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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-04-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK In the past few days Michael Jackson died, Farah Fawcett died and now Karl Malden
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 5, 2009
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-04-09


      In the past few days Michael Jackson died, Farah Fawcett died and now
      Karl Malden has died. You know, I think this is God's version of "I'm
      a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!" (Bill Mihalic)

      South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitted he is having an affair
      with an Argentinean woman. It didn’t make the headlines in Argentina;
      they are used to Americans screwing them. (Pedro Bartes)

      So Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa had an affair with an
      anchorwoman, John Edwards had an affair with a documentary filmmaker,
      and now apparently Governor Mark Sanford’s “Maria” is a television
      reporter. Sort of puts a whole new spin on media relations, doesn’t
      it? (Janice Hough)

      The great thing about the July 4th weekend is that nothing bad can
      happen -- Congress is on vacation. (Joe Hickman)

      Needless to say, this not great news for the Republican Party. So many
      prominent Republicans have been caught in these types of situations
      lately: Mark Sanford; Larry Craig; David Vitter; John Ensign from
      Nevada. And you want to know why this is happening? The gays. That's
      right. They've destroyed the institution of marriage and now this is
      what we get. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Republicans have been bashing Obama for his handling of the Iranian
      election. Once again, they've proven that Republicans know best about
      foreign affairs. (Sara Joshel)

      A South Dakota man was arrested after trying to rob a hotel with a
      butter knife. When you are using a weapon like a butter knife to
      commit a crime, there is just no margarine for error. (Jerry Perisho)

      The U.S.G.A. is making a highlight video of this year's U.S. Open. It
      will be titled "Swinging in the Rain." (Janice Hough)

      Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen and her husband, New England
      Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, are expecting their first child early
      next year. Brady immediately complained about the breakdown in his
      protection. (Jerry Perisho)

      A 47-year-old Milwaukee-area man was arrested for DUI — while trying
      to make the 40-mile trek home on a golf cart. That's what happens when
      you have a driver in the bag. (Ian Hamilton)

      Say what you want about Rod Blagojevich, but at least he kept his
      pants on. (Alex Kaseberg)

      When Cubs catcher Mario Soto hit a three-run homer after news broke
      that he had tested positive for marijuana at the World Baseball
      Classic, he smoked it. (Steve Stone)

      Bernie Kosar listed a $1.5 million debt to the Browns in his
      bankrupcty declarations. Imagine how much he might owe if he had to
      pay the Bills. (Chris Cluff)

      A new report indicates that Mississippi is still the leader in having
      the most obese people per capita. In Mississippi, they think cellulite
      is that bare bulb on the ceiling of the little barred rooms of the
      jailhouse. (Jerry Perisho)


      Fans of Michael Jackson eagerly await the announcement of plans for a
      memorial service. The Jackson family had wanted the services to
      include a high mass at Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral, but out of
      habit, Roger Mahoney transferred Michael's body to another diocese.
      (Bob Mills)

      Staples Center will be the site of Michael Jackson’s public memorial
      ceremony. The arena has a great deal of experience hosting thousands
      of crying people, although usually they are Clippers fans. (Janice

      Plans to bury singer Michael Jackson at his sprawling Neverland Ranch
      have fizzled. They may as well go ahead. At the Neverland Ranch there
      are already skeletons buried everywhere. (Jerry Perisho)

      Michael Jackson, the "King of Pop" died last week. The singer had to
      reinvent himself many times to stay on top of the music world. In
      fact, he started out as a young black boy and ended up as a middle
      aged white woman. (Jim Barach)

      The will drawn up by singer Michael Jackson appoints his mother as
      guardian of his three children. If something happens to her, Diana
      Ross is next in line. Diana Ross seems like a logical pick. The song
      Michael played every day at the Neverland Ranch was "Touch Me in the
      Morning". (Jerry Perisho)

      The latest rumor is that Michael Jackson is not the biological father
      of any of his children and that Debbie Rowe is not the biological
      mother of the first two, having been just a well-paid surrogate.
      What's worse, the rumor was started by the kids. (Paul Seaburn)

      Michael Jackson's dermatologist Dr. Arnold Klein of Beverly Hills was
      outed as the sperm donor father of Michael's two oldest kids Tuesday.
      What a story. Where else but in America can a black superstar marry
      Elvis's daughter and have Jewish children? (Argus Hamilton)

      Michael Jackson's kids were the subject of court papers filed Monday.
      This is sure to set a legal precedent for guardianship of offspring
      from donor eggs and sperm. It's going to be a long drawn-out legal
      process before Pyrex gets custody of the children. (Argus Hamilton)

      The court battle for Michael Jackson's children and money is gonna be
      "Rowe v. Parade." (Neil Berliner)

      An attorney for Deborah Rowe says his client has not reached a final
      decision on whether to seek legal custody of the two children Michael
      Jackson hired her to sire. Yesterday, an attorney for Cher turned down
      her bequest of Michael's hyperbaric chamber. (Bob Mills)

      Michael Jackson's father Joe Jackson went on the BET Awards and
      announced he's searching for the next Michael. People in Hollywood
      were aghast. The first rule of show business is you have to wait three
      days before you cash in on a dead relative. (Argus Hamilton)


      Gov. Mark Sanford went to Argentina to have an affair. One would have
      to assume he simply ran out of cousins in South Carolina. (Jerry

      Yes, the Governor of South Carolina has admitted to having an affair
      with a woman in Argentina. Another American job exported overseas.
      (Tim Hunter)

      After going AWOL for 7 days, South Carolina Gov. Sanford admitted he'd
      flown to Argentina to visit his mistress. It seems only right to label
      this guy a "Pampas ass". (Jerry Perisho)

      It's a disaster for everybody down there in South Carolina. Although I
      have to say, yesterday, it was nice to see somebody else apologize on
      TV. (David Letterman)

      Gov. Sanford is a little like President Obama. He has Friday night
      date night; it’s just not with his wife. (David Letterman)

      Sanford's advisors told him if he wanted to be President that he
      needed more experience in foreign affairs. (Zev Karlin-Neumann)

      South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford in a news conference said that
      his mistress was his "soul mate" but he was going to try to fall in
      love again with his wife. Well, now sweet talk like that is a great
      start to repairing a damaged relationship. (Jim Barach)

      Governor Mark Sanford said Monday he crossed the line with other women
      besides his wife but he never crossed the sex line with them. How
      amazing. It only took ten years for Oral Sex is not Adultery to become
      the bipartisan consensus in politics. (Argus Hamilton)

      Today the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, who's the head of
      the Republican Governors Association, held a press conference to
      reveal he had an affair with a woman from Argentina. People were
      shocked because Republicans traditionally don't do well with Hispanic
      women. (Conan O'Brien)

      Some South Carolina Republicans are privately advising Governor
      Sanford to take a hike—–preferably across state lines. (Sara Joshel)

      There's another new development in that Mark Sanford story. His wife,
      Jenny, kicked him out of their home when she heard about the affair.
      In response, Hillary Clinton said, "Wait, you can do that?"(Jimmy

      South Carolina governor Mark Sanford admits to rendezvous with a
      handful of women. Colleagues from both political parties are appalled.
      He has violated the sanctity of adultery. (Alan Ray)

      South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford now admits he "crossed lines"
      with other women besides his Argentine mistress. No wonder Sanford
      tried to reject the federal stimulus money, he didn't want all his
      girlfriends pestering him for the government credit card. (Jake Novak)

      If it comes down to Senator Ensign vs. Governor Sanford for the
      Republican 2012 presidential nomination, I'm going with Sanford. More
      foreign experience. (Todd Long)

      Governor Mark Sanford said that he will reimburse the state of South
      Carolina for a trip last June to Argentina where he met with his
      mistress. He'll pay the state $912 in loose Argentinian change and
      used condoms. (Jerry Perisho)

      Lashing out at critics who have called for his resignation, an
      unrepentant Gov. Mark Sanford released a statement today indicating
      that he might be "too sexy" for his critics to handle. I'm too sexy
      for my state, too sexy for my state, so sexy I can't wait," the
      statement read in full. (Andy Borowitz)

      Governor Mark Sanford's adultery confession Wednesday may have hurt
      his chances to run for president. Or did it? He dropped out of sight
      and didn't say a word for four days, and Americans are finding that
      more and more attractive in a candidate. (Argus Hamilton)

      If laughter is the best medicine, then I do suppose we have to credit
      Mark Sanford for doing his part for government assisted health care.
      (Janice Hough)


      Al Franken's victory in the Minnesota Senate race means Democrats have
      60 voting members. But still none that are funny. (Todd Long)

      The Minnesota Supreme Court ruled Al Franken should be certified the
      winner of the state's Senate race. Apparently, they were getting too
      much pressure from people in Iran. (Pedro Bartes)

      Now that Al Franken has won his Senate race, Norm Coleman has now lost
      elections in Minnesota to a pro wrestler and a comedian; Coleman,
      however, is said to be confident in his run for the state legislature
      against an accordian-playing ventriloquist. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Franken's opponent Norm Coleman told Franken that senator is the best
      job that he, Franken, will ever have. Right. Once you've schmoozed
      with Harry Reid on C-SPAN, you'll never want to go back to hangin'
      with Steve Martin on SNL. (Mark Russell)

      A new Gallup poll finds that 46 percent of Americans now see the
      Democratic Party as "too liberal"...And just in the 24 hours since Al
      Franken was declared a Senator, they see the party as "less
      funny." (The Comedy Wire)


      So what made Sarah Palin decide to step down? Not like the job has
      been taking up that much of her time lately. Seems like she has racked
      up more frequent flier miles than any Governor not named Sanford.
      (Janice Hough)

      Sarah Palin is actually stepping down with over a year and a half left
      on her term. Hard to say who was more disappointed? Her remaining
      fans, or folks in California and South Carolina that it wasn’t THEIR
      governor. (Janice Hough)

      Sarah Palin noted as one of the reasons she quit that as a lame-duck
      Governor, since she was not running again in 2010, that she really
      couldn't do anything good for the state. Residents of South Carolina
      are responding "Yeah, what she said." (Janice Hough)

      Governor Palin was inaugurated in December 2006. She served an entire
      year and a half before she was chosen as John McCain's running mate.
      And has been back in the state, off and on, since the election was
      over. So that's two and a half years – with time off for campaigning,
      speaking, and fundraising – out of a four year term. And the media
      dares to call her a quitter? (Janice Hough)

      Sarah Palin says she could beat President Obama in a foot race. Or a
      car race, or a bicycle race. Pretty much anything but a political
      race. (Jim Barach)


      Manny Ramirez will face many questions from the media when he returns
      from his female fertility drug suspension on Friday. Which is O. K.,
      since Manny has a question for them too: "Does this uniform make me
      look fat?" (Janice Hough)

      Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez returns to the game Friday
      after his suspension for testing positive for female fertility drugs.
      He's on schedule. After fifty days he has developed an uncontrollable
      craving for Dodger Dogs with pickles and ice cream. (Argus Hamilton)

      With all these adoring fans cheering Manny Ramirez's return, will this
      baseball season in Los Angeles be subtitled "How I learned to stop
      worrying and love the asterisk?" (Janice Hough)


      The White House revealed Monday that President Obama will vacation on
      Martha's Vineyard. His arrival on the island should cause quite a stir
      among the old New England families there. Until now their idea of a
      person of color was George Hamilton. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama is scheduling a live online townhall meeting today to
      push for health care reform. The message will be simple: if everyone
      in America had free health care, there never would have been enough
      pain drugs left for Michael Jackson to kill himself. (Jake Novak)

      President Obama was ripped by animal rights activists for killing a
      fly during a TV interview. It was grim. He slapped it barehanded and
      it fell dead to the Oval Office carpet, where it lies next to the
      president of GM and three Inspector Generals. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama snapped at reporters Tuesday when they asked if he has
      quit smoking. His office aides carry Nicorette gum at all times in
      case he gets a craving. Think of all the political careers that could
      be saved if somebody would invent Infidelity Gum. (Argus Hamilton)


      The White House will probably blame its infestation of flies on George
      Bush, saying it inherited them from the previous administration. Bush
      will deny it and say that anyway Obama should welcome the flies if he
      really wants an open administration. (Scott Witt)


      The Congressional Black Caucus was put under an ethics investigation
      Wednesday over their Caribbean conference. It was paid for by a
      lobbyist. Soon Congressmen will have to wear uniforms like racecar
      drivers so we can identify their corporate sponsors. (Argus Hamilton)


      A statewide program in North Carolina is paying teenage girls $1 per
      day not to get pregnant, setting the bar pretty low for any teenage
      boy who wants to match or beat that offer. (Jake Novak)


      A prostitute in Oklahoma traded sex for a box of Frito-Lay chips. It
      was a cheap lay. (Pedro Bartes)

      In New York, the transit authority announced that it's selling the
      naming rights to subway stations. Roto-Rooter is claiming every
      station on the Flushing line. (Jerry Perisho)

      The other day in Portland, Oregon, a man held traffic hostage while
      standing on a bridge as he threatened to kill himself with a bow and
      arrow. I was going to say something clever and funny, but how can I
      top that? (Pat Costa)

      An Alabama woman was injured after lying on a set of train tracks "to
      clear her mind". The last thing to go through her mind that day, the
      locomotive. (Jerry Perisho)


      Dick Cheney is writing a memoir. The book will be called "To Kill a
      Mockingbird While Aiming at Your Lawyer." It's being published by
      Satan & Schuster. Schuster is not really involved. (Craig Ferguson)

      Dick Cheney’s new book is expected to be published in Spring 2011, a
      few months after President George W. Bush's book comes out.
      Apparently, Cheney’s book will explain everything Bush wrote in his.
      (Pedro Bartes)


      Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison. On the bright side
      for Bernie, by the time he gets out, Brett Favre may have finally
      decided about retirement. (Janice Hough)

      In what some are calling a match made in TMZ heaven, convicted
      fraudster Bernard Madoff has been transferred to the federal
      correctional facility in Lovelock, Nevada where he will share a prison
      cell with former football great O. J. Simpson. According to Mr.
      Simpson, the pairing of the two men made perfect sense: "I guess they
      wanted the two innocent guys in this place to be together." (Andy

      After Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years, a spokesman for the
      Ponzi family asked the judge, "Can we now call it a 'Madoff
      scheme'?" (Robt Stupple)


      The Pentagon says it will buy more than 5,200 new armored vehicles
      designed to protect troops from roadside bombs. Now all the Pentagon
      has to do is find an American auto company that's not out of
      business. (Jake Novak)


      In the battle for South American bragging rights, Brazil says they
      took down the U.S. soccer team, Argentina says, big deal, we took down
      a U.S. Governor. (Janice Hough)

      Honduran generals staged a military coup and overthrew the country's
      socialist president, who was trying to cancel elections and rule by
      decree. There's a dispute in the State Department over whether to call
      it a coup. The generals told the guy to take a hike, so now everyone
      thinks he's seeing Mark Sanford's girlfriend in Argentina. (Argus


      The British Government says taxpayers may have to bail out the Queen
      financially this year. Apparently the cost of doing nothing has gone
      up again. (Jim Barach)


      Italy's premier Silvio Berlusconi insisted the girls at his villa on
      the weekend are starlets, not hookers. It's called preparation. To
      rehearse for next month's meeting of industrial leaders in Italy,
      Silvio is entertaining a Group of Eight every weekend. (Argus Hamilton)

      IRAQ & IRAN

      Hey, you know what is going on over in Iran with the election? Have
      you been following that? Oh, it's crazy. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has
      declared himself a winner. Had a victory party. And he came out at the
      victory party and he thanked the 148 percent of the people who voted
      for him. (David Letterman)

      The election oversight body in Iraq says it has recounted 10% of the
      ballots from their recent election and the original vote was valid.
      Now that the recount is complete, they can ship the voting machines
      back to Florida. (Jerry Perisho)


      The federal government has spent nearly half a million dollars to fund
      a study to find out why some men would prefer not to wear condoms
      during sex. They could have saved all that money and just asked Elliot
      Spitzer. (Pedro Bartes)

      A study says that Americans are struggling to pay for health care.
      Apparently the study also found that GM is having a bad year and the
      housing industry is in trouble. (Jim Barach)

      A couple of guys from the UK have invented a clock which literally
      runs on dead bugs. Obama already installed one in the White House and
      feeds it flies all the time (Pedro Bartes)


      Environmentalists claim being naked a couple hours a day will help
      fight global warming. Guys are going to run with this: "Hey, baby,
      whaddya say we go back to my place and save the planet?" (Alex Kaseberg)

      Do you know that environmentalists say living naked a few hours a day
      can help the Earth? Somebody please keep this information away from Al
      Gore. (Craig Ferguson)

      To promote the use of clean energy, a Swiss adventurer is planning to
      fly around the world in a solar-powered airplane. He's just praying
      that nothing bad happens, like night. (Jimmy Fallon)


      On July 14th, everybody, President Obama will throw out the first
      pitch at the All-Star game in St. Louis. That's pretty cool. Yeah. But
      Joe Biden will be on hand to commit the first error. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Tiger Woods was reportedly going to play golf with House Minority
      Leader John Boehner. Apparently the Republicans are trying to sway
      Woods over to their side. They first were attracted to him when they
      saw how many times his drives went far right. (Jim Barach)

      The New York Times just reported that Sammy Sosa tested positive for
      steroids in 2003. In an unrelated story, they're also reporting that
      President Bush may run for a second term. (Tim Hunter)

      The Oakland Athletics hosted a 20-year celebration of their 1989 World
      Series title team on Tuesday, but Bash Brother Mark McGwire declined
      to attend. Apparently he's still out there, at O.J.'s behest, trying
      to track down the real steroid users. (Dwight Perry)

      Blake Griffin said he dreamed about playing professional basketball
      his entire life, but he's also fine with playing for the Los Angeles
      Clippers. (Conan O'Brien)

      Auto industry cutbacks are putting a crimp in NASCAR. Mark Martin won
      last week's race in Michigan driving a Hertz rental car. (Greg Cote)

      BetUS.com's college-football odds are out, and USC, Ohio State and
      Florida sit 1-2-3. No, not to see who reaches the BCS title game —
      rather, who commits the next NCAA violation. (Dwight Perry)

      The Cavaliers acquired Shaquille O'Neal to team with LeBron James.
      Isn't that like hitching a trailer to a Ferrari? (Torben Rolfsen)

      L.A. Kings center Jarret Stoll broke off his engagement to model
      Rachel Hunter just weeks before their scheduled August wedding — via e-
      mail. Hey, who better than a hockey player to get cold feet? (Dwight

      41-year-old skateboarder Tony Hawk visited the White House last
      Friday. He gave the most dangerous yet impressive display on wheels
      since that day President Bush had his training wheels taken off. (Tim

      The NHL Capitals took a Swedish center with their first-round draft
      pick for the third time in four years. There's only one conclusion we
      can draw from this. Ted really likes to shop at Ikea. (Ted Leonsis)

      Donald Fehr announced his retirement as head of the baseball players
      association. He recommended his successor meet with all of the major
      stake holders, which includes the players, the owners and Madonna.
      (Jerry Perisho)

      Everyone is from Russia. Sometimes I think I'm from Russia, too. I
      feel like, you know, OK, all these new 'ovas. I think my name must be
      Williamsova. (Serena Williams)

      The Ottawa Senators' Dany Heatley demanded to be traded — and then
      invoked his no-trade clause. Is this not like subscribing to eHarmony
      then refusing to date? (Bruce Dowbiggin)

      The Texans became the latest NFL team to partner with a state lottery,
      attaching their logo to an instant-win game. Because it is the Texans,
      the game will have a maximum of eight wins per year. (David Thomas)

      Candace Parker has returned to practice with her W.N.B.A. team six
      weeks after the birth of her daughter. It's a good thing male athletes
      don't take six weeks off after the birth of babies — it would shut
      down the N.B.A. (Janice Hough)


      The Academy Awards will expand the number of films nominated for "Best
      Picture" from 5 to 10. This puts big pressure on Hollywood to actually
      make 10 good movies this year. (Jake Novak)

      Public Enemies opened Friday starring Johnny Depp as John Dillinger.
      Bank robberies were more exciting in that depression than in this one.
      Who'd pay to see a movie about people who lie about the value of their
      house, stop paying the mortgage and walk away? (Argus Hamilton)

      "Rolling Stone" magazine features the Jonas Brothers on the cover;
      along with Madonna's induction to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, this
      officially places the last nail in the coffin of rock and roll. (Alex

      On the cover of the latest edition of Rolling Stone magazine -- the
      Jonas Brothers. This is kind of like seeing Beetle Bailey on the cover
      of Soldier of Fortune magazine. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

      "Transformers 2" has already made more than $145 million worldwide,
      putting it on track to have the biggest box office opening of all
      time. Incredible, somebody finally found a way to make money using
      American cars. (Jimmy Fallon)

      "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" took in more than $200 million
      in just its first five days. There's only been one other time those
      numbers have been reported in that short time period; Bernie Madoff
      did it one weekend when he gave away a free toaster to each new
      investor. (Jerry Perisho)


      PBS's board of directors has voted to phase out religious programming.
      But they still plan to pass the collection plate every couple of
      months. (Todd Long)


      Tom Brady’s supermodel wife Gisele Bundchen is expecting a baby.
      Either that or she ate a grape. (Cam Hutchinson)

      Steve Jobs had a liver transplant. Unfortunately for him, it only
      works in areas where AT&T is available. (Pedro Bartes)

      Apple CEO Steve Jobs is back at work after recovering from a liver
      transplant earlier in the year. His old liver had gone bad, but
      luckily Apple has an app for that. This organ transplant business is
      frustrating. No sooner do you get yourself a new liver than a slicker,
      faster one comes along. (Jerry Perisho)

      I can't believe TV pitchman Billy Mays is dead at age 50. I keep
      waiting, hoping there will be more. (Tim Hunter)

      Elizabeth Hasselbeck says a lawsuit accusing her of plagiarism is
      "without merit." She then added, "When I wrote my book four score and
      seven years ago, it was the best of times and the worst of
      times." (Todd Long)

      Elizabeth Hasselbeck says a lawsuit accusing her of plagiarism is
      "without merit." She went on to add these are the times that try men's
      souls, but she has nothing to fear but fear itself." (Alex Kaseberg)

      Do you remember Ross Perot? Ran for president a couple times; 79 years
      old today and still vital, vibrant, and going strong. As a matter of
      fact, he received 9 percent of the vote in Iran. (David Letterman)

      Gloria Estefan has purchased a stake in the Miami Dolphins. No word
      yet if the Dolphins running attack will now be nicknamed the "Miami
      Ground Machine." (Janice Hough)

      John Houghtaling, the creator of the Magic Fingers vibrating bed, is
      dead at 92. His viewing took longer than expected. Every three
      minutes, they'd have to stop the line and put in a quarter.(Alan Ray)

      Here is what confuses me about Chaz, nee Chastity Bono. She used to be
      an outspoken and often angry and militant spokes person for lesbians
      and feminists. Now she is going to become a man? Isn't that like a
      Captain of the Navy Seals joining the Taliban? (Alex Kaseberg)

      A spokesman for TLC announced that Jon and Kate Gosselinwill no longer
      have any contact with members of the media. "They ask that you respect
      their privacy," he told reporters and paparazzi, "so that they may
      devote their full time and energy to their respective extramarital
      affairs." (Bob Mills)


      Officials for the Chicago Public School system announce that starting
      this fall, they'll begin testing students for STD’s. Apparently,
      teachers were tired of getting the crabs. (Pedro Bartes)


      The National Archives released tapes of Richard Nixon's Oval Office
      tapes last week. In one tape he urged GOP Chairman George H.W. Bush to
      recruit beautiful GOP women to be the face of the party. President
      Nixon will go down in history as the Father of Fox News. (Argus


      The social networking site MySpace is closing several offices and
      cutting more than half its work force. Terminated employees can get
      more details by going to a new web site, GetOutOfMySpace. (Bill Mihalic)


      According to an Associated Press, the U.S. exported $96 million in
      goods to Iran from January through April. Among those goods we
      exported: soybeans, wheat, and Florida electorate officials. (Pedro

      General Motors reported great sales news Monday that GM's new Camaro
      is in huge demand. Buyers are paying three thousand dollars over
      sticker for the fast, high-powered sports car. Now that V-8 engines
      are against the law, everybody wants one. (Argus Hamilton)

      McDonalds will launch a 1/3 pound Angus burger. With this new entrée,
      the fast food chain goes head to head with its chief rival. Unclogged
      arteries.(Alan Ray)

      American Airlines suffered a bird strike on a passenger liner while
      landing in New York Tuesday. There's a lot of angry terrorists out
      there. It's becoming more apparent by the day that Osama bin Laden has
      outsourced their jobs to Canadian geese. (Argus Hamilton)

      Critics are outraged as bankers at Citigroup are getting up to 50%
      raises this year. But if they manage their own money like they do the
      bank's, they'll lose that extra money within six weeks. (Jake Novak)

      Dow Chemical announced layoffs Tuesday of thousands of workers and
      chemists in three chemical plants. It was inevitable. Now that Michael
      Jackson is gone the demand for hair relaxers, skin bleach and
      prescription drugs has fallen off the cliff. (Argus Hamilton)


      Saturday is the Fourth of July. The government in Washington plans to
      celebrate America’s independence. To afford fireworks, they’ll borrow
      the money from China. (Alan Ray)

      The long Fourth of July weekend serves a great purpose. It gets noise,
      mayhem, and violence off MTV and back on the streets where it
      belongs. (Joe Hickman)

      Our country has changed a lot since 1776. The British taxed paupers
      like they were millionaires, and today our government taxes
      millionaires like they were paupers.

      It's hard to believe we're 233 years old. I don't feel a day over
      210. (Joe Hickman)

      July has been named National Grilling Month. It used to be National
      Waterboarding Month, but that has lost some of its popularity. So, now
      we just “grill” suspected terrorists. (Jerry Perisho)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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