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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-24-09

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-25-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they would vote for Sarah
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 25, 2009
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-25-09
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they would vote
      for Sarah Palin for president in 2012. They also said they'd support
      her decision to step down in 2013. (Conan O'Brien)

      Did you guys see Michelle Obama? She just got a new haircut. It's the
      first real cut of the Obama Administration. (Jimmy Fallon)

      In the spirit of downsizing, my wife and I gave up our $700k home for
      a 400k home and the good news is we didn't even have to move. (Will
      Durst)

      Hillary Clinton apologized in India Monday for America's prime role in
      causing global warming. They just ignored her. If Hillary Clinton
      could control emissions, there would not have been a blue dress and
      there would never have been an impeachment. (Argus Hamilton)

      Embarrassing moment at Yankee Stadium the other day; the umpire
      invoked the infield fly rule and the ball sailed out for a grand slam.
      (Janice Hough)

      The tag Republicans kept throwing to hang around Sonia Sotomayor's
      neck was 'reverse racist.' They said, you know, it's reverse racists
      like her that give regular racists like them a bad name. (Bill Maher)

      Did you hear Tiger Woods didn't make the cut today in the British
      Open? He missed it by one stroke. He went on TV and said, "I made some
      mistakes. I screwed up." And I think Julie says until John loses 50
      pounds he's gonna only screw up. (Rich Orwell)

      A toilet on the international space station is clogged. There’s only
      one thing worse than a commode in space that won’t flush. Zero
      gravity. (Alan Ray)

      The Woodstock Music Festival is 40 years old this summer. Those who
      attended have changed quite a bit. They still do drugs. But now
      there's a $15 co-pay. (Alan Ray)

      After attending a Paul McCartney concert at the Mets' new ballpark:
      "It's the most noise Citi Field will hear all season, and certainly
      the most hits." (Len Berman)

      California officials said Friday they could raise a billion and a half
      dollars in revenue if marijuana is legalized and taxed. This could
      start something. If they legalize cocaine they could balance the
      budget from the revenue they'd make from speeding tickets and the
      money they'd save from nobody living past the age of sixty. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford says in a newspaper opinion piece
      that God will make him more humble. Now, if only God could make him
      less horny. (Jerry Perisho)

      After commissioner Bud Selig said he is still reviewing Pete Rose's
      1997 appeal for reinstatement: "If Selig were a film critic, he'd
      still be reviewing 'Citizen Kane.' " (Scott Ostler)

      What could be more childish than what our news media chooses to cover?
      My God, since this Michael Jackson thing happened, I have no idea
      what's going on with Jon and Kate! (Bill Maher)

      Police are still investigating after a commute train rammed into
      another train in San Francisco this weekend. It's an strange story,
      because usually no one complains when someone gets rear-ended in San
      Francisco. (Jake Novak)

      54 years ago Friday Disneyland opened in Anaheim. Filled with strange
      characters and unexpected surprises, it was America’s first theme
      park; if you don’t count Congress. (Jerry Perisho)

      SARAH PALIN

      Stop referring to Sarah Palin as a renegade. A renegade is someone who
      rebels against convention. What is Sarah Palin rebelling against?
      Grammar? Wildlife? Sports analogies? Face it, Sarah, you only rebelled
      against one thing in your life: family planning. (Bill Maher)

      Sunday will be a big day for Sarah Palin. That's the day she plans to
      go on her porch and wave goodbye to Russia. Then she'll run back in
      the House and jiggle the handle. (David Letterman)

      Sarah Palin's last week as Alaska's Governor. She is going back to her
      old job as the friendly real estate agent with her picture on the bus
      stop. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Palins have started packing up the Alaska governor's mansion: a
      bunch of moose heads and tons of Palin 2012 T-shirts. (Pedro Bartes)

      HEALTH CARE LEGISLATION

      Southern Democrats resisted parts of the health care bill Tuesday,
      fearing it will kill private health insurance, socialize medicine,
      deny expensive treatments and bankrupt the Treasury. The Republicans
      have a health care plan of their own. They want to train the starters
      at golf courses to recognize the early signs of skin cancer. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      The Republicans had been running a surprisingly effective campaign
      against the proposal for national healthcare, but the President has
      found a very clever way to get them on board. Behind the scenes, he
      offered a key provision that would provide free breast implants for
      their girlfriends. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The White House urged Congress Saturday to pass a health plan that
      insures all Americans. The need is growing. A health report Friday
      shows that thirty percent of Americans are attached to a machine at
      home which keeps them alive, the refrigerator. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Senate will not vote on health care legislation before leaving for
      its summer recess, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said Thursday. He
      didn't say why. It's almost like Congress is scared to death of
      healthy voters. (Joe Hickman)

      President Obama blasted insurance and drug companies Wednesday while
      pushing his health care reform bill. His isn't the only idea. The
      Republicans have a perfectly sensible health care plan of their own,
      it's called Don't Get Sick in the First Place. (Argus Hamilton)

      We're learning more and more about Obama's healthcare plan, if that
      passes, President Obama will have the governor of South Carolina
      neutered. (David Letterman)

      The White House caused an uproar Wednesday by inviting the
      Congressional Budget Office director to the Oval Office. He'd said the
      president's health care reform plan would increase health care costs.
      He left the White House on a stretcher after setting a new Guinness
      world record holding his breath underwater for fourteen minutes.
      (Argus Hamilton)

      It looks like healthcare reform really is gaining momentum and is
      going to happen. Now of course Republicans say the plan is too
      confusing, too convoluted, but you know, these are the same people who
      say they can make sense out of a Sarah Palin speech. (Bill Maher)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Critics are attacking President Obama for speaking out about the
      arrest of Prof. Henry Gates, even though he did not know all the
      important facts. The White House is shooting back, pointing out that
      if President Obama didn't speak out about all the issues he knows
      little about, he would never be able to make any speeches at all!
      (Jake Novak)

      President Obama's approval fell to fifty-five percent in the Gallup
      Poll. His predecessor's rating was fifty-six percent at this point.
      He's fallen below President Bush's mark at six months in office, and
      he hasn't even invaded the wrong country yet. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama throws out the first pitch at the All-Star Game. And
      people are criticizing him because he had the big baggy jeans on, but
      Obama says Americans have it all wrong if they want a president who
      looks great in tight jeans. I think that was Al Gore's campaign
      slogan, wasn't it? I want to tell you something. In all honesty, if we
      had wanted a president who looked good in pants, we'd have elected
      Hillary. You know what I mean? (David Letterman)

      President Obama is described by his Secret Service agents as a
      constant smoker in a new book released Monday. Our last three
      presidents have included a womanizer, a smoker and a drinker. It just
      shows that it takes three presidents to replace Lyndon Johnson. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Joe Biden told the Ukrainian President Victor Yushshenko that the
      women in Ukraine "are the most beautiful women in the world." Biden's
      wife moved his stuff out of their residence and Joe will be sleeping
      in the basement of the Smithsonian for a while. (Jerry Perisho)

      On Monday, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, announced that the US will
      send an additional 22,000 troops to Iraq to speed up the withdrawal
      effort. It's all part of the Administration's new exit strategy,
      "Reverse Psychology." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Hillary Clinton was reported Friday to be unhappy over the way the
      White House is reining her in. She feels her opinions as Secretary of
      State are being ignored. She's used to being locked out of the Oval
      Office but not for more than an hour at a time. (Argus Hamilton)

      Hillary Clinton is recovering very well from her broken elbow. As part
      of Hillary Clinton's physical therapy, doctors have her repeatedly
      squeeze a ball. She has already destroyed quite a few because Hillary
      loves to bust balls. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Today is the deadline President Obama gave each of his Cabinet
      officials to come up with $100 million worth of cost cuts, or actually
      just pay their income taxes, whichever's easier. (Jake Novak)

      Surgeon General Regina Benjamin's appointment was criticized because
      she is overweight. Critics say she's a poor choice as the nation's
      chief health officer during an obesity epidemic. It's like naming
      Michael Jackson's doctor to be Sleep Czar. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE ECONOMY

      Economists say the recession getting so bad, it's driving down the
      prices of many goods. This is great for folks who still have money. In
      fact, if we could have known prices were going down so much, we could
      have lost the house a year earlier and used that money to buy all
      sorts of stuff. -- Which can come in real handy when you're homeless.
      (Joe Hickman)

      Construction of new U.S. homes rose in June to the highest level in
      seven months. Analysts believe the growth will continue as long as
      politicians keep getting kicked out of their homes for cheating on
      their wives. (Pedro Bartes)

      Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke raised his unemployment forecast
      for the fall to ten percent Thursday. It's especially bad in Los
      Angeles. People with jobs can't enjoy it because people without jobs
      are still driving around tying up traffic. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE CONGRESS

      I know where I'm going to go on my next break. I'm going to the C
      Street House in Washington, D.C. You know what this is? It's kind of a
      frat house for Christian congressman, where they live and pray
      together and counsel each other on how to adhere to the nine
      commandments. (Bill Maher)

      Congress discontinued using incandescent light bulbs in the U.S.
      Capitol Monday in favor of those energy-saving squiggly fluorescent
      bulbs. When these light bulbs get smashed in trash bins, it's like an
      explosion in science class. The bulbs leak so much mercury into the
      ground water that doctors can now take your temperature with a trout.
      (Argus Hamilton)

      THE COURTS

      Judge Sonia Sotomayor told the U.S. Senate her favorite show growing
      up was Perry Mason. He got a different client off for murder every
      week. It was also O.J. Simpson's favorite show growing up, proving
      that no one can predict the influence of a TV show. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE STATES

      The National Governors Conference was held in Biloxi last weekend but
      economic woes kept thirty governors at home. It just is not a good
      time for governors to travel. No matter where you go, voters think
      you're in Argentina seeing your mistress. (Argus Hamilton)

      Good News for California. This just came out. Governor Arnold
      Schwarzenegger has apparently found a way to close the state's $26
      billion budget shortfall. Schwarzenegger says it won't be pretty, but
      times like this call for a sequel to "Jingle All The Way." Seriously,
      though, this is very good news.It's giant. Now I can't get into all
      the details, but in short, Fresno is now part of China. (Conan O'Brien)

      To close the $26 billion budget gap in California, they've decided to
      allow offshore drilling for the first time in 40 years. Beach
      residents in San Diego said, "Fantastic! Hopefully the oil spills will
      kill all these giant flying squid. " (Frank King).

      California's public schools are scrambling to cut $15 billion and
      still maintain education standards. As a compromise, the state is no
      longer requiring the schools to teach verbs. (Jake Novak)

      California officials said Friday they could raise a billion dollars in
      revenue if marijuana is legalized and taxed. It could save the airline
      industry. Flights leaving the state could sell candy bars for a
      hundred dollars and people would pay it. (Argus Hamilton)

      South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford took his wife Jenny on vacation
      Friday to try to make up. She gave him another chance after he
      confessed to adultery. She tried to trade him in under the new cash-
      for-clunkers program but they only take cars. (Argus Hamilton)

      The governor of South Carolina, Governor Sanford has lately been seen
      not wearing his wedding ring. And I was thinking, geez, I hope he
      didn't lose it while he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Then
      he'll never find it. (David Letterman)

      Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared
      without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he
      didn't really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian
      Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine
      woman's vagina. (Jon Stewart)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Oakland, California has become the first U.S. city to place a tax on
      medical marijuana. Luckily for pot users, the tax can be paid in
      Doritos and Twinkies. (Jake Novak)

      A medical marijuana facility burned for an hour after catching fire
      Monday in Los Angeles. Incredibly enough, nary a surfer, skater or b-
      baller in the area complained of second-hand smoke inhalation. (Dwight
      Perry)

      San Francisco was the scene of a commuter train crash Saturday,
      spilling people and rail cars onto the roadbed. It's the fifth
      commuter rail crash in the last year in America. We are now tied with
      Iran for the most number of deaths due to Twittering. (Argus Hamilton)

      The town manager of Fort Myers Beach, Florida, has been fired because
      his wife is a porn star. The Mayor says the manager's wife was making
      his mistresses jealous. (Jake Novak)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      Jimmy Carter left the Southern Baptist Church over its refusal to
      ordain women and its teaching that women must be subservient to their
      husbands. Now he belongs to no church at all. The similarities between
      Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter get scarier every day. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      Yesterday, Obama extended Dick Cheney - you remember Dick Cheney, Vice
      President Dick "Ka-Boom" Cheney, you remember him? He extended his
      Secret Service protection for another six months. Hey, I'll tell you
      who needs protection, Cheney's hunting buddies. (David Letterman)

      Happy birthday to former Senator Larry Craig from Idaho. Sixty-four
      years old. And if you are wondering where the celebration is, well,
      it's in the stall with the yellow balloons. (David Letterman)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      Senate Democrats nixed a measure permitting drivers to carry concealed
      weapons across state lines. Laws like this can make a real difference.
      For instance, abrupt lane changes has replaced heart disease as the
      number-one cause of death in California. (Argus Hamilton)

      Michael Jackson's death was investigated as a possible murder by the
      L.A. police Friday. They are looking at the cardiologist who
      administered the fatal dose of anesthesia. Homicide charges are
      unlikely, but date rape cannot be entirely ruled out. (Argus Hamilton)

      Michael Jackson's doctor's clinic in Houston was raided by the DEA and
      the Los Angeles police Wednesday. It was shrewd of the pop star to
      select a doctor in Texas. Any region that lives and dies on something
      as volatile as oil prices and college football isn't going to notice a
      little anesthesia missing from the hospital pharmacy. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE MILITARY

      The Pentagon assured U.S. soldiers Wednesday that it won't ban smoking
      in war zones. Nicotine withdrawal is the most agonzing experience
      known to man. The only thing that could make it worse is if you are
      holding a machine gun while you're going through it. (Argus Hamilton)

      NASA & SPACE

      NASA admitted Friday that they erased the videotapes of Neil
      Armstrong's first steps on the moon. It happened during the Seventies.
      Richard Nixon ordered all the tapes erased and just his luck, they
      missed the ones he was really concerned about. (Argus Hamilton)

      Jupiter was hit by an asteroid the size of Earth Tuesday, leaving a
      huge crater in the planet's polar surface. The hole spread rapidly. Al
      Gore's head is spinning trying to figure out just how a planet can be
      destroyed without any Republicans on it. (Argus Hamilton)

      FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

      On the Berlin brothel that's offering a discount to customers who
      arrive on bicycles: "In a related story, the Tour de France has been
      postponed indefinitely." (Cam Hutchinson)

      A surfboard maker in France is making a bio-friendly surfboard using a
      resin made out of soy, corn and sugar, because, with an ocean full of
      sharks, what you really want to be on is a great big huge snack. (Alex
      Kaseberg)

      It’s Belgian Independence Day. They’ve given the world so much - the
      Belgian waffle - but it’s great. Belgium is a nice place, though. It’s
      the place people go to when they’re on their way to another place, a
      place they’re going to spend more time at. It’s kind of the Jennifer
      Aniston of countries. In parts of Belgium they still speak Flemish.
      It’s a language based entirely on flem. (Craig Ferguson)

      ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

      Israel is now the number one nation in stem cell research, as it is
      now growing heart cells, skin cells, and even brain cells. But the
      Palestinians are still number one in growing terrorist cells. (Jake
      Novak)

      CHINA & THE FAR EAST

      Earlier this week, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that North
      Koreans were acting like children. Yesterday, a spokesman for North
      Korea said Hillary Clinton was acting like a schoolgirl. Now, folks,
      is it me or is it obvious these two like each other? (Conan O'Brien)

      INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

      Millions in India are excited about the solar eclipse. It’s all
      they’re talking about. Which makes tomorrow the worst possible day to
      need tech support. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Pakistan passed a law Tuesday jailing anyone who tells a joke about
      Pakistan's leader. It's a first. President Obama likes the idea so
      much he's demanding that Democrats attach it to the health care bill
      before they leave on their August recess. (Argus Hamilton)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      The Centers for Disease Control said Friday American obesity varies by
      race. Thirty percent of Hispanics are obese, thirty-six percent of
      blacks are obese, and twenty-four percent of whites are obese. The
      obvious explanation is that beans are cooked in lard, greens are
      cooked in bacon grease, and Scotch contains zero grams of trans fat.
      (Argus Hamilton)


      Interesting reaction to the solar eclipse. Rush Limbaugh says that the
      solar eclipse proves the unreliability of solar power. (David Letterman)

      A Florida dentist is being sued after he dropped tools down a
      patient's throat on two different visits. See, this is why I want a
      government bureaucrat standing in between me and my doctor. Preferably
      one with incredibly quick reflexes. (Frank King)

      A genetic study in Germany may have solved the mystery of why
      Neanderthals died out: they didn't have enough women. A study on
      fossil DNA suggests that the population of Neanderthals never took off
      because at any one time, there were only about 1500 females of child-
      bearing age in all of Europe. So it turns out that courting women by
      bopping them on the head with a club is a bad idea. (The Comedy Wire)

      THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      The shores of San Diego were inundated with bodies of giant squid that
      washed ashore last Friday. Local residents say they hadn't seen this
      many dead arms since, well, the last Padres game. (Dwight Perry)

      SPORTS

      Manny Ramirez says he is happy to be back with the Dodgers after his
      female fertility druge ban and he is even willing to discuss a
      contract extension. As long as he and management can sit down and have
      a long talk about their relationship. (Janice Hough)

      Manny Rameriz came off the bench to hit a game-winning home run for
      the LA Dodgers despite an injured hand. It was thought Manny re-
      injured the hand after, but it turns out Manny was just waving his
      hand to help the fingernail polish air dry faster. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Suspended NFL star Michael Vick ended his 23-month sentence Monday and
      was released from federal custody. He’s going to try to get back into
      the NFL, but he’s in for a real dog fight. (Jerry Perisho)

      Tom Watson thrilled the golf world Saturday by seizing the third round
      lead in the British Open at Turnberry. The joy was short-lived. After
      Tiger Woods missed the cut, Judge Sonia Sotomayor ruled that the cut
      was flawed and should be tossed out. (Argus Hamilton)

      French tennis star Richard Gasquet convinced a tribunal he accidently
      ingested cocaine when he kissed a girl in a Miami nightclub. He said
      she had cocaine in her mouth when he kissed her. Only a Frenchman
      could open that Ziploc bag with his tongue. (Argus Hamilton)

      For you sadomasochists out there — or just plain lovers of 0-16
      football — DetroitLions.com featured this recent promotional
      announcement: "Relive the 2008 season / Watch every 2008 game streamed
      on-demand in HD." (Dwight Perry)

      Noting that the introduction of polyurethane swim suits last year has
      resulted in a marked improvement in swim times that toppled many world
      records, swimming governing body Fina has called for a return to
      common textile suits, beginning in 2010. Banned will be polyurethane,
      nylon, rayon and any fabric that Mark Phelps can smoke. (Bob Mills)

      When asked if he's the George Foreman of golf: "No, I don't name all
      my kids 'George.' My kids have different names." (Tom Watson)

      An 81-year-old man drove in a Nascar event this weekend. His left turn
      blinker was on the whole way. (Jim Rose)

      A recent study reveals that eating hot dogs can cause Alzheimer's.
      That's why that's the only thing I eat when I go to see the Washington
      Nationals, so I can forget how horrible they are. (Pedro Bartes)

      A 17-year-old boy from California became the youngest person to sail
      around the world alone on Thursday – clocking 28,000 miles over 13
      months. His parents said the boy’s bedroom door was closed the whole
      time and they didn’t even know he had been gone. (Jerry Perisho)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Ringling Brothers circus is accused of abusing elephants. The clowns
      have it pretty rough too. Eight of them have to drive from town to
      town in the same Mini Cooper. (Alan Ray)

      THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

      During a discussion with Rachel Maddow, Pat Buchanan said that white
      people built this country. So my grandpa was right, those slaves were
      slackers. (Pedro Bartes)

      CELEBRITIES

      Walter Cronkite was eulogized as America's greatest news anchor on
      Friday when he died at age ninety-two. His was the twelfth celebrity
      death in three weeks. The only explanation is that the world is
      experiencing an outbreak of swine fame disease. (Argus Hamilton)

      ESPN star Erin Andrews was videotaped nude in her hotel room by
      voyeurs Monday who posted it online and got millions of hits. It was a
      lesson learned. She'll never get out of a shower again unless she's
      wearing a golf cap with a sponsor's logo on it. (Argus Hamilton)

      Some pervert taped and released a video of ESPN's Erin Andrews
      undressing in her hotel room. I do suppose we can all be glad he
      didn't do the same thing to John Madden. (Janice Hough)

      Guess who is trying to convert to Judaism to impress her boyfriend?
      Britney Spears. It makes sense, she converted to Moronism to impress
      Kevin Federline. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Things are getting worse for Bernie — a New York call girl has come
      forward to say they had sex. And I said, “Wait a minute — you mean
      somebody actually made money from Bernie Madoff?” (David Letterman)

      A new book reveals that George Bush's twin daughters Jenna and Barbara
      were a nightmare for Secret Service to keep tabs on. The girls
      responded, "That's not true. We had tabs at every bar we went
      to." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Jon and Kate are back in the news with "who left who. " Or is it who
      left whom? Whatever. The proper English is, "Who cares!" (Bill Williams)

      Sadly, Bridget, the Taco Bell Chihuahua, died at 15; Bridget was a
      female posing as a male for TV. Kind of like Ryan Seacrest. (Alex
      Kaseberg)

      He is Kim Jong-Il's favorite comedian and the hottest host on late-
      night North Korean TV: Jimi Kim-il. (Paul Feehan)

      Billy Cannon, the 1959 Heisman Trophy winner, is now the dental
      director at the Louisiana State Penitentiary. Bet the inmates just
      can't wait for those two-a-day drills. (Dwight Perry)

      John Barry, who turned the popular lubricant WD-40 into a worldwide
      sales success passed away in La Jolla, California at age 85. He was
      laid to rest after a short memorial service during which he only
      slipped out of the casket three times. (Bob Mills)

      William Jablonski of Las Vegas is going to federal court to establish
      the Constitutional right to impersonate Elvis. He does Elvis on the
      street along the Vegas Strip, and he accuses police of repeatedly
      harassing him for disorderly conduct, obstructing the sidewalk and
      being a public nuisance. So he's suing the city, the county, the
      police, the D. A. and the Nevada Attorney General. (The Comedy Wire)

      EDUCATION

      President Barack Obama on Tuesday unveiled a $12 billion plan to help
      community colleges prepare millions of people for a new generation of
      jobs. I like Obama's idea — pizzas don't deliver themselves. (Alex
      Schubert)

      RELIGION

      Episcopal bishops voted to allow the blessing of same-sex unions just
      a day after they okayed gay bishops. It didn't end there. Clergy must
      now enter the sanctuary dressed as either a fireman, a cop, an Indian
      chief or a construction worker. (Argus Hamilton)

      Pope Benedict XVI slipped at his vacation home and fractured his
      wrist. Of course, someone from his staff immediately picked up the
      phone and dialed IX-I-I. (Bill Mihalic)

      HISTORY

      This week marks the 40th anniversary of the moon landing. Planetary
      exploration has come to a halt. Now if Astronauts want to go to a
      place with no atmosphere, they drop by a Denny’s. (Alan Ray)

      Yesterday, to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing,
      the three astronauts from Apollo 11 visited the White House. Neil
      Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were allowed to set foot inside the White
      House, while Michael Collins was forced to drive around in circles
      outside. (Conan O'Brien)

      McDonald's marked the thirtieth annniversary of the Happy Meal Friday
      when the chain began giving out toys with every kid's meal. So that's
      it. We might not need universal health care today if broccoli came
      with a free toy and french fries didn't. (Argus Hamilton)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      Over 125,000 people are expected to attend Comic-Con which begins
      Friday in San Diego. It's the time of the year when you can climb out
      of bed in your Superman jammies and go straight to the convention. --
      The First Comic-Con was held in 1970 and 300 people attended. This
      year it's 125,000 and still no one has ever brought a date. (Jerry
      Perisho)

      Besides the Padres, speaking of guys who strike out in San Diego,
      Comic-Con, the comic book convention, starts Thursday; it’s the only
      week where the convention hookers are only paid to play Dungeons and
      Dragons. (Alex Kaseberg)

      54 years ago last Friday Disneyland opened in Anaheim. Back then,
      Disneyland provided more laughs-per-square-foot than anywhere in
      America. Today, that distinction belongs to the Clippers. (Jerry
      Perisho)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      There’s a new iPhone app for “Harry Potter” fans that trains them in
      the art of casting spells and prepares them for duels with other
      wizards. Experts say it’s perfect for the “loser on the go.” (Conan
      O'Brien)

      The first-ever pets-only airline began service last week. The first
      flight was behind schedule; they just couldn't fly very fast with all
      those dogs sticking their heads out the window. (Bill Mihalic)

      General Mills will do its part for aspiring Canadian Olympic athletes,
      donating proceeds from sales of specially marked boxes of Cheerios
      this summer. Or as it's known in cereal circles, O-ing for the gold.
      (Dwight Perry)

      Twelve people were injured when two buses at Disney World collided. I
      guess it was a small lane, after all. (Todd Long)

      A GM dealership in Missouri is giving away AK-47s to customers who buy
      a pickup truck in August. I guess they figure for that kind of money,
      you should at least get one reliable product. Right? Is that what
      they're saying? (Jimmy Fallon)

      Starbucks reports increased second quarter profits. Market analysts
      credit unforeseen factors. The line to the counter finally moved.
      (Alan Ray)

      AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

      Columbia University published an environmental health study Monday
      saying that polluted air leads to lower IQs for children. Smog makes
      kids less smart. So if you don't want to be corrected by your six-year-
      old on facts and opinions you've held all your life, move your family
      to Los Angeles and sign your kids up for track and field. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      OTHER NEWS

      The Merriam-Webster dictionary has added the definition of "earmark",
      providing no specific examples. Although they do briefly reference
      Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield. (Jerry Perisho)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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