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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-09-09

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-09-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Gary Cicio, NYC podiatrist, did the research, and asks us to choose one of the two
    Message 1 of 1 , May 9, 2009
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-09-09
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Gary Cicio, NYC podiatrist, did the research, and asks us to choose
      one of the two options to see a Mariners-Yankees game this season, and
      from the very best seats:
      Option 1: Two tickets to Tuesday night, June 30, Mariners at Yanks at
      Yankee Stadium, cost for just the tickets, $5,000.
      Option 2: Two round-trip airline tickets to Seattle, Friday, Aug. 14,
      return Sunday the 16th, rental car for three days, two-night double
      occupancy stay in four-star hotel, two top tickets to both the
      Saturday and Sunday Yanks-Mariners games, two best-restaurant-in-town
      dinners for two. Total cost, $2,800. Plus-frequent flyer miles. (Phil
      Mushnick)

      Happy Cinco de Mayo to uno and all. Cinco de Mayo is actually a bigger
      holiday here in the United States than it is in Mexico because we have
      more Mexicans here than they do there. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The Centers for Disease Control admitted Sunday that the swine flu was
      no more deadly than regular flu. It turns out the threat to America
      didn't really exist. We're just lucky that we found out before we
      invaded Mexico and toppled the government. (Argus Hamilton)

      It was a gloomy weekend for Republicans. In the Senate they faced the
      specter of Specter while Obama sought a suitor to replace Souter. (Pat
      Costa)

      The Catholic Church is encouraging the use of Twitter to send prayers.
      This new technology is changing liturgy. "Our Father who art in
      heaven" is now replaced with "OMG." (Alan Ray)

      Drug manufacturers have dumped 271 million pounds of pharmaceuticals
      into waterways that serve as drinking water. Turns out Michael Phelps
      was getting higher swimming in the pool water than he was when he was
      using the bong. (Jerry Perisho)

      The president may have a nominee for the Supreme Court by the end of
      the week. Does it bother anybody that he took him 10 times longer to
      pick a dog? (Craig Ferguson)

      California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced it might be
      time to study the legalization of marijuana. Actually, recent polls of
      Californians show most people support such legalization. I guess they
      feel that it's high time. (Janice Hough)

      Just a day after saying he wouldn't go anywhere in confined places
      like an aircraft or a subway because of the swine flu, Vice President
      Biden rode a train from Washington to Delaware. You know what that
      means? Not even Joe Biden listens to Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)

      Miss California, Carrie Prejean, who has now been confirmed to have
      had her "boob job" paid for by pageant officials, is going on the
      road. Apparently to talk about her view that marriage should be
      between a man and a surgically enchanced woman. (Janice Hough)

      A source close to Manny Ramirez said Thursday that the illegal
      substance for which the Los Angeles Dodgers slugger tested positive
      was prescribed to address Ramirez’s erectile dysfunction. Apparently,
      he was striking out pretty often… in bed. (Pedro Bartes)

      Russia insists it has no plans to step up its military presence in the
      Arctic. Sending troops up to the North Pole can only mean it could be
      the start of another Cold War. (Jim Barach)

      Porsche has unveiled its first four door sedan. It's for the man who
      is having his mid-life crisis but just can't quite yet afford to
      abandon his wife and kids. (Jim Barach)

      Alex Rodriguez was accused Thursday of tipping off pals on opposing
      teams to the pitch that was coming. He's now had three cheating
      accusations in three months. Everybody figured he would break Henry
      Aaron's record but nobody ever thought he'd break Bill Clinton's.
      (Argus Hamilton)

      I hear that President Obama called the IRS to see which tax evader he
      could nominate for the U. S. Supreme Court. (Bob Holzer)

      Fox is already cowering down to the President-- In response to
      President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black
      and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will
      now air " America 's Most Wanted" TWICE a week. (M. Hennigan)

      SWINE FLU

      The swine flu appears to be relatively mild, and it's shutting down
      schools. The only way this could be any better in most kids' minds is
      if were "broccoli flu." (Janice Hough)

      They say that swine flu is not as potent as they originally thought.
      You know, like the Yankee pitching staff. (David Letterman)

      Meanwhile, CNN reported today that its reporting of the swine flu
      story could spread significantly in the days and weeks ahead and might
      continue throughout the all-important May sweeps rating period. (Andy
      Borowitz)

      Mexican officials said Monday that swine flu is under control and that
      life in Mexico will soon return to normal. They never proved that the
      people who died in Mexico actually died from swine flu. It could have
      been the order to drink plenty of water. (Argus Hamilton)

      SWINE FLU VARIANTS – COURTESY OF JANICE HOUGH

      Sharks flu – Fever builds over the winter, but it fizzles out by May
      Yankees flu – hits at ballparks, seems to empty out the seats around
      home plate
      Kobe Bryant flu – very strong, but no one ever seems to pass it on.
      San Francisco Giants flu – Could potentially be dangerous but hasn't
      really hit anyone yet
      Mine the Bird flu – You've never heard of it before, but you can't
      catch it.
      Brett Favre flu – Particularly persistent strain, started in
      Wisconsin, spread to New York, and just when you think it's finally
      gone, it pops up again in Minnesota.
      Alex Rodriguez flu - Not as drug resistant as first thought, and it
      tips you off when it's coming
      Joe Biden flu. Seems innocuous, but… it… never… ends.
      John Edwards flu: Supposedly safely quarantined, but more free-ranging
      than we thought
      Norm Coleman flu: You may think you have it beat, but it can hang
      around for months
      (Janice Hough)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Today, President Barack Obama promised to "detect and pursue" American
      tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected
      and nominated American tax evaders. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama announced today plans to either trim or eliminate 121
      programs. The programs he wants to eliminate — Sean Hannity, Rush
      Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly… (Jay Leno)

      President and Mrs. Obama had a "date night" Saturday. They took a
      walk, had dinner, but then had to run to the ATM when they found out
      the government credit card was over its limit. (Jake Novak)

      President Obama will detail a new budget proposal today to save $17
      billion next year, mostly by putting the guys who work at AIG on
      commission. (Jake Novak)

      President Obama Monday went after companies which locate in the Cayman
      Islands where they pay no taxes. He can't stop himself. He's been very
      bored by the mundane tasks of the presidency and the only thing that
      has given him any thrill is killing pirates. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Hillary Clinton received a seventy-one percent job approval rating
      Friday. It's obvious why. President Obama had another date night with
      his wife Friday night and historically Hillary is at her most popular
      when the president's seeing another woman. (Argus Hamilton)

      The White House announced today that Vice President Joe Biden has
      laryngitis. Yeah. They said that he has a rare strain they hope lasts
      until 2012. (Jay Leno)

      Joe Biden took the train home to Delaware Friday a day after he warned
      America not to take trains to avoid swine flu. It's cut crime. New
      York transit police didn't arrest anyone all day because even subway
      flashers were wearing surgical masks. (Argus Hamilton)

      Barack Obama and Joe Biden made a surprise trip outside the White
      House yesterday for burgers. Yeah! Obama ordered a cheeseburger and
      Biden asked for whatever comes with the toy. After they finished the
      meal, Obama put the duct tape back over Biden's mouth. (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE ECONOMY

      The economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, John
      Edwards is giving his mistress IOUs. (Jay Leno)

      Miss California went to a gay wedding just for the free food. That's
      how bad the economy is. (Jay Leno)

      The economy is so bad China is now making toys out of synthetic lead.
      (Jay Leno)

      The President plans to change tax policies. No longer will
      businesses and individuals be able to use tax havens such as the
      Cayman Islands, the Bahamas and the Obama administration. (Doug Austen)

      The economy is improving. Here's a sign of that: Earlier today the
      Yankees sold three tickets. (David Letterman)

      THE CONGRESS

      Congress weighed a plan Tuesday to pay Americans four thousand dollars
      to replace their old cars with new fuel-efficient cars. The lawmakers
      don't understand the economics of the situation. New cars may be more
      fuel efficient, but an old Pontiac sleeps four. (Argus Hamilton)

      Congress is working on legislation that would provide an incentive for
      people to junk their old gas-guzzling cars and buy new, more efficient
      ones. Meanwhile, Michigan already has an effective program to send
      more old cars to the junkyard—it's called "potholes." (Bill Mihalic)

      A Congressional House Panel is investigating the college football BCS
      system. Apparently they will get to the unemployment problem, bank
      insolvency and the housing crisis right after they take care of the
      important stuff. (Jim Barach)

      THE COURTS

      A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven't seen in
      awhile. Let's just hope the president is better at picking a justice
      than the justices were at picking a president. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama announced the Supreme Court's vacancy Friday. He made
      clear what he's looking for in the new justice. The search is on for a
      disabled bilingual woman of color with paid-up taxes who baby-sits her
      own children and mows her own lawn. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Republicans say that Obama's pick for a replacement is completely
      unacceptable, and they will let us know why as soon as they find out
      who it is. (Bill Maher)

      Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced he will retire.
      Apparently since the Bush Administration shredded the Constitution,
      there just isn't much for the Court to do these days. (Jim Barach)

      Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced he will retire.
      Souter says it's just not as much fun since Presidential elections
      have gone back to being decided by the voters. (Jim Barach)

      The White House began vetting possible Supreme Court nominees Friday.
      They say they are confident they can find a justice by October, but
      that may be optimistic. It took them three months to find a
      hypoallergenic dog that was paid up on its taxes. (Argus Hamilton)

      69-year-old Supreme Court Justice David Souter said he's going to
      retire next month. Why's he retiring? I mean, he's a senior citizen.
      What's he going to do? He's going to sit around the house all day in
      his robe being judgmental, right? He might as well just stay on the
      job. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama declared Friday he will consider a Supreme Court
      nominee's life experience as much as the nominee's judicial
      experience. He won't have a litmus test except for one thing. Nobody
      gets nominated unless they favor college football playoffs. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      Barack Obama may choose Hillary Clinton as Souter's replacement. So
      the big question now is, well, can she make the transition from
      pantsuits to robes. (David Letterman)

      President Obama told reporters Saturday he will consider Supreme Court
      nominees as much for their empathy as for their legal experience. He
      wants to choose a woman of color who has empathy for real people and
      experience as a judge. The question now is, how's he going to get
      Paula Adbul through the U. S. Senate confirmation process? (Argus
      Hamilton)

      THE STATES

      The governor of Maine signed a bill legalizing same-sex marriages. You
      know what that means — gay lobsters. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Gay marriage is now legal in Maine. The new law will change the
      culture in the state dramatically. The conga line at wedding
      receptions will be something to see. (Alan Ray)

      Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, says it's time to start the
      debate on legalizing marijuana. Yeah. He says he "wants some pot in
      every pot." Of course, people in Los Angeles are split on this. Half
      want it legalized, the other half think it's already legal. (Jay Leno)

      Arnold Schwarzenegger is calling for a new debate on legalizing pot.
      The battle will be intense from both camps. But the post campaign
      parties on the pro side will be a lot more fun. (Alan Ray)

      The Connecticut State Senate has approved a measure that will ban
      children under 16 from handling or shooting machine guns. That should
      make residents feel safer knowing that automatic weapons are only
      permissible if the shooter is at least old enough to drive. (Jim Barach)

      LOCAL NEWS

      The crown of the Statue of Liberty will reopen on July 4. New Yorkers
      are looking forward to climbing up to the top of the statue and resume
      spitting on New Jersey. (Jake Novak)

      Country music mecca Branson, Missouri is getting its first airport.
      This is a significant development. Previously, the only people flying
      there were in Willie Nelson's bus. (Alan Ray)

      A Florida attorney lost his license Tuesday for arranging for an
      eighteen-year-old girl to work off her legal bill in bed. Every time
      she had sex with him he took two hundred dollars off her legal bill.
      He has been disbarred for double billing. (Argus Hamilton)

      JOHN EDWARDS

      There were signs that John Edwards was not the most faithful guy in
      the world, you know. Like, Elizabeth told Oprah that she asked John
      for one gift before their wedding, to be faithful. But after Elizabeth
      made this request, John stopped looking in the mirror and said, "Huh?
      I'm sorry. Did you say something?" (Jay Leno)

      John Edwards is now admitting that Federal investigators are looking
      into his presidential campaign finances and the fact that he paid over
      $100,000 to his mistress. Of course, Edwards is denying any
      impropriety. He said his mistress earned every penny. (Jay Leno)

      Federal authorities are now investigating how John Edwards spent his
      campaign money. Well, we know what he didn't spend it on — condoms!
      (Jay Leno)

      A criminal grand jury is now probing whether or not Edwards illegally
      gave $114,000 from his political action committee to his mistress.
      Edwards said it was proper use of action committee money because he
      said, hey, he was getting plenty of action. (Jay Leno)

      The New York Daily News is reporting that John Edwards' mistress is
      mad about all this publicity, and she is now demanding a paternity
      test. Well, good luck getting John Edwards to give up a strand of
      hair. Never happen. (Jay Leno)

      John Edward's trying to get back into elected politics would be like,
      I don't know, Newt Gingrich trying to get back into elected politics.
      (Frank King)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      George Bush and English didn't mix,
      But Cheney's vocab was prolix,
      He offered his betters
      The choicest 4 letters,
      With a "U" added in just for kicks.
      (Larry Eisenberg)

      President Obama said that the country needs to remember that it is
      cool to be smart. Today, former President George W. Bush gave the
      rebuttal. (Jay Leno)

      Sarah Palin joined the GOP national listening tour Tuesday. Her
      daughter is an unwed teen mom and her sister-in-law just got busted
      for selling meth. She won't be the first politician to run for
      national office in order to spend less time with her family. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      A California woman claims her father was the so-called "Zodiac killer"
      and that she accompanied him on some of his shootings when she was 7.
      But in her defense, it was "Take Your Daughter to Work Day." (Todd Long)

      THE MILITARY

      The Pentagon plans to create 20,000 new jobs to manage a revamp of the
      way the military buys billions of dollars of weapons each year. Here's
      a cheaper idea, hire one guy who can say "No." (Paul Seaburn)

      NASA & SPACE

      Scientists at NASA believe that “warp drive”, a term used only on
      “Star Trek”, is not impossible and may one day be used in space. The
      closest thing we have to that speed today is AIG going through federal
      bailout money. (Jerry Perisho)

      NASA is sending up a mission on Monday to fix the aging Hubble
      telescope. How old is the Hubble? For the last few years the telescope
      has been orbiting the earth with its left blinker on. (Janice Hough)

      ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

      Britain's Labor government banned radio talk show host Michael Savage
      from England Wednesday. They also banned Klansmen, neo-Nazis, Jewish
      extremists, and al-Qaeda. Everybody has congratulated them on
      assembling a banned tourist list that looks like America. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      WESTERN EUROPE

      Angered over encounters with walkers wearing nothing but boots and
      socks, citizens in the tiny Swiss Alps canton of Appenzell Inner
      Rhodes have voted to ban nude hiking. Hey, it was either that or bust
      the budget on "Beware of Bares" signs. (Dwight Perry)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      Saudi Arabia's first beauty pageant begins Saturday. Some Saudis like
      it, but most think the contestants reveal way too much eye. (Jimmy
      Fallon)

      An 8 year old Saudi girl is divorcing her 50 year old husband.
      Apparently he wanted children right away and she wanted to wait until
      puberty. (Jim Barach)

      AFRICA

      Women in Kenya have said they will abstain from sex until their
      government is in order. Is that a good idea? Look how well it worked
      out with Hillary Clinton. (Janice Hough)

      Kenya was faced with a sex strike called by Kenya's women to protest
      public policy. It certainly got the men's attention. You're allowed
      four wives in Kenya but if they all belong to the same union you're in
      the same position as Chrysler. (Argus Hamilton)

      Cairo police Monday confiscated and slaughtered pigs from Egyptian pig
      farmers without compensation. The police in Egypt are corrupt but
      they're not very bright. They were so disappointed when they cut the
      pigs open and there were no coins inside. (Argus Hamilton)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      South Korean scientists have cloned a dog that glows in the dark. This
      begs the question: Does it shed light? (Doug Austen)

      The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation awarded $100,000 grants to each
      of 81 unusual projects, Monday. One of the researchers will see if he
      can give mosquitoes a head cold to keep them from sniffing out human
      blood. If it works on the mosquitoes, he's then going to try it on a
      swarm of attorneys. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      It's hot! Fires are raging in California. Miss California immediately
      put out a statement saying she's OK with flaming things as long as
      they don't get married. (Craig Ferguson)

      SPORTS

      Manny Ramirez of the L.A. Dodgers tested positive for a steroid that's
      sometimes used as a sexual enhancer. Apparently Manny couldn't get to
      third base on his own. (Craig Ferguson)

      Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games for using a female
      fertility drug. An investigator who had talked to the star earlier and
      heard his voice said it was a case of "Manny being Minnie". (Bill
      Littlejohn)

      As a result of Manny Ramirez's suspension, the slugger will lose $8
      million over the next 50 days... compared to GM, Ramirez is an
      amateur. (Jake Novak)

      New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez returns to play this week as a
      new book comes out saying he took steroids, chased hookers and
      strippers and tipped pitches to opposing batters. He's in a lot of
      trouble. Every time an umpire calls him safe, he just laughs. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      Brett Favre sent an X-ray of his shoulder to the Minnesota Vikings.
      The Vikings will decide whether or not to make Favre an offer based on
      the report from the paleontologist. (Janice Hough)

      The winner of the Kentucky Derby, a 50-1 long shot name Mine the Bird,
      was purchased for $9,500. That's less than Aretha Franklin paid for
      her hat. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Red Sox broke an American League record by scoring 12 runs in the
      sixth inning againsts the Indians, BEFORE making an out. The game,
      which they won 13-3, may go down in history as the Boston Put-it-on-a-
      Tee Party. (Janice Hough)

      LeBron James has won the NBA's MVP title. He's like Joe Biden's mouth.
      When he's open, he can't be stopped. (Alan Ray)

      The Dodgers' Orlando Hudson, the Rangers' Ian Kinsler and the Twins'
      Jason Kubel each pulled off the same one-game rarity — a single,
      double, triple and home run — on April 13. Or as sabermetricians
      prefer to call the phenomenon, Hitting For The Tricycle. (Dwight Perry)

      The Anaheim Mighty Ducks beat the Dallas Stars 4-3 in five overtimes,
      ending the fourth-longest game in NHL history. The three longest games
      are still being played. (Sports Pickle)

      Three coaches have already been socked with $25,000 fines for
      criticizing referees during the NBA playoffs. Commissioner David Stern
      scoffed at the notion of crooked officiating, denied the existence of
      Tim Donaghy, and said referees never favor superstars or miss
      traveling calls. (Matt Youmans)

      Spotted doing some serious mixed martial-arts training at Gracie Gym
      in Orlando, Fla., Suns center, Shaquille O'Neal. Or as he now prefers
      to be known: Hackin' Shaq. (Dwight Perry)

      The Lakers lost a playoff game at home. I think the last time that
      happened, Jack Nicholson's date hadn't even been born yet. (Jay Leno)

      Tampa Bay Ray Carl Crawford tied the Major League record with six
      stolen bases in a game Sunday. It was a wasted effort. A lot of
      baserunners are showcasing their stealing ability for the investment
      banks, forgetting they now have a salary cap. (Argus Hamilton)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      NBC is going to air Saturday Night Live on Thursdays. No wonder NBC is
      tanking in the ratings, what's next: Monday Night Football on
      Wednesdays? (Pedro Bartes)

      A new Star Trek movie opens soon. It takes place so far into the
      future the 2009 NBA playoffs are almost over. (Brad Dickson)

      A new "Star Trek" film premieres Friday. This edition will feature
      some tense moments for hard core Trekkies. Like, when they have to go
      to the ticket window and talk to a girl. (Alan Ray)

      A new show debuted earlier tonight. It's about fashion designers who
      compete. Sounds exactly like "Project Runway." I don't have a problem
      with similarities between two shows. Look at "The View" and "When
      Animals Attack." (Craig Ferguson)

      The number two movie in the country is the romantic comedy, "The
      Ghosts of Girlfriends Past", or as John Edwards calls it, "a horror
      film." (Jay Leno)

      THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

      ESPN hired Matt Millen, fired as the Detroit Lions general manager
      after an 0-16 season, as an expert football analyst. Isn't hiring Matt
      Millen now as an football analyst like hiring George W. Bush to teach
      English. (Janice Hough)

      The Onion says it will discontinue print editions in San Francisco and
      Los Angeles. For the first time, no Onions will bring tears to the
      eyes of readers. (Pat Costa)

      The New York Times has reached a deal with the unions that will keep
      the Boston Globe alive. The unions have agreed to take pay cuts, and
      the Times has agreed to continue not publishing the truth about
      unions. (Jake Novak)

      CELEBRITIES

      Paula Abdul ihad the courage to reveal that she's been addicted to
      prescription painkillers for the past 12 years. And to Paula, I'd just
      like to say, "We knew." (Jimmy Fallon)

      It came out today that Paula Abdul only makes 5 percent of what
      Simon Cowell makes on "American Idol." To be fair, she's only awake 5
      percent of the time. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Nevada's Moonlite BunnyRanch brothel offered Rod Blagojevich an HBO
      reality show in which he'd supervise the hookers while they tried to
      tempt him. Imagine his dismay. The whole idea of beginning a new life
      was to get away from Illinois politics. (Argus Hamilton)

      In an interview this week Joe the Plumber referred to gays as "queers"
      and said he doesn't want his children around them. Well, I guess he's
      not sending the kids to Catholic school. (Janice Hough)

      Ex-slugger Darryl Strawberry claims he has slept with 1,000 women. If
      my math is correct, Wilt Chamberlain surpassed that total his rookie
      season. (Greg Cote)

      Porn star Stormy Daniels is thinking of running for a Senate position
      in Louisiana. She says that's the only position she hasn't tried.
      (Jerry Perisho)

      This economy is rough, Lindsay Lohan dumped her girlfriend, Samantha
      Ronson, and switched back to dating guys just to save money on
      batteries. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Jackie Chan has announced he will be in his 100th movie. The action
      star is getting a little older. The only martial arts scene in this
      one will be his daily Tai Chi work out in the park with his senior
      group. (Jim Barach)

      Paris Hilton was at the Kentucky Derby. It got awkward, Paris insisted
      on betting $100 on Chlamydia to show. Paris got the tip from her
      gynecologist. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Elisabeth Hasselback said in an interview that Bristol Palin was the
      "perfect" choice" to talk about teen abstinence. I assume she also
      thinks that Bill Clinton was the perfect choice to sign the "Defense
      of Marriage Act? (Janice Hough)

      Michael Douglas and Oliver Stone are planning a sequel to the movie
      "Wall Street". It's a continuation of the greed and corruption that
      drives the nation's financial industry. In other words, they are
      making a documentary. (Jim Barach)

      Kelly McGillis -- Tom Cruise's girlfriend in "Top Gun" -- has
      announced that SHE is now gay. She also admitted having a crush on
      Sarah Palin and asked her to "Take me to bed or lose me forever"
      because she's such a Maverick. (Pedro Bartes)

      Having Bristol Palin preach abstinence is like naming Keifer
      Sutherland the national spokesman for anger management. (Jerry Perisho)

      Bernie Madoff’s longtime secretary says he was a flirtatious boss who
      made sexually suggestive remarks to her and liked to go to massage
      parlors. If this Ponzi scheme hadn’t collapsed, he may have been
      headed for Governor. (Jerry Perisho)

      EDUCATION

      Here's good news: For the first time in 30 years, American children
      have improved their reading scores. Now they can read English almost
      as well as Chinese children. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The University of California says they may start a marijuana research
      center. Really? I thought the University of California was a marijuana
      research center. (Jay Leno)

      RELIGION

      The Vatican is issuing no ban on the upcoming release of "Da Vinci
      Code" sequeal "Angels and Demons." The Church believes people going to
      see the movie will be punished enough. (Jake Novak)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      A Japanese software company has come up with a cell phone program to
      help people out on the town find the nearest restroom. It is a really
      crappy app. (Pedro Bartes)

      Apple is reportedly in talks to buy Twitter for $700,000,000. The
      holdup seems to be that Twitter will only accept $140 at a time. (Todd
      Long)

      Gun shops across the country are reporting a run on ammunition,
      because gun owners believe Obama will increase taxes on bullets thus
      raising the price of the ammo. Then shouldn't Obama spread the rumors
      he is going to raise the prices of all the American cars? (Pedro Bartes)

      President Obama is giving Chrysler $8 Billion to file bankruptcy. How
      bad has it gotten when a company needs $8 Billion to say they are
      broke? Apparently the money will go for bonuses to executives for
      doing such a great job. (Jim Barach)

      In addition to buying Chrysler, Fiat is also thinking about buying
      Opel, the European branch of G. M. If all of the deals are completed,
      Fiat will have cornered the world market on rust. (Paul Seaburn)

      The White House was accused by the lawyer representing Chrysler
      bondholders of threatening bondholders with public ruin if they didn't
      agree to the president's deal to keep Chrysler out of bankruptcy. How
      scary. This Passover if you didn't have lamb's blood on your door, the
      Angel Obama came by and seized your senior secured debt. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      General Motors has reported a $6 billion loss. Six billion dollar
      loss. You know what that means? Somebody is in line for a pretty good
      looking bonus. (David Letterman)

      A Manhattan auction house is selling a collection of medieval torture
      devices. Apparently, they bought most of them at Dick Cheney’s garage
      sale. (Pedro Bartes)

      Our friends at AIG are back in the news. In March, the CEO told
      Congress that AIG paid $9 million in bonuses in 2008. Now, they say
      that number was a little off; it’s was really $454 million. The
      numbers keep multiplying; who is their accountant, Octomom? (Jerry
      Perisho)

      HOLIDAYS

      President Obama attended an early Cinco de Mayo event at the White
      House yesterday, but he mistakenly greeted guests with the phrase,
      Welcome to Cinco de Cuatro, which means five of four. Maybe it’s the
      White House itself that makes people dumb. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      May Day brought out Hispanic marchers in Los Angeles Friday for
      illegal alien rights. They demanded the full rights of American
      citizenship. They want Social Security and voting rights, thirty
      percent of Chrysler and sixty percent of Citigroup. (Argus Hamilton)

      Sunday is Mother's Day, and there's speculation that sales of flowers
      will be down. One enterprising delivery service is doing something
      about it: "Teleflora introduces the Imaginary Bouquet. Tell mom it's
      all you can afford." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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