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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-30-08 Part 2 The Rest of the News

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-30-08 Part 2 The Rest of the News AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK The Beijing Olympics officially ended yesterday with
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 30, 2008
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-30-08
      Part 2 The Rest of the News


      The Beijing Olympics officially ended yesterday with the closing
      ceremonies. Yeah, afterwards, all the tourists went home to their
      countries, and all the Chinese women gymnasts went back to
      kindergarten." (Conan O'Brien)

      Conservatives are warning John McCain not to choose a pro-choice
      running mate... or, or, or... okay, they'll still vote for him, but
      they won't like it! (Jake Novak)

      President Bush was asking about Denver, the site of the Democratic
      National Convention. When told it was a snowboarding capital, Bush
      asked if snowboarding was how they tortured people during the winter
      months. (Jim Barach)

      Ellen DeGeneres says that she and Portia de Rossi talk about having
      kids... so they can both hit on a future nanny. (Pedro Bartes)

      The founder of the Enzyte male enhancement pill company has been
      convicted and sentenced for fraud... an amazing accomplishment for
      prosecutors since no one was willing to complain about the products
      publicly. (Jake Novak)


      Republican officials said yesterday that they are considering delaying
      the start of the GOP convention in Minneapolis-St. Paul because of
      Gustav. When Bush heard the news, he called McCain and told him to
      offer Gustav anything he wants to accept the VP position. (Pedro Bartes)

      President Bush and Dick Cheney are expected to speak on the first day
      of the Republican National Convention. Organizers are concerned, it is
      going to be hard to find seat warmers willing to endure those
      speeches. (Pedro Bartes)

      Like Barack Obama did with text messages, John McCain is hoping to
      inform his core supporters of his V.P. choice in the best way... so
      he's going to print the name of his running mate on a bunch of menu's
      for Denny's early bird special. (Jake Novak)

      John McCain is mulling his vice presidential choice. He'll most likely
      pick someone much younger than he. His short list is down to 300
      million. (Alan Ray)

      Senator John McCain is said to announce his running mate today. Most
      of the media believes there's a short list, it could be Pawlenty,
      Mashed Potatoes or Cole Slaw. (Pedro Bartes)

      John McCain has finally decided on his vice president. The only
      question now is from which house will he make the announcement. (David

      John McCain has chosen youthful Sarah Palin as his running mate. The
      McCain campaign got the idea after seeing a re-run of "Punky
      Brewster." (Jake Novak)

      Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz) used the announcement of his vice-
      presidential pick, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, to blast the
      experience of his Democratic rival, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill), arguing
      that Sen. Obama has never been the mayor of a 5,000-person town. "The
      Presidency of the United States of America is the toughest job on the
      planet…" While saying that her "vast experience" was the main reason
      he selected Gov. Palin, Sen. McCain said that she also had the other
      three qualifications he was looking for in a vice president: "She is
      pro-life, pro-drilling, and willing to housesit." (Andy Borowitz)

      According to the Dayton Daily News, Sen. John McCain was having
      trouble filling a 10,000 seat arena for a Friday rally where he would
      unveil his running mate. Then he picked up the phone and called every
      person that takes care of his houses and problem solved. (Pedro Bartes)

      The Republican Convention is next week. John McCain's campaign told
      President Bush that despite his low popularity, he will be allowed to
      speak at the first night of the convention. He also told Bush that the
      convention starts in December. (Conan O'Brien)

      President Bush gave a rousing inspirational speech yesterday to the
      U.S. Olympics Fencing team. Bush told the athletes, "Now go out there
      and build that fence." (Conan O'Brien)


      China has been asked to provide additional documents proving that five
      of the six members of its gold medal women's gymnastics team were old
      enough to compete in the Beijing Olympics. China says the team members
      will provide that data as soon as they're old enough to read them.
      (Jake Novak)

      China angrily denied Friday that their women gymnasts are under
      sixteen. They look like sixth-graders. The idea of an eighteen-year-
      old girl looking twelve has polygamist ranches in Texas enrolling all
      their newborn girls in gymnastics classes. (Argus Hamilton)

      The International Olympic Committee said Monday they found no evidence
      that the Chinese gymnasts were underaged because Chinese Officials
      handed proper passports and the correct birth certificates.
      Apparently, China had hired good people to make fake ID's, probably
      the same ones McCain hired to say that he's only 72. (Pedro Bartes)

      The IOC decided Saturday that China's women gymnasts are all at least
      sixteen years old and eligible for the Olympics. They look like
      pixies. They're at that awkward age for Asian girls when they are too
      young to vote but too old to marry Woody Allen. (Argus Hamilton)

      How about that Michael Phelps — wasn't that an amazing display? Eight
      Olympic gold medals, eight Olympic gold medals, but to me, that’s not
      the most impressive thing. The most impressive thing is the guy is
      actually swimming home from China. (David Letterman)

      After it was known that Michael Phelps consumes 12,000 calories,
      several companies approached the gold medallist to sponsor their
      products: Kellogg's, McDonalds and Crane, the toilet maker company.
      (Pedro Bartes)

      In the Beijing Olympics, Jamaica's Usain Bolt set a world record in
      the 200 meters after setting one in the 100 meters. You think he's
      fast now? Wait until he has airport security chasing him when they
      find out his first name is Usain. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt was blasted by the IOC Friday for waving
      his arms and dancing after he won the gold. He had his reasons. If you
      don't have a good end-zone dance you're never going to get a job as a
      wide receiver in Dallas or Cincinnati. (Argus Hamilton)

      The IOC has blasted Jamaica's Usain Bolt for his antics after winning
      the 100 and 200 meter sprints at the Olympics for ignoring his
      competitors. Apparently he had no choice. He was waiting for them to
      finish. (Jim Barach)

      Women's beach volleyball proved the most popular sport at the Olympics
      Thursday with the U.S. winning the gold. The girls are tremendous
      athletes. How they can keep their balance with all those dollar bills
      stuck into their bikinis is anybody's guess. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Olympics was the most watched TV show in the history of
      television. So you know what's coming this fall on NBC -- "Beach
      Volleyball: Bouncing with the Stars."

      During the men's 4 X 100-meter relay, the athlete Gay dropped the
      baton and the US team couldn't get a medal. Apparently Gay got
      distracted with the other athletes' batons. (Pedro Bartes)

      Did you all enjoy the Olympic Games? I thought it was great. It was
      very exciting. Though there was one very emotional moment at the
      opening ceremonies, where they had children representing each of the
      56 ethnic groups in China march into the stadium. Then the farmers and
      the sneaker factories said, "Okay, break’s over, back on the bus. Come
      on!" (Jay Leno)

      The big news from China is that the adorable little girl who sang the
      National Anthem for the opening ceremony was lip-syncing. This is
      outrageous. If you can't trust an oppressive, totalitarian
      dictatorship..." (Craig Ferguson)

      Nastia Luikin returned to the United States but refused to sign
      autographs for fans; now I don't want to say she's a diva, but
      insider's say Nastia's personality has a 5.5 degree of difficulty.
      (Alex Kaseberg)


      Barack Obama first revealed his running mate choice by text-messaging
      the name to his supporters. John McCain absolutely refuses to announce
      his running mate by text message. He knows that when you send people
      telegrams they think somebody's died. (Argus Hamilton)

      Barack Obama and John McCain agreed on a debate schedule Thursday.
      They kept one eye on the TV ratings. The presidential candidates will
      debate three times, their running mates will debate once, and Cindy
      McCain will play Michelle Obama in beach volleyball. (Argus Hamilton)

      Political analysts believe that Mitt Romney's chances to become
      McCain's running mate have decreased after the Democrats planned to
      make wealth a campaign issue. McCain might be force to look for an
      Independent or even a Democrat for his VP, because it is almost
      impossible to find somenone that is not rich inside the Republican
      party. (Pedro Bartes)

      The John McCain campaign is trying to turn lemons into lemonade with
      the "I can't remember how many houses I have" story. McCain's
      appearing on the cover of next month's issue of "Forgotten Homes and
      Gardens." (Patrick Gorse)

      According to Fox News, senator John McCain might announce his running
      mate choice earlier than expected. Apparently, he decided not to do it
      on his birthday because he was afraid there was not going to be enough
      time to blow all the candles of the cake and make the announcement on
      the same day. (Pedro Bartes)

      Today is John McCain's birthday. It is like any other day for the
      senator, because he forgot it is his birthday. (Pedro Bartes)

      John McCain says he isn't sure how many homes he owns. He isn't being
      arrogant or elitist. He also says he can't remember what he had for
      breakfast or where he parked the car. (Jim Barach)

      Political analysts believe that Mitt Romney's chances to become
      McCain's running mate have decreased after the Democrats planned to
      make wealth a campaign issue. McCain might be force to look for an
      Independent or even a Democrat for his VP, because it is almost
      impossible to find somenone that is not rich inside the Republican
      party. (Pedro Bartes)

      This spring when John McCain launched his campaign tour of the
      "forgotten places" in America, who knew he was talking about his
      houses? (Janice Hough)

      Joe Biden is preparing for a tough battle on the campaign trail. In an
      attempt to relate to the common man, he's getting his hair plugs dyed
      in the colors of the Confederate Flag. (Jake Novak)

      Today, both John McCain and Michael Jackson will celebrate their
      birthday. So it will be the birthday of an old white guy and John
      McCain. (Conan O'Brien)

      Political experts says that John McCain is going to try to steal
      attention away from the Democrats tonight by leaking the name of his
      running mate. Experts say there’s a pretty good chance McCain will
      leak something else too. (Conan O'Brien)

      It was reported this week that senator McCain has a lot of money left
      to run his presidential campaign. It is not that he is raising more
      than Obama, the difference is that he doesn't spend much. How much
      could it cost to find tapes of Democrats trashing Obama? (Pedro Bartes)

      Presumptive first lady nominee Cindy McCain responded to a reporter's
      question today about how many half-sisters she had by saying that she
      was "unsure" about the exact number but would have "a staff member
      look into it." Ms. McCain's claims of being an only child were
      clouded this week by revelations that she has at least two heretofore
      unmentioned half-sisters, leading to reporters' queries as to whether
      more undisclosed half-siblings were waiting in the wings. (Andy


      President Bush's advisers are recommending he veto a Senate bill that
      would protect reporters from revealing their sources. President Bush
      says reporters should only have the right to protect White House
      sources leaking information that the President has personally
      approved. (Jim Barach)

      Folks, the President needs a break. He's like a Black and Decker
      cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don't recharge his batteries, he
      can't suck. (Steven Colbert)


      "Forbes" released a list of the 100 Most Powerful Women in the World
      and Condoleeza Rice is number 7. She is also number 22 in the 100 Most
      Powerful Men list. (Pedro Bartes)

      Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says Israel Settlements are
      unhelpful to peace talks... because Arab leaders are too distracted
      trying to kill the Jews who live in them to show up for negotiations.
      (Jake Novak)

      Condi Rice flew to Israel and Ireland Tuesday after assessing the
      situation in Iraq. She wanted to reassure Ireland and Israel because
      they're afraid we're going in alphabetical order. They're just lucky
      that cars don't run on blintzes or potatoes. (Argus Hamilton)


      Bill Clinton dined with Boone Pickens in Las Vegas last Monday during
      an energy summit there. These two could make history. Between Boone
      Pickens's windmills and Bill Clinton's wind we could end America's
      dependence on foreign oil once and for all. (Argus Hamilton)


      You got to give it to Republicans, now they are saying that they don't
      use dirty or smear tactics against Obama and that they don't approve
      of any violence against the candidate, not because they care about
      him; they don't want to give Obama the satisfaction of getting the 72
      virgins. (Pedro Bartes)


      Alabama is going to charge overweight state workers an extra fee to
      get health insurance. If nothing else, it will guarantee the state an
      operating surplus for the next fifty years. (Jim Barach)

      A Nebraska law will allow parents to abandon their teenagers if they
      can't handle them. To which Britney Spears asked, "Why would anyone
      wait that long to abandon their kids?" (Jim Barach)


      In New York City, a rare turtle is missing from a private zoo. What
      makes this turtle so unusual? It has two heads. The turtle was last
      seen outside the zoo -- arguing with itself about which direction to
      escape. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

      President Bush says hope is coming back to New Orleans. As in the
      people hope the government hasn't forgotten them, they hope insurance
      will pay for their destroyed homes and they hope that another
      hurricane doesn't hit until the Army Corps of Engineers fixes their
      mistakes. (Jim Barach)


      The founder of Enzyte was convicted of defrauding customers seeking
      male sexual enhancement products. Ironically, he will end up becoming
      the product himself and provide sexual enhancement performance to all
      his cellmates. (Pedro Bartes)


      Federal officials say a self deportation program didn't work so it is
      being shut down. Even when they are kicking Latinos out of the
      country, Americans want Latinos to do their job. (Pedro Bartes)


      Food prices have seen the biggest increase since 1990. If the cost of
      food keeps going up, it means one thing. President Bush will send
      troops into Kansas. (Jim Barach)

      A widely watched index released Tuesday showed home prices dropping by
      the sharpest rate ever in the second quarter. Which is good news for
      McCain and Cindy because they wanted to go house shopping this weekend
      to get houses to match the shoes she bought last week.

      NASA & SPACE

      The Mars Lander relayed soil sample data to the Livermore Laboratory
      Thursday, revealing the past presence of ice and water. Scientists
      have two questions. They want to know if there is life on Mars, and if
      there is, if John Edwards is the father. (Argus Hamilton)


      Mexico's president met with 32 of its governors to create a plan to
      combat rising crime. The plan: they will stop stealing from the
      Mexican people for a while. (Pedro Bartes)


      Prince Charles has spoken out against genetically modified food. Yeah,
      he's against genetically modified food -- but he thinks it's OK for a
      prince to have a genetically guaranteed job. (Toms Lake Humor Company)


      North Korea has stopped disabling its nuclear reactor beacause it's
      angry over Washington's failure to remove it from the list of terror
      sponsors... Oh, and also they executed all the construction workers by
      accident. (Jake Novak)


      A children's hospital in Sydney, Australia has become the first to
      appoint a doctor dedicated to treating overweight children. In America
      we have a title for doctors who treat only overweight kids.
      Pediatrician. (Jim Barach)

      A recent study found that there are more than a million of Americans
      that eat while sleepwalking. Hey, at least they exercise while they
      eat, unlike the rest of the country. (Pedro Bartes)

      The FDA has approved a plan to irradiate lettuce and spinach. They
      just want to make sure no radiation is used on foods that Americans
      actually eat. (Jim Barach)

      Scientists say that a five minute computer test will reveal how
      undecided voters will cast their ballots. Apparently the test asks
      them "How will you vote?" (Jim Barach)

      The "Bigfoot" that was discovered in a block of ice in Georgia turned
      out to be a hairy, rubber bear costume. Other reports claimed it was
      just Robin Williams who got drunk and passed out in a freezer.
      (William Hale)


      Tropical Storm Gustav is headed straight for New Orleans. This time
      people are ready to evacuate the area as soon as possible, not so much
      for fear of the storm, but in case FEMA arrives in time. (Pedro Bartes)

      Tropical Storm Gustav is headed straight for New Orleans and the city
      police department is reportedly not prepared. Of course, the New
      Orleans cops are usually not even ready for partly cloudly. (Jake Novak)


      The MLB now has instant replay. The primary cause for review will be
      determination if a ball is a home run. Or, as the Washington Nationals
      like to say, "once in a blue moon." (Alan Ray)

      Major League umpires began using instant replay on home runs Thursday.
      Testing was inconclusive. The umpires saw a replay of Hillary
      Clinton's convention speech three times and they couldn't tell if her
      endorsement of Barack Obama was fair or foul. (Argus Hamilton)

      NASCAR has placed Kyle Busch and Carl Edwards on probation for an on-
      track incident. What's the technical term for drivers trying to injure
      each other due to road rage? Interstate 95. (Alan Ray)

      With the Chicago Cubs in first place Cubs fans are trying to get used
      to the idea of the Cubs being in the playoffs. Some Cubs fans don't
      get it. When told the Cubs could be playing in October, one Cub fan
      said; "How are the Cubs going to play football?" (Alex Kaseberg)

      Shaquille O'Neal was served with a restraining order from rap singer
      Maryjane Friday claiming he stalked her after she broke up with him.
      Imagine the fear. You don't want to be stalked by a guy who's tall
      enough to look into a second-story window. (Argus Hamilton)

      A Tajikistan boxer was disqualified after biting his opponent.
      However, he was immediately signed to a pro contract by Don King. (Jim

      Charles Barkley is going to have a colonoscopy that will be televised.
      Doctors are hoping to answer the question of what ever happened to
      Dennis Rodman? (Jim Barach)

      Charles Barkley is having a Colonoscopy. I don't want to say he's fat
      but apparently instead of a camera, doctors are putting an entire
      Network inside his ass. (Pedro Bartes)

      A study says the riskiest sport for girls is cheerleading. The biggest
      threat is from the mothers of any girls they beat out to make the
      team. (Jim Barach)


      Michael Phelps will appear on the season debut of "Saturday Night
      Live." Apparently, they are looking for a good swimmer to save a show
      that is drowning. (Pedro Bartes)

      Warner Brothers is working on a new "Superman" movie. The plot is a
      little different, this time Clark Kent doesn't need to get into his
      outfit, he's just superman because he can survive with a reporter's
      salary. (Pedro Bartes)


      The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush
      on the cover with the headline, What Bush Got Right. Newsweek says
      What Bush Got Right is the shortest cover story since Januarys issue
      on famous Korean rabbis. (Conan O'Brien)

      Now I don't want to say NBC is desperate to keep those Olympic
      ratings, but they just changed the name of their sitcom "My Name Is
      Earl" to "My Name is Michael Phelps." (Alex Kaseberg)


      Actress Nicollette Sheridan and singer Michael Bolton have split up.
      They just couldn't find a way to share their mirrors and hair spray
      equally. (Jake Novak)

      Microsoft has tapped Jerry Seinfeld as the new spokesman for Vista .
      Jerry is the right person for that because Vista crashes as often as
      he crashes his cars. (Pedro Bartes)

      Ricky Martin has become the father of twins. Apparently he used a
      surrogate mother with artificial insemination. Clay Aiken and Michael
      Jackson became fathers the same way. Well, that should pretty much end
      those "Ricky Martin is gay" rumors. (Jim Barach)

      The Manhattan apartment where Heath Ledger died is renting for $26,000
      per month... of course it comes with $35,000 worth of prescription
      drugs. (Jake Novak)

      Jessica Simpson is promoting vitamin enhanced Stampede Beer. When
      asked what it was like to own a stake of a beer company, Simpson said
      that steak and beer go great together. (Jim Barach)


      Support is mounting for the colleges that want the legal drinking age
      for students dropped to 18 from the present 21. Backers point out that
      students old enough to be brainwashed by loony left-wing professors
      are old enough to drink. (Scott Witt)

      Harvard is the #1 ranked U.S. college in the annual U.S. News & World
      Report list. The ranking formula looks for the highest SAT scores,
      narrowest selectivity, and the lowest percentage of undergrads who can
      actually get laid. (Jake Novak)

      One quarter of all teachers have voiced concerns about having hidden
      cameras posted around schools. Mostly because it really interferes
      with their dating life. (Jim Barach)


      The Amish population has nearly doubled in the past 16 years. They
      don't use cars or electricity. What else is there for them to do? (Jim

      The Miss Sister Pageant, an online beauty pageant for nuns, was
      announced by an Italian priest Monday. It's due to pressure from the
      Vatican legal department. Priests have to go to extraordinary lengths
      these days to prove that they're straight. (Argus Hamilton)


      The Coquille Indian Tribe in Oregon has voted to recognize gay
      marriage. Or as they call it, Men no longer straight like arrow
      weddings. (Jim Barach)

      The 15th "Roach Derby" at Rutgers University in New Jersey has been
      won by a giant cockroach representing candidate John McCain.
      Cockroaches wanted McCain to win, they know that if he starts a
      nuclear war against Russia, cockroaches are the only ones that will
      survive. (Pedro Bartes)


      The SEC has approved a plan that will allow U.S. companies to use
      international accoutning rules... which means every accountant in
      America will start taking six weeks off every summer. (Jake Novak)

      The Wall Street journal reports more and more employees are creating
      problems, to solve them, in hopes of looking good to the boss. Of
      course, this only works if they can solve the problems created. Just
      ask Dick Cheney. (William Hale)

      Toyota showcased its hydrogen-powered car at the Sandia Science and
      Technology Park in Albuquerque to show its safety. Hydrogen is highly
      flammable. They fired an armor-piercing bullet in the tank and when
      nothing exploded the car was deemed freeway safe for Los Angeles.
      (Comedian Argus Hamilton)

      Mars Candy is raising their prices, following the lead of Hershey.
      They know that no matter how bad the economy gets, Americans will
      always find the money for chocolate. (Jim Barach)

      Citigroup is cutting costs across the board. Expense accounts are
      being eliminated, outside meetings are being canceled, and to cut down
      on broken glass costs, all executives committing suicide are being
      asked to jump out of the same window. (Jake Novak)


      A survey says that one out of every three Americans are not up on
      current events. Unfortunately, the survey was taken at the White
      House. (Jim Barach)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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