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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-03-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Dick Cheney had back surgery. It’s from carrying Bush for eight years. (David
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 5, 2009
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-03-09


      Dick Cheney had back surgery. It’s from carrying Bush for eight years.
      (David Letterman)

      The recession is over; there’s peace between Israel and Palestine;
      Republicans and Democrats agree on a Health Care plan… NBC ratings are
      huge… all that is possible… because, if the Detroit Lions can win a
      game, everything is possible. (Pedro Bartes)

      Federal authorities have issued a flurry of bulletins warning that
      sports stadiums, entertainment complexes, hotels, motels, apartment
      buildings, and transit systems could be targets of terrorist attacks.
      Well thanks for narrowing it down. -- In fact, you know the safest
      place to be now? Airplanes. Stay in the air as long as you can. (Jay

      Cleveland Cavaliers' Delonte West this week suggested his recent
      arrest on gun charges is not a big deal. Really? He was found carrying
      a 9mm handgun, a. 357 Magnum, and an 870 shotgun. If convicted, where
      will Cleveland find another player of his caliber. (R. J. Currie)

      A district court judge in Kansas City is being accused of masturbating
      during divorce mediation. I always thought you are not supposed to
      take the law into your own hands. (Pedro Bartes)

      Legal experts say legislation that stripped Acorn of federal funding
      was written so broadly that it could also take funding away from
      defense contractors. But Acorn says they can help them find a way to
      get around that. (Todd Long)

      Lincoln Legends is a new book by Edward Steers that investigates all
      the myths about Honest Abe. It finds he wasn't baptized, never went to
      church or professed a belief in Christ. Today James Dobson would call
      Abe Lincoln a Republican in name only. (Argus Hamilton)


      Palin’s book is No. 1 on Amazon, it’s No. 1 at Barnes and Noble, and
      it would be on sale at Borders, but she had all of them closed. (Jimmy

      Sarah Palin's new book is coming out in November, "Going Rogue." Other
      titles considered: "Me and my John," "McCain and Unable" and "No, for
      the last time, I'm not Tina Fey" (Tim Hunter)

      Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's memoir will be published Nov. 17,
      with an English version to follow (Andy Borowitz)

      Sarah Palin’s memoirs will be available in November, several months
      ahead of schedule. I guess once she started writing she realized there
      really wasn’t that much to remember. (Bill Mihalic)

      I read about this today, too. Sarah Palin’s 400-page memoir is going
      to be released on Nov. 17, and it’s called “Going Rogue: An American
      Life. ” And critics say that it starts out O. K., it get’s really
      exciting and then confusing, and then the last 100 pages are blank.
      The book costs $24.99, but it has a $5,000 jacket. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Sarah Palin finished writing her book – "Going Rogue" -ahead of
      schedule, and it will be released November 17. Not to be outdone, Joe
      Biden is working on his own book. And he is almost finished with page
      300 … of the first chapter. (Janice Hough)

      Sarah Palin has finished her memoir just four months after the book
      deal was announced. Palin's book will be 400 pages, it was supposed to
      be 800 but she quit halfway through. (Pedro Bartes)


      David Letterman says he had affairs with several female staff members.
      Now, would that fall under Stupid Human Tricks, or Top 10 Reasons to
      be the Boss? (Bill Williams)

      I have to ask. Amongst his staff – does Letterman have a Top 10 list?
      (Janice Hough)

      David Letterman says he was the victim of an extortion attempt over
      affairs with his staffers. The suspect was caught after Letterman gave
      him a phony check for $2 Million. The suspect should have known it
      would never clear since it was written from a CBS bank account. (Jim

      A CBS employee reportedly tried to extort David Letterman to hide
      affairs the comedian had with his staffers. The suspect could end up
      with time in prison, a fine and a writing job on a CBS prime time
      show. (Jim Barach)


      Martin Scorsese and Woody Allen signed a petition objecting to Roman
      Polanski’s arrest and demanding his release from a Swiss prison.
      Across America, fans are trashing their copies of “Raging Bull” and
      “Annie Hall”. What would Woody Allen know about inappropriate sex with
      a child? Oh wait; never mind! (Jerry Perisho)

      Poland's legislature passed a bill Monday which makes castration
      mandatory for men who are convicted of having sex with underage girls.
      Worldwide reaction was swift. Roman Polanski just announced that he
      would like to be extradited to California. (Argus Hamilton)


      Obama is in Copenhagen. He’s trying to get the Olympics in Chicago,
      while Iran is getting ready to nuke the world. This could explain
      Obama’s new Secret Service code name, “President Bush. (Jimmy Fallon)

      After his talks with Iran, President Obama left Geneva for Copenhagen
      where he made a pitch for Chicago to be the host city for the 2016
      Olympics. Obama promised that everything there will be first class; in
      other words, the Cubs will have nothing to do with it. (Jerry Perisho)

      Didaj hear? LIbya's Qaddafi referred to President Obama as his son.
      Fortunately, all the birthers were planning the next big Tea Party and
      missed it. (Joe Hickman)

      A Washington, D.C. restaurant named a sandwich after Michelle Obama.
      They are working on another for Biden; it’ll be just all baloney.
      (Pedro Bartes)


      GM says it will shut down Saturn. To put a positive spin on the
      closure, they’re changing the car’s name to “Limited Edition.”(Bill

      GM has decided to shut down Saturn after realizing that the company
      didn't fit its overall business model because it made cars that
      Americans actually wanted to buy. (Jake Novak)

      Wal-Mart was voted as the company that best symbolizes America: full
      of Mexicans and almost everything made in China! (Pedro Bartes)

      Chrysler has announced that it's replacing the owner's manuals in all
      of it's cars with a DVD. The sad part is that the DVD is a collection
      of Carrot Top movies. (Tim Hunter)


      In an attempt to smooth things over with Governor Paterson, President
      Obama gave him an unqualified endorsement yesterday. Yeah, Obama said
      Paterson is the most unqualified guy to run New York. (Marc Ragovin)

      A new government report says that several states are allowing millions
      of dollars worth of Medicaid prescription abuse. Of course, those
      inspectors should probably try looking at the women in Arkansas before
      questioning how much the men in that state spend on Viagra. (Jake

      A transgendered attorney is running for the Oklahoma state
      legislature. The opposition is painting him/her as just another
      politician who plays both sides of the issues. (Jake Novak)


      A proposed law in L.A. would limit each household to one rooster.
      Another attempt in California to suppress gay marriage, banning two
      cocks in the same house. (Pedro Bartes)

      A man in North Dakota made two holes-in-one in the same round. He then
      did what every North Dakotan does when they've shot a pair of eagles;
      he got his rifle and shot a pair of eagles. (Jerry Perisho)

      A man in New Jersey is accused of having sex with five cows, the man
      denies this charge claiming it is udderly ridiculous. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Chicago Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their baby boy
      Wrigley Fields. He’s a healthy baby boy but they will have to put his
      food in a blender one month a year because he will have a tendency to
      choke in September, (Alex Kaseberg)

      A Montana man who celebrated his 113th birthday Monday says part of
      the secret to his long life is eating just two meals a day, instead of
      the American tradition of 7 meals a day. (Tim Hunter)


      The New York Daily News is reporting that John Edwards’ former aide,
      Andrew Young, is now saying Edwards had affairs with many other women
      on the campaign trail. To give you an idea how much Edwards was
      fooling around, it turns out half the babies he kissed on the campaign
      trail were his. (Jay Leno)

      Andrew Young, a former John Edwards’ aide, is writing a book where he
      claims he has a sextape between John Edwards and his mistress. There’s
      nothing sexy about it; Edwards spends almost the entire time with the
      makeup lady. (Pedro Bartes)

      Nancy Pelosi attended the U2 concert Tuesday night in Washington, D.C.
      as Bono’s personal guest. When she first heard of the invitation, she
      screamed, “Oh, I love YouTube! Have you seen the one of the babies
      laughing?” (Jerry Perisho)

      Tom DeLay is still dancing. Reportedly, Democrats are voting for him
      by the millions. They're hoping his next fall will be a header and
      will knock some sense into him. (Joe Hickman)


      Homeland Security warned Thursday that terrorists might target NFL
      games. They want to install facial recognition cameras to keep out
      suspicious characters, but they can't put them at the players'
      entrance. If the Bengals hosted the Raiders, it would be a race to see
      who forfeits first. (Argus Hamilton)

      That Afghan immigrant they arrested in Arizona had a how-to manual to
      turn peroxide-based bleach into explosives. Kind of gives new meaning
      to the term blonde bombshell. (Dora Glasberg)

      Al Qaida is reportedly recruiting in the U.S. The suicide bomber
      openings are a bit misleading. The advertise “Short Hours.” (Alan Ray)

      Al-Qaeda's Abdullah Asieri detonated a bomb hidden in his rectum last
      month when he tried to kill a Saudi prince but failed. It calls for an
      overhaul of security procedures. These days a ruler can't tell who his
      friends are until somebody moons him. (Argus Hamilton)


      The White House is weighing sending Special Ops forces into
      Afghanistan to hunt down the enemy. At the conclusion of boot camp,
      the soldiers undergo brutal survival training. They're released back
      into the U.S. economy and told to find a job in six weeks. (Argus

      NASA & SPACE

      Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Laliberte paid $35 Million to go to the
      International Space Station. It was the biggest circus associated with
      NASA since the Lisa Nowak trial. (Jim Barach)

      Cirque du Soleil head Guy Laliberte took off on a Russian rocket to
      the Space Station Wednesday. He paid thirty-five million dollars for a
      nine-day stay. Don't worry, if anybody books it for less, Orbitz will
      him send him a check for the difference. (Argus Hamilton)


      They took down Qaddafi’s tent on Trump’s lawn and he stayed in a
      Bedouin and Breakfast. (Michael Feldman)


      Afghanistan is fighting a battle with heroin addiction as it is the
      world's largest producer of opium. That is no surprise. Look what
      happened in America where you can find the most McDonald's. (Jim

      U.S. diplomats say Iran must change its ways or "pay the price." It's
      not clear if "pay the price" means having to listen to more speeches
      from President Obama or having to attend a health care town hall
      meeting. (Jake Novak)


      Well, President Obama announced a plan to spend $5 billion on science
      and cutting-edge medical research, or, as Fox calls that, “socialism.
      ” No, actually, experts say this $5 billion project of President
      Obama’s could lead to the development of dozens of life-saving medical
      treatments that your insurance company could one day turn you down
      for. (Jay Leno)

      A new university study says that children who are spanked end up with
      lower IQ's than children who aren't spanked. You know what this means?
      When you think you're beating some sense into your kid, you're
      actually beating them senseless. (Frank King)

      Three of the four makers of the swine flu vaccine confirmed that they
      have shipped the first batches of the drug this week. Like most major
      drug shipments to this country, they either came to a Florida beach on
      a high-speed power boat or through a tunnel under the US-Mexico
      border. (Jerry Perisho)

      A University of Chicago study says that participating in sports can
      make you smarter. And if there’s anywhere we think of when we think of
      sports, it’s the University of Chicago. (Janice Hough)

      A study shows the ice cap is melting faster than previously thought.
      Global warming deniers cite the positives. Polar bears are becoming
      better and better swimmers. (Alan Ray)

      The nation's first double hand transplant just left the hospital and
      is doing fine. Question: Now that he has another man’s hands, is it
      gay for him to play with himself? (Pedro Bartes)


      Cleveland Cavaliers guard Delonte West, arrested for packing three
      loaded firearms while driving his motorcycle last month, finally
      showed up on the third day of preseason practices. Guess he didn't
      want to miss the Cavs' first shootaround. (Dwight Perry)

      In South Bend, the Washington Huskies, over the course of a 37-30
      overtime loss to Notre Dame ran EIGHT plays over three drives from
      within the 2 yard line, and couldn't score a touchdown. Or as Monica
      Lewinsky said about her next boyfriend after Bill Clinton. "Close, but
      no cigar." (Janice Hough)

      Dolphins kicker Dan Carpenter's field-goal miss against the Colts last
      week was so far right, it almost hit Fox News' Glenn Beck. (Greg Cote)

      Browns coach Eric Mangini — who fined an unnamed player $1,701 for not
      paying for a $3 bottle of water in his hotel room — was himself docked
      $25,000 by the NFL for not being truthful about Favre's arm injury
      last season when both were with the Jets. Assuming my math is correct,
      that means Favre's right biceps is worth 14.7 bottles of water. (Dan

      Two photographers have sued Patriots QB Tom Brady, saying they were
      shot at by guards working Brady's wedding. Bet that's the last time he
      hires Bill Belichick to handle security for him. (Steve Schrader)

      Russia's richest man is going to buy a majority interest in the New
      Jersey Nets. They're already referring to the team as the New Jersey
      Nyets! (Tim Hunter)

      Forbes magazine reported that Tiger Woods — combining sponsorships,
      prize money and business ventures — just became the first athlete to
      reach $1 billion. That's what you call hitting the green. (Dwight Perry)

      Tiger Woods has become the first athlete to make a billion dollars in
      lifetime earnings. So in effect, taxpayers had to bail out Buick for
      all the money they gave to Tiger. (Jim Barach)

      New Mexico football coach Mike Locksley allegedly split the lip of
      assistant J. B. Gerald during a heated meeting Sept. 20, earning
      Locksley a verbal reprimand and a letter in his personnel file, not to
      mention permission to interview with the Oakland Raiders. (Dwight Perry)

      On Chad Ochocinco's just-released book: "Who doesn't treasure a love
      story, even if it's just a man and his mirror." (Rick Reilly)

      On the Lamar Odom-Khloe Kardashian nuptials: "I'm not saying people
      think the marriage will end quickly, but most of the guests threw
      Minute Rice." (R. J. Currie)

      After Cal's 30-3 loss against USC in Berkeley when asked if his team
      was too one-dimensional, Cal Coach Jeff Tedford said: "We were zero
      dimensional. We couldn't run the ball and we couldn't throw it."

      Did you hear about fantasy football? Detroit Lions won. Detroit Lions
      beat the Washington Redskins 19-14, snapping their 19-game losing
      streak. Do you believe that? Detroit owning Washington. There’s a
      change. (Jay Leno)

      Michael Vick has received an endorsement deal from Nike. His agent got
      a rejection from another shoe company as “probably too soon.” Hush
      Puppies. (Alan Ray)


      Mackenzie Phillips told Oprah Friday she had incestuous relations for
      ten years with her rock star father John Phillips. It was a Seventies
      thing. After California toughened its law on driving under the
      influence, everyone just stayed home and made the best of it. (Argus

      “Surrogates” is out in movie theaters. A bunch of robots run the
      world. They are programmed on what to do by their lobbyists. (Alan Ray)

      Jon is quitting, “Jon and Kate Plus 8” because of their divorce. My
      suggestion for a future show about the Gosselin family? “Neither of
      Them Plus Nobody.” (Neil Berliner)

      During the show “So you think you can dance”, one of the contestants
      flashed her privates while dancing. And today Ellen Degeneres asked if
      it is too late to change her mind and become a judge of that show
      instead of Idol. (Pedro Bartes)

      Barbra Streisand says she sprained both her thumbs giving Robert De
      Niro a vigorous massage during filming for their movie "Meet the
      Fockers." She says that'll happen to people…people who knead people.
      (Tim Hunter)

      "Top Chef" host Padma Lakshmi is pregnant. So from now on when she
      barfs up the pork served on the show, it may not be because the
      contestants forgot to cook it. (Jake Novak)

      Comcast is rumored to be trying to buy NBC Universal. Apparently
      Comcast realizes that NBC pulls in about as many viewers as some of
      their cable channels. (Jim Barach)

      CNN is reportedly planning for a replacement for Larry King. Not to
      say King is getting old, but apparently those suspenders are now
      attached to his "Depends". (Jim Barach)


      Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are writing a book. That sound you hear
      is Ernest Hemingway spinning in his grave like a rotisserie chicken.
      (Alex Kaseberg)

      Futurist Ray Kurzwell says that nanotechnology could make people
      immortal by 2040. All that would do would be to prolong the misery for
      Cubs fans. (Jim Barach)


      I miss our old President, who worked for more recess for children, not
      more school. Instead, we elected the kid who reminds the teacher that
      she forgot to give the class homework. That’s no fun at all. (Jimmy

      President Obama wants a shorter summer break for school kids. The idea
      is being met with resistance even in the White House. Malia and Sasha
      are now asking to see his birth certificate. (Alan Ray)

      Tufts University has now put a rule in writing that bans having sex
      when your roommate is in the room. But since this is Tufts, this is
      only likely to happen about once every 16 years. (Jake Novak)

      Tufts University in Massachusetts is asking students not to have sex
      in their rooms if their roommate is present. Students wanting to have
      sex should go where they can find privacy, like in the campus library.
      (Jim Barach)


      Today’s Yom Kippur and what that means is down in Houston earlier
      today former President George W. Bush got up early and started looking
      for Easter eggs. (David Letterman)


      A new study from the University of Kentucky found that spiritual women
      have more sex. Results are based on the number of “Oh God’s” that were
      screamed from University of Kentucky sorority houses. (Jerry Perisho)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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