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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-26-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK 21% of likely New Jersey voters believe Barack Obama wasn t born in the United
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 26, 2009
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-26-09


      21% of likely New Jersey voters believe Barack Obama wasn't born in
      the United States (16% undecided). 8% believe he's the Antichrist (13%
      undecided). At least we know New Jersey voters are fair and balanced,
      if slightly unhinged, given that: 19% believe George W. Bush had
      advance knowledge of the 9/11 attacks (11% undecided). (Davis Emery)

      Germany will set up an 11 mile hiking trail just for nudists. How does
      a naked hiker transport his trail mix? In his left hand he carries his
      berries. In his right hand he holds his nuts. (Alan Ray)

      Brad Lidge has got to be a shoo-in for the Fire Marshall Bill Award.
      Talk about doing a 180. A year ago, Brad was the best reliever in
      baseball. This year he's the asbestos reliever in baseball. (Dan Daly)

      Cleveland Cavalier Delonte West was arrested last week for possessing
      two handguns and a shotgun while riding a motorcycle. He was working
      on his shooting touch. (Gary Fong)

      "There are new security alerts issued to law enforcement agencies all
      across the country, because Al Qaeda is planning to attack vital
      economic centers. Well, good luck trying to find one of those.
      Luckily, Wall Street took care of them about a year ago, so we are
      safe." (Jay Leno)

      In England, the beam that supports the roof over William Shakespeare’s
      grave is rotting, and will cost $80,000 to repair. There is talk of
      removing it all together; to beam, or not to beam, that is the
      question! (Jerry Perisho)

      Hey, more problems for Democratic sleazeball, John Edwards. The
      campaign official who claims he fathered the child of Edwards'
      mistress is writing a book where he says Edwards is the real father.
      So, looks like U. S.C. wasn't the only one playing with bad Trojans.
      (Jay Leno)

      The president has already made it clear, there'll be no "sin tax" on
      food on his watch. And at a time when it's important to set new
      standards for personal responsibility, he appointed a surgeon general
      who is -- I'm sorry -- fat. Certainly too heavy to be a surgeon
      general. You know, it's a role model thing. It would be like
      appointing a Secretary of the Treasury who didn't pay his taxes. Oh,
      he did? He did. My bad. (Bill Maher)

      According to a front page story in the "LA Times", the CIA is
      deploying teams of spies, analysts, and paramilitary operatives to
      Afghanistan as part of a broad intelligence search. They said this
      should catch the Taliban by surprise, unless they happen to see the
      front page of the "LA Times". (Jay Leno)

      Researchers off the coast of California discovered a new species of
      ghost shark whose males have a sexual organ on their foreheads. It
      gives new meaning to the term “dick head”. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Pete Carroll’s Trojans are knocked out of the BCS championship by
      their annual loss to a mediocre-at-best Pac 10 team. If Pete Carroll
      were president during the Cold War, I wouldn’t have worried about the
      Soviet Union – I’d have worried about Liechtenstein. (Bill Littlejohn)

      Cher’s child, Chaz Bono, will release a memoir in 2011 about his
      decision to transition from a female to a male. The female characters
      in the book are brilliantly described, but the male parts just never
      developed. (Jerry Perisho)


      It might be a sign of the apocalypse — a frilly Tom DeLay shimmying
      away from an indictment and onto "Dancing." (Maureen Dowd)

      You are crazier than Sarah Palin! (Judge Bruno Tonioli)

      Parts were magic, parts were tragic. (Judge Len Goodman)

      It reminds you of your uncle who's had a little too much to drink at a
      wedding or something, doesn't it? (Kiran Chetry)

      Somewhere in Idaho, Larry Craig is leaning in very close to his
      television. (Holly Bailey)

      I thought Tom Delay did a great job dancing, especially with that
      electronic ankle bracelet. (Andy Borowitz)

      When Tom DeLay goes to prison they can show his dancing video to the
      inmates (Jack Cafferty)


      Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi-duck, this moron, was at the U.N. today.
      He talked forever. He talked on Israel and the swine flu and the JFK
      assassination. He talked so long, even Joe Biden went, “Enough! ”Where
      was Kanye West to grab the microphone away? (Jay Leno)

      Libyan leader Moammar Gaddhafi addressed the United Nations General
      Assembly Wednesday morning for 90 minutes. It was a rambling, confused
      and disjointed; Joe Biden called it “Brilliant”. (Jerry Perisho)

      In his first U.N. appearance, Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi spoke for
      more than an hour in a speech that sounded at times incoherent and
      accusatory. Apparently, he hired one of Sarah Palin’s speech writers.
      (Pedro Bartes)

      Libya's President Muammar Qaddafi gave a lengthy tirade to the U. N.
      General Assembly today. He was supposed to talk for 15 minutes but
      went on a 90-minute rant instead. I mean, where is Kanye when you need
      him? (Jay Leno)

      In Qadaffi's rant yesterday, Qaddafi referred to President Obama as
      his son. Then he went on to describe Joe Biden as his weird, talkative
      cousin. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi also spoke at the U. N. Very exciting.
      This guy, for some reason, is getting very popular. As a matter of
      fact, this weekend, he's going to be the musical guest on "Saturday
      Night Live." (David Letterman)

      An escaped mental patient broke into the United Nations, getting all
      the way to the General Assembly and delivering a ninety-minute speech.
      A day after the stunning security breach, U.N. officials were still
      attempting to sort out how it was allowed to happen. (Andy Borowitz)

      And then the Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a hate speech
      and I thought to myself, where's that 'you lie' guy when you need
      him?" (David Letterman)

      Leaders from Canada walked out of Iranian President Mahmoud
      Ahmadinejad’s speech at the U. N. Wednesday. Not only did they avoid a
      terrible speech, but they got to see the televised finals of the big
      ice fishing championships outside Moose Jaw. (Jerry Perisho)

      And then they had the madman hour yesterday afternoon. And it was
      Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and he gave a speech to the U. N. He said he hated
      the US, said he hated Israel, and he hated that dumb pedestrian mall
      on Broadway. But Ahmadinejad did say if Iran is given access to
      uranium, he promises not to make weapons. And I said, "Well, that's
      good enough for me." (David Letterman)

      Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at the U. N. Wednesday.
      Where's Joe Wilson when we need him? (Will Durst)

      Did you hear President Obama's speech about nuclear proliferation? It
      was impressive. It's nice to have a president who can pronounce
      nuclear, isn't it? (David Letterman)

      During his speech to the UN, President Obama said it was time to usher
      in a new era of responsibility for the United Nations. It's not clear
      if he was talking about stopping nuclear proliferation or getting all
      the delegates to pay their outstanding parking tickets. (Jake Novak)

      President Obama made a big speech. He welcomed the members of the U.
      N. General Assembly to New York, and he said, "I'd like to encourage
      you to do some shopping while you're here." I think it worked because
      China immediately bought eight banks, two car companies, and the state
      of Wyoming. (Conan O'Brien)

      And you know the big surprise, Osama bin Laden was supposed to address
      the U. N. but he dropped out at the last minute because of mercury
      poisoning. (David Letterman)


      President Obama was on six different TV shows pitching his healthcare
      plan over the last couple of days. You know the difference between
      Obama and the ShamWow guy? You can see the ShamWow guy on Fox. (Jay

      Today's the first day of autumn, although Sarah Palin said today the
      dying leaves are because of Obama's health-care plan. (Jay Leno)

      Democratic Senator Max Baucus has introduced his healthcare plan which
      makes it mandatory for everyone to get health insurance. They would
      fine people who didn't get it, and if you don't pay the fine, you
      could go to jail. The good news is, once you're in jail -- free
      healthcare! (Jay Leno)

      GOP Congressman John Boehner has declared health care reform dead. He
      urged everybody to work on legislation that everybody can agree on. By
      the time health care reform is finished being amended by Congress,
      it'll be a missile defense system in Poland. (Argus Hamilton)

      Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal.
      Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and
      given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says
      he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Democratic strategists want President Obama to stop comparing his
      health insurance plan to car insurance. Specifically, they want him to
      stop ending his speeches with "15 minutes can save you 15 percent or
      more …" (Todd Long)


      In his first eight months in office, President Obama has made four
      times as many TV appearances as President Bush. Experts say if Obama
      continues at this rate, next week he will eclipse Regis. (Jay Leno)

      The Obama administration’s national security team hopes to send an
      alternative strategy for the war in Afghanistan to the president in
      three weeks. The strategy centers on sending Vice President Joe Biden
      over there and boring the enemy to death. (Jerry Perisho)

      There's a new book out about Barack and Michelle Obama's marriage. And
      in it, they say that Michelle Obama was very upset by all these
      drooling blonds who would push up to her husband and rub themselves up
      against him. They said this. One blonde was especially suggestive and
      kept rubbing up against the President. And finally, Michelle said,
      "Look, Chris Matthews, get away from my husband." (Jay Leno)

      Did you catch President Obama on Letterman Monday night? Dave was very
      honored. Barack asked him to be on one of his death panels. (Bill

      Today, President Obama met with Japanese Prime Minister Yukio
      Hatoyama, or as President Bush called him, "Mr. Miyagi." The Japanese
      prime minister wanted to thank Obama for all of the money that Japan
      got from the "Cash for Clunkers" program. (Jay Leno)

      Our new surgeon general, Regina Benjamin, had previously been a
      nutritional advisor to Burger King. Which sells something called an
      "Angry Whopper Triple" that has 1,300 calories and 91 grams of fat.
      The only advice a health expert should give Burger King is to stop
      selling food. You know, when you have a surgeon general who comes from
      Burger King, it's a message to lobbyists. And that message is: "Have
      it your way." (Bill Maher)


      "Thank you, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, for saying that the
      recession is most likely over. Nothing puts me at ease and restores my
      confidence like a nice, firm most likely." (Jimmy Fallon)

      This week, Chrysler announced it's replacing its owners' manuals with
      a DVD. In a related story, most Americans have replaced their Chrysler
      with a Toyota. (Conan O'Brien)

      Bullet makers in the U.S. are having trouble making enough ammunition
      to keep up with the demand. But now that Plaxico Burress is locked up,
      things should change a bit. (Pedro Bartes)


      Republican Congressman Thaddeus McCotter of Michigan is trying to
      rally support for a bill to provide a $3,500 tax deduction for
      Americans who pay for their pets’ health care. The people of Michigan
      thank you for your support, McCotter thanks you for your support, and
      the 112 uninsured feral cats McCotter has locked up in his bedroom
      thank you for your support. (Jerry Perisho)

      ACORN was defunded by Congress last week when ACORN staffers got taped
      telling two undercover journalists posing as a hooker and a pimp how
      to scam the government. They didn't stop there. The two undercover
      journalists went to the U.S. Capitol posing as a pimp and a hooker,
      and the Capitol police directed them to the lobbyists' entrance.
      (Argus Hamilton)


      Former President Clinton says he has changed his mind, and now
      supports gay marriage. Of course, Bill has a history of changing his
      mind on marriage – starting with that “forsaking all others” stuff.
      (Janice Hough)

      According to a new book that's coming out, former President Bush
      secretly supports gay marriage. Bush said, "If Bert and Ernie can make
      it work, anyone can." (Conan O'Brien)


      A new study shows that California has the dirtiest tap water in the
      country. California officials insist that the dirty water is fine as
      long as you chew it thoroughly. (Conan O'Brien)

      New census results reveal Oklahoma has the highest rate of people who
      have been married three times or more. Some of those unions are even
      outside the immediate family. (Jerry Perisho)

      And according to the latest rumors, the former CEO of eBay, Meg
      Whitman, about to announce she is running for governor of California.
      See, that shows you how bad the economy is getting here in California.
      Now we're just another piece of crap on eBay. (Jay Leno)

      Former eBay C. E.O. Meg Whitman is set to announce her run for
      California governor. She runs the risk of losing her election bid, or
      she may just Buy It Now for $42 billion. (Brad Roth)


      Well, the Los Angeles City Council has passed a new law that limits
      people in Los Angeles to one rooster per household. That's what I love
      about this town. You can have 50 illegal immigrants in the House, just
      one rooster. (Jay Leno)

      Baristas at a drive-thru coffee shop in Everett, Washington, have been
      charged with prostitution after police discovered they would expose
      their entire body and sometimes even go further for extra money.
      Apparently, the baristas were advised about this business opportunity
      by ACORN. (Pedro Bartes)


      During his appearance on “Larry King Live” Monday night, Bill Clinton
      said “No one shows up ready to be president.” The last guy left after
      8 years and still wasn’t ready to be president. (Jerry Perisho)

      Speaking of President Bush, did you see him last night at the big
      football game? It was the Giants and Cowboys down there in Texas. And
      President Bush did the coin toss at the start of the game. Now here's
      a bit of trivia. The coin that they used to start the game was the
      same coin that the Supreme Court tossed that won Bush the election.
      (David Letterman)

      A former Bush speech writer said that the former president once said
      that "If bull**** was currency, Joe Biden would be a billionaire." And
      Bush’s administration would have left a surplus instead of a deficit.
      (Pedro Bartes)

      Sarah Palin went to Hong Kong and gave a speech and people who heard
      the speech said it was articulate, it was well-prepared, it was
      compelling. And if it was that good I'm thinking it must have been
      Tina Fey. (David Letterman)

      In a speech to the Clinton Global Initiative yesterday, President
      Obama thanked Bill Clinton for the extraordinary difference he has
      made since leaving the White House. Clinton then stood up and thanked
      President Obama for keeping Hillary so busy. (Jay Leno)

      In a new book that's coming out, former President Bill Clinton said he
      had an affair with Monica Lewinsky because he, quote, "cracked under
      pressure." When asked what he's doing this weekend, Clinton replied,
      "Cracking under pressure." (Conan O'Brien)

      There's a new book coming out about former President Clinton. And it
      claims that when Boris Yeltsin was visiting, Yeltsin got drunk and was
      found wandering Pennsylvania Avenue in his underwear looking for
      pizza. The book also claims that when Clinton wanders around in his
      underwear, he's not looking for pizza. (Conan O'Brien)

      This is all just speculation, you know. We don't know any of this
      actually happened and we won't be certain that the baby belongs to
      John Edwards until we see how the child's hair responds to blow
      drying. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      John Edwards was reported ready Saturday to admit he fathered his
      mistress Rielle Hunter's baby girl. She was a campaign worker for him.
      John Edwards always said that there are two Americas and to get more
      votes he started a family in each of them. (Argus Hamilton)

      It was so hot today, John Edwards promised his mistress he would marry
      her on top of an igloo with Ice Cube playing. (Jay Leno)

      I read this in Time magazine. Former presidential candidate Ralph
      Nader said that President Obama was "weak, waffling and wavering." And
      then Nader added: "I do not like him in a house. I do not like him
      with a mouse." (Jay Leno)


      Al Qaeda released a 106-minute Arabic language video Tuesday. In it,
      Al Qaeda's second in command Ayman al-Zawahiri predicts the downfall
      of America for choosing Taylor Swift instead of Beyonce’s video during
      the MTV video Awards. (Pedro Bartes)

      NASA & SPACE

      NASA scientists say they believe there are billions of gallons of ice
      beneath the lunar surface, and to prove it, they plan to crash a
      rocket into the moon. And to make sure the rocket crashes, they’re
      hiring Billy Joel to fly it. (Frank King)


      Mexican Independence Day was celebrated Wednesday a month after Mexico
      legalized pot, heroin and cocaine for personal use. It would never
      work here. The Medellin cartel would never fill out all the paperwork
      necessary to become a Medicare provider. (Argus Hamilton)


      President Obama has angered Eastern Europe after dropping the U. S.
      missile defense system in the area over there; although President
      Obama says he hasn't abandoned them. He says in the event they do get
      hit by nuclear attack, they will be covered by his health-care plan.
      So, that is nice. (Jay Leno)


      I'm watching the news last night. They're talking about Afghanistan,
      and they interview these Afghan farmers that are planting poppy seeds
      - you know, where we get heroin from. Well, one of the farmers tells
      the journalist he knows it's a dangerous drug, and it's bad, and it's
      evil, but if he doesn't grow poppies, his family will starve to death.
      I've got an idea. You're a farmer. Why don't you try growing some
      food? (Jay Leno)


      Driven by gale force a giant red dust cloud blanketed Queensland
      state, blotting out such landmarks as the Sydney Opera House and the
      Harbor Bridge. Meteorologists blamed loose topsoil resulting from the
      drought being sucked airborne by the high winds. Mel Gibson blamed the
      Jews. (Bob Mills)


      A pharmaceutical company is developing a microchip to be implanted in
      patients’ shoulders that remind them to take their medication. That’s
      just what crazy people on drugs need, right, a voice talking to them
      out of their shoulder? (Jimmy Fallon)

      Researchers in the U.S. are testing a new topical cream for erectile
      dysfunction that could become an alternative for men who can’t
      tolerate the drug in pill form. It’s a combination of powdered Viagra
      and Super Glue. It’s called Ben Anything-But-Gay. (Jerry Perisho)

      President Obama spoke at the U. N. climate change summit. And he
      promised to get greenhouse gas emissions back to the level they were
      at in 1990. And just to show you he's serious to get back to 1990,
      Obama gave the whole speech dressed as Kid from Kid 'n Play. (Jay Leno)

      Researchers at the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center who studied 38,000 head
      trauma patients concluded that those who had a moderate amount of
      alcohol in their systems were significantly less likely to die from
      their injuries. In their usual quest to make safety job one, designers
      at Volvo have come up with a steering post air bag that pours the
      driver a martini while it's inflating. (Bob Mills)

      A study suggests that children that are spanked end up with lower IQ’s
      that those who aren’t. Maybe that’s why former president Bush didn’t
      read much as a kid. He used to put the books in his pants to protect
      his butt from his dad’s constant spanking. (Pedro Bartes)


      Brett Favre Vikings jerseys are the NFL's No. 1 seller. Unlike Favre's
      retirement decisions, the jersey isn't reversible. (David Thomas)

      The NBA plans to start the season with replacement referees. The
      players association is against the idea. If the refs aren’t
      experienced, how will they know who never to call fouls on? (Janice

      Lamar Odum of the Los Angeles Lakers is said to be getting ready to
      get married to Khloe Kardashian. That'll make the second time this
      year he'll get a ring for keeping something away from Kobe Bryant. I
      don't know though if she should take his last name. Khloe Odum sounds
      like a medical condition. (Tim Hunter)

      With the 49ers at 2-0, the best professional football team in
      California at the end of September this year will not be the USC
      Trojans. (Janice Hough)

      Mariner Ichiro Suzuki is the best player whose name sounds like a car
      dealership since Whitey Ford." (Reggie Hayes)

      Cleveland Cavaliers guard Delonte West was arrested last Thursday when
      D. C.-area police discovered a handgun in his pocket, another in his
      pant leg and a shotgun in the guitar case on his back during a traffic
      stop. Looks like he was ready to shoot a three. (Dwight Perry)

      Cavs guard Delonte West was caught carrying a loaded shotgun in a
      guitar case strapped to his back while riding his motorcycle. It
      sounds like he's been playing the Charles Bronson edition of Guitar
      Hero. (Dan Daly)

      Common Sense Media said Friday NFL telecasts aren't fit for kids to
      watch. Half the commercial breaks feature ads for alcohol, drugs or
      pills for enhanced sexual performance. The idea is to teach children
      that all their insecurities are treatable. (Argus Hamilton)

      If Curt Schilling is elected to fill the seat previously held by
      Edward Kennedy, the only thing he would bring to the U. S. Senate is a
      big appitite. (Dustin Pedrosa)

      On T. J. Somers writing Mike Scioscia "is always wrong" and "is nuts":
      "I found only one person who agreed with any of that, my wife." (Mike

      Baseball's division leaders are now thinking magic numbers. When a fan
      at Dodger Stadium raises his finger in the air, he is saying one
      thing. "Pardon me, I need to take this call." (Alan Ray)


      Ladies, if your husband or boyfriend agrees to see "Love Happens" with
      you this weekend, he is either desperate to have sex with you, or with
      another man. (Bill Maher)

      Bruce Springsteen, U2, Stevie Wonder, Metallica and Aretha Franklin
      will perform at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame's 25th anniversary
      concert at Madison Square Garden. I was hoping Taylor Swift would be
      there because I really wanted to see Kanye West. (Jerry Perisho)

      “Surrogates” is out in theaters this weekend. Bruce Willis discovers
      the world is run by robots. He spends the afternoon down at the DMV.
      (Alan Ray)

      “Grey’s Anatomy” star Ellen Pompeo gave birth to a daughter last week;
      her name is Stella Luna Pompeo Ivery. Out of habit, Katherine Heigl
      asked for a raise. (Jerry Perisho)

      Actress Mackenzie Phillips reveals she had a long-term incestuous
      relationship with her famous father, musician John Philips. So he's
      the one guy in the world who would sleep with her. (Jake Novak)


      According to a new survey, the state where men have the longest
      average penis length is Washington, D.C. I guess we all knew they had
      the biggest dicks. (Pedro Bartes)

      The BBC has proposed allowing commercials for condoms to be shown
      before the current 9pm restriction, as long as long as they do not
      appear in programs aimed at children under ten. The head of the
      Catholic Church in England and Wales denounced existing condom ads as
      demeaning to young people by showing "casual sex on the street
      corner," instead of, say, more formal sex in the parish sanctuary
      after mass. (Bob Mills)

      At least nine out of 10 Americans, men and women alike, have had
      premarital sex, says a new report. Ironically, that number is reversed
      with people after marriage. (Pedro Bartes)

      Chaz Bono is writing a book about his gender transformation. At the
      end, it turns into a pop-up book. (Pedro Bartes)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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