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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-23-09

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-23-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Rush Limbaugh, as head of the Republican Party, is less qualified to be VP than
    Message 1 of 1 , May 23 3:53 AM
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-23-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Rush Limbaugh, as head of the Republican Party, is less qualified to
      be VP than Sara Palin. Rush can't see Russia from his house. (GCH)

      The exacta (the 1-2 finishers) in the Preakness were a filly and a
      gelding. Or as Hillary Clinton calls it "A dream team." - Sort of
      ironic, the horse, Mine that Bird, who came the closest to chasing
      down the filly, Rachel Alexandra, wouldn't know what to do if he
      caught her. (Janice Hough)

      The U.S. government now borrows $1.00 for every $2.00 it spends. We're
      almost as stupid as the people who lend us the money. (Frank King)

      President Obama has found a way to quickly close Guantánamo Bay. He's
      going to turn it into a Pontiac dealership. (Jay Leno)

      "Keep the prisoners shackled to the walls," said Dick Chainey. (Rich
      Orwell)

      Sarah Palin's signing to write her memoirs with publisher
      HarperCollins turned out to be a mistake. They thought they were
      signing Tina Fey. (Doug Austen)

      Why do they call it American Idol when it is taped in Los Angeles?
      Because the Lakers in games 1,4 and 6 against Houston basically
      copyrighted "Los Angeles Idle." (Janice Hough)

      A six-month-old puppy in England was hospitalized after eating thirty
      fridge-magnet letters. That poor thing is going to have a heck of a
      "vowel" movement. (Pedro Bartes)

      If a slugger using a female fertility drug makes you uncomfortable,
      just think of it as Manny giving himself an early Mother's Day
      present. (Dwight Perry)

      Manny Ramirez insulted the Jewish community when he said that he does
      dread lox. (Warren Alexander)

      In California, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is calling for the
      legalization of marijuana. He's calling his program "Weed the
      People." (Jay Leno)

      In a move seen as equal parts symbolic and cost-cutting, the bankrupt
      Phoenix Coyotes will play all their home games on thin ice next
      season. (Dwight Perry)

      Chrysler says it is going to shut down 800 dealerships, which will put
      thousands of car salesmen out of work. I really feel sorry for those
      guys—an entire closet full of plaid sports coats and nowhere to wear
      them. (Bill Mihalic)

      The price of a postage stamp went up to 44 cents this week. Isn't that
      unbelievable? They said they had to raise the price because fewer and
      fewer people are using the mail these days. That's government
      thinking, isn't it? "Hey, nobody's buying our product. Let's raise the
      price." (Jay Leno)

      Dick Cheney says that Rush Limbaugh is more of a Republican than Colin
      Powell. And I think, well, yeah, about 300 pounds more. (David
      Letterman)

      A California man has been convicted in a scheme to buy and sell human
      body parts. The amount of money in the plot was never mentioned, but
      court records indicate the parts cost an arm and a leg. (Jim Barach)

      A survey claims 5% of men say they never masturbate. Come on, women,
      let's give these guys a hand. (Alex Kaseberg)

      On mangling a foul-ball call early in his Hall of Fame career: "I
      wanted to say, 'Hot shot hit foul!' It did not come out that
      way." (Vin Skully)

      Shirley Jones, the 75-year-old actress from the "Partridge Family,"
      may pose nude for Playboy. She said after 50 years in the business,
      she's ready to let it all hang down. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Miss California, Carrie Prejean, gets to keep her crown. Not only
      that, she gets to keep her implants for another year. Donald Trump
      reviewed the racy photos and approved. I like that he calls himself
      "The Donald." You can get away with that when your name is Donald.
      That doesn't work when your name is Colin Powell. Or Dick Cheney. (Jay
      Leno)

      American Idol contestants Adam Lambert and Kris Allen each got
      millions more votes than any of Arnold Schwarzenegger's California
      special election ballot measures. Guess the next time California
      elects an entertainer as governor, maybe we should make sure he can
      sing. (Janice Hough)

      Los Angeles is going to begin water rationing next month. Kids will
      still be allowed to run through the sprinklers, just not with the
      water running. Dick Cheney has been told to switch to sand-boarding.
      (Tim Hunter)

      DICK CHENEY & JOE BIDEN

      Dick Cheney said there was "room" for moderates in the Republican
      party. Yes, but presumably that room is in Gitmo. His definition of a
      moderate? Someone like Newt Gingrich. (Janice Hough)

      Joe Biden accidentally revealed Dick Cheney's secret hiding place.
      See, there's more proof you don't need waterboarding to get secret
      information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks. (Jay Leno)

      Vice President Joe Biden messed up at the Newspaper Association's
      Gridiron Dinner a couple months back and revealed the whereabouts of
      Dick Cheney's infamous undisclosed location. And we're just finding
      out about this now? No wonder newspapers are going out of business!
      (Frank King)

      Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech to fifth graders in Syracuse.
      He stopped after an hour when reminded of Obama's stand against
      torture. (Pat Costa)

      Vice President Biden is on a trip to Bosnia, Serbia, and Kosovo. The
      White House is calling it "Operation Keep Biden Away From a
      Microphone." (Jay Leno)

      Dick Cheney was supposed to be here, but he was working on his
      memoirs: "How To Shoot Friends and Interrogate People." (Baruch Obama)

      Today, president Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney gave
      speeches on torture. Now, is it me or have we seen more of Dick Cheney
      in the last week than we did in the past eight years? Anyway, the
      President spoke out against torture, while Cheney's speech was more of
      a how-to discussion. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama and Dick Cheney will give competing speeches tomorrow
      on national security and terrorism. It's kind of like "American Idol"
      except one of them got voted off months ago. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A New York City auction house is having something unusual. It's
      selling a large variety of torture devices dating from the 16th
      century. A bunch of torture devices; said the whole thing looks like a
      Dick Cheney garage sale. (Jay Leno)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      At the White House the other night, President Obama and First Lady
      Michelle Obama hosted a night of poetry and music featuring musicians,
      authors and poets, to which President Bush said, "Now, that's
      torture." (Jay Leno)

      President Obama went to Malia and Sasha's soccer game. He rode to the
      game on Minivan One. (Jimmy Fallon)

      There was a lot of controversy yesterday for National Prayer Day. It
      seems that President Obama is the first president in recent years not
      to have a prayer service at the White House. But, you know, I
      understand that. Between Jesse Jackson and Jeremiah Wright, he hasn't
      had the best luck with ministers. (Jay Leno)

      At the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama said the White House is
      a place where people should feel free to speak their mind, except, of
      course, Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Barack Obama said that his Administration will not release the
      photographs of detainee abuse. Not because they don't want to, but
      because they can't get the password for Dick Cheney's camera phone.
      (Jimmy Fallon)

      The National Archives lost a hard drive with massive amounts of
      valuable data from the Clinton Administration. It contained Bill
      Clinton's to-do list, 500 people long. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The White House announced future regulations for all U. S.-made cars
      Tuesday. From now on all cars are going to be made under the same
      standards as California cars. They must be able to be steered with the
      right knee while the driver drinks coffee, talks on the cell phone,
      texts the office for messages, and shoots the driver who just cut him
      off. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE ECONOMY

      Get ready for boom times, boom being the abbreviation for boomerang!
      (Gil Stern)

      The price of gas has gone up 25 cents per gallon in the past 3 weeks.
      Oil companies are trying to soften the blow to customers. At most
      stations, air and water will remain 50 cents. (Alan Ray)

      Oh, a horrible day today. Man, stocks were falling like Miss
      California's top. (Jay Leno)

      The Commerce Department reported weak sales of jewelry and cars
      Monday. Analysts say that due to the recession, the best-selling items
      are chocolates, lipstick and condoms. More and more Americans are
      going back to school to train for a new career as a whore. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      The economy is bad. It's in bad shape. Oh, it's bad. I saw Lou Dobbs
      picking up day laborers at Home Depot today. (Jay Leno)

      The economy is so bad, Nancy Pelosi now saying she was misled by E.F.
      Hutton. (Jay Leno)

      Medicare and Social Security are closer to default than previously
      thought. So we may have to postpone that whole getting-sicker-and-
      older thing. (Will Durst)

      THE CONGRESS

      Just days after switching to the Democratic Party, Arlen Specter said
      the Minnesota Supreme Court should award the disputed Senate seat to
      Republican Norm Coleman. Ah, that Specter. I always knew he was vice
      presidential material. (Marc Ragovin)

      Congress is working on legislation that would provide an incentive for
      people to junk their old gas-guzzling cars and buy new, more efficient
      ones. Meanwhile, Michigan already has an effective program to send
      more old cars to the junkyard—it's called "potholes." (Bill Mihalic)

      Yesterday, during a speech, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said the
      C.I.A. misleads us all the time. You know, unlike Congress. (Jay Leno)

      House Speaker Nancy Pelosi found herself under siege Monday for saying
      the CIA lied to her about waterboarding. She knows from experience
      that torture doesn't work. She's had Botox shots right next to her
      eyes and she never gave up her real age. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE STATES

      Arnold Schwarzenegger proposed raising cash for California's treasury
      Thursday by selling San Quentin prison to developers. It won't sell in
      this market. Nobody wants to purchase real estate with tenants in it
      because it's so hard to get them out. (Argus Hamilton)

      California is going broke. Governor Schwarzenegger may have to sell
      some of the landmarks like the Coliseum and San Quentin, which is bad
      news if you're a Raider fan. You're losing two homes, the Coliseum and
      prison. (Jay Leno)

      Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to legalize marijuana. He says the taxes
      on it will help raise money to balance the budget. Now, see, this can
      go one of two ways. Either California will raise some revenue and
      balance the budget or California still goes broke but everybody's too
      stoned to care. So, you see, it's a win-win, really. (Jay Leno)

      California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has reportedly expressed
      support for amending a marijuana-legalization bill to include
      hallucinogenic Fruit Loops, now sold in Ziploc bags for $10 on the
      streets of San Francisco. (UGA Humor List)

      Yesterday, the New York state Assembly overwhelmingly passed a bill
      approving same-sex marriage. And now the bill goes to the state
      Senate, where it will likely face a closer vote. In other words, the
      bill could go both ways. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A new study says that legalizing gay marriage in the state of
      Massachusetts has pumped an additional $111 million into the state's
      economy. Isn't that amazing? In fact, it's been so good for the state,
      you know Bunker Hill? Now renaming it Brokeback Mountain. (Jay Leno)

      A bill has cleared the Texas Senate which would allow concealed
      weapons on college campuses. The law would change life at a
      university. "Coach, I would like more playing time on Saturday." (Alan
      Ray)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Los Angeles will start a water rationing in June, which means Dick
      Cheney will only be allowed to waterboard guys two days a week now.
      (Jay Leno)

      The mayor of a Salt Lake City suburb says he will shave his nearly
      foot-long handlebar mustache for charity. How about shaving it because
      it's not 1895? (Doug Austen)

      A guy in Massachusetts was arrested for trying to eat a bowl of cereal
      while driving. His excuse didn't help; he claimed he was really hungry
      after all the pot he had smoked before getting in the car. (Pedro
      Bartes)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      Drew Peterson pleaded not guilty to murdering his third wife. He then
      added, "We ARE talking about the third one, right?" (Todd Long)

      A suspect at Guantanamo will face trial in New York and be held on
      Riker's Island, or as the inmates like to call it, "The Gitmo of the
      Ghetto." (Ira Lawson)

      THE MILITARY

      The Pentagon plans to create 20,000 new jobs to manage a revamp of the
      way the military buys billions of dollars of weapons each year. Here's
      a cheaper idea: Hire one guy who can say "No." (Paul Seaburn)

      ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

      Prince Harry will fly to New York for his first trip to America
      Friday. He's got a busy schedule. He's going to Harlem, he's going to
      Ground Zero, he's going to play polo, and he's going to take a DNA
      test to prove John Edwards is not his father. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Counties Crematorium in Milton Malsor, England, is under fire for
      replacing its longtime live funeral organist with a karaoke machine.
      Critics say the music sounds cheesy, and the speaker quality is tinny
      and dreadful. The worst is when the karaoke machine plays, "I Will
      Survive". Don't you hate it when a crematorium is under fire? (The
      Comedy Wire)

      FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

      A study, in Spain, found the air in Madrid and Barcelona had trace
      amounts of cocaine, amphetamines, cannabinoids, opiates and lysergic
      acid. Well, doesn't THAT explain Salvador Dalí? (Pat Costa)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      Saudi Arabia held its first beauty pageant today. They're already
      embroiled in a scandal. Topless photos of Miss Saudi Arabia have
      surfaced. You can see her entire forehead. (Jay Leno)

      Saudi Arabia's first beauty pageant begins Saturday. One contestant
      has already caused quite a stir by saying that she believes a marriage
      should only be between a man and several women. (Tim Hunter)

      CHINA & THE FAR EAST

      The government has shut down a sex theme park being built in China.
      The idea was to teach Chinese people about sex. They would have run
      into problems with Disney anyway, especially with the names of some of
      the attractions: "Great moments with Mr. Lincoln," "Mr. Toad's Wild
      Ride" and the one nobody wants to go on, "It's a small world after
      all." (Tim Hunter)

      AFRICA

      The USS Gettysburg caught seventeen Somali pirates who had captured an
      Egyptian merchant ship and detained them Thursday. We caught a lucky
      break. The Africans saw Gettysburg on the side of the warship and
      foolishly assumed it was there to free them. (Argus Hamilton)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      The Obama administration is set to announce tough standards for
      tailpipe emissions of carbon dioxide from new cars that will satisfy
      California, which has been fighting to set its own guidelines. Which
      means the rest of us won't have to move to California to continue
      breathing. (Joe Hickman)

      Pfizer announced they will give free Viagra to men who lost their job.
      That's not a bad idea, it will give the guys a place to hang their hat
      while standing in the unemployment line. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Food and Drug Administration issued orders Monday requiring labels
      on food to be more specific when stating fat content. This is long
      overdue. Food products will now be labeled no-fat, low-fat, reduced-
      fat and fat but with a great personality. (Argus Hamilton)

      A Canadian study says that if a woman wears a D cup she has a greater
      chance of getting diabetes than if she wears an A cup. Apparently, it
      has to do with all the free diners and drinks D-cup women get from
      horny guys. (Pedro Bartes)

      The National Institutes of Health is sponsoring a five-year study to
      see if prostitutes in China are drinking responsibly. Well, you'd hate
      to see these girls doing something irresponsible. (Todd Long)

      The National Institute of Health is paying researchers $400,000 to
      cruise bars in Argentina to try and figure out why gay men engage in
      risky sexual behavior while drunk. You know, I got a better idea. How
      about finding out why politicians like John Edwards engage in risky
      sexual behavior while sober? (Jay Leno)

      A six-month-old puppy in England was hospitalized after eating thirty
      fridge-magnet letters. That poor thing is going to have a heck of a
      "vowel" movement. (Pedro Bartes)

      After the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced that health
      information on the box could cause Cheerios to be regulated as a drug,
      General Mills said it would soon offer a prescription-strength version
      of the oat-based breakfast favorite. (UGA Humor List)

      THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      A moderate earthquake rattled Los Angeles Monday. They would have had
      a bigger quake, but the state can't afford it. (Jake Novak)

      Did you know we had another earthquake the other night? California is
      the only state where you don't know what is going to bounce first, the
      ground from the earthquake or your check from the state government.
      (Jay Leno)

      Los Angeles was struck by a moderate-size earthquake Sunday at
      sundown, followed by dozens of aftershocks. It had to happen
      eventually. California's government has thrown so many tax dollars
      down a rat hole, it's destabilized the crust of the earth. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      Ladies and gentlemen, there's good news for the environment. They're
      cleaning up the Hudson River. It had gotten so bad that the salmon
      actually had to swim upstream every year for their hepatitis shots.
      (David Letterman)

      SPORTS

      Since Mike Smith has another commitment for June 6, and Calvin Borel
      will stick with Rachel Alexandra for the Belmont, Mine that Bird will
      need another jockey for the third leg of the Triple Crown. Three
      riders in five weeks. They may have to change the horse's name to
      Paris Hilton. (Janice Hough)

      So Manny Ramirez has been banned 50 games for taking a female
      fertility drug. And now he's blaming A-Rod's gynecologist. (Marc
      Ragovin)

      Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez has been suspended 50 games for
      taking a banned substance believed to be a women's fertility drug.
      Some people call it suspension; he calls it maternity leave. (Pedro
      Bartes)

      Manny Ramirez has tested positive for some sort of female hormone. The
      Dodgers are saying they became suspicious when Manny missed a game to
      go to a Lamaze class. (David Letterman)

      It turns out he's OK, but you know LA Dodger Manny Rameriz who is
      suspended for taking a female fertility drug? The earthquake LA had?
      It knocked Manny off the table during his sonogram. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Roger Clemens didn't say the brightest thing in his latest denial of
      steroid use. He claimed that heart problems are hereditary in his
      family, adding that his step-father died of a heart attack. Perhaps
      his attorney advised him to plead diminished capacity. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Indy 500 is Sunday. What's the most noticeable difference between
      these drivers and the average motorist speeding on the freeway? The
      racers aren't texting. (Alan Ray)

      The San Francisco Giants pitching staff may soon start referring to
      themselves as "Bra-less." As in, no support. .At this point the
      Giants are scoring less than a Star Trek convention. (Janice Hough)

      What's the difference between the Giants and their website? The
      website regularly gets some hits. (Janice Hough)

      I read that the new Yankee Stadium is the most expensive place where
      athletes play, and I'm wondering, more expensive than Madonna? (Steve
      Rosenbloom)

      The media in Canada is pointing out that the ceremonial torch for the
      2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver resembles a hand-rolled
      marijuana joint. And today Michael Phelps announced he is taking
      curling lessons to try to make it into the US Olympic team. (Pedro
      Bartes)

      I'm no chemist, so I don't know exactly how HCG works, but I think
      it's important that we keep Manny Ramirez away from OctoMom. (Scott
      Ostler)

      On Rachel Alexandra becomong the first filly in 85 years to win the
      Preakness: Twelve desperate males chasing one favored female. Sounds
      about like any Saturday in any bar in America. (Greg Cote)

      The NCAA is looking into allegations that coach Tim Floyd gave
      $1000.00 to a friend of O. J. Mayo's to recruit the star player to
      USC. If USC ends up on probation or forfeiting victories over this,
      the incident may be known as "Sinko de Mayo." (Janice Hough)

      Two scenarios to see a Mariners-Yankees game in prime seats this
      season. Option 1: Two tickets to Tuesday night, June 30, Mariners at
      Yanks, cost for just the tickets, $5,000. Option 2: Two round-trip
      airline tickets to Seattle, Friday, Aug. 14, return Sunday the 16th,
      rental car for three days, two-night double-occupancy stay in four-
      star hotel, two top tickets to both the Saturday and Sunday Yanks-
      Mariners games, two best-restaurant-in-town dinners for two. Total
      cost, $2,800 Plus-frequent flyer miles.(Gary Cicio)

      Michael Vick was released from prison after serving 19 months for dog
      fighting. He said he wants to keep a very low profile, so he is
      considering signing for the Detroit Lions. (Pedro Bartes)

      All 20 competitors who had just weighed in for last weekend's Belgian
      bodybuilding championships quickly scattered when three doping
      officials showed up unannounced to do some drug tests, causing the
      event to be canceled. (Dwight Perry)

      Notre Dame's football team is considering scheduling a game at Yankee
      Stadium. So for that game will be team's motto be "Win one for the
      Clipper?" (Janice Hough)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      The movie Terminator Salvation opens today. This time Terminator comes
      back from the future to save California from going broke. (Pedro Bartes)

      In "Celebrity Apprentice," poker player Annie Duke got fired and Joan
      Rivers got hired. Joan Rivers looked shocked; of course, when doesn't
      she look shocked? (Jerry Perisho)

      Actor Keanu Reeves has been signed to star in a remake of "The Strange
      Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde." To take advantage of Keanu's acting
      range, the new version will be called "Dr. Jekyll and Dr.
      Jekyll." (Paul Seaburn)

      THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

      Hugh Hefner is looking to sell Playboy enterprises for $300 million.
      But all the potential buyers are offering much less because they say
      they only want to buy it for the articles.(Jake Novak)

      HBO says they won't allow murder suspect Drew Peterson to appear on
      their show, "Cathouse," the reality show set in a Nevada brothel.
      Finally, a TV show taking the moral high ground. (Tim Hunter)

      Miss California and Miss USA runner-up, Carrie Prejean, will be a one-
      day guest host for Fox News Channel's show Fox & Friends on May 27th.
      Don't get too excited... that's WITH her clothes on. (Tim Hunter)

      CELEBRITIES

      Woody Allen was awarded five million dollars in damages from American
      Apparel for using his image in an ad without permission. The company
      had said Allen's image has no dollar value considering his world-
      famous scandals. That's ridiculous, Calvin Klein built an entire brand
      identity based on sexualizing twelve-year-olds. (Argus Hamilton)

      Miss California believes marriage should be between a semi-nude man
      and a semi-nude woman. (Michael Feldman)

      Carrie Prejean, Miss California, claims those topless pics of her on
      the net are fake. So she's right about a couple of things. (Alan Ray)

      Shirley Jones, 75, is considering posing nude for Playboy. "Come on,
      get nauseous!" (Todd Long)

      Kiefer Sutherland is charged with assault after allegedly head-butting
      a fashion designer. The incident took place between 1:30 a.m. and 2:30
      a.m. (Todd Long)

      U.S. Senator John McCain will host a war movie marathon for American
      Movie Classics to help commemorate Memorial Day. It won't do very well
      in the ratings. Over on Turner Classic Movies, Sarah Palin is hosting
      a Beverly Hillbillies marathon. (comedian Argus Hamilton)

      Boy George was released early from prison after serving only four
      months of his 15-month sentence. He plans to release a song about his
      work detail called Karma Custodian. (Paul Seaburn)

      Wayne Allwine, the voice of Mickey Mouse for 30 years, died this week
      at the age of 62. You know, some people in Hollywood manage to achieve
      great fame and success, while others just squeak by. (Bill Mihalic)

      EDUCATION

      Only 27 percent of candidates who took the Massachusetts elementary
      teaching exam passed the math portion of the test. Said a
      spokesperson, "We are, of course, embarrassed that half of them
      failed." (Todd Long)

      A court in California ruled it's okay for private schools to expel
      lesbians. Miss California said public schools should also be able to
      expel lesbians; it is not that difficult L.E.S.B.I.A.N.S… (Pedro Bartes)

      HISTORY

      This week marks the 54th anniversary of the invention of the credit
      card. See, before that, people practiced something called "living
      within their means" — a foolish, foolish, outmoded way of life. (Jay
      Leno)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      According to a new survey one in four moms say they're having less sex
      because of the economy. The other three, just the opposite, way more
      sex, because that's the only way they can get some money to pay the
      bills. (Pedro Bartes)

      Craigslist is going to drop it "Erotic Services" section. I'm OK with
      the decision, but I understand Barbara Bondage, Whippin' Wanda and All-
      Leather Lucy are pretty upset. Not that I know them. (Tim Hunter)

      A recent survey found out that more than one in ten teens have sent
      naked pictures of themselves to a complete stranger, the other nine to
      someone they knew. (Pedro Bartes)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      The price of mailing a letter goes up 2 cents today. The Postal
      Service has named the new postage after the wait in the teller line.
      It's called a "Forever Stamp." (Alan Ray)

      Apple is reportedly in talks to buy Twitter for $700,000,000. The
      holdup seems to be that Twitter will only accept $140 at a time. (Todd
      Long)

      General Motors announced they're closing over a thousand dealerships.
      A lot of people are blaming G.M.'s new C.E.O., some guy named Barack
      Obama. (Jay Leno)

      Last week, the F.D.A. scolded General Mills for claiming that Cheerios
      lowers your cholesterol by 10 percent. Well, they're not stopping
      there. Today, under pressure, Captain Crunch admitted he lied about
      his military record. (Jay Leno)

      The Food and Drug Administration has ordered General Mills to stop
      making unauthorized claims about the heart benefits of Cheerios. But
      it can still say a plastic bag full of Cheerios is Prozac for
      toddlers. (Paul Seaburn)

      Thanks to some structural changes, Home Depot's first-quarter earnings
      jumped 44%. The hardware giant finally realized that you make more
      money when your customers can actually find the stuff they want to
      buy. (Jake Novak)

      Chrysler proudly announced that succesful bankrupcy will now make them
      more competitive. Successful bankrupcy? That must be why they keep
      making quality rattletraps. (Tulla Brendingulo)

      First Chrysler had a dreadful merger with Daimler-Benz. Now it is
      pinning its hopes on Fiat. Somebody remind them that the Axis lost WW
      II. (Marc Ragovin)

      HOLIDAYS

      You all have a happy Mother's Day? I thought this was nice. John
      Edwards told his wife, "Of all the women I have children with, I'm
      going to spend today with you." (Jay Leno)

      AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

      According to a Rasmussen poll, when asked if English should be
      America's official language, 85 percent of the people said, "Si." (Jay
      Leno)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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