act." The bill's
      official title is actually HR-3692. 3692, of course, stands for the
      year they expect the bill to pass. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Washington Democrats unveiled their new 2,000-page healthcare reform
      bill today. It would guarantee health coverage for 96 percent of
      Americans. The other 4 percent would be given bus tickets to Canada.
      (Jay Leno)

      THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS

      A 66-year-old deputy U.S. attorney general in South Carolina named
      Roland Corning lost his job after police discovered him at a cemetery
      with an 18-year-old stripper, a bag of sex toys, and a bottle of
      Viagra. To be fair, people do grieve differently. (Jay Leno)

      Police in Colorado say they may still arrest the father of the
      "balloon boy" – but right now they're waiting because they need to
      gather more information. Because it's tough to prosecute a case when
      you only have 53 million witnesses. (Conan O'Brien)

      A judge in Maine has ruled that women, but not men, can jog naked in
      public, for you men who are making their mid-summer vacation plans.
      Turns out the law in Maine says an offence of appearing nude is
      committed only if the genitals are knowingly exposed in public. The
      judge says that women's genitals are primarily internal and therefore
      cannot be exposed. How did this come up at the trial of two women
      arrested for running nude? They won their case by asking just one
      question of the arresting police officer. He was asked whether he saw
      their genitals during the incident. "Not that I recall," he replied.
      Case closed. (Sydes)

      Police in Dallas stand accused of giving traffic tickets to motorists
      who did not speak English. Isn't that awful? If we did that in
      California we could balance the state budget in a week. (Jay Leno)

      In New York, a woman was charged with assault after spraying her cab
      driver with pepper spray. On the bright side, it was the closest thing
      the cabbie's had to a shower in months. (Jimmy Fallon)

      DEMOCRATS, REPUBLICANS & U.S. POLITICS

      Sarah Palin continued her feud with Levi Johnston today, saying he has
      a “desperate need for attention.” She added that she will explain
      further on Twitter, on her Facebook page and during her upcoming book
      tour. (Janice Hough)

      Sarah Palin says that she has received at least $1.25 million for her
      upcoming memoir “Going Rogue.” Talk about your cash for clunkers.
      (Doug Austin)

      Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton. The president wished her happy
      birthday and asked her what she wanted, and she said, “Your
      job.” (Craig Ferguson)

      Hillary Clinton enjoyed a sixty-two percent approval rating in the
      Gallup Poll Thursday, making her more popular than the president.
      Things have changed in ten years. The last time she outpolled the
      president, she was swinging a real pole at him. (Argus Hamilton)

      In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was
      proud that while he was in office he "didn't sell his soul," which is
      true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton.
      (Jay Leno)

      Yesterday, President George W. Bush made his debut as a motivational
      speaker. Afterwards, Bush said the crowd was so motivated many of them
      left halfway through. (Conan O'Brien)

      A new poll from CNN found that more than 70 percent of Americans said
      that Sarah Palin is not qualified to be president in 2012. When she
      heard that, she was like, "Yeah, but that still leaves 50
      percent." (Conan O'Brien)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      The economic recession is hurting Louisiana’s American alligator
      industry. There is a sharp drop in world demand for alligator skin
      handbags, watch straps and belts. Louisiana may be eligible for
      federal gator aid. Don’t confuse gator aid with the federal bailout of
      banks, big business and the auto industry, that’s a croc. (Doug Austin)

      Even cemeteries are feeling the recession. More people are being
      cremated than buried because of the cost. Also because they are afraid
      of being dug up when their burial plot is foreclosed. (Jim Barach)

      A study says that an increasing number of women are earning more than
      their husbands. Apparently it is a result of more pay for women, a
      greater sense of fairness in the workplace and the fact that half the
      men in this country are out of work. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS, & LABOR

      The Bank of America board says it's having a tough time finding a new
      CEO. It turns out all the best candidates are in jail. (Jake Novak)

      Charmin is offering a job which will pay $10k for five weeks to
      someone who wants to entertain people that are using a public restroom
      in Times Square and then blog about it. Why would they offer so much
      money? Larry Craig would do that job for free. (Pedro Bartes)

      GMAC needs another taxpayer bailout to the tune of $5.6 billion.
      That's $1 billion to bolster the company and $4.6 billion in bonuses
      for all the failed executives. (Jake Novak)

      Apple's profit is up 47% because of the iPhone craze. Coincidentally,
      auto accidents around the country are also up 47%. (Jim Barach)

      A Los Angeles sperm bank began marketing sperm of celebrity look-
      alikes Friday so recipients can make their child look like a star.
      It's a financial winner. It will save your kid a lifetime of plastic
      surgery and the need for a college education. (Argus Hamilton)

      Pepsi removed its new cellphone application which promised to help
      men pick up women by posting the most successful pick-up lines in a
      running poll. It really backfired on Pepsi. Offering a girl some Coke
      was the top pick-up line in Los Angeles. (Argus Hamilton)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      The U.S. government formally petitioned Switzerland to return Roman
      Polanski to California. Karma is so slow. He took an underaged girl
      and he sodomized her and now he's going to prison, which proves once
      again that what goes around comes around. (Argus Hamilton)

      A 35-year-old Illinois man has admitted banking more than $470,000 in
      paychecks from a New Jersey company he never worked for. He completely
      defrauded them and took money. You know where this guy could end up?
      Serving six years on the AIG board of directors. (Jay Leno)

      IMMIGRATION, SECURITY & TERRORISM

      FBI agents shot and killed an Muslim man yesterday who wanted to set
      up a radical, violent Islamic separatist state in the Detroit area.
      Great, the one guy who actually still wants to build something in
      Detroit, and he gets shot to death. (Jake Novak)

      Osama bin Laden’s first ex-wife has written a tell-all book about the
      terrorist. Not to go into too much detail about their sex life, but
      let’s say if Osama was a suicide bomber, he would go off before he got
      out his bedroom door. (Alex Kaseberg)

      MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

      Officials in Mexico discovered a secret tunnel under the U. S. border
      leading to San Diego, complete with electricity and an air supply.
      There is no telling how many Americans may have escaped to Mexico.
      (Jerry Perisho)

      EUROPE

      Police in Spain seized 160,000 fake Viagra pills, shipped from India
      and China, in one of Spain’s largest drug busts ever. Law enforcement
      was on high alert, but if they’d stayed on high alert for 4 hours or
      more, they are instructed to contact their physicians. (Jerry Perisho)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      President Obama has authorized $3.4 billion dollars for work on a
      “smart grid” for electricity. It’s called a smart grid because when
      you change your dial to Fox News, it shuts off the TV. (Frank King)

      Swedish researchers say that if you want a long life you have to marry
      a well-educated woman. Poor Roman Polanski, he is not going live long,
      because he likes them with only elementary school education. (Pedro
      Bartes)

      Doctors in California have approved medical marijuana in the treatment
      of hemorrhoids. Marijuana for hemorrhoids is ingested differently,
      let’s just say it’s OK to Bogart that joint, my friend, do not pass it
      over to me. (Alex Kaseberg)

      According to the American Medical Association, the number of deaths
      from hospital errors is four times the number of deaths from auto
      accidents. Do you know what that means? If you get into an auto
      accident, for God’s sake — don’t let them take you to a hospital. (Jay
      Leno)

      A study says the Internet can alter older brains in just one week.
      It's amazing how fast people pick up computer skills once they have
      discovered online porn. (Jim Barach)

      The Journal of Family Issues reported Thursday that the more housework
      you do, the more often you have sex with your spouse. That's nice.
      Next week's study shows the more times you're on the House floor the
      more often you have sex with someone else's spouse. (Argus Hamilton)

      Three pigs in Minnesota are said to have the swine flu. The best way
      to keep the illness from spreading is to turn them into cured bacon.
      (Doug Austen)

      THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      It's very unusual to see high winds like these here. On my way in to
      work, three different actresses splattered across my windshield- two
      Olsens and a Flockhart. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      SPORTS

      The St. Louis Rams lost yesterday to the Indianapolis Colts. The Rams
      are now 0-7. In fact, they’re so bad, the Rams called Rush Limbaugh
      collect and said: “Make us an offer. Anything, please.” (Jay Leno)

      In the NHL, the Toronto Maple Leafs are off to their worst start in
      history with no wins, seven losses and a tie. 0-7-1. Or as the Rams
      call that, something to aspire to. (Janice Hough)

      The Dodgers didn’t really lose to the Phillies, they just wanted to
      leave the playoffs early to avoid traffic. (Alex Kaseberg)

      For the Olympic Committee, it really came down to one simple question,
      "Where do you want to spend your summer vacation — the land where
      supermodels invented the bikini wax, or the land where fat guys
      invented deep-dish pizza?" (Bill Maher)

      Just wondering: When Lingerie Football League players get released, do
      they get an actual pink slip? (Dwight Perry)

      BCS rant of the week. Okay, Alabama came a blocked field goal away
      from losing to a mediocre Tennessee team, and jumps to number 1? USC
      makes a big point of saying how they won’t get blindsided by lowly
      Oregon State, again, wins only by six points, and jumps from 7 to 4?
      And Florida doesn’t cover the spread against Mississippi State and
      stays at 2. In the meantime Cincinnati with a backup quarterback
      knocks off Louisville by 38, and they end up falling three spots to 8.
      But yeah, we can’t have a playoff because a few extra weeks would
      adversely affect academics for the student athletes involved. Right,
      which means the FSU players who tested at a second grade reading level
      would slip down to first? (Janice Hough)

      The good news for Oakland Raiders coach Tom Cable is he will not face
      assault chargers for punching an assistant; the bad news for Cable? He
      still has to be the coach of the Oakland Raiders. (Alex Kaseberg)

      When I saw the headline "No Charge for Cable," I knew the story wasn't
      about Cablevision. (Len Berman)

      Golf's annual money leaders: Tiger Woods, followed by whoever's just
      played Michael Jordan. (Argus Hamilton)

      Hear about the Major League Soccer special down at Men's Wearhouse?
      Each new suit comes with 11 ties. (Dwight Perry)

      Michael Jordan's son, Marcus, is wearing Air Jordans instead of
      Central Florida's Adidas shoes. This is in keeping with a fine family
      tradition of putting corporate loyalty before all else. (Ann Killion)

      Michael Jordan's son Marcus could cost his UCF basketball team $3
      Million in sponsorship money. He refuses to wear Adidas who contracts
      with the school. If it comes down to $3 Million or Marcus Jordan and
      shoes, he will be wearing flip flops in the bleachers. (Jim Barach)

      It turns out the Mets owners actually made $48 million investing with
      Bernie Madoff, but they may have to pay that back. The Mets are hoping
      that in lieu of cash, prosecutors will accept two overpaid infielders
      and an ineffective reliever. (Jake Novak)

      First lady Michelle Obama and second lady Jill Biden were at game one
      of the World Series in New York tonight. They went because Michelle
      loves baseball, and Mrs. Biden loves getting out of the house. (Jimmy
      Fallon)

      Napa police said they didn’t think they had enough evidence to get a
      conviction. And Tom Cable will apparently not be disciplined by the
      NFL for the incident that resulted in his ex-assistant Randy Hanson
      ending up with a broken jaw. In the meantime, the league, ever
      vigilant, has fined Ocho Cinco $10,000 for last week’s game, when he
      wore the wrong color chin-strap. (Janice Hough)

      A Philadelphia woman allegedly offered to trade sex for World Series
      tickets for herself and her husband. That’s a tough one for men –
      would you let your wife have sex with another man if you got Series
      tickets out of it? Well, at least that’s one worry Cubs fans don’t
      have. (Janice Hough)

      The difference between football and baseball record-keepers, in a
      nutshell: • NFL: Patriots' Tom Brady throws record five TD passes in
      one quarter vs. Titans. • MLB: Besides that, it was also a record for
      a right-hander on artificial turf in a day game in snow in October.
      (Dwight Perry)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Magician David Copperfield was granted a six-month delay in a sexual
      assault lawsuit filed against him by Miss Washington. If he's
      convicted, will it really do any good to lock him up? (Jerry Perisho)

      The number one movie at the box office this weekend was “Paranormal
      Activity, ” a low-budget horror film about a couple that sets up a
      camera in their bedroom at night. The last huge money-maker with this
      same premise starred Paris Hilton, didn’t it? (Jerry Perisho)

      The movie “Paranormal Activity” brought in $21 million over the
      weekend — amazing since it only cost $35 to make. They said it cost 15
      grand to make. I don’t think they should charge the same ticket price
      for a movie that cost less than a Korean automobile. The guy who made
      it shot the whole movie in his house using his friends as actors. He
      couldn’t afford special effects so he actually had to kill his friends
      at the end of the movie. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      So that biopic of long-lost aviator Amelia Earhart is out. I don’t
      wanna give away the ending, but it turns out she was in training for
      Northwest Airlines. (Marc Ragovin)

      Disney is now offering refunds to unsatisfied customers who bought its
      “Baby Einstein” videos, after it admitted they do not turn babies into
      geniuses. They also admitted that Tinkerbelle can’t really fly and
      that they have absolutely no idea what species Goofy is. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Walt Disney Company is offering refunds for their “Baby Einstein”
      videos since they haven’t been proven to increase a baby’s intellect.
      Although the “Baby Jackson Pollock” videos appear to be a success.
      (Dora Glasberg)

      Comedian Soupy Sales has died at age 83. He estimated that in his
      career he was hit with 25,000 pies. Coincidentally, that is the same
      number of pies that Kirstie Alley has eaten. (Jim Barach)

      Amy Winehouse debuted her new breasts at an awards show by wearing a
      low-cut red dress. Judging by what I saw, Amy could have made it
      possible for Balloon Boy to have flown with a friend. (Jerry Perisho)

      MEDIA & THE INTERNET

      Have you heard about that new networking website just for middle-age
      divorcees? It’s like Twitter but it’s called: Bitter. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The White House says that Fox news is a Republican mouthpiece geared
      towards making money. The other networks were shocked. There's a news
      operation that is still making money? (Jim Barach)

      CNN's Lou Dobbs recently had to call the police because someone fired
      shots at his home. Dobbs said he didn't see or hear the shooter, but
      described him as Hispanic. (Conan O'Brien)

      MSNBC's Contessa Brewer made an embarrassing mistake on the air last
      week. She called Jesse Jackson, “Al Sharpton.” Even worse than that,
      after he told her, "I'm Jesse Jackson," she said, “Are you the one
      that is in between Jermaine and Tito?” (Jay Leno)

      A study conducted for League of American Voters last week said that
      almost 50 percent of those who watch Fox News regularly claim they are
      Democrats or independents. Translation, almost half of Fox viewers
      would never tell the truth to a “commie pinko” government survey.
      (Janice Hough)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Apparently Jon Gosselin has agreed to star in a reality show in which
      he’ll date Octomom Nadya Suleman. Presumably there are some pre-
      conditions to be worked out first on both sides, like mandatory
      sterilization. (Janice Hough)

      Donald Trump’s daughter was married yesterday at one of her father’s
      golf courses, and she converted to Orthodox Judaism. Of course, as
      soon as she became Jewish, she was kicked off the golf course. (Jay
      Leno)

      The Miss California pageant organization is suing Carrie Prejean for
      the cost of her breast implants; Prejean’s attorney thinks this is
      just a legal ploy to upset Prejean, or as he calls it: a booby trap.
      (Alex Kaseberg)

      Lindsay Lohan was 90 minutes late for her court appearance on a D.U.I.
      Ninety minutes late. And her panties didn’t show up at all. (Alex
      Kaseberg)

      EDUCATION

      The University of Chicago wants to house the Barack Obama Presidential
      Library. It will be just like George W. Bush’s library, except it will
      have books. (Jimmy Fallon)

      RELIGION

      In a bid to attract conservative Anglicans, the Catholic Church
      yesterday made the surprise announcement that Anglicans are free to
      join and are welcomed in the Roman Catholic Church. In its response
      today, the Anglican Church reminded the world of its long-standing
      policy that Catholics are free to go to Hell. (Jeff Showell)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      A new study suggests males who voted for John McCain experienced drops
      in testosterone levels once the election results were announced. They
      did, however, continue to suck in their guts whenever Sarah Palin was
      around. (Todd Long)

      OTHER NEWS

      A woman in Malaysia got free air travel for life after she gave birth
      during a flight. I don't know, I don’t think you should be rewarded
      for having a baby on a plane. You should be rewarded for sitting next
      to someone having a baby on a plane. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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