Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.
 

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-05-09

Expand Messages
  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-05-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Cheney accused Obama of setting a terrible precedent. That s what Cheney said,
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 5, 2009
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-05-09
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Cheney accused Obama of setting a "terrible precedent." That's what
      Cheney said, Obama is setting a "terrible precedent," not to be
      confused with George W. Bush, who was a terrible president. That's a
      different deal. (David Letterman)

      Ted Kennedy's friends laughingly recalled Friday the time N.Y. Daily
      News photographers caught him making love to a woman on a boat on the
      Riviera. The opposition loved it. Republicans saw the photos and
      thought he'd changed his position on offshore drilling. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      Brett Favre announced his retirement from exhibition football
      Wednesday, but will unretire in time to play in the Vikings' season
      opener. (Dwight Perry)

      "Real Housewives of Atlanta" star Kim Zolciak appears topless in a new
      ad for the NOH8 Campaign, which seeks to overturn California's
      Proposition 8 banning same-sex marriage. California loves pumped-up,
      artificial boobs; look who they elected governor. (Jerry Perisho)

      Secretary of State Clinton ordered an investigation into reports of
      bad behavior of the guards at the U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan that
      allegedly included booze, hookers and other "deviant behavior." In her
      husband's words, "Who do they think they are? The President?" (Tim
      Hunter)

      Every time Barack Obama is seen reading a book, its sales skyrocket.
      If only we could get him to buy stocks. (Alex Schubert)

      The city of Mt Vernon will award the key of the city to Glen Beck. He
      is already planning on making copies only to the White Residents,
      kicking the blacks out and then locking the door. (Pedro Bartes)

      Agent Scott Boras' dugout-level suite at Angel Stadium hosted some
      unexpected visitors Sunday: a swarm of bees. Coincidence? The bees
      didn't budge until they got guaranteed honey. (Dwight Perry)

      Wildfires along with a lack of wind is making for bad air quality in
      the Los Angeles area. It's getting so bad that the Dodgers are
      starting to choke before they even arrive at the ballpark. (Jim Barach)

      The state of California is $30 billion in debt, and there’s no way we
      can pay it back, so what we’ve decided to do is set it on fire and
      collect the insurance. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Muhammad Ali visited the town in Ireland where his great-grandfather
      was born, and thousands of people lined the streets to greet him. All
      the Irish people had one burning question for Ali, “What’s it like to
      fight with someone while sober?” (Conan O'Brien)

      HEALTH CARE

      Health care protesters seem to be sending mixed messages."Stop
      Socializing America. Leave Medicare Alone." At least use different
      signs. (Will Durst)

      President Obama will personally appeal to Congress for health care
      reform next week. He thinks he can win them over with his own story.
      His mother had no coverage and was turned down by hospital after
      hospital until finally, he was born in a manger. (Argus Hamilton)

      Last week I heard some radio pundit claim that health insurance
      carriers should not be forced to insure the sick because it was HEALTH
      Insurance!. I can't wait for him to discover you have to die to
      collect LIFE INSURANCE.

      Have you seen these town hall meetings about the health care? People
      are screaming. And I'll tell you, because if there's one thing
      Americans hate, it's comprehensive health coverage." (David Letterman)

      Wednesday, Obama will deliver a major primetime health care speech to
      a joint session of Congress. Side effects may include headaches,
      nausea and dizziness. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Of course, the healthcare debate is raging. And yesterday, John McCain
      spoke to nearly 100 doctors and nurses. It wasn't a political meeting.
      It was McCain's annual checkup. (Conan O'Brien)

      Well, it's back. You know what I'm talking about. Swine flu. And they
      say now this year it may be worse than ever. And I was thinking, well,
      thank God we fixed our health-care system. (David Letterman)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Reporters in Washington are saying that President Obama's hair has
      gotten visibly grayer in the seven months since he took office.
      Amazingly, each of his gray hairs is the result of a black hair and a
      white hair being brought together by Obama last year. (Conan O'Brien)

      Summer vacation's sadly coming to an end. Not for the Obama family.
      They just got back from Martha's Vineyard. And now they're going on
      another vacation to Camp David. Joe Biden is really excited for the
      car trip. He loves sticking his head out the window. (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE ECONOMY

      Despite the terrible mileage they get, S.U. V.s are still popular with
      people like me who opted for ARMs when we bought our homes. Why?
      Because when the foreclosure notice eventually comes, we'll still have
      a roomy place to live. (Todd Strasser)

      According to economists the sales of men’s underwear is a good
      indicator of how the economy is going. Men don’t buy any; they are
      getting screwed so often, what’s the point of having to take them off
      all the time. (Pedro Bartes)

      The recession is officially over, so if you don't have any money,
      whose fault is it? (Michael Feldman)

      THE CONGRESS

      Congresswoman Lynn Jenkins apologized for saying that Republicans
      needed a "great white hope." Consequently, her career jumped a "great
      white shark." (Pat Costa)

      THE STATES

      In an effort to get California's record deficits under control, Gov.
      Schwarzenegger is now planning to segregate California prisons
      according to bra size. (PNN News)

      The state of California is having a garage sale, which probably not a
      good sign. The largest state in the union probably shouldn’t have to
      hold a garage sale to pay its debts. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      At his giant tag sale this weekend, Governor Schwarznegger was
      insulted when one bargain hunter eyeing some exercise equipment asked,
      "Hey, how about throwing in that that big dumbbell over there?" (Neil
      Berliner)

      Earlier today, governor Schwarzenegger was touring a neighborhood
      damaged by the fire, and he found a charred barbell. He picked up the
      barbell, held it to the sky and said, "Now it's personal!" (Conan
      O'Brien)

      It's great day for America, everybody. I'll tell you why. Because, as
      of today in the state of Vermont, as of today, no going back now, same-
      sex marriage is legal in Vermont. It is only a matter of time before
      Ben marries Jerry. (Craig Ferguson)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      The two Asian American journalists who were held captive in North
      Korea and rescued by president Clinton? Well, they have finally
      written about their ordeals. The two women said, they were frightened,
      mistreated and violated — then someone told Clinton to leave them
      alone. (Conan O'Brien)

      Hey, you know who's back in town? Eliot Spitzer. Former governor of
      New York Eliot Spitzer is back in town, and he's going to run for
      governor again. He says he wants to spend less time with his family.
      (David Letterman)

      Do you remember Governor Eliot Spitzer, the guy who pioneered the
      "Cash for Hookers" program?. (David Letterman)

      I read today that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is
      considering running for the Senate. In fact, he’s already holding
      fundraisers, $500 for the full hour, $300 for a half-hour. (Jimmy
      Fallon)

      Elizabeth Edwards has opened a furniture store in North Carolina. The
      most awkward moment during the grand opening was when John Edwards
      came in to shop for some new baby furniture. (Jim Barach)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      A political group is urging Dick Cheney to run for president in 2012.
      It's a political group known as the Democrats. (Conan O'Brien)

      Dick Cheney. He's denying now that he ordered torture. And he says you
      people who are saying this, go ahead, call it torture if you want, but
      where I come from, it's just good old-fashioned fun. Cheney says that
      water boarding is not only legal but it's aerobic. (David Letterman)

      Dick Cheney says former President Bush ignored his advice to take
      military action against Iran's nuclear program. That's true. Bush also
      ignored Cheney's advice to attack Switzerland, Jamaica and Antarctica.
      (Conan O'Brien)

      A spokesperson for Sarah Palin says she's about 85 percent finished
      with her book which means that Sarah Palin is finished with her book.
      (Conan O'Brien)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      In Michigan a 23-year-old man on his first date with a woman skipped
      out on their restaurant bill and then stole her car. That's not speed
      dating. That's dating a guy on speed. (Doug Austen)

      A man recently said he robbed a bank two years ago so he would go to
      jail and get away from his overbearing wife. Please, Frank Gifford,
      get some help! (Jerry Perisho)

      SECURITY & TERRORISM

      President Obama says prisoner interrogations must meet Army Field
      Manual guidelines. The C. I.A. claims their interrogation guide is
      already based on the Army manual, specifically the part where you have
      to break apart a militant and then reassemble him in under a minute.
      (Todd Long)

      NASA & SPACE

      On display in the Rijkmuseum and insured for $500,000, a "moon rock"
      gifted to former Dutch Prime Minister Willem Drees by Apollo-11
      astronauts shortly after their 1969 lunar landing has been exposed as
      petrified wood worth about $50. The revelation recalls the 1998
      discovery that "dust" claimed to have been scraped from Neil
      Armstrong's boot was nothing but dried cream cheese. (Bob Mills)

      MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

      The United States and Cuba will start talks this month on resuming
      direct mail service for the first time since 1963. The US will fly
      mail into Havana on a Boeing 727. Mail from Havana will arrive in
      Miami on a rusted 1964 Ford pickup body floating on 4 oil drums.
      (Jerry Perisho)

      INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

      India lost contact with its only communications satellite orbiting the
      moon – announcing that its scientists are no longer controlling the
      spacecraft. The tech support guys didn’t have a clue how to help them;
      the call center was somewhere in Ohio. (Jerry Perisho)

      AFRICA

      Libyan dictator Muhammar Gadhaffi says he wants to stay in New Jersey
      during his visit to the U.N. next month. Apparently after living in
      war torn Libya his whole life he likes to stay where he can feel right
      at home. (Jim Barach)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      New York City says it's going to be more prepared this fall for the
      swine flu than it was last spring. The new strategy relies mainly on
      isolating the people most likely to have serious ailments, which means
      quarantining everyone on the New York Mets. (Jake Novak)

      THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      In Brazil, as part of an effort to conserve water, the government has
      started a campaign to ask people to urinate in the shower. And in the
      U. S., millions of men have just declared themselves conservationists.
      (Janice Hough)

      Southern California was declared a disaster area. Federal officials
      say they're applying the disaster management lesson of Hurricane
      Katrina. The lesson is, push the flames toward wealthy people with
      insurance, then let the lawyers sort it out. (Argus Hamilton)

      California firefighters saved the TV towers atop Mount Wilson Tuesday.
      Network broadcasts could have been destroyed by the blaze. In order
      for President Obama to address Los Angeles next week he would have had
      to materialize next to a burning bush. (Argus Hamilton)

      For the first time in decades, the hunting of the gray wolf is legal
      again in the United States. Conspiracy theorists says this is all
      because of the power three little pigs lobby. (Jake Novak)

      SPORTS

      The Little League World Series continues. This game is a bit different
      from the major leagues. When the players juice here, it's usually
      apple or tropical punch. (Alan Ray)

      Congratulations to the boys from Chula Vista, a suburb of San Diego.
      They just won the Little League World Series. The team could end up
      with an invitiation to Petco Park, except that management is afraid
      they may beat the Padres. (Janice Hough)

      Former Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling said yesterday that he
      has "some interest" in running for Ted Kennedy's seat in Senate. He'd
      be the first on the floor of the US Senate to deliver a speech while
      covering his mouth with his glove. (Jerry Perisho)

      Who says size matters? Pedro Martinez and Tim Lincecum allowed only 3
      runs in 15 innings between them Thursday night. And the two of them
      together weigh less than Shaquille ONeal. Heck, the two of them
      together might weigh less than C. C. Sabathia. (Janice Hough)

      The International House of Pancakes, reflecting its status as a new
      NFL sponsor, has added items such as football shaped AFC/NFC Stuffed
      French Toast and the Quarterback Scramble to its menu. What, no Brett
      Favre Waffles? (Dwight Perry)

      After quarterback Michael Vick got a rousing ovation in his Eagles
      debut from the notoriously tough Philadelphia crowd: "Maybe Santa
      Claus should get into dogfighting." (Bill Littlejohn)

      How badly are the SF Giants doing with men in scoring position? About
      as well as a group of fraternity guys on a lesbian cruise. (Janice
      Hough)

      Vikings quarterback Brett Favre will not play against the Dallas
      Cowboys Friday night to avoid injury. Or, to avoid exhaustion; no, to
      avoid injury. Wait, to avoid excessive travel; no, exhaustion; no,
      injury. (Jerry Perisho)

      Maybe the Cubs aren't quite dead and Wrigley Field isn't officially a
      crime scene yet, but when the Cubs look over their shoulders, they
      don't see shadows, just their own outlines in chalk. (Thomas Boswell).

      The White Sox aren't mathematically dead, but they can see the top of
      coffin from here. (Steve Rosenbloom)
      -
      Former Monteal Canadiens coach Jacque Demers, a self-described former
      functional illiterate, has been appointed to the Canadian. Big deal,
      down in the U. S., we elected a functional illiterate President.
      (Janice Hough)

      If Brett Favre sees his shadow on Groundhog Day, will that mean six
      more weeks of retirement? (Len Berman Sports)

      The NFL has ruled that a ball hitting the video screen at Cowboys
      Stadium will be played as a "do over". The only question is will they
      be able to use instant replay on a do over or would that be redundant?
      (Jim Barach)

      The U. S. Open tennis tournament has begun. The world's best players
      all flock to the New York City area chasing that coveted prize. A cab
      that doesn't smell. (Alan Ray)

      USC cornerback Shareece Wright is academically ineligible for the 2009
      season. This follows the team's starting fullback Stanley Havili being
      unable to play in last year's Rose Bowl for academic reasons, and
      backup quarterback Mitch Mustain having eligibility issues earlier
      this year. Now we know what USC really means – Usually Skipping Class.
      (Janice Hough)

      Stanford football coach Jim Harbaugh, saying trips to the athletic-
      department bathroom take too much time, got a Cardinal booster to
      bankroll a $50,000-plus john for his office. Or as Farm types prefer
      to spin it, the season's first bowl commitment. (Dwight Perry)

      Onterrio Smith's infamous Whizzinator — which proved an NFL Waterloo
      of sorts for the ex-Vikings running back — went for $750 at an auction
      Friday night in the Minnesota town of Shakopee. (Dwight Perry)

      For first time, the Yankees announced that tickets for playoff games
      will be cheaper than the price of regular season seats. Millionaires
      throughout the city cheered that they could finally afford a ticket.
      (Jerry Perisho)

      After the famed tennis-playing William sisters became part-owners of
      the NFL Dolphins, confusion ensued. Serena ended up carrying six
      times against Tampa Bay on Thursday, and Ricky is seeded No. 2 in the
      U. S. Open. (Greg Cote)

      Current Bengal QB Carson Palmer might want to weigh his options before
      the perpetual Cincy circus bungles his career. "I lived it; I know.
      He's a great talent who is going through the Cincinnati Bengals' car
      wash, and there's no wax." (Boomer Esiason)

      THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

      One of the Bush twins, Jenna, 27 years old now, not just a kid. So
      now, listen this. Jenna Bush — talk about a great gig — is going to be
      on the "Today" show. And if there is anything this country needs, it's
      more of that family. And I just hope she has her father's facility
      with words. That would be nice. They say Jenna will contribute about
      once a month. It's the same schedule her old man had. (David Letterman)

      "Good Morning America" anchor Diane Sawyer will replace retiring
      Charlie Gibson as anchor of ABC's "World News" in January, 2010. That
      means two of the three top evening news people will be women; three
      out of four if you count Sean Hannity. (Jerry Perisho)

      ABC says it will not air an ad critical of President Obama's health
      care reform plan because it doesn't meet their standards. Yet they
      still plan to air "Cougar Town." (Todd Long)

      CELEBRITIES

      Michael Jackson was placed in a mausoleum Friday next to Walt Disney
      and Three Stooges star Larry Fine. He's between a cartoonist and a
      stooge. They wanted to find a appropriate resting place and they
      finally settled on the Low Comedy Pavilion. (Argus Hamilton)

      A newspaper in Britain claims that 29-year-old actor Macaulay Culkin
      is the biological father of Michael Jackson's 7-year-old son, Blanket.
      So, he wasn't really "home alone", after all; he had an empty test
      tube with him. (Jerry Perisho)

      The rumor is that Brad Pitt is in hot water with Angelina Jolie for a
      long drinking binge. Who can blame Pitt? When he started seeing
      Angelina she was a bi-sexual drugged-out party girl, now she is Mother
      Teresa who can't walk past a baby surrounded by flies without adopting
      it. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Chris Brown told Larry King he doesn’t remember hitting Rhianna. Sad
      for him because that’s probably the last hit he’ll ever have in his
      career. (Pedro Bartes)

      Carrie Prejean is suing the Miss California pageant because she claims
      being fired damaged her career. Let's see, how many former Miss
      Californias can you name? Maybe the pageant should sue her for non-
      payment of publicity services rendered. Or, as suggested by a couple
      friends, ask for their implants back. (Janice Hough)

      Megan Fox said in a new interview with Cosmopolitan magazine that "if
      you're in a heterosexual relationship and you're a female, you win."
      She says she has "vagina power". There are 10 million men in this
      country who want to help her feel superior. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Today Show hired President Bush's daughter Jenna as a
      correspondent Monday to do stories about education. It's historic that
      another Bush is going into public life. This means that U. S. troops
      will be standing by in Kuwait for one more generation. (Argus Hamilton)

      In a new interview, the Miss Universe choreographer says that the
      pageant is fixed by Donald Trump, who hand picks six of the finalists
      before any judging takes place. Trump's fingerprints are all over this
      pageant; especially on the ass of Miss Venezuela's swimsuit. (Jerry
      Perisho)

      Bill Gates says he and a team of scientists will patent a technology
      to stop hurricanes. I guess he thinks this is easier than first
      developing a technology to stop Windows from crashing? (Janice Hough)

      Madonna will direct her second feature film, a movie musical about the
      socialite Wallis Simpson, who married English King Edward VIII after
      he abdicated the throne. The movie's title: "Desperately Seeking
      Distribution.' (Jerry Perisho)

      "Manson Family" member Susan Atkins has been denied parole by
      California despite being terminally ill with brain cancer. The state
      actually did want to release her, but it can't afford to send her to
      Libya. (Jake Novak)

      Monica Lewinski turned 36 this summer. Which means she is a little
      more than half way to sixty nine, which is exactly what happened with
      her and Bill. (Janice Hough)

      You have to be wary of men with mustaches. Stalin had a mustache;
      Hitler had a mustache; Saddam Hussein had a mustache. Tom Selleck had
      a mustache. (Craig Ferguson)

      Michelle Duggar is pregnant again and is expecting her 19th baby. The
      doctor said this time the delivery is going to be hard, it is going to
      be difficult to convince the kid to come out when there’s more room
      inside the womb than in a room with 20 other siblings. (Pedro Bartes)

      EDUCATION

      The teacher in Florida who was fired for having a side job as a
      "bikini" girl is now doing porno. Apparently she got into porno
      because she missed all the action she used to have as a teacher.
      (Pedro Bartes)

      A New Jersey social studies teacher is accused of taking money from
      students to improve grades. She has a logical alibi. Her lecture that
      day was "How Government Works." (Alan Ray)

      RELIGION

      Big name guest stars including Debra Messing, Greg Kinnear, Ben
      Stiller, Jake Gyllenhaal and Christina Applegate will appear in the 12-
      part Muppet series "Shalom Sesame," taped in Israel, to teach children
      about the Jewish culture. In the opening segment, Miss Piggy will
      explain how she became kosher, Big Bird has his Bar Mitzvah and Kermit
      the Frog will sing "It's Not Easy Being Hassidic." (Bob Mills)

      A new version of the Bible is being published that is gender-neutral.
      For instance, the books of “Mark, Luke, and John” are now the books of
      “Kris, Jean, and Terry.” (Conan O'Brien)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      Medical marijuana should be between patient and doctor. It's a joint
      decision. (Gil Stern)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Michigan-based Eternal Images, Inc. is marketing caskets and urns in
      the colors of major league baseball teams including the L.A. Dodgers,
      whose models include the "Fernando Valenzuela" which features a built-
      in taco maker; the "Tommy Lasorda" which includes an all-you-can-eat
      salad bar; and the "Vince Scully" with a recording of Vinny doing the
      play-by-play of the deceased's memorial service. (Bob Mills)

      The IHOP deal with the NFL could lend new meaning to the term "pancake
      block". (Bob Mills)

      Google will soon allow users to translate any web page into Yiddish.
      It makes reading the news a lot more fun: “Obama shlepped to North
      Korea where he shvitzed for a whole week. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A 95 year old bartender in Pennsylvania is retiring after pouring
      beers for 76 years. His only time away from the job was a 30 month
      stint with the Army in WWII. Of course, he was drafted. He describes
      his qualifications for the job as being stout with a good head, and
      more importantly after all these years he isn't bitter. (Jim Barach)

      HOLIDAYS

      Monday is Labor Day. There once was a time when workers were exploited
      with low pay, long hours, and no benefits. It was last Tuesday, 10AM
      at Walmart. (Alan Ray)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
    Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.