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Weakly Humerus News 10-17-09

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-17-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK When Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 17, 2009
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-17-09


      When Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel
      Prize, he was speechless. So, it's already doing some good. (Jay Leno)

      The Republicans still can't believe that Barack Obama won the Nobel
      Peace Prize. And the Democrats can't believe that Sarah Palin wrote a
      book. So, it's even. (Jay Leno)

      The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry went to John McCain and Sarah
      Palin. (David Letterman)

      Poor David Letterman. Remember the good ol' days when the only woman
      who hated Letterman was Sarah Palin? (Alex Kaseberg)

      What do the Yankees call a $1250 seat? Half Price. (Bill Shaikin)

      Royals first baseman Billy Butler became the first big-leaguer since
      1900 to hit three two-baggers in a game four times in the same season,
      a quadruple triple double. (Elias Sports Bureau)

      A fan at the University of Minnesota's new TCF Bank Stadium got so
      unruly during last week's Gophers-Wisconsin game that police had to
      repeatedly use a Taser on him. More charges are pending. (St. Paul
      Pioneer Press)

      City officials of Hiroshima and Nagasaki are planning a bid to jointly
      host the 2020 Olympics. I'm telling ya, there is gonna be a lot of
      fallout over this. (Marc Ragovin)

      The L.A. Dodgers had Hugh Hefner and three playmates recite the Dodger
      Stadium code of conduct for fans before Wednesday's game. What a
      mistake. When one of the girls told the crowd not to interfere with
      balls in play they couldn't restore order for ten minutes. (Argus

      If the Bud Light Football infomercial guy hooked up with the
      Progressive Insurance lady, together they could spawn the most
      annoying human on the planet. (Alex Kaseberg)


      Bomb the Moon. Win a Peace Prize. What kind of message are we sending
      kids? (Will Durst)

      Hey, did you see what happened today? President Obama won another
      Nobel prize today, this time in medicine, for pretending to give up
      smoking. (Jay Leno)

      President Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. The
      committee believes he did enough for World Peace. He prevented Sarah
      Palin from becoming our vice president! (Pedro Bartes)

      A few new Nobel prizes. For Joe Biden, if he can ever learn to shut up
      – "The Nobel Cease Prize." For Captain "Sully" Sullenberger – "The
      Nobel Geese Prize." For AIG - "The Nobel Fleece Prize." For Conan
      O'Brien's hair – "The Nobel Grease Prize." (Janice Hough)

      Why Obama won: It was a toss-up when Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace
      Prize. The goal this year was to encourage someone with great
      potential who hasn't yet delivered on his promises. The Nobel
      Committee couldn't decide between Obama and any of a billion newborn
      babies. Ultimately he won because it was felt he would deliver a
      better acceptance speech. (Scott Witt)

      President Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. The
      award was based on Obama's power to unite people, especially all
      Republicans against him. (Pedro Bartes)

      Obama was notified that he was the winner when the folks from
      Publishers Clearing House showed up at his door. -- The Nobel judges
      recognize the president's restraint in not bombing Rio following the
      Olympics' announcement. (Mark Russell)

      President Barack Obama has won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. Obama
      couldn't be in Oslo to accept the Peace award because he was too busy
      twisting the arms of Blue Dog Democrats, sniping at Fox News, and
      crashing and rockets into the surface of the moon. (Frank King)

      After President Obama won he Nobel Peace Prize, Republicans are
      wondering what on earth he might win if he actually does something.
      Oh, I dunno -- how about another four years? (Joe Hickman)

      Cracker Jack's new slogan: "Now more Nobels in every box." (Marc


      President Obama will host a conference with leaders from the nation's
      564 American Indian tribes on Nov. 5. Hey, at least he'll be able to
      smoke. ( Jerry Perisho)

      President Obama wants to put an end to the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"
      policy in the military not to be confused with Dick Cheney's policy,
      "Don't Look, Don't Aim." (David Letterman)

      President Obama hosted a basketball game at the White House Thursday
      night for several members of Congress and his Cabinet. Every time a
      player shouted “back door, back door”, Joe Biden answered, “Yeah,
      yeah, I’ll go out the way I came in.” The only double-dribble happened
      every time John McCain tried to drink from the Gatorade bottle. The
      referee warned team captain Sonia Sotomayor, “This is your final
      period”, and she replied, “Oh, I haven’t had one of those in years.”
      At the end of the game, the score was tied, so the Supreme Court had
      to declare a winner. (Jerry Perisho)

      President Obama went to New Orleans today to check up on the
      rebuilding efforts after Hurricane Katrina. When President Bush heard
      about it, he said, "There was a hurricane in New Orleans?" (Jay Leno)

      President Barack Obama called on Congress Wednesday to approve $250
      payments to more than 50 million seniors. And you know that if they
      pay as fast as the last rebate check, we will only need to send the
      money to half of those seniors. (Pedro Bartes)

      It was announced last night that President Obama wants to send $250
      checks to over 57 million American seniors. When he heard the news,
      John McCain was like, "Forget everything I said, this guy's
      awesome!" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State, says she will eventually retire
      and will not be running for president ever again, unlike George W.
      Bush, who retired as soon as he was elected president. (David Letterman)

      Some reporters claim that Bo, the presidential puppy, recently left a
      present on the presidential jet. The media reported also that Bo later
      blamed Biden. (Pedro Bartes)

      Halloween is a couple of weeks away. Why do kids hate going up to Joe
      Biden’s house? If you ask him “trick or treat?”, it takes him 30
      minutes to answer. (Alan Ray)


      A Republican senator from Maine voted with the Democrats on health
      care? That's the first time a Republican switched sides and was not
      arrested in an airport bathroom. (Craig Ferguson)

      Well, here's some news. President Obama's healthcare plan passed the
      Senate Finance Committee. Republicans are disappointed because they
      had their own version of the health plan. That was going to be swine
      flu masks and Purell. (David Letterman)

      The healthcare bill passed the Senate Finance Committee by a vote of
      14-9. The Bill cost over $800 billion. And that's just what lobbyists
      had to give to members of Congress. (Jay Leno)

      Republicans are now planning to filibuster President Obama's health-
      care plan. You know, it is a legislative device. A guy gets up and
      talks all night without really saying anything. It's like having
      dinner with Regis. (David Letterman)


      Alaskans each received a thirteen-hundred-dollar check Thursday as
      their share of Alaska's oil revenues. Environmentalists want to keep
      it a secret. If California had this arrangement children would be
      building oil rigs on the beaches instead of sand castles. (Argus

      California First Lady Maria Shriver has apologized for being caught
      using her cell phone while driving. Unfortunately, she apologized via
      text while driving a school bus. (Conan O'Brien)

      Marijuana activists in California are determined to get enough
      signatures for a proposal on the ballot to legalize pot. In fact,
      they're going to get right on that just as soon as "Scooby Doo" is
      over. (Conan O'Brien)

      Colorado will become the first state ever to lower its minimum wage by
      3 cents an hour, from $7.28 to $7.25. As a compromise, Colorado
      workers will be allowed to leave work 9 seconds earlier. Wal-Mart
      employees were like, "There's a minimum wage?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford's driver was pulled over for
      speeding by a state trooper. When asked why he was driving 85 mph, the
      driver said it was a long ways to Argentina. (Jim Barach)


      A New York man was arrested last week after allegedly scheduling an
      appointment with a telemarketer and then punching him. The
      telemarketer waited until dinner time and then called the police.
      (Conan O'Brien)

      An Indiana couple is celebrating their 80th wedding anniversary. The
      traditional wedding gift on the 80th anniversary is CPR. (Jim Barach)

      A woman in Idaho was not injured after she accidentally ate her
      hearing aid, thinking it was a Milk Dud. That's not the worst of it;
      last week she mistook a tube of Superglue for her Preparation H.
      (comedy writer Jerry Perisho)


      Sarah Palin's 400-page memoir due in November; she says she "can't
      wait" to read it. (PNN News)

      Palin's book: "All the moose that's fit to print!" (Gil Stern)

      Arizona GOP Congressman Jeff Flake came back Tuesday from a week-long
      vacation totally alone on a tiny Pacific desert island. He was really
      roughing it. He slept for seven nights with nothing between him and
      the hard ground but a thin native girl. (Argus Hamilton)


      Social Security is the government's most popular program. A couple of
      years ago, President Bush wanted to privatize Social Security and put
      all the money in the stock market. That would have worked out. That
      would be like hiring Michael Vick to look after your dog! (Craig

      For the first time in a year, the Dow closed above 10,000. You know
      what that means? More A.I.G. bonuses! (Jay Leno)

      A survey says that 75% of adults who are not retired yet say they plan
      to work daily when they do retire. The other 25% say they can get by
      without working as long as they cut back on some items. Like food and
      housing. (Jim Barach)


      54% of all the companies in America are banning facebook and twitter
      at work. As long as they don’t ban looking at porn, everybody is ok.
      (Pedro Bartes)

      Microsoft's next operating system, Windows 7, comes out next Thursday.
      Hard to believe that one week from today, I'll be on the phone with
      tech support. (Tim Hunter)

      A report says ATM fees are rising again. What's it called when you are
      robbed by a crook at an ATM kiosk? Redundant. (Alan Ray)

      The nation's biggest labor unions are now turning against the
      Democrats' health care reform bill. Union leaders soured on the plan
      when they learned that even with free health care, you still have to
      show up at the doctor's office on time. (Jake Novak)

      All Nippon Air told passengers Tuesday to empty their bladders before
      boarding to lighten the airplane and save fuel. Let's hope this
      doesn't catch on. It just means more witnesses in the men's room the
      next time Larry Craig wants to meet somebody. (Argus Hamilton)

      Polaroid cameras are making a comeback! They will go back on sale in
      mid-2010, less than two years after the company folded. It should be a
      lot of fun to see what develops. (Jerry Perisho)


      I hear Bernie Madoff got into a fight with a fellow inmate. The inmate
      tried to collect the 168 million cigarettes Madoff owes him. (Bill


      Monday was Columbus Day, which means many conservatives coud use the
      day off from work to continue their protests against illegal
      immigrants. (Janice Hough)

      The Treasury Department said yesterday that the Taliban is much better
      funded than al Qaeda. Al Qaeda said they would have done better if
      they had not invested everything with Bernie Madoff. (Jimmy Fallon)


      John McCain said not sending enough troops to Afghanistan would be an
      error of historic proportions. And if anyone knows about historic
      errors, it's the man who chose Sarah Palin for his running mate.
      (Janice Hough)

      Headlines: "Troops in Afghanistan to don Vietnam throwback
      uniforms" (Ironic Times)

      The big question with troops in Afghanistan is, How soon can we expect
      a decision from President Obama? I don't think it's going to happen
      anytime soon. Remember — it took five months to decide on a puppy.
      (Jay Leno)


      People in Japan are learning to speak English by listening to
      President Obama's speeches. Expect Japanese people to make tons of
      promises that are very hard to fulfill. (Pedro Bartes)

      Anthropologists say China's "one-child" policy has created a sub-
      culture of 30 million men who will be unable to find wives. Or, as
      they're called in America, "Trekkies." (Todd Long)


      Researchers in Finland have found that women who eat large amounts of
      licorice while pregnant run the risk of having children with decreased
      intelligence. Well, that's an interesting twist. (Bill Mihalic)

      Health insurance companies are claiming that over the next decade,
      Senate legislation will result in families paying thousands more a
      year for their premiums. As opposed to the status quo, where they will
      end up paying tens of thousands more for their premiums. (Janice Hough)

      An American woman born with half a brain has wowed medical staffers by
      being able to speak and graduate from high school… and also by the way
      she manages herself as a Fox News reporter! (Pedro Bartes)


      They're actually getting rain in Los Angeles. The last time it
      actually rained in Los Angeles... NBC had a hit show! (Tim Hunter)


      Alex Rodriguez wants to play the Dodgers in finals. Apparently, he
      wants Kate Hudson to ask Manny Ramirez for tips on how to deal with
      hormonal changes now that she is pregnant. (Pedro Bartes)

      The Los Angeles Dodgers swept the St. Louis Cardinals in three games
      to win the National League Divisional Series in St. Louis Saturday.
      The TV ratings were huge. President Obama watched all three games and
      was named the series Most Valuable Player. (Argus Hamilton)

      If Oakland Raiders Coach Tom Cable is indicted for assault after
      allegedly punching an assistant, NFL Commissioner could issue a
      suspension. If the commissioner wants to punish him, shouldn't he just
      make him coach the Raiders. (Keith Olbermann)

      Oakland Raiders coach Tom Cable may be disciplined by the N. F.L. for
      hitting an assistant. He will remain with the team for the rest of the
      season. Legal experts say that's punishment enough. (Alan Ray)

      Junior Seau is returning from retirement for a third time to the New
      England Patriots. If the Patriots and Vikings make to the Super Bowl,
      we can only pray they don't send Seau and Favre out to call the coin
      toss. (Janice Hough)

      Dodgers owners Frank and Jamie McCourt are divorcing. The big sticking
      point, neither one of them wants custody of Manny Ramirez. (Jerry

      Rush Limbaugh is reportedly looking into buying the NFL St. Louis
      Rams. On his team's offense, everyone will line up to the right of the
      center. (Jim Barach)

      In sports news, the big story is the N.F.L. now stands for "Not For
      Limbaugh." Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has been dropped
      from a group of investors who were trying to buy the St. Louis Rams.
      Speculation was that Limbaugh was considered by the league to be too
      controversial, you know, unlike Michael Vick, Pacman Jones, coach Tom
      Cable, Plaxico Burress. The N.F.L. hates controversy. Hey, some good
      news for Rush. The Oakland Raiders are offering to give him the team
      for free.(Jay Leno)

      Rush Limbaugh, who is trying to buy the St. Louis Rams, has downplayed
      racial comments that he's made in the past by saying if he was a
      racist, why would he want to be part of a business that is 70% African
      American? Well, I don't know. Maybe because you would own them? Think
      that has anything to do with it? (Jay Leno)

      If Rush Limbaugh buys a pro football team, its most popular plays will
      be the "Statue of Liberty" and, of course, the "Hail Mary." (Gil Stern)

      Conservative talk-show host Rush Limbaugh wants to buy a share of the
      St. Louis Rams. In a related story, Fox News called the Rams the
      greatest team of all time. (Lorne Chan)

      It was announced that golf and rugby will be added to the Olympic
      Games in 2016, though to save time they will be combined into one
      sport. (Seth Meyers)

      The Olympics have decided to add rugby and golf as sports in 2016.
      Well, it's probably about time Tiger Woods got some international
      exposure. (Janice Hough)

      Golf will be a new Olympic sport at the 2016 Games in Rio De Janeiro.
      In lieu of a medal, the winner gets a gold jacket. (Dwight Perry)

      Memphis is appealing the NCAA's decision to strip all the university's
      basketball wins in 2007-08 because their star player faked an SAT
      test. Yes, heaven forbid the one academic year that Derrick Rose spent
      at Memphis before he left for the NBA be tainted. (Janice Hough)

      As for claims the Tigers became the first team to blow a three-game
      lead with four games to go? "Well, not exactly true, that's exactly
      what the Yankees did with the Red Sox in the 2004 playoffs. (Len Berman)

      Dodgers owner Frank McCourt and his wife Jamie have separated, they
      announced on the eve of the National League Championship Series. She's
      reportedly demanding the stadium and sole custody of the rookies.
      (Dwight Perry)

      Did you see the Denver Bronco's throwback uniforms on Sunday? Man,
      those things were ugly! They looked less like throwback uniforms and
      more like throw-up uniforms! (Frank King)

      If the Yankees and the Dodgers meet in the World Series, the mayors of
      the two cities have one of those friendly wagers. If New York City
      wins, from California, we get a crate of avocados. If L.A. wins, we
      send them a litter of rats. (David Letterman)


      This David Letterman story won't go away. To give you an idea how bad
      the Letterman scandal is, Sarah Palin's daughter is making
      inappropriate Letterman jokes. (Alex Kaseberg)

      I’m not sure who is on Letterman tonight, but I am pretty sure it’s
      not his wife. (Alex Kaseberg)

      David Letterman apologized to his wife during his show for his many
      affairs with staffers. Apparently his wife is glad he just never
      brought his work home with him. (Jim Barach)

      Dave Letterman apologized to his wife on the air Tuesday and said he
      would try to fix his marriage. He vowed that he will never have sex
      with a co-worker again. This is the kind of loophole Bill Clinton used
      to look for in the Book of Deuteronomy. (Argus Hamilton)

      Roman Polanski is in a Swiss jail and is finishing work on his latest
      film from his cell. How about finishing his latest sentence? (Doug

      During an interview, Tina Fey confessed she was a virgin until she met
      her husband at 24, leaving people wondering how she could be so good
      at impersonating Sarah Palin then? (Pedro Bartes)

      Lindsay Lohan did a spot on “Laugh or Die” spoofing her eHarmony
      profile and the light hits her sheer mini skirt revealing, once again,
      Lindsay was not wearing panties. This is for the 14 people in the
      world who have not seen Lindsay’s vajay-jay. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will make an appearance on
      Donald Trump's "Celebrity Apprentice." It's part of Trump's plan to
      make his own hair look normal. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Barbara Streisand's new album "Love is the Answer" debuted number 1 on
      the Billboard charts. Streisand, who is 67, is the second oldest
      artist to have a number 1 album on the charts, following Bob Dylan.
      She is however the oldest artist to sing a number 1 album in English.
      (Jerry Perisho)

      A clump of Elvis Presley's hair from 1958 it goes up for auction in
      Chicago this week. They say it's perfectly preserved in his original
      Crisco. Some old lady will pay thousands just to slide her fingers
      through Elvis's clump. (Joe Hickman)

      Elvis Presley's hair strands will be sold at a Chicago auction
      Saturday. Women are lining up. Many people think that one day science
      will be able to clone people from hair, and what could be a safer
      longterm financial plan than being Elvis's mother. (Argus Hamilton)

      Hair salvaged from late pop legend Michael Jackson's scalp is going to
      be sold at an auction. Experts believe the hair will be sold for a lot
      of money, especially because the DNA can be used to solve tons of
      criminal cases. (Pedro Bartes)


      Fox News White House correspondent Major Garrett has the swine flu.
      President Obama has ordered Fox News quarantined for up to five years,
      as long as it takes! (Jay Leno)

      Marge Simpson is on the cover of the latest Playboy magazine. Despite
      the fact that she's a cartoon character, she still has more real body
      parts than the woman in the centerfold. (Jake Novak)

      Fox and Burger King are apologizing for making fun of Jessica
      Simpson’s weight during a skit aired in FOX NFL Sunday. Jessica is
      said to accept the apology as long as Burger King provides her with
      coupons for unlimited access to Triple Whoopers. (Pedro Bartes)

      Nominations for the American Music Awards are out. President Obama has
      already won in three of the categories. Not because of any songs, but
      because of what he intends to record. (Tim Hunter)

      Majority Of Newspapers Now Purchased By Kidnappers To Prove Date:
      Print journalism owes its solvency to the loyal hostage-takers still
      paying cover price. According to a report published this week in
      American Journalism Review, 93 percent of all newspaper sales can now
      be attributed to kidnappers seeking to prove the day's date in filmed
      ransom demands. "Although the vast majority of Americans now get their
      news from the Internet or television, a small but loyal criminal
      element still purchases newspapers at a steady rate," study author and
      Columbia journalism professor Linus Ridell said. "The sober authority
      of the printed word continues to hold value for those attempting to
      extort large sums of money from wealthy people who wish to see their
      loved ones alive again." (The Onion)


      A Bernie Madoff mask is being offered this Halloween. You just know
      that any kid who wears this mask will steal all the other kid's candy.
      (Doug Austen)

      Levi Johnston is going to pose for “Playgirl”. Apparently, he wants to
      exploit his 15 centimeters of fame. (Pedro Bartes)


      Yesterday morning, Pope Benedict named five new saints to the Catholic
      Church, though some are questioning whether Obama really deserved it.
      (Jimmy Fallon)


      Over the weekend, they held a big gay rights march in Washington, D.C.
      Tens of thousand of gay Americans of all political persuasions filled
      hotel rooms in D.C. Actually, it was just the Democrats in the rooms.
      The Republicans were still in the closet. (Jay Leno)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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