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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-10-09

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-10-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Is it me, or do you find it strange that the day Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 11, 2009
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-10-09
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Is it me, or do you find it strange that the day Obama wins the Nobel
      Peace Prize he launches a missile strike against the Moon? (steak and
      safety)

      NASA is shooting a rocket at the moon. The government says don’t
      worry; they’re pretty sure we’ll be greeted as liberators. (David
      Letterman)

      The Swiss denied bail for Roman Polanski, saying that they believe he
      is a flight risk. Wow, what was their first clue? (Janice Hough)

      Manny Ramirez's quest to climb the all-time home-run ladder is an
      exercise in fertility. (Gary Loewen)

      A new study found that 29% of adults in Denver would rather give up
      sex for a year than give up their cell phones. When you put that baby
      on vibrate, you pretty much have the best of both worlds. (Jerry
      Perisho)

      The swine flu vaccine is now available in an injection form, it's
      called a Pig in a Poke. (Robt Stupple)

      How long did the Twins-Tigers tie-breaker game go on? Since it
      started, Brett Favre retired and un-retired three more times. (Janice
      Hough)

      Congratulations to the Detroit Lions, they finally won after losing 19
      in a row. They beat the Washington Redskins. How embarrassing is that
      for the Redskins? That’s like losing Baby Sitter of the Month to Roman
      Polanski. (Alex Kaseberg)

      President Obama failed to get the Olympics for Chicago Friday. He's in
      a slump lately. He hung out with ACORN and they went down, he led
      Chicago's Olympic bid and it went down, and he did the David Letterman
      show and now the police are involved. (Argus Hamilton)

      Along with DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) orders, we're going to have to
      start giving our health care proxies DNB (Do Not Bankrupt) orders as
      well. (Paul Benoit)

      THE MOON

      Here is some very good news. At NASA, the countdown is on. After years
      of wasting taxpayer money on research to increase the quality of life
      here on Earth and all that rubbish, NASA is finally doing something
      cool. They're blowing up the moon! (Craig Ferguson)

      So they're going to attack the moon, and they're going to be looking
      for water. And I thought, well, that's pretty much sounds like our
      government — bomb first, look for evidence later. That's the way we do
      business. (David Letterman)

      This is a historic night — the United States is going to bomb the
      moon. This is what happens when you have a president whose slogan is,
      “Yes, we can.” Bombing seems like a bad idea. The moon has been very
      good to us. Why blow it up? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      NASA has sent a rocket basically to bomb the moon. They say it’s to
      detect the presence of ice. But the real reason? Once we bomb the
      moon, NASA hopes the government will be willing to spend billions of
      dollars there. (Janice Hough)

      Today marked the eighth anniversary of the start of the war in
      Afghanistan. So what NASA is doing, they're crashing a rocket, which
      will have the energy of two tons of T.N.T. It's part of NASA's new
      strategy: "What would Wile E. Coyote do?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      NASA bombed the moon, saying it was the one spot President Bush
      missed. (Andy Borowitz)

      SARAH PALIN

      There's been some squabbling in the Republican Party. In a recent
      interview, John McCain's former campaign manager said that if Sarah
      Palin is the Republican Party's presidential nominee, the results will
      be catastrophic as opposed to when she was the vice presidential
      nominee and everything went perfectly. (Conan O'Brien)

      On her Facebook page, Sarah Palin told President Obama that now is not
      the time for “second thoughts” about Afghanistan. And if anyone’s an
      expert on “second thoughts,” it’s the woman who served over half of
      her term as Governor. (Janice Hough)

      Sarah Palin's memoir Going Rogue has set a record for advance sales on
      Amazon. She only spent two weeks with a collaborator and two weeks
      with an editor and she's produced a bestseller. The Authors Guild is
      demanding she be burned as a witch. (Argus Hamilton)

      The cover of Sarah Palin's book has been released. And it features a
      picture of Palin gazing off into the distance deep in thought. The
      photographer said that capturing that one moment was the most
      rewarding 11 hours of his career. (Conan O'Brien)

      After her book, "Going Rogue" is released next month, Sarah Palin's
      next major project will be preparing her presidential resignation
      speech for 2014.

      PRESIDENT OBAMA & THE ADMINISTRATION

      President Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize. In a related story,
      Jets rookie QB Mark Sanchez has been elected to the NFL Hall of Fame.
      (Jake Novak)

      President Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday.
      Unfortunately, the ceremony was interrupted by Kanye West who told the
      committee that French president Sarkozy had a better record this year.
      (Jerry Perisho)

      President Obama has banned federal employees from texting while
      driving because he says it is distracting and could lead to accidents.
      Obama admitted he was texting behind the wheel when he picked Joe
      Biden for vice president. (Conan O'Brien)

      The big question with troops in Afghanistan is, How soon can we expect
      a decision from President Obama? I don’t think it’s going to happen
      anytime soon. Remember — it took five months to decide on a puppy.
      (Jay Leno)

      President Obama told a group of 150 doctors at the White House that
      "nobody has more credibility with the American people" on the health
      care issue than they do. Then he added, "So, I want you to shut the
      hell up!" ( Jerry Perisho)

      President Obama is proposing year round school with the elimination of
      summer vacation. That will teach his daughters to try to set up their
      Slip 'N Slide in the Oval Office. (Jim Barach)

      Tonight, President Obama hosted a basketball game at the White House
      for several members of Congress. He didn’t even want to play, he just
      wanted to see Congress pass something. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama hosted a basketball game at the White House Thursday
      night for several members of Congress and his Cabinet. At the end of
      the game, the score was tied, so the Supreme Court had to declare a
      winner. (Jerry Perisho)

      According to a recent poll, President Obama’s approval rating in
      California has dropped. It’s pretty bad. In fact, among Hollywood
      celebrities, it’s now down to just 99 percent. (Jay Leno)

      THE CONGRESS

      Congress is now considering giving $500 to every baby born in the
      United States. They want to promote savings. And listen to this. It's
      $1,000 if it turns out your congressman is your baby's father. (Jay
      Leno)

      Congressional Republicans received key backing today for their health
      care plan, picking up support from the National Association of
      Undertakers. The funeral directors' group, which represents
      undertakers, embalmers and hearse drivers across the country, gave the
      GOP plan a big thumbs up, saying in a press release, "Finally, a
      health care plan that works for us." (Andy Borowitz)

      The other day at a political fundraiser, Speaker of the House Nancy
      Pelosi got to meet actor Robert Redford, and witnesses say she was
      flirting with him. There was an awkward moment when Pelosi winked at
      Redford — and $4,000 worth of Botox squirted out. (Conan O'Brien)

      POLITICS & POLITICIANS

      The GOP is demanding an apology from a Democratic Congressman who,
      while speaking on the House floor, said Republicans want Americans to
      die. How sad that Democrats have sunk to the level of giving the GOP a
      taste of their own medicine. (Frank King)

      A lot of Americans are saying that the healthcare and financial
      debates show that when push comes to shove, Republicans and Democrats
      always take the side of the corporations that give them the most
      money. We should make politicians dress like race car drivers — when
      they get money, make them wear the company logos on their suit. (Jay
      Leno)

      Gee, if South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford had just waited a few
      months, he could have said he was going down to South America for
      something having to do with the Olympics. (Tim Hunter)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      A new report says the Federal Reserve is worried about the growing
      number of shaky commercial bank loans. Another new report says the
      Federal Reserve is more worried about the growing number of shaky bank
      executives. (Jake Novak)

      BUSINESS, & LABOR

      Starbuck’s is going to start selling instant coffee. This is for
      people who want the quality of Sanka, but want to pay the high
      Starbuck’s price. (Jay Leno)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      Michael Anderson Godwin spent several years awaiting South Carolina's
      electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence
      reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell
      attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was
      electrocuted. (News of the Weird)

      They arrested that guy who tried to sell naked video shots of
      beautiful sports reporter, Erin Andrews. The guy secretly filmed
      Andrews naked in her hotel room. Thank god this wasn’t the guy who
      tried to extort David Letterman. Who needs naked pictures of that?
      (Alex Kaseberg)

      The FBI filed charges against Michael Barrett for shooting peephole
      videos of ESPN's Erin Andrews naked in her hotel room. She was
      horrified when she saw the grainy video. When Roman Polanski heard
      she's thirty-one he told her to get another filmmaker. (Argus Hamilton)

      An Arizona man faces criminal charges for allegedly posing as a
      fertility doctor so he could sexually molest men while pretending to
      give them physical examinations. Fortunately for the guy, he won’t
      need to pretend he is a doctor in jail to get sperm donations. (Pedro
      Bartes)

      IMMIGRATION, SECURITY & TERRORISM

      Al Qaida is reportedly recruiting in the U. S. The suicide bomber
      openings are a bit misleading. They advertise "Short Hours." (Alan Ray)

      THE MILITARY

      President Obama's national security adviser just said that Obama is
      going to overturn the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." As a result,
      the signal for an enemy attack will change from "incoming" to "what's
      her problem?" (Conan O'Brien)

      NASA & SPACE

      The Spitzer Space Telescope has discovered the biggest but never-
      before-seen ring around the planet Saturn. It is a great
      accomplishment because the Spitzer usually only focuses on Uranus.
      (Pedro Bartes)

      NASA has downgraded the odds of an 885-foot asteroid, the Apophis
      asteroid, of hitting the world in 2036 to 1 in 250,000, which
      coincidentally, are also the odds of Sarah Palin becoming president by
      2036. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      EUROPE

      They now have a McDonald’s at the Louvre in France. They even have a
      drive through. Here’s how it works: You drive up and shout your order
      into Van Gogh’s good ear. (David Letterman)

      Poland has unveiled a new Roman Polanski star on its "walk-of-fame" in
      Warsaw. Maybe a Nazi death camp commander can be honored with the
      second star on their walk-of-fame. Roman Polanski is on the walk-of-
      fame? Who the heck is featured on "Poland's Most Wanted"? (Jerry
      Perisho)

      ASIA

      Today marks the eighth anniversary of the war in Afghanistan. Dick
      Cheney celebrated by champagne-boarding himself. Eight years! Just
      think — in five more years it will be old enough for Roman Polanski to
      have sex with it. (Jimmy Fallon)

      It was reported that Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is actually
      part Jewish and that his family changed their name. It’s true. His
      real name is Mark, ... Mark “Ahmadin-i-stein. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The latest rumor is that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is
      actually Jewish. When they heard this, millions of Jewish women
      immediately asked, "Is he single?” (Conan O'Brien)

      AUSTRALIA & THE PACIFIC ISLANDS

      Brothels in Australia will offer 50% discounts to any client over 60,
      in honor of the country’s national Seniors Week. Some of these old
      guys will blow their whole life savings. (Jerry Perisho)

      Here’s how the rest of the world is different from us. The police in
      Australia want to reduce alcohol-related crime at race tracks so they
      are limiting each spectator to just 24 cans of beer a day. Only 24 a
      day! I guess kids can still drink 12 cans. That’s OK. Newborn babies
      are limited to six cans. (Jay Leno)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      You can't call the swine flu swine flu anymore. It's now the H1N1
      virus. You know why this is? This is true. The pork lobby in
      Washington lobbied hard to get the name changed because they didn't
      want people to think you could get sick by eating pork. I mean, bacon
      will still kill you; you just won't get a runny nose. (Jay Leno)

      Three of the four makers of the swine flu vaccine confirmed that they
      have shipped the first batches of the drug. Like most major drug
      shipments to this country, they either came to a Florida beach on a
      high-speed power boat or through a tunnel under the US-Mexico border
      ( Jerry Perisho)

      The swine flu vaccine is here! The first batches just arrived. This
      morning, I bought a dime bag from my pharmacist. (Jerry Perisho)

      A new study shows that men 20 to 69 years old were three times as
      likely to have noise-related hearing loss as women. "Noise" was
      defined as "your wife trying to say stuff to you during the
      playoffs." (Neil Berliner)

      THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      It’s chilly outside my house, ... and chilly inside my house. (David
      Letterman)

      The Weather Channel forecast Monday El Nino will result in a freezing
      winter this year. It is already so cold that Britney is wearing
      underwear. (Pedro Bartes)

      SPORTS

      The baseball playoffs started Wednesday. All around the country, the
      price for clean urine is skyrocketing. (Jerry Perisho)

      The baseball playoffs have begun. The new Yankee Stadium has big signs
      pointing to fan restrooms. "For Subway, Exit Concourse B." (Alan Ray)

      Mayor Bloomberg was at the Yankees game last night. He was in one of
      those thousand-dollar seats ... a thousand dollars! To be fair, they
      threw in a phone book he could sit on. (David Letterman)

      The New York Yankees are in the playoffs against the Minnesota Twins.
      This will be good for Alex Rodriguez, it will take his mind off the
      fact that he found out it wasn’t he who got Kate Hudson pregnant, it
      was David Letterman. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Despite reports in Forbes magazine, Tiger Woods said he is not a
      billionaire. Guess he had a 401k too. (Janice Hough)

      Rush Limbaugh may purchase the St. Louis Rams. There could, however,
      be a hitch. Someone has to convince Rush you can’t play football
      without a left tackle. (Janice Hough)

      Napa police are still trying to decide whether or not to charge
      Raiders coach Tom Cable with felony assault after he allegedly broke
      assistant coach Randy Hanson’s jaw in an altercation during a meeting
      this summer. Maybe they can’t believe that anyone with the Raiders
      could actually deliver that big a hit. (Janice Hough)

      Yankees closer Mariano Rivera is death on hitters despite throwing his
      pet pitch — a cut fastball — 92 percent of the time. "You know what's
      coming, but you know what's coming in horror movies, too. It still
      gets you."" (Mike Sweeney)

      Chris Evert has been wed now to an Australian (Greg Norman), a Brit
      (John Lloyd) and an American (Andy Mill),which puts her only a
      Frenchman away from the matrimonial grand slam. Memo to Eva Longoria:
      Don't let Tony Parker out of your sight. (Dan Daly)

      Michael Vick has agreed to star in a new reality series that he’s
      hoping will help repair his image from his big dog fighting scandal. I
      don’t have a lot of details. The only thing I know is it won’t be on
      Animal Planet. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Olympic Committee has decided that the 2016 Olympics will not be
      in Chicago. It’s going to be in Rio de Janeiro. As a result, the 2016
      Olympics will be topless. (Conan O'Brien)

      You know what our mistake was? We shouldn’t have sent Obama to get the
      Olympic Committee’s votes. We should have sent ACORN. It would have
      been a landslide. (Jay Leno)

      Chicago is insisting the decision isn't final until the votes of dead
      IOC members are counted." (Brad Dickson)

      The saddest part about Chicago not getting the Olympics? Former Gov.
      Rod Blagojevich already sold 10 front row seats for a hundred grand
      apiece for the opening ceremonies. (Jay Leno)

      The Los Angeles Lakers’ Lamar Odom married reality TV star Khloe
      Kardashian this weekend; there were many famous celebrities at the
      wedding, none of which were the bride and groom. (Alex Kaseberg)

      I hope the NBA's replacement refs have access to the secret files, so
      they know which special favors to bestow on the superstars. Here's one
      for you guys: Whatever LeBron does is a foul on the other guy. (Scott
      Ostler)

      The NBA is banning players from posting on Twitter during games. I'm
      not worried about basketball players twittering during their sport,
      now NASCAR? They should ban their guys from Tweeting during races.
      "OMG, I just totally crashed into my pit crew. L. (Alex Kaseberg)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      David Letterman has been in the news after he confessed to
      horizontally jogging with his staff. His rival talk show hosts across
      most other channels have gone to town with racy and piquant one-liners
      on his contretemps. You can say that his rivals are subjecting him to
      a close screw-tiny! (N Kumar)

      The New York Post reported that David Letterman has a secret bedroom
      above the stage of the CBS Ed Sullivan Theater. No one was allowed in
      the room except him and the female employees he invited. The sign on
      the door reads Promotions Department. (Argus Hamilton)

      In the greatest example in history that turnabout is fair play, Bill
      Clinton is opening his act telling David Letterman jokes. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      During the show “So you think you can dance”, one of the contestants
      flashed her privates while dancing. And today Ellen Degeneres asked if
      it is too late to change her mind and become a judge of that show
      instead of Idol. (Pedro Bartes)

      Tom Delay had to quit “Dancing with the Stars” due to stress fractures
      in both feet. Guess the steps were more than his body could handle,
      for the first time ever the former House Republican Whip sometimes had
      to force himself to move to the left. (Janice Hough)

      Tom DeLay announced that he is leaving "Dancing With The Stars" due to
      stress fractures in both of his feet. He's almost certain to lose his
      orthopedic shoe endorsement deal. (Jerry Perisho)

      Former "American Idol" judge Paula Abdul was in the audience of
      "Dancing with the Stars" last night. She was there because she's
      homeless. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      After that trouble he had in California, Mel Gibson has had his record
      expunged. That episode no longer appears on his record. To that I say,
      “Happy Hanukkah.” (David Letterman)

      The group Kiss has a new album out. Some people have never seen an
      album, so I'll explain: It's a flat vinyl disc that goes on a record
      player, and a toucan on the side of the record player drops his beak
      into the groove, and everyone dances the jitterbug. (Craig Ferguson)

      MEDIA & THE INTERNET

      Happy birthday to Fox News, who is 13 today. Though I saw that on Fox
      News so I don’t know if it’s true. (Craig Ferguson)

      I watch a little of both: Fox News and MSNBC. It’s like mixing matter
      and anti-matter. (Craig Ferguson)

      CNN is reportedly planning for a replacement for Larry King. Not to
      say King is getting old, but apparently those suspenders are now
      attached to his "Depends". (Jim Barach)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Former eBay CEO Meg Whitman admits she never voted until 2002, not
      even for the special election which put Arnold Schwarzenegger in the
      Governor's Office. However, she says she did see all the "Conan the
      Barbarian" and "Terminator" movies.

      To help his career and improve his image, apparently Levi Johnston has
      decided to pose nude for Playgirl. Thank goodness David Letterman has
      chosen a different “bare-all’ strategy. (Janice Hough)

      Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin’s grandchild, is reportedly
      training three hours a day for his upcoming nude photo in Playgirl
      magazine Levi, one word of advice: don’t worry about working out; just
      stay away from the cold Arctic water! (Janice Hough)

      We’ve come a long way since last November. At this time last year,
      Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin’s granddaughter, was
      preparing to possibly move in with the family in Washington, now, he’s
      preparing to pose for Playgirl magazine. with no Levis. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      EDUCATION

      Tufts University has passed a rule that students cannot have sex if
      their roommate is present. Wow things have gotten wild, when I was in
      college I had a hard time having sex in my room with my date present.
      (Alex Kaseberg)

      A University of Toronto study finds parents lie to their kids more
      often than they realize. 70 percent of parents said they teach their
      kids that lying is wrong. But 90 percent of students who were shown a
      list of lies parents tell remembered hearing at least one of them.
      Researchers say some parental lies are harmless, like telling a child
      his scribbled drawing is beautiful. But they say many parents tell all
      sorts of lies to shape kids' behavior and emotions, and kids told such
      lies don't learn the real reason why they should behave a certain way.
      The real reason: "Because I SAID so!" (The Comedy Wire)

      A survey by Marist College finds that the most annoying word or phrase
      is "whatever," followed by "you know" and "it is what it is."
      Actually, this year Americans say the most annoying phrase has been,
      "You're fired." (Bill Mihalic)

      RELIGION

      Catholic churches throughout New York City are no longer offering wine
      at communion to help prevent the spread of swine flu. I like that it
      took swine flu for people to realize that sharing a cup with hundreds
      of other New Yorkers is a health risk. (Jimmy Fallon)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      Some conservatives are criticizing Mary Cheney for having a second
      child with her partner of almost 20 years. They claim, that the
      lesbian partnership is unnatural or that the child should have a
      father around. Anyone want to lay odds on this new baby growing up
      more or less well-adjusted, than say, the child of an unwed teenager
      mother whose teenage father is posing nude in Playgirl? (Janice Hough)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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