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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-29-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Congratulations, Brett Favre, on setting the NFL record for incomplete
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 29, 2009
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-29-09


      Congratulations, Brett Favre, on setting the NFL record for incomplete
      retirements. (Stephen Colbert)

      Things that will take some getting used to this NFL season: Favre in a
      Minnesota Vikings jersey, calling the Arizona Cardinals the "reigning
      NFC champions" and do-over punts. (David Thomas)

      Hawaii protesters demanded independence from the U.S. Monday, claiming
      they were victims of imperialism. It's trouble. By the time President
      Obama gets back from his vacation he could be retroactively ineligible
      to be president of the United States. (Argus Hamilton)

      Fox News host Glenn Beck has lost over 30 sponsors since he called
      President Obama a racist. And the latest sponsor that he just lost is
      Clorox bleach. That's amazing. Even a company whose sole purpose is to
      make things whiter thinks Glenn Beck has gone too far. (Conan O'Brien)

      One of the things that makes Republicans furious about our current
      president is their idea that he's always apologizing for America's
      biggest mistakes. Unlike President Bush, who was one of America's
      biggest mistakes. (Bill Maher)

      Tom Cable's favorite candy? Jawbreakers, of course. (Jerry Crowe)

      Everyone in Athens is now painfully aware of how dangerous Greece
      fires can be. (Gary Hallock)

      General Motors has announced it's going to be removing its GM "Mark of
      Excellence" logo from all GM cars. Of course, the GM Mark of
      Excellence logo doesn't usually have to be removed because after 50
      miles, it just falls off. (Conan O'Brien)

      A rapist was arrested after one of his victims bit off his tongue.
      Police couldn’t help but laugh when they told him he had the right to
      remain silence. (Pedro Bartes)

      That's what American democracy has come down to at these town hall
      meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I
      heard somebody yell 'AK-47!' and a lady yelled, 'Bingo!' (Bill Maher)

      What do you call it when so-called institutions of higher learning —
      the ones who don't even graduate half their players — pay their
      football coaches millions of dollars? A: The "Cash for Flunkers"
      program. (Dwight Perry)

      Workplace suicides are up 28% from last year, according to the Labor
      Department. Those people are officially listed on employment rolls as
      "dead weight". (Jim Barach)

      The White House was reported Monday pushing for all boys born in
      America to be circumcised. No one was surprised. It only stands to
      reason that after running up a nine trillion dollar deficit the only
      cuts they'd propose would be on foreskins. (Argus Hamilton)

      There’s another Cask for Clunkers program scheduled for six months
      from now: That’s when the Minnesota Vikings will try to trade Brett
      Favre. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      No wonder so many of the insured are happy with their health insurance
      companies. The ones who were denied aren't with us anymore. (James

      And then there's the people who come to the town hall meetings about
      health care and think that Obama is going to do the same thing that
      Hitler did. I mean, what can't you tell these people that they won't
      believe? I could start a rumor right now. I could say, you know what?
      Under Obama's health care plan, when you bring your child to a
      pediatrician, from now on, when he's done, instead of giving him a
      balloon, he's going to give the kid a condom. Stupid is a preexisting
      condition, yes. (Bill Maher)

      And apparently, it's now no longer enough to be screaming as they've
      been doing at the town hall meetings. They're now bringing guns. I
      would say these people are armed to the teeth, but they have no teeth.
      (Bill Maher)

      And they're also bringing guns to events with the president of the
      United States. Did you see these people with the assault rifles? There
      was a guy -- and it was a black guy -- holding a big assault rifle,
      which is terrible news for white people. I mean, first we lose our
      dominance over music, then sports, then golf, then the presidency.
      Now, black people are taking over the gun-toting redneck industry.
      (Bill Maher)

      The "New York Times" is reporting that health officials are thinking
      hard about promoting "universal circumcision". That’s a great TIP!
      (Pedro Bartes)

      Obama has a great money-saving idea for health care. Here's what he's
      saying — if you need an X-ray and you don't have the money or you
      don't have proper health coverage and you need that X-ray, just drop
      by an airport, go right through the scanner. They'll send you the
      results. (David Letterman)

      The AARP says it's not worried that 60,000 members left over the
      group's support of health care reform. Because at AARP, they're used
      to a lot of memberships suddenly ending. (Todd Long)

      A study says that Ibuprofen is the best medication for children with
      broken arms. Ibuprofen is actually what is suggested for every medical
      problem under the Republican version of Health Care Reform. (Jim Barach)


      The latest rumor is that President Obama is going to have dinner on
      Martha's Vineyard with Oprah Winfrey. That's right, ladies and
      gentlemen. The most powerful person in the free world is going to have
      dinner with President Obama. (Conan O'Brien)

      The White House is denying rumors that President Obama has plans to
      play a round of golf with Tiger Woods, although Obama is planning to
      ask Tiger Woods if the government can borrow $300 trillion. (Conan

      On Martha's Vineyard, they're serving a new drink inspired by Obama.
      It's an Obamarita. After three Obamaritas, a $9 trillion deficit
      doesn't look so bad. This is not the first time a president has
      inspired a cocktail. Remember George W. Bush? He inspired the
      Mojidiot. (David Letterman)

      President Barack Obama will appear in a back-to-school TV special next
      month with Kelly Clarkson and LeBron James. The president plans to
      explain to kids that schoolyard arguments should not be settled with
      beer. (Paul Seaburn)

      Michelle Obama wants set up a farmers market just outside the White
      House. It is perfect idea, because they can use as a fertilizer all
      the manure the White House has been producing for years. (Pedro Bartes)


      How did the terms "Bull Market" and "Bear Market" get their names?
      It's called a "Bull Market" because in times of rising stock prices,
      investors must listen to a lot of bull on the safety of investing
      their life saving on risky ventures. It's called a "Bear Market" when
      stock prices fall because most investors lose their shirts and can't
      replace them so are forced to go bare. (Stan Kegel)

      Right in the tire tracks of "cash for clunkers," Congress introduces a
      new program offering $50 to $200 trade in your old home appliances.
      Oh! Oh! I want to name this one. "Reefer Madness." (Bill Williams)

      In October, the feds will set aside $300 million to assist consumers'
      purchases of household appliances, like dishwashers and washing
      machines. Oh sure, it will help cut energy use, but the real benefit
      is washing all the cocaine off your money. (Jerry Perisho)

      Newsweek is reporting that Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke was the victim
      of identity theft in 2008. It turns out a bunch of big banks used his
      name to charge the taxpayers for a $700 billion bailout. (Jake Novak)


      Apparently God is going all out to make Ted Kennedy comfortable in
      Heaven. When He asked if he could do anything for the Senator, Ted
      said he wouldn't mind watching the healthcare debate with a couple of
      his Republican colleagues. (Janice Hough)

      A story in the NY Times says with all the various appointments and
      resignations, almost 27 percent of Americans will soon be represented
      by at least one unelected senator. Big deal, after the 2000 election
      100 percent of us were represented by an unelected president. (Janice

      Alec Baldwin said Monday he may run against Joe Lieberman for the U.S.
      Senate. The senator left the Democratic Party three years ago. He saw
      the party's collapse coming so early that short sellers on Wall Street
      now call him every day for tips. (Argus Hamilton)


      Hawaiians rallied in Honolulu Tuesday demanding independence from the
      U.S. They say the annexation of Hawaii was an act of U.S. and British
      imperialism which must be avenged. Maybe now everyone will believe
      that Barack Obama was born in Hawaii. (Argus Hamilton)

      Governor Schwarzenegger is trying to reduce California's deficit by
      auctioning off state holdings that he says are no longer needed. So
      check out the auction if you're looking to buy real estate,
      construction equipment, or the Los Angeles Clippers. (Conan O'Brien)

      Florida's population has dropped for the first time since 1946.
      Apparently the economy has gotten so bad, the Cubans are actually
      rowing back home. (Jim Barach)


      This is weird. Former President Clinton recently had to clear out of
      his office for a few days because it's infested with bed bugs. Experts
      are calling it the 500th reason President Clinton shouldn't be allowed
      to have a bed in his office. (Conan O'Brien)


      A freshman Republican congresswoman apologized Thursday for telling a
      gathering in her district that the GOP was still searching for a
      "great white hope" to stop President Barack Obama's political agenda.
      Yeah, that's what Republicans get for letting women into the party.
      (Joe Hickman)


      Orange County police ID'd a murdered swimsuit model Friday by the
      serial numbers on her breast implants. Nobody knew they were there.
      From now on if you ask a girl in an L.A. bar for her number, bring a
      bright light so she can read it through her skin. (Argus Hamilton)


      The White House created a unit to interrogate terror detainees Monday
      instead of the CIA. They won't be allowed to torture, waterboard, or
      humiliate them. The Republicans are just outraged, that's a violation
      of the vice president's prerogative. . (Argus Hamilton)

      Newly declassified CIA documents were released that detailed past
      interrogation abuses during the George W. Bush era. One detainee was
      threatened with a power drill. I believe it was a Blackwater and
      Decker. (Frank King)

      A new memo from the CIA has surfaced outlining approved torture
      methods: waterboarding, sleep deprivation, face-slapping . . . and
      attending a Donald Trump real estate seminar. (David Letterman)


      Well, another Second Amendment moron showed up at a town hall rally
      with an automatic rifle strapped to his back. He didn’t leave with it,
      though. The pickpocket standing behind him did. (Frank King)

      NASA & SPACE

      A damaged valve is delaying the launch of the Shuttle Discovery for
      another week. One more week and NASA will trade Discovery in for a
      $4.5 billion rebate in the "Cash for Clunker Shuttles" program. (Jake


      Mexico's government on Friday decriminalized possession of user
      amounts of heroin and pot and cocaine. Reaction was swift. The
      Cincinnati Bengals announced that next season they will play four
      exhibition games and all eight home games in Acapulco. (Argus Hamilton)


      A British man has complained to candy maker Haribo about a candy
      wrapper that depicts a "male" lime having sex with a cartoon lemon.
      Those bloody limeys! (Pedro Bartes)


      Charges of election fraud fly in Afghanistan. The Taliban faction had
      promised a hands off approach. If you didn’t vote for their
      candidates, hands off. (Alan Ray)

      Voters went to the polls in Afghanistan last week. A progressive
      candidate for president is calling for more women's rights. He likes
      to start off his stump speech with a good joke. (Alan Ray)

      Here's the way it stands now. Hamid Karzai is leading in the election
      and he picked up a lot of swing voters, they said, in the Afghanistan
      elections, because of his No Infidel Left Behind program. (David


      This is weird. North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il recently met with the
      C. E.O. of Hyundai. Apparently, the story is Hyundai wants to build
      cars in North Korea while Kim wants to use their windshields as
      sunglasses. (Conan O'Brien)


      According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly
      does not lead to harder drugs. In fact, the study shows that smoking
      pot regularly does not lead to doing much of anything. (Conan O'Brien)

      A new study finds the average woman spends 16 months, or 12,000 hours,
      of her life crying. And double that if she's a Cubs fan. (Dwight Perry)

      A doctor who published some answers to the Rorschach ink blot test is
      being blasted by psychologists. One therapist fumed: "I've already had
      to throw three tests out the window when the subjects all said that
      card No. 7 looks like three red ants having make-up sex on a tuna
      sandwich." (Neil Berliner)

      A study says that marriage may prevent Alzheimer's Disease. Mostly
      because anyone who is married knows their wife never let's them forget
      ANYTHING. (Jim Barach)

      The latest health craze? Camel milk. Yeah, supposedly it is creamier
      and sweeter than cow milk. There is one unfortunate side affect from
      drinking camel milk, you instantly develop a deep and abiding hatred
      against yourself as a Western infidel dog. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Discovery Magazine reported Monday that a scientist says he's only
      four months from creating artificial life. It's been tried for years.
      Every body part has been replicated and reassembled and the best that
      science could come up with was Joan Rivers. (Argus Hamilton)

      A rock in a Dutch museum thought to be a moon rock turned out to be a
      worthless piece of petrified wood. It's the same disappointment
      Kimberly Conrad had on her honeymoon with Hugh Hefner. (Alex Kaseberg)


      For $39.99, NFL shop, the leagues online merchandising vehicle, is
      selling a Philadelphia Eagles jersey for dogs that can be customized
      with Michael Vick's name and number on the back. No joke. Final score:
      Irony 1 Good Taste 0. (Bob Molinaro)

      Michael Vick plays his first exhibition game Thursday with the Eagles.
      Unfortunate irony. The stadium promotion this night is Bark in the
      Park. (Alan Ray)

      The Philadelphia Eagles are selling a dog jersey with Michael Vick's
      number and name. It's for owners who think it's funny for dogs to wear
      a dog killer's jersey. In another sign of the public mood, Dick
      Cheney's approval rating doubled this month. (Argus Hamilton)

      In New York Sunday, Phillies second baseman Eric Bruntlett turned an
      unassisted triple play against the Mets. The last person to nail three
      ball players in rapid succession; Madonna. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Yankees are a little taken aback by Teixeira. They are a little
      shaken by Teixeira. It's the first time in a deal that they've ever
      got their money's worth. They don't know what to do. (David Letterman)

      The NFL issued stadium drinking rules Friday limiting fans to two
      twenty-ounce beers, or two six-ounce glasses of wine, or two shots of
      hard liquor. This is outrageous. Health care reform hasn't even been
      passed yet and already it's led to rationing. (Argus Hamilton)

      No one quite knows what Brett Favre’s role will be on the Vikings. One
      thing is for sure, they’re not going to let him anywhere NEAR the coin
      toss. (Janice Hough)

      The ownership group of the Miami Dolphins includes Serena and Venus
      Williams, Gloria Estefan, Jennifer Lopez and Jimmy Buffet. The big
      problem will be people mistaking the owners' boxes for the set of
      "Hollywood Squares." (Brad Dickson)

      Apparently New York Yankee Derek Jeter girlfriend Minka Kelly and Alex
      Rodriguez's girlfriend Kate Hudson do not like each other. It's
      serious, the Yankees are going to hire extra security on bat day.
      (Alex Kaseberg)

      What do you call it when so-called institutions of higher learning —
      the ones who don't even graduate half their players — pay their
      football coaches millions of dollars? A: The "Cash for Flunkers"
      program. (Dwight Perry)

      Next Saturday night the SF Giants have designated it "Creature
      Features" night at the ballpark, and will show "The Night of the
      Living Dead" on the scoreboard after the game. The movie will be
      dedicated to the Giants' offense. (Janice Hough)

      Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino says the furor surrounding the
      news of his recent affair has been "pure hell" for his family. Pitino
      got calls of support from Louisville boosters, words of encouragement
      from members of his team, and the name of a great diamond merchant
      from Kobe Bryant. (Jerry Perisho)

      Kentucky vs. Louisville will be a historic matchup this season as
      cheat-branded coach John Calipari and sex-scandalized coach Rick
      Patino set a new NCAA record for most combined embarrassment. (Greg

      NBA guard Quinton Richardson has been traded four times in seven weeks
      from the Knicks to the Grizzlies to the Clippers to the Timberwolves
      to the Heat. For those of you scoring at home, his $8.7 million
      ccontract has racked up 5,592 frequent-flyer miles. (Dwight Perry)

      Just wondering: Do both of Ron Artest's personalities count against
      the Laker's salary cap? (Jim Armstrong)

      Little League World Series continues. This game is a bit different
      from the MLB. When the players juice here, it’s usually apple or
      tropical punch. (Alan Ray)

      The NFL is investigating Oakland Raider coach Tom Cable's punching and
      fracturing the jaw of an assistant coach. The good news? It was the
      first decent hit by a Raider in two years. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The NFL exhibition season continues. Fans can expect bone crushing
      action from the Oakland Raiders this year. And that’s just in the
      coaches’ meeting. (Alan Ray)

      The NFL is investigating the Raiders' alleged Punchergate scandal. To
      leave this kind of decision up to Al Davis in 2009 is sort of like
      asking a guy in a coma to solve a Sudoku." (Jack Finarelli)

      On IAAF officials saying tests on South Africa's Semenya — to
      determine if she is male or female — might take weeks: "Hey, not where
      I come from, buddy!" (Greg Cote)

      The jury still seems to be out on Caster Semenya. The first results
      are already back on Caster Semenya, the embattled women's 800-meter
      world champion, and it's not looking good. "While there have been
      calls for the athlete to take a gender test," noted the London Daily
      Mirror, "could the answer be found by a quick rearrangement of her
      name? "A jiggle of the letters provides the anagram 'A secret man?
      Yes.' " (Dwight Perry)

      When you make the runners pee in a cup to check for drugs, you must
      also check to see if they're peeing standing up. A South African
      runner has been ordered to undergo a test to determine if she's really
      a woman. Which is fine, but if we're really interested in testing
      which track star is what gender, shouldn't we start with Bruce Jenner?
      (Bill Maher)

      During the preseason, NFL team’s starting defense scrimmage their
      starting offense. In a sadly related story, in a scrimmage of the
      Detroit Lions, both sides lost. (comedy writer Alex Kaseberg)

      On 305-pound tackle Cordarrow Thompson, who once weighed 340: "Gravy
      used to be a beverage for him." (Bud Foster)


      Wizard of Oz” is 70 years old this week. A remake would not be as
      good. If Dorothy were to encounter men with no brain, no heart, and no
      courage, she’d be in Congress. (Alan Ray)

      The cable channel A&E announced plans to produce a reality show
      starring the late singer Michael Jackson's brothers. I think it's
      called "Dancing With the Out-of-Work Brothers of a Star." (Paul Seaburn)

      Some guests at the Standard Hotel in Manhattan fail to close their
      curtains and can be seen naked in front of the floor-to-ceiling
      windows from a park below. Look, up in the sky: It's a bird, it's a
      plane, it's a naked guy from New Jersey. (Doug Austen)


      A total of 33 advertisers asked that their commercials not air on
      Glenn Beck's Fox News show after he called President Obama a racist.
      Appropriately, the only sponsor to hang on: Crazy Glue. (Doug Austen)

      Fox News Channel talk show host Glenn Beck has lost 33 advertisers
      since calling Pres. Obama a racist. KFC remains an advertiser, but on
      Beck's show they sell buckets of chicken that contain only far right
      wings. (Jerry Perisho)


      Michael Jackson's death was ruled a homicide by the Los Angeles
      coroner's office Monday. He was on Atavan, Valium, Paxil, Demerol and
      the hospital anesthetic propofol. He was killed by a bullet fired two
      years ago but it was July before he felt anything. (Argus Hamilton)

      Michael Jackson's drug intake was detailed in the coroner's report
      Monday. The drugs he took gradually stopped working and he needed more
      and more of them. Al Sharpton was right when he said the message of
      Jackson's life was increased tolerance. (Argus Hamilton)

      Michael Jackson's death was ruled a homicide by the Los Angeles County
      coroner on Monday. It seems fitting that his death was every bit as
      weird as his life. He is survived by his parents, three children, four
      brothers, three sisters, six noses, a chimpanzee and five non-
      disclosure agreements. (Argus Hamilton)

      Either bury Michael Jackson's body or send it out on that concert
      tour. Earlier this week, Joe Jackson said Michael would be buried at
      the end of the month, and now that's been postponed. I don't know
      what's creepier: the fact that he's going to spend eternity as a
      zombie, or that he saw it coming. (Bill Maher)

      Michael Jackson died on June 25th and he still hasn't been buried.
      Let's hope he gets buried soon. You don't want to be caught dead
      wearing white socks and a white glove after Labor Day. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Westwood Cemetery allowed the auction of the crypt above Marilyn
      Monroe's crypt on eBay Monday for five million dollars. Now that's a
      star. Jack Kennedy will go down in American history as the last man
      who got to rest on top of Marilyn Monroe for free. (Argus Hamilton)

      Celine Dion is pregnant again. Her morning sickness is an odd
      occurrence. Normally, she makes other people throw up.(Alan Ray)

      The rumor is that Brad Pitt is in hot water with Angelina Jolie for a
      long drinking binge. Who can blame Pitt? When he started seeing
      Angelina she was a bi-sexual drugged-out party girl, now she is Mother
      Teresa who can't walk past a baby surrounded by flies without adopting
      it. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Former Congressman Tom DeLay has been chosen as a contestant on
      "Dancing With The Stars". Apparently producers liked the way he
      sidestepped his way right out of going to prison. (Jim Barach)

      Elizabeth Edwards opened up her new furniture store in Chapel Hill,
      North Carolina. Husband John was there for the ceremony. That was nice
      of him. Even better, he didn't bring a date. (Tim Hunter)

      Elizabeth Edwards opened a furniture store in Chapel Hill Saturday.
      Her cheating husband John was seen carrying furniture into the store.
      As a man who slept on all those couches, he can tell the customers
      personally which ones are the most comfortable. (Argus Hamilton)

      Phil Specter has complained to his friends that he is in prison with
      convicts who would kill for "a 39 cent bag of soup." Apparently
      Specter would prefer to be with people, like him, who kill just for
      the fun of it. (Alex Kaseberg)

      KISS will release their new CD "Sonic Boom" exclusively through Wal-
      Mart. Not to say the band is getting old, but the CD will be sold at a
      discount for anyone transferring their prescriptions to the Wal-Mart
      pharmacy. (Jim Barach)

      The rumor is that among the items stolen from Lindsay Lohen's house
      are sex tapes and pictures that could be embarrassing for Lohan. That
      is shocking. It is actually still possible to embarrass Lindsay Lohan?
      (Alex Kaseberg)

      Don Hewitt, creator and executive producer of "60 Minutes," has died
      of pancreatic cancer at age 86. His eulogy was immediately followed by
      Andy Rooney whining about hats. (Todd Long)

      While hiking on Gibraltar Island near Spain, "American Pie" actor
      Jason Biggs was attacked by a Gibraltar monkey. He's OK, but the
      scariest part for Biggs was when the monkey slapped him and ordered
      him to; "Say my name, bitch." (Alex Kaseberg)


      The scores on SAT tests taken by college-bound high school seniors
      have fallen for the last five years in a row. It's because test
      officials won't let the students "tweet" their essay answers in 140
      characters or less. (Jerry Perisho)


      In a recent study, two-thirds of college students said their
      generation was more "self-promoting, narcissistic, overconfident and
      attention-seeking than others." The other third said they were just
      naturally more outgoing and gifted. (Janice Hough)

      So Riverdale's Archie Andrews and Veronica Lodge are finally getting
      married. But what a weird engagement-gift wish list: X-ray specs; sea
      monkeys; an ant hill farm; itching powder; hot pepper gum; that
      telescope that gives you a black eye. I hear Joe Weider is gonna be
      the best man. (Marc Ragovin)


      Yesterday was National Go Topless Day. I wasn’t impressed; I get to
      see boobs all the time, I work in congress. (Pedro Bartes)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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