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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-19-09

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-19-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Well, according to Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, he says the recession
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 20, 2009
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-19-09
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Well, according to Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, he says the
      recession is over. You know, where is that "You lie!" guy when you
      need him? (Jay Leno)

      Rumor has it that Pres. Obama has plans for two new taxes in the
      coming year. He will be imposing a tax on condoms, but also one on
      laxatives. Any way you look at it, he'll get ya -- cummin' or goin'!
      (Ross Bowen)

      A new study, partly funded by the British Heart Foundation, claims
      that taking aspirin daily may do more harm than good; ask your doctor
      if reading studies is right for you. (IronicTimes)

      Quick, name the five NFL teams in California for whom Ted Tollner has
      coached.
      Answer: Chargers, Rams, 49ers, Raiders and Trojans. (Dwight Perry)

      Now it looks as if Congress is trying to derail health care reform on
      a bipartisan basis. So nice to see them working together. (Will Durst)

      Oprah Winfrey came in at number 6 on Forbes’ list of the top 50 Women
      In Business. Coming in last, that South African runner Caster Semenya.
      Which proves, even to come in last place, you’ve got to have some
      balls. (Jerry Perisho)

      George Takei and his partner Brad Altman, who were married last year,
      will be the first gay couple on “The Newlywed Game.” Good to see them
      “boldly go where no men have gone before. (Janice Hough)

      Shouting "You lie!" at the President of the United States by a member
      of congress is not that bad, it 'd be a lot worse if the shout, "You
      lie!" is by a federal prosecutor — ask Bill Clinton! (Gil Stern)

      Tests have indicated that a world-class athlete is both male and
      female. Are they talking about Caster Semenya or Manny Ramirez? (Bill
      Littlejohn)

      The White House announced Tuesday President Obama will do a media
      blitz Sunday and go on NBC's Meet the Press, CBS's Face the Nation and
      ABC's This Week. However, he won't be going on Fox News. Sunday is a
      day for gods to spend with their worshippers. (Argus Hamilton)

      TOP STORIES OF THE WEEK

      Congressman Joe Wilson shouts “You lie!” at President Obama, tennis
      star, Serena Williams shouts obscenities at a line judge, Kanye West
      interrupts Taylor Swift. That noise you hear? That’s etiquette expert
      Emily Post spinning in her grave. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Well, people are still talking about last week when President Obama
      gave his speech on health care and that Republican congressman yelled
      out, "You lie!" He yelled out, "You lie!" to the President. So, at
      least the two sides are talking. You know, and that's good. There's
      dialogue. (Jay Leno)

      Today, one of President Obama's advisers called Joe Wilson, the guy
      who heckled the President, "a pimple on the ass of progress." Then the
      adviser stressed that removing a pimple from the ass of progress would
      be covered by Obama's healthcare plan. (Conan O'Brien)

      Kayne West at the Video Music Awards. Kayne West interrupted Taylor
      Swift's acceptance speech. And after he did that, after he was done
      interrupting her, MTV threw him out of the building. So it's official.
      MTV has a lower tolerance for bad behavior than the United States
      Congress. (Conan O'Brien)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA & THE ADMINISTRATION

      You know, President Obama is pushing so hard for healthcare, he’s
      going to appear on an unprecedented five shows this Sunday. What’s
      strange is, two of them are “Entourage” and “Family Guy.” (Conan
      O'Brien)

      President Obama held a rally at the White House Wednesday to build
      support for Chicago as the host of the 2016 Olympic Summer Games.
      There was a big “Register to Vote Chicago” campaign with three lines
      where you could fill out paperwork: Democrat, Republican, and
      Deceased. (Jerry Perisho)

      TAXES , THE ECONOMY, BUSINESS, & LABOR

      Ben Bernanke, the Fed chairman, says the recession is over — although
      he did add, "Certain restrictions may apply." (Gil Stern)

      Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said that the recession is
      probably over. Unfortunately, he was talking about his hairline. (Doug
      Austen)

      They used to say a recession was when your neighbor lost his job, and
      a depression was when you lost your job. Now, a recession is when Wall
      Street guys get bailed out, and a depression is what you get thinking
      about it. (Jay Leno)

      According to The Wall Street Journal, Walmart will now pay its
      employees electronically. It’ll still be in pesos, but electronically.
      (Jay Leno)

      The Obama administration announced tough new fuel-economy standards
      that it says will add $1,100 to the price of every American car... as
      soon as someone buys an American car. (Jake Novak)

      A year after the economy collapsed, Goldman Sachs executives gave each
      other over $11 billion in bonuses. See, what gets me, whenever these
      Wall Street guys get these huge bonuses they always spend it on
      something useless, like Senator Chris Dodd. Buy a boat! Get a car.
      (Jay Leno)

      A new Nielson survey finds that Washington, D.C. has the most 25-34
      year-olds in the country who make $100,000 a year. They’re called
      hookers. (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE CONGRESS

      Senator Max Baucus has unveiled his health-care reform bill. It will
      require that every single American obtain health insurance. Well,
      let's hope it works out as well as that California law that says that
      everybody has to have car insurance. (Jay Leno)

      The Senate just passed a bill allowing Amtrak passengers to carry guns
      in their checked luggage. However, folks, Greyhound passengers are
      still not allowed to carry deodorant. (Conan O'Brien)

      Rep. Kevin Brady [R-TX] asked for an explanation of why the government-
      run subway system didn't, in his view, adequately prepare for this
      past weekend's rally to protest government spending and government
      services. (Paul Benoit)

      The U.S. Senate voted to halt funding for ACORN Monday after staffers
      were taped helping pimps and hookers set up brothels. This complicates
      everything. From now on all federal money going to ACORN has to be
      funneled through Eliot Spitzer's account. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS

      North Carolina health officials are offering a $10 Wal-Mart gift card
      in exchange for people to get tested for syphilis. After which the
      cards can be used just like cash to get a hooker. (Jim Barach)

      In Pittsburgh, they just passed a law banning both urination and
      defecation in public. I think the bigger story is that it’s been legal
      all this time in Pittsburgh. (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE DEMOCRATS & THE REPUBLICANS

      Yesterday in New York, President Obama had lunch with former President
      Clinton. Afterwards, Clinton told Obama, “Remember if Hillary asks, we
      had lunch and dinner then I slept over at your place.” (Conan O'Brien)

      Dick Cheney is having surgery today to relieve his lower back pain.
      And do you know how they administered the anesthesia? They just shot
      it right in his face. (Jimmy Fallon)

      They're auctioning off a dinner with Sarah Palin. The starting bids
      are $25,000. They say now that for an extra thousand dollars she'll
      actually shoot the main course. (David Letterman)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      The FBI says that murder and other violent crime has dropped from
      2008. Mostly because people can’t afford guns and no one has a house
      anymore to be robbed. (Jim Barach)

      ASIA

      Osama bin Laden made a new audio recording Monday taunting President
      Obama for his support of Israel and forecasting America's fall. It
      confirms he's insane and has lost his marbles. Only an idiot would
      think that President Obama supports Israel. (Alex Kaseberg)

      SCIENCE , HEALTH, THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      A new study indicates that 50-year-olds who suffer from chronic pain
      feel like they are 80 years old. Which means the most geriatic folks
      in the country probably have season tickets at Wrigley Field. (Janice
      Hough)

      A new study fails to connect cell phone use and cancer. These devices
      pose no danger to those who use them. Just to the other drivers on the
      freeway. (Alan Ray)

      Several NFL players have donated their brains – after they die – to be
      examined for brain damage due to concussions. Upon hearing this,
      President Bush offered to donate his brain to science, but science
      said; “Gosh, you know what? We’re good. Thanks anyway.” (Alex Kaseberg)

      A study says that 90% of American adults have at least one risk factor
      for heart disease. The other 10% are immigrants who haven’t quite
      adapted to the lifestyle yet. (Jim Barach)

      Health officials in North Carolina are offering Wal-Mart gift cards to
      people who get tested for syphilis. Don’t they realize that that is
      where they found the dates that gave them the STD’s? (Pedro Bartes)

      A 60-year-old US grandmother, blind for nearly a decade, has recovered
      her sight after surgeons implanted a tooth in her eye as a base to
      hold a tiny plastic lens. This is great news for all blind people,
      except those in England, in the South and hockey players. (Pedro Bartes)

      A woman in Mississippi who was blind for nearly a decade is now able
      to see after doctors implanted a tooth in her eye to hold a tiny
      plastic lens. Doctors said she may need glasses, and her tooth may
      need braces. (Jerry Perisho)

      A U.S. Geological survey has shown that as many as one in five male
      bass swimming in river basins nationwide may have female cells
      embedded in their sex organs believed to have been caused by ingestion
      of birth control pills and other hormonal drugs disposed there. (Bob
      Mills)

      SPORTS

      I had a strange thing happen yesterday. I set my TiVo recorder to
      record "The Biggest Loser" -- and got the Lions game. (Jay Leno)

      Suggested Headlines: After freshman QB Tate Forcier led the Michigan
      Wolverines over Notre Dame: “May the Forcier be with you” or
      “Wolverines Forcier their way past Fighting Irish.” (Janice Hough)

      The older you are wearing body paint at a sporting event, the more
      likely it is that you still live with your parents (Jimmy Kimmel)

      This year, 39 deaf and hard-of-hearing students are playing NCAA
      Division I college football. They had something in common with the 67
      blind referees officiating Division I college football. (Jake Novak)

      Michael Jordan was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame, in his
      first year of eligibility – five years after his final retirement.
      Which means that Pete Rose is likely to be a Hall of Famer before
      Brett Favre. (Janice Hough)

      At his Hall of Fame speech, Michael Jordan said he is seriously
      considering a comeback to the NBA at age 50. Apparently Jordan has
      been eating off of Brett Favre’s plate again. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Michael Vick is busy learning the Philadelphia Eagles playbook. Well,
      who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? (David Letterman)

      Tiger Woods said, "We're long overdue to have [golf] in the Olympics."
      Amen, I don't know how many times I've been at the Olympics and said,
      "It's fun watching Usain Bolt in the 100, but oh, how I long for the
      thrill of watching 'Pacedrag' Harrington take six minutes to read a 4-
      foot putt." (Scott Ostler)

      New York Yankees star Derek Jeter broke Lou Gehrig's record for most
      hits last week. The two men invite comparison. When Lou Gehrig said he
      was the luckiest man on the face of the earth, he'd never seen Derek
      Jeter enter a bar on Girls' Night Out. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Derek Jeter has loving parents, a gorgeous girlfriend and all the
      money in the world. And Lou Gehrig was considered the luckiest man on
      the face of the earth? (Len Berman)

      Several NFL players have donated their brains to be studied for the
      effects of concussions. Except for Travis Henry – who has nine
      children with nine different mothers - Henry was going to donate his
      brain, but it was in his pants. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Phoenix Coyotes coach Wayne Gretzky, unsure of his status with the
      beleaguered NHL franchise, was a no-show when players showed up for
      training-camp physicals Saturday. Or as Canadians prefer to call it,
      Hooky Night in Arizona. (Dwight Perry)

      Tests determined that South African runner Caster Semenya is a
      hermaphrodite and her male organs are on the inside. So is Paris
      Hilton a hermaphrodite too, because she has male organs on the inside
      most of the time? (Pedro Bartes)

      A New York plumber streaked during a Mets game in May, wearing only a
      stuffed monkey tied around his waist. He pled guilty and this week was
      fined $3,000 in penalties, given 20 days of community service and
      banned from Citi Field for life. Just imagine the penalties if he
      hadn’t gotten that monkey off his back. - Although given the way the
      Mets are playing a harsher punishment might have been requiring him to
      attend all next year’s home games. (Janice Hough)

      Dateline Foxborough, Mass: Patriots daddy-to-be-again Tom Brady asks
      parenting-class instructor to re-explain the tuck rule. (Dwight Perry)

      Cleveland Cavaliers guard Delonte West was arrested after officers
      pulled him over for speeding on a motorcycle in Maryland while
      carrying two handguns and a shotgun in a guitar case. Three guns on a
      motorbike the freeway? Maybe he was working on his outside shot?
      (Janice Hough)

      On free prostate exams at Yankee Stadium: "Of course, fans felt a
      little cheated because the Yankees advertised it as Glove
      Night." (Conan O'Brien)

      Serena Williams has been fined 10-grand for her meltdown at the U. S.
      Open. What's the term for a tennis star who behaves like a spoiled,
      obnoxious, self-centered 10-year-old? Tennis star. (Alan Ray)

      Despite all the supposedly enhanced long-balls during the “Steroid
      Era”, the season Home Run record has already been broken this year at
      Yankee Stadium. Proving performance enhancing drugs are no match for
      stupid stadium construction. (Janice Hough)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay injured his foot during
      rehearsal for “Dancing with the Stars.” Apparently, whatever his
      partner suggested, Delay kept moving to the right. (Janice Hough)

      Tom Delay was injured while rehearsing for "Dancing with the Stars."
      According to his partner, he kept "going to the right and going to the
      right... " (Tim Hunter)

      Jenna Bush made her debut on the “Today” show. Family members taped
      videos to welcome her on her first day at work: Laura Bush said, “I
      wish you the very best on the ‘Today’ show,” Barbara Bush said, “I
      know you’re going to do a great job,” and George W. Bush said, “Are
      you ready for some football?” (Jimmy Fallon)

      Happy Birthday to singer Amy Winehouse, who turned 26 on Monday. She
      was slightly embarrassed when she tried to snort the powdered sugar
      off her birthday cake. (Jerry Perisho)

      “Jennifer’s Body” opens in movie theaters. Megan Fox is a horrible
      killer. Throughout the film, she murders most all of her lines. (Alan
      Ray)

      MEDIA & THE INTERNET

      A poll says that Americans’ opinion about media fairness is the lowest
      in two decades. Only 29% feel that news organizations generally get
      their facts straight. The other 71% think the media is lying because
      talk radio told them so. (Jim Barach)

      People magazine’s 2009 Best Dressed issue comes out this Friday. They
      gave “Best Maternity Style” to Nicole Richie. Coming in a close
      second? Kevin Federline. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Fox announced that Ellen DeGeneres will replace Paula Abdul on
      "American Idol." They're replacing a judge who said things funny with
      one who says funny things. (Doug Austen)

      According to a new survey of all the social-networking sites, Twitter
      had the highest percentage of older users. In fairness, most of them
      just kept creating new accounts because they forgot their passwords.
      Twitter also had the highest percentage of users who called their kids
      and said, “OK I signed up. Now what do I do? ” (Jimmy Fallon)

      In an off-the-record remark recorded by ABC, Obama said that Kanye
      West was a quote, unquote, "jackass." In even bigger news, ABC doesn't
      understand the meaning of the phrase quote, unquote, "off the
      record." (Jimmy Fallon)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Guinness World Records said that 8-foot-1 Sultan Kosen, from the town
      of Mardin in eastern Turkey, is now officially the tallest man walking
      the planet. He may not be my idol, but I certainly look up to him.
      (Alex Schubert)

      EDUCATION, RELIGION, CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      I love the fact that parents kept their kids out of school to avoid
      Obama's subversive message, which was, to stay in school. (Will Durst)

      It seems these two filmmakers went to Acorn's office posing as a pimp
      and a prostitute, saying they wanted to buy a house and run it as a
      brothel. And Acorn workers gave them advice on how to get away with
      prostitution and how to avoid paying taxes. See, here's my question.
      If they want to get away with prostitution and not paying taxes, go to
      Congress. These are the professionals. These are the people that know.
      (Jay Leno)

      Acorn counselors were caught on videotape Thursday arranging housing
      loans for undercover actors posing as a hooker and her pimp. The
      counselor advised them how to stash underage Salvadoran hookers. Acorn
      receives tons of federal tax dollars under the theory that if the
      hookers are young enough, it is technically a green job. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A study says that the teen birth rate is the highest in the most
      religious U.S. states. Of course, that number is skewed by the fact
      that Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears are from Louisiana. (Jim Barach)

      OTHER NEWS

      PETA wants to rent a prison building in Virginia and turn it into the
      nation's first chicken empathy museum. There will be an entire wing
      dedicated to just the wing. (Doug Austen)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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