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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-12-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Newsweek s editor Evan Thomas was ripped on talk radio Monday after he said on a
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 12, 2009
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-12-09


      Newsweek's editor Evan Thomas was ripped on talk radio Monday after he
      said on a Sunday news show that President Obama is like God.
      Republicans are furious. The Book of Genesis states unequivocally that
      God appeared to Moses in the form of a Bush. (Ross Bowen)

      Tuesday, President Obama plans to make a televised speech to the
      nation's students during school hours. Many Republicans are planning
      to keep their kids home from school in protest. As a result, those
      kids have voted Obama "Best President Ever." (Conan O'Brien)

      Parents across the nation kept their kids home from school on the
      advice of FOX News commentators, fearing that President Obama was
      trying to indoctrinate their children when he addressed them on
      Tuesday. And if anyone knows about "indoctrination", it would be FOX
      News! (Paul Benoit)

      I suppose from (The Republican) point of view it makes perfect sense -
      the President is going to encourage kids to stay in school - if they
      do that they'll learn to read and think critically - then where will
      new Republicans come from? (Paul Benoit)

      Instead of showing President Obama's health-care speech that was on
      tonight, Fox aired its season premiere of "So You Think You Can
      Dance." I guess they wanted to give viewers a choice between hearing
      what's wrong with our country and watching what's wrong with our
      country. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Did you see president Obama's address to Congress? It must have gone
      well because NBC is going to run it five nights a week. You know
      that's a sign of success. (Craig Ferguson)

      Yesterday (Pres. Obama) gave a pep talk to students. He told them that
      in order to succeed they need to work hard and study hard. Then today,
      former President George W. Bush presented the rebuttal. (Conan O'Brien)

      Shawne Merriman (allegedly) chokes his girl friend? I thought the
      Chargers always choked in January. (Jim Maser)

      President Obama speaks to children this week. He's dumbed it down for
      those at an elementary level. And once he's done with his
      congressional address, he'll write one for school kids. (Alan Ray)

      (Obama's) getting ready for a speech he's giving to schoolchildren
      tomorrow. And he said he wants the speech to be at third grade level,
      so he tested it on Joe Biden (Craig Ferguson)

      President Obama speaks to the nation's schoolchildren today. He'll
      emphasize what's down the road for them one day with good grades and
      hard work. Our nation's debt. (Alan Ray)

      In his speech to America's schoolchildren, President Obama urged them
      to not to be sidelined by weak excuses. He then gave them some
      examples of really good excuses, such as, "My opponents are
      undermining these programs"; "The media misquoted me," and his
      personal favorite, "These problems were created by the previous
      administration." (Bill Mihalic)

      During his speech to America’s schoolchildren Tuesday, President Obama
      warned students that if they quit on school “You’re not just quitting
      on yourself, you’re quitting on your country.” Half the students
      thought to themselves, “He’s right; I’ll stay in school for my native
      Mexico.” (Jerry Perisho)

      President Obama spoke to the nation's schoolkids Tuesday and the sun
      still came up Wednesday morning.... whew! (Paul Benoit)

      In President Obama’s speech to schoolchildren, he tells students that
      the key to success is to work hard and stay in school. The Republican
      rebuttal – the key to success is having rich parents who get tax cuts.
      (Janice Hough)

      Some Republicans were so mad about Obama's speech to school children,
      they had Dick Cheney give a rebuttal. He showed kids the proper way to
      stuff a geek into a locker. (Craig Ferguson)

      In tonight's speech before a joint session of Congress, the White
      House says President Obama will re-invigorate his push for health care
      reform, mostly by promising every member of the House and Senate free
      treatment for their sexually transmitted diseases. (Jake Novak)

      During his speech to Congress Wed. night, President Obama said that
      “the time for games has passed. Now is the season for action.” That’s
      the same line Pres. Clinton used on White House interns. (Jerry

      Speaking to Congress Wednesday night, President Obama framed health
      reform as indicative of American character. Republicans disagreed, but
      it wasn't clear if they disagree with the President, or if they
      disagree with character. -- Republicans are vehemently against the
      public health care option. Unless, of course, it's their own. Then
      it's cool. (Joe Hickman)

      President Obama made his big health-care address to a joint session of
      Congress last night. It went pretty well, except for one weird part in
      the middle of it when a congressman from South Carolina suddenly
      yelled out, "You lie!" It's amazing. This guy was able to sit through
      seven years of President Bush telling him "everything in Iraq is
      fine," but — without a peep — but last night, he yells out, "You
      lie!"(Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama warned Congress Wednesday that people will die if we
      do nothing about health care. Of course people will also die if we do
      something. If history proves anything it is that nothing is more
      recession-proof than the funeral business. (Argus Hamilton)

      Last anight during President Obama's speech — I have never seen this
      in a presidential speech, a congressional chamber — a congressman
      heckled him. This guy from South Carolina, congressman, begins to
      heckle the guy. And I thought, O.K., so, now Governor Mark Sanford is
      the second most embarrassing politician from South Carolina. (David

      President Obama told Congress Wednesday that he isn't the first
      president in U.S. history to propose health care reform but he's
      determined to be the last. He doesn't have to worry about that. If he
      loses the House, the Senate and re-election, he will be. (Argus

      After Joe Wilson's outburst last night, everyone was shocked. Usually
      when a politician shoots his mouth off and makes a fool of himself,
      his name is Joe Biden. (Craig Ferguson)

      Congressman Joe Wilson's apologized for calling President Obama a
      "liar" during his speech on health care. Obama accepted Wilson's
      apology and then invited him to appear before a death panel. (Conan

      Earlier tonight, President Obama spoke to Congress to explain his
      healthcare plan and Speaker Nancy Pelosi is very happy because
      apparently her Botox is covered, so that's good. (David Letterman)

      Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was shocked. At least that's what
      she said. You can't tell because her face doesn't move. (David


      It was a busy week for President Obama. He gave two major speeches.
      One to a bunch of children, and another to the nation's students.
      (Todd Long)

      President Obama said that Rep. Wilson's outburst during his speech
      Wednesday night was "productive," adding, "Joe Wilson highlighted the
      need for mental health care. " (Andy Borowitz)


      Disney will buy Marvel Comics for $4 Billion. Die hard fans will be
      disappointed to find out the first cross over will be to make Spider-
      Man the road manager for Hanna Montana. (Jim Barach)


      Congress is considering giving the president the power to shut down
      the internet in case of emergency. Wait a minute: How is he going to
      know when my wife suddenly walks into the room? (Todd Long)

      Ex-pitcher Curt Schilling stepping into the late Ted Kennedy's shoes
      might be a whole new ballgame. He'd be the first to deliver a speech
      on the floor of the U.S. Senate while covering his mouth with his
      glove. (Jerry Perisho)

      Senator Carl Levin now says that he is against sending more American
      combat troops to Afghanistan. Levin needs the soldiers to stay in the
      U.S. to protect him and his colleagues at those health care town hall
      meetings. (Jake Novak)

      Congressman Joe Wilson yelled out "You lie!" at the president during
      his speech to congress Wednesday night. The congressman apologized to
      the president and to China's U.N. Ambassador U Ly. (Tim Hunter)

      Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) courted controversy again today as he
      reportedly shouted "You lie" during a sexual encounter in which his
      wife pretended to have an orgasm. But the South Carolina congressman
      got a vote of support from a fellow Republican lawmaker, Sen. John
      Ensign (R-NV), who told reporters, "It's so rare for a Republican
      politician to have sex with his own wife, we should applaud it when it
      happens." (Andy Borowitz)

      Senator Harry Reid emerged from the Oval Office Tuesday saying the
      health care bill was ninety percent of the way there. How familiar. At
      the conclusion of every Middle East peace conference they say both
      sides are ninety percent of the way there, they've agreed on
      everything except borders, Jerusalem and Israel's right to exist.
      (Argus Hamilton)


      Republican California Assemblyman Mike Duvall, a married father of
      two, was caught on tape bragging about having sex with two women
      lobbyists. He resigned, apologizing for his “inappropriate comments.”
      Yo, Mike, it’s not your COMMENTS that were inappropriate. (Janice Hough)

      California is such a schizophrenic state. If a politician has sex with
      two women, they either make him resign or they elect him governor.
      (Jerry Perisho)

      So Rod Blagojevich got caught offering bribes on FBI wiretaps, and
      Mike Duvall got caught talking about sex on a open microphone. The
      next generation may not produce more honest politicians, but maybe at
      least they will be smarter about electronics? (Janice Hough)

      Virginia gubernatorial candidate Bob McDonnell’s campaign was thrown
      for a loop because of his recently revealed anti-women and homosexual
      statements. In fact, it might be the most self-inflicted damage a
      Republican has done lately with his pants on. (Janice Hough)

      South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is reportedly spreading rumors
      that his Lieutenant Governor is gay. He’s hoping this rumor discredits
      the man better than the “he has cooties” campaign of last week. (Jerry

      South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford says he will continue to fight
      for conservative causes and do "What God wanted me to do with my
      life". Which apparently has nothing to do with governing the State of
      South Carolina. (Jim Barach)

      The "Naked Cowboy" has dropped his bid to become New York City mayor.
      But character issues weren't the reason. He doesn't have a lot of
      dirty laundry. (Alan Ray)

      A Salt Lake City woman who held a Guinness World Record for her long
      fingernails had them broken off in a car crash. She hadn't cut them in
      30 years. But, on the bright side she can now finish typing that
      letter she started in 1979. (Doug Austen)


      Next month, Sarah Palin is going to Hong Kong for a speaking
      engagement in Hong Kong. She says she can almost see Hong Kong from
      her house. (David Letterman)

      Palin's going to do her best to promote capitalism while she's in Hong
      Kong, and then I guess in the end of the trip, she'll be riding around
      in helicopters, shooting pandas. (David Letterman)

      A dinner prepared by Sarah Palin is being auctioned off on e-Bay. This
      is the perfect meal for somebody who is craving half-done Moose meat.
      (Alex Kaseberg)


      Mountlake Terrace police are on the lookout for a trio of escorts who
      are alleged to have stolen about $440 from four customers who had
      invited them over for a weekend party. The cops have their work cut
      out for them since they're relying on four victims who were
      "incredibly" intoxicated and provided only the barest of descriptions.
      (Christine Clarridge)

      A Wisconsin woman was in court accused of Krazy Gluing her lover's
      genitals to his leg. She felt he needed help adhering to their
      relationship. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A judge ruled that three women in Wisconsin must stand trial for super
      gluing a man’s penis to his stomach after they discovered he was
      cheating on all of them. Of course there has to be a trial. They
      violated every penal code in the book. (Jerry Perisho)


      The N. Y.P. D. revised a report on homegrown terror threats after
      complaints that it was insulting to Muslims. So in the new version,
      they're back at the top of the list. (Todd Long)

      Former DSH Secretary Tom Ridge is now backpedaling on claims that he
      was ordered to raise terror alert levels just before the 2004
      election. Apparently he is now saying he was ordered to raise them
      every day. (Jim Barach)

      NASA & SPACE

      At a press conference this week, NASA made a big announcement. They
      announced that they've created a magnetic device that can levitate
      mice. NASA's spokesperson said, "If you don't let us go to Mars, this
      is the kind of stupid crap we're going to do." (Conan O'Brien)


      Mexican police foiled an AeroMexico hijacking in Cancun Wednesday.
      Tourism is booming there. They waited until the U.S. built the border
      wall then they legalized pot and cocaine, and now it's the only
      country in the world with a bouncer at the door. (Argus Hamilton)


      Due to the swine flu, French health officials have asked the French
      people to forgo their customary cheek-to-cheek kiss greeting/ goodbye.
      Of course, the other French custom of copping a feel on your best
      friend's wife? Fine. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The town of Drachten, Holland, has dropped its traffic accident rate
      by 60 percent by removing all their traffic lights and stop signs, and
      leaving their citizens to police themselves. That would never work in
      America. A town without traffic lights... that would be like a town-
      hall meeting without AK-47's, Hitler posters and dis-informed
      screamers. (Frank King)


      China has started an educational exchange program that's sending 23
      high school students to schools in Detroit. Once in Detroit, the
      students will exchange cultural ideas, social theories and gunfire.
      (Conan O'Brien)

      Hey, it's been reported that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il has
      chosen Kim Jon-Un to be his successor, because as you know, North
      Korean law requires the power to be handed over to the guy listed
      behind you in the phone book. (Conan O'Brien)


      The New York Times cited a new medical study Saturday saying people
      over sixty who drink moderately have a lower risk of Alzheimer's and
      dementia. The news gets even better. It turns out that liver disease
      improves the solvency of Social Security. (Argus Hamilton)

      There's been speculation that if the swine flu and the bird flu cross
      paths they may morph into some hybrid super flu. Yeah, right, WHEN
      PIGS FLY! (Bill Thom)

      There hasn't been this much smoke in Los Angeles since Willy Nelson
      opened for Snoop Dog. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A new study finds that the Arctic is the warmest it's been in 2,000
      years because of greenhouse gasses. It is so hot; there have been
      sightings of polar bears in Speedos. (Jerry Perisho)

      Environmental Working Group tested cell phones for radiation Wednesday
      and found out the Motorola Moto emits the highest radiation levels.
      It's made in Japan. They were going to name the phone Hiroshima's
      Revenge but Moto fits better on the handset. (Argus Hamilton)


      San Diego Chargers star Shawne Merriman was arrested and charged with
      choking his girlfriend. Which is shocking. Usually the only choking
      the Chargers do is on the field. (Janice Hough)

      San Diego Charger Shawne Merriman was arrested for false imprisonment
      for allegedly restraining reality TV star, Tila Tequila. On the bright
      side, nobody can say Merriman can't hold his Tequila. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Red Sox pitcher Jonathan Papelbon has been fined $5,000 for slowing
      down the game. What does he think this is, the PGA? (Jim Barach)

      Boston Red Socks closer, Jonathan Papelbon has been fined for
      dawdling on the mound. If MLB really wanted to speed up games, it
      would authorize a golf cart for Prince Fielder. (Dan Daly)

      A suite at Angel Stadium owned by Scott Boras was swarmed by bees
      recently. I can think of a dozen team GMs who probably got a smile out
      of that. (Greg Cote)

      A 65-year-old man’s pinky finger was bitten off by an Obama-care
      supporter at a health care rally in California this week. Some people
      give the finger; others find it hard to swallow. (Jerry Perisho)

      The New York Yankees changed a Sunday night game in late September to
      a day game because Yom Kippur starts at sundown. It's the holiest day
      on the Jewish calendar. The Cubs played a double-header on Yom Kippur
      one hundred years ago and you know the rest. (Argus Hamilton)

      New reports show that "female" world-champion South African runner
      Caster Semenya has both male and female genitals... but a few more
      steroid treatments and she'll be all woman in no time. (Jake Novak)

      Tests on Caster Semenya apparently show the South African track star
      has both male and female sexual characteristics. Which could be a blow
      to her future athletic hopes. But it could make her more likely to get
      a future job hosting American Idol. (Janice Hough)

      Caster Semenya posed for a glamorous photo shoot in a South African
      magazine. Although the idea was controversial the stylists did a nice
      job, she looks almost as pretty as Ryan Seacrest. (Janice Hough)

      A Queens man must pay the New York Mets $3000 in penalties and
      complete 20 days of community service for "interfering with a sporting
      event" after he jumped onto the diamond nude with a stuffed monkey
      tied to his waist. On a brighter note, Craig Coakley was signed as a
      free agent and ordered to report to training camp next spring as a
      designated runner since he was clocked faster than any Met presently
      on the roster. (Bob Mills)

      Michael Vick's NFL suspension was reduced to two games Friday. No one
      is that mad anymore. With people biting off each other's fingers over
      health care reform, dogfights now look like a halfway house for people
      who want to quit town hall meetings. (Argus Hamilton)

      And this year's Plaxico Burress Award for best self-inflicted football
      wound goes to Pacman Jones! Seems the kooky cornerback, on the verge
      of signing with the CFL's Winnipeg Blue Bombers, scuttled his own
      chances with an ill-timed, 44-minute Internet video in which he said
      he was only biding time until an NFL team beckoned and, even worse,
      crowed that his new team played in the fledgling United Football
      League. "I've seen a lot of things in 13 years of football," Bombers
      defensive tackle Doug Brown told the Winnipeg Sun. "I've seen guys get
      knocked out on the field and forget what score it is. It's the first
      time I've ever seen anybody forget what league they were going to sign
      with." (Dwight Perry)

      To the great relief of Mavs star Dirk Nowitzki, his jailed ex-
      girlfriend isn't pregnant with his child, after all. Talk about having
      an "and one" call go your way. (Dwight Perry)

      Raider Quarterback JaMarcus Russell, the No. 1 overall pick in the
      2007 draft, appears to be turning the corner. There is a Krispy Kreme
      around the corner from Oakland's training facility. (D. J. Gallo)

      The beauty of the NFL. The one place where being thrown to the Lions
      is a good thing. (Bob Molinaro)

      On new NFL sponsor IHOP's "Exhibition Game Breakfast": For the price
      of a steak dinner, you get bologna, burned toast, rotten eggs and
      assorted leftovers. (Scott Ostler)

      In what sounded like a barroom brawl, Bill & Mary throttled Virginia,
      26-14. Just wait until Virginia's boyfriend, Duke, finds out. (Steve

      The San Francisco Giants at A T and T park are hosting a production of
      Verdi’s “Il Trovatore” on September 19, calling it “Opera at the
      Ballpark.” Unfortunately, this week Giants fans may have already seen
      the fat lady start singing. (Janice Hough)

      Melanie Oudin, who is making a Cinderella run in the U.S. Open, didn’t
      plan to stay past the first few days in New York, and she was forced
      to change hotels after 12 days. Guess she also will now longer be
      using Anna Kournikova’s travel agent. (Bill Littlejohn)

      How stocked are the SF Giants with pitching? Besides Matt Cain, a hard-
      luck 13 and 4 with a 2.51 ERA… by the numbers, they have three Cy
      Young winners (Zito, Lincecum, Johnson), one guy who threw a no-hitter
      (Sanchez) , and two guys who dated Alyssa Milano (Zito and Penny)
      (Janice Hough)

      Citi Field has been plagued with cracks and plumbing and wiring
      problems since the New York Mets opened their new ballpark. Chunks of
      concrete just fell from the upper deck onto seats below. The team
      announced that for the rest of the season every night is Helmet Night.
      (Argus Hamilton)


      Ellen DeGeneres is going to be one of the new judges on "American
      Idol." It's not official yet. It still has to be confirmed by the
      Senate. (David Letterman)

      Ellen DeGeneres will be the new judge on American Idol, even though
      she has no music industry experience. She will replace Paula Abdul,
      who had no experience speaking coherent English. (Jake Novak)

      Ellen DeGeneres has been named the 4th judge on the upcoming season of
      "American Idol." She'll fill the gap created when Paula Abdul joined
      the show 8 years ago. Ellen says she's up for the challenge, but
      taking over for Paula will mean some tough prescriptions to fill.
      (Tim Hunter)

      Paula Abdul, of course, was the judge that Ellen DeGeneres is
      replacing. But don't worry about Paula Abdul. You know what she is
      going to do? I just heard this today. She's running for governor of
      Alaska. (David Letterman)

      Michael Jackson was buried under a full moon Thursday at midnight as
      fires burned in the hills over the cemetery. Arson detectives bumped
      into sex slave detectives on the ridge line. Living in L.A. is like
      living inside Stephen King's brain during an aneurysm. (Argus Hamilton)

      British police said that they will try to figure out how Rolling
      Stones guitarist Brian Jones really died. After that, they promised to
      figure out how Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is still alive.
      (Erik Brauns)

      So I heard that "Inglourious Basterds" is about the Jewish resistance,
      or, as I like to call it, all the women I have ever approached at
      singles dances. (Marc Ragovin)

      There is a new video game where you pretend to play Beatles songs on
      fake instruments. They got the idea from the career of The Monkees.
      (Alex Kaseberg)

      More nastiness today from Jon Gosselin about his soon to be ex-wife,
      saying that he now “despises” her. The working title for the rest of
      the season “Jon and Kate plus Hate.” (Janice Hough)

      It is getting ugly between Jon and Kate Gosselin. She accuses him of
      being an a-hole, he says she is a bitch. At least they are both pretty
      good judges of character. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The movie “9” is out in theaters this weekend. Machines roam the earth
      destroying life. The leader of the pack goes by the name “Hummer”.
      (Alan Ray)

      Scooby Doo has turned 40 years old. In his latest cartoon, our heroic
      canine stumbles upon the scariest haunted house yet. He accidentally
      finds Michael Vick's place. (Alan Ray)

      An assistant editor on "The Bachelor" has quit his job and pledged,
      along with his fiancée, to abstain from sex and verbal communication
      for 3 years, 3 months, and 3 days — on a quest to achieve "nirvana."
      Sounds like they're on a quest to achieve "marriage." (Neil Berliner &
      Jim-Bob Williams)


      A new Internet addiction rehab center has opened up in Seattle. You'll
      know you're addicted to the web if while you're sending an IM to a
      MySpace Friend on Facebook, you start to Twitter. (Tim Hunter)


      A registered sex offender in Kentucky is about to be ordained as a
      minister. Boy, talk about putting the cart before the horse! (Jake

      Commonwealth School in Los Angeles tried to tune into President
      Obama's speech to schoolkids on the radio to broadcast over the P.A.
      system Tuesday. They accidentally played Rush Limbaugh's running
      commentary of the speech instead. The kids came home that night and
      told their parents that forcing them to share their toys was socialism
      (Argus Hamilton)

      The University of Wyoming will name a center for international
      students after Dick Cheney. It's got some unique features. Electricity
      will be circulated through foreign detainees. (Alan Ray)

      A survey conducted by research company Opinion Health on 1,000 women
      aged 18 to 50 living in Great Britain shows that one in five of them
      believe that Saran Wrap and chicken skin will serve as an effective
      substitute for a condom during unscheduled sex. (Bob Mills)


      Labor Day is Monday. Labor Day, of course, is the day that we set
      aside to remember when people used to have jobs. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Labor Day. A calendaric conundrum. A day we celebrate what it is we do
      for a living by taking the day off from work. That is so us. (Will

      Today is Labor Day. Throughout history, the American laborer has
      really paid his dues. Because if he doesn't, the union boss will break
      his thumbs. (Alan Ray)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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