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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-20-09

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-20-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE I will be taking a vacation from June 26 thru July 2 Weakly Humerus News will not be posted next week
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 20, 2009
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-20-09
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      I will be taking a vacation from June 26 thru July 2 Weakly Humerus
      News will not be posted next week

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      A South Carolina GOP activist got in trouble for saying that a gorilla
      that escaped from a zoo was an "ancestor" of Michelle Obama's.
      Republicans were infuriated with him, not so much for the racist
      comments, but because that would prove the theory of evolution! (Pedro
      Bartes)

      For eight years Republicans prayed that the President wouldn't appear
      on television very much. And, they're still at it. (Jim Mica)

      Former President George Bush Sr. celebrated his 85th birthday today by
      skydiving with CNN anchor Robin Meade. Fox News reported the story as
      "Liberal media pushes old man out of airplane." (Conan O'Brien)

      Hillary Clinton had dinner with eight former secretaries of state
      Tuesday night at the home of Madeleine Albright (Kissinger, Shultz,
      Baker, Eagleburger, Christopher, Albright, Powell, Rice - Haig was not
      there). While Hillary was addressing 8 secretaries, Bill was
      undressing 8 secretaries. (Jimmy Fallon)

      "These Iranians are wusses. Remember when Bush stole the election in
      2000. Did we riot in the streets and complain, We did not!" "Hell, No.
      We said, 'Well, that's the way it goes," and went home and watched
      TV." (Jeff Danzinger)

      Republican Senator John Ensign of Nevada admitted to having an affair
      with a campaign staffer in 2008. You know what they say, "What happens
      in Vegas stays on the front page of the Washington Post." (Jerry
      Perisho)

      In Britain, a puppy that was flushed down the toilet by a four-year-
      old boy was rescued and is doing fine. The puppy went down the drain
      a cocker spaniel and came out a shih tzu. (Jerry Perisho)

      Some conservative websites made fun of Michele Obama's harvest
      yesterday at the White House garden, saying that it was impossible for
      the vegetables to grow that fast. Maybe they didn't consider that the
      ton of crap we had in the last 8 years of the Bush administration
      could have acted as a fertilizer. (Pedro Bartes)

      The Consumer Products Safety Commission announced that coffee giant
      Starbucks is recalling 530,000 "Barista Blade Grinders" sold across
      the U. S. between March 2002 and March 2009 after receiving reports
      that they could start suddenly during cleaning and lacerate the
      owner's fingers. Said a commission spokesperson, "It's just not fair
      that customers who already pay Starbuck's an arm and a leg for a cup
      of coffee should lose a finger while making their own." (Bob Mills)

      The White House proposed federal loan guarantees for American nuclear
      power plant construction Tuesday. This will never get through
      Congress. The Democrats don't like nuclear power and the Republicans
      don't like it used for peaceful purposes. (Argus Hamilton)

      PETA

      The animal rights group PETA is criticizing President Obama after
      seeing footage of Obama killing a fly. Meanwhile, today, a fly buzzing
      around Joe Biden took its own life. (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama killed a fly during a CNBC interview with John Harwood
      Tuesday. He killed it with his bare hand. He was careful not to use
      the sole of his shoe on the fly because that's considered the ultimate
      sign of disrespect in the insect world. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama is getting a lot of criticism from PETA, you know,
      the Psychotics for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They’re taking
      issue with the fact that he killed a fly. For real. PETA said he
      should have captured the fly and taken it outside, which would have
      been a great message to send to North Korea. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      I don’t know how flies got on PETA’s do not kill list, but they have.
      And I say let he who is without a stain on his windshield that used to
      be a moth cast the first stone. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The White House will probably blame its infestation of flies on George
      Bush, saying it inherited them from the previous administration. Bush
      will deny it and say that anyway Obama should welcome the flies if he
      really wants an open administration. (Scott Witt)

      The White Housedoesn’t like confrontation. You know, they like to work
      things out. So as a gesture of good will, they have relocated the
      fly’s family to the Rose Garden, where they are now living on a fresh
      pile of Bo Obama’s dog droppings. So that’s nice. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      ABC will give President Obama an hour of free primetime Wednesday to
      promote his health care plan. The network refused to air commercials
      during the broadcast that express any opposing points of view on
      health care. It's only a matter of time before Barack Obama sheds the
      title of president to become the Kaiser Permanente. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Barack Obama gave a 56 minute speech to the American Medical
      Association. It is his longest speech to date. Are you kidding? Joe
      Biden can do 56 minutes on talking for 56 minutes. Joe Biden once did
      56 minutes just introducing the guy who was supposed to speak. (Alex
      Kaseberg)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Secretary of State Hillary Clinton fractured her right elbow in a
      fall. She must keep ice on it. For the next few days, she will have
      Bill near by. (Alan Ray)

      Hillary Clinton went to the hospital after breaking her elbow in a
      fall. Upon hearing the news, President Clinton immediately rushed to
      her nurse's bedside. (Marc Ragovin)

      Hillary Clinton fractured her right elbow, rendering her unable to
      answer any emergency phone calls at 3 a. m. (Neil Berliner)

      Not such a great day for Hillary Clinton. She fell down, broke her
      elbow. You know, Fox News is going to be all over this story. This
      proves the Democrats are weak. Reagan fell over 10 times, didn’t even
      break his hair. (Craig Ferguson)

      THE ECONOMY

      The market is somewhere between a bear and a bull … burial? (Michael
      Feldman)

      MySpace has cut its workforce by 30 percent. The layoff notices were
      tacky. "You have 3 assignments today online. Search for forums,
      groups, and a job." (Alan Ray)

      THE CONGRESS

      One day after admitting to an extramarital affair with an aide, Sen.
      John Ensign (R-NV) pleaded for understanding, arguing that hours spent
      on a tanning bed had "fried [my] judgment." (Andy Borowitz)

      Sen. John Ensign of Nevada had to resign as chairman of the Republican
      Policy Committee because he admitted to having an affair. It was an
      unusual affair for a senator — it was with a woman. (Craig Ferguson)

      THE STATES

      In Alaska, a 6-year-old girl caught a 138 pound halibut. I'm warning
      you right now, David Letterman, don't even think about making a joke
      about that Alaskan girl or Sarah Palin will hunt you down like a
      moose. (Alex Kaseberg)

      LOCAL NEWS

      An Iowa school district hired a collection agency to collect lunch-
      money debts. When asked if they thought it would work, a spokesperson
      replied, "Have YOU ever tried swinging from the monkey bars with
      broken thumbs?" (Todd Long)

      The Gum Wall in Seattle -- where theater goers would stick their gum
      on the wall while waiting in line -- has been named to the list of
      "Germiest Places in the U.S.." It's listed as second, right behind the
      back seat of Britney Spears' car. (Tim Hunter)

      Drivers in New York were cited as the most aggressive and angry in the
      country. Dallas was #2, so they will try harder now. (Joe Hickman)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      Last week, Sonia Sotomayor busted up her leg and I guess yesterday
      Secretary of State Hillary Clinton broke her elbow. But I thought this
      was nice. When he heard she broke her elbow, Rush Limbaugh sent over
      some painkillers. So she's going to be fine. (David Letterman)

      Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor defended her membership in an
      elite women-only club and said the group includes men in many of their
      activities. I believe most of the men work for Chippendales. (Bill
      Mihalic)

      Former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards says he's not
      sure if he should have run for the White House knowing his act of
      infidelity could be exposed. But he is sure he can win when he goes on
      "The Dating Game" against fellow bachelors John Ensign and Eliot
      Spitzer next week. (Jake Novak)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      I'm not surprised that Dick Cheney's approval rating has really
      soared, really skyrocketed, up to 26%. Because you know, he gave
      people what they wanted. He left office. (David Letterman)

      Senator John McCain announced today that he bought a hybrid car.
      Apparently, McCain thinks a hybrid car is one that has AM.and FM
      radio. (Conan O'Brien)

      John McCain said on his Twitter feed Monday that he is buying a 2010,
      silver Ford Fusion Hybrid. John McCain has a Twitter feed; can the end
      of the world be far behind? (Jerry Perisho)

      Perhaps Palin can now apologize to Letterman for implying he is a
      dirty old man who cannot be trusted in the presence of a 14 year old
      girl. (Phil Linahen)

      NASA & SPACE

      NASA canceled the launch of the Space Shuttle "Endeavor" because of a
      gas leak. It's also the last time astronauts will enjoy a pre-flight
      meal of curry. (Tim Hunter)

      MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

      Venezuela ordered Coca-Cola to pull its zero-calorie Coke Zero from
      their grocery store shelves. It's a break for the soft drink maker.
      The world has always loved their product and they'll pay a lot more
      for it now that it's an illegal product. (Argus Hamilton)

      ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

      A woman in England with 36 double-g breasts is going to skydive
      topless for charity. She is going to use her bra as a parachute. The
      difficult part is going to be to stop her bouncing when she lands.
      (Pedro Bartes)

      IRAQ & IRAN

      Today, the country of Iran is holding its presidential election with
      four candidates running. Iranians will have to decide which candidate
      is best prepared to lead them into the 12th century. (Conan O'Brien)

      The unrest in Iran continues. An election recount in Tehran is
      different from a dispute in the U.S. Under President Ahmadinejad,
      there are no hanging chads. Only hanging opponents. (Alan Ray)

      Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won the Iranian presidential election. People are
      angry and demanding a recount. As a matter of fact, the last
      unofficial count actually had Al Franken ahead. (David Letterman)

      In Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won the presidential election in a
      landslide. But there were problems with the ballots in the election.
      Who would have thought that? There was a mistake — thousands of
      Iranians ended up voting for Pat Buchanan. I hope they get this
      figured out soon because the last thing we need is unrest in the
      Middle East. (David Letterman)

      To honor dead protesters in Iran, the opposition leader Moussavi
      requested that demonstrators dress in black, also known to Iranian
      women as "casual everyday." (Dora Glasberg)

      Iran spiritual leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei says the elections there
      'weren't rigged. He also says Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire belong in
      the Hall of Fame" (Bill Littlejohn)

      ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

      In a major speech Sunday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu
      called for the Palestinians to get their own state. Unfortunately, the
      state he offered them is New Jersey. (Conan O'Brien)

      CHINA & THE FAR EAST

      A fashion designer in Beijing produces outfits exclusively for dogs.
      This being China, let's hope it doesn't bring a new and ugly meaning
      to dressing for dinner. (Alex Kaseberg)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      Six major health care organizations submitted a proposal Monday to
      President Obama detailing how they could save $2 trillion over 10
      years. The "Do It Yourself" Vasectomy option alone will save HMO's
      millions! (Jerry Perisho)

      Researchers have shown that children tend to talk less to their
      caregivers when there is a television in the room. These same
      researchers will next try to see if children tend to eat less liver
      and onions when there is an ice cream cone in the room. (Neil Berliner)

      SPORTS

      Sometime in the future Dodger fans may suspect Manny Ramirez is again
      taking female hormones when during afternoon games he demands the
      Jumbotron be tuned to Oprah. (Andy Richter)

      The Lakers drew thousands to their celebration of the team's 15th NBA
      title. Not to be outdone, the Clippers promise their fans a
      celebration next year if and when the team gets their 15th win.
      (Janice Hough)

      Troy Aikman returned to UCLA and graduated Saturday with a degree in
      sociology, 21 years after starring for the Bruins. What? You thought
      he’d have trouble passing? (Dwight Perry)

      New England quarterback Tom Brady, a three-time Super Bowl winner, had
      to be plucked from the Charles River when his rented kayak flipped
      over. Patriots fans were utterly shocked — to discover Brady really
      doesn't walk on water. (Dwight Perry)

      What do you call a USC player with an SAT score of 18? The team
      tutor. (Alex Kaseberg)

      In two weeks, Manny Ramirez's drug suspension will be over. He
      assures the Dodgers he will return as a good teammate with a great
      attitude, especially as he no longer suffers from PMS. (Janice Hough)

      Saw the French Open women's final and thought I was in a delivery
      room. Tennis is the only sport where they demand utter silence of the
      audience while the women are out there grunting as if delivering
      triplets. (Greg Cote)

      On Jonathan Ericsson playing in Game one of the Stanley Cup finals 3
      days after undergoing an appendectomy: "I think I have the same
      HMO." (Steve Schrader)

      There was some vandalism after the Lakers won the NBA championship. I
      like to think I contributed to their victory by never changing my
      Lamar Oden underpants. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      The hit comedy "The Hangover" was No. 1 at the box office after
      pulling in $33.4 million. Luckily, the film is NOT about Rush
      Limbaugh's beltline. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

      Letterman apologized to Sarah Palin about a joke he made about her
      daughter. A lot of people said, "That's not funny," which is odd
      because that is exactly what I said about McCain's choice of running
      mate. (Pat Costa)

      CELEBRITIES

      Saturday was Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen's 23rd birthday. The real
      cause for celebration: their birth weight has doubled. (Jerry Perisho)

      Billy Joel and his third wife, Katie Lee Joel, are separating after
      nearly five years of marriage. The "Piano Man" should have spent less
      time "tickling the ivories" and more time "tickling the ovaries".
      (Jerry Perisho)

      Recently Clay Aiken said, on his blog, that Adam Lambert singing made
      his ears bleed; as the only two openly gay "American Idol"
      contestants, you'd think they'd have each other's back and stick
      together in the end. Wait, that didn't sound right . (Alex Kaseberg)

      David Carradine's funeral was held on Saturday. Reporters were not
      allowed in; they were left hanging outside. (Pedro Bartes)

      Chastity Bono, 40-year old lesbian daughter of 1960s TV and music
      icons Sonny & Cher, has announced that she will soon undergo sex
      change surgery. Said her mom, "I'm disappointed that Chas has decided
      to undergo such a radical surgical change in her essential nature as a
      woman. She could have used so many of my leftover parts." (Bob Mills)

      "Rock of Love" star Bret Michaels said in a recent interview that he
      sometimes holds off taking insulin for his diabetes so that he can
      perform better during sex. Ask any woman; nothing says sexual
      satisfaction like a partner who's thirsty, drenched in sweat, and semi-
      comatose. (Jerry Perisho)

      Norman Brinker, the man who invented the salad bar, passed away last
      week. At his funeral, mourners were allowed to come back to his casket
      as often as they liked. (Tim Hunter)

      Joseph Houghtaling, the inventor of the "Magic Fingers Vibrating
      Bed," has died. His funeral service will have a nominal 25 cents
      admission charge but promises to be a relaxing 15 minute experience.
      (Janice Hough)

      HISTORY

      Today is the day for the big digital changeover for your TV.
      Everyone's getting ready. As a matter of fact, Dick Cheney hooked up a
      converter to his pacemaker. (David Letterman)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      British Airways has asked 40,000 employees to work the next month for
      free. That's just what you want, a pilot with nothing to lose. (Jimmy
      Fallon)

      My Space laid off 30 percent of their work force. No reason was given
      but the layoffs were announced on Facebook and Twitter. (Janice Hough)

      Six Flags, those amusement ride parks, has declared bankruptcy. Their
      stock dropped to 41 cents a share, then it went up to $20, then down
      to 45 cents, then slowly, way, way up to $30, then straight down to 12
      cents. Then stock holders started to barf. But for $50, they can buy a
      photo of what their faces looked like when prices started to dive.
      (Jimmy Fallon)

      HOLIDAYS

      Father's Day is Sunday. Like it or not, you always knew Dad's position
      on the issues. Horizontal on the couch. (Alan Ray)

      Sunday is Father's Day. Even if you failed, Dad was always there with
      words of encouragement. "I told you so." (Alan Ray)

      AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

      It's been reported that 11 percent of Americans still think that
      President Obama is a Muslim. Apparently, it's the same 11 percent who
      still think Adam Lambert would be perfect for their daughter. (Conan
      O'Brien)

      OTHER NEWS

      A man in New York was arrested after he dressed up as his dead mother
      for 6 years to collect her Social Security benefits. He said the worst
      part was having sex with his dad 3 times a week. (Jerry Perisho)

      A postal worker in Boston discovered a 2-pound, 8-week-old kitten in a
      mailbox during a scheduled afternoon pick-up. This is the most talked-
      about pussy in Boston since Manny Ramirez. (Jerry Perisho)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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