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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-02-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Not so very long ago we were all told that a black man would be President when
    Message 1 of 1 , May 1, 2009
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-02-09


      Not so very long ago we were all told that a black man would be
      President when pigs fly. On the 100 day of Barack Obama's
      Presidency... swine flu! (Author Unknown)

      Remember the good ol' days when we thought the only bad pork was in
      the federal budget? (Jay Leno)

      They're saying that the swine flu comes from Mexico. Thank God we have
      an airtight border with Mexico. (David Letterman)

      Americans are becoming more optimistic about the nation's economy, a
      new survey showed Wednesday. This explains why Fox News didn't carry
      the Obama news conference. No need to alarm Republicans. (Joe Hickman)

      I'm glad you're all in a good mood, but I'm a little bummed out today
      because I made a bad investment. So stupid! I opened a Chrysler
      dealership in Mexico City. (Jay Leno)

      With the new tax, cigarettes now cost $10 a pack in New York.
      Cigarettes are so expensive, second-hand smoke has been renamed "pre-
      owned" smoke. (Bill Williams)

      No matter how bad your job is, remember: You are not the Mexican
      Minister of Tourism. (Will Durst)

      I had a rough day yesterday with this swine flu business. I walked
      into my bank wearing a mask — it was all downhill from there. (Jeff

      Hollywood is working on a new movie about Chrysler: "Chitty Chitty
      Bankrupt." (Jake Novak)

      Hey, have you all started making your summer vacation plans? I’m not
      sure what to do this year. I’m stuck between a Somali pirate cruise or
      a trip to a Mexican pig farm. (Jay Leno)

      A Chicago cemetery unveiling a Wrigley-themed mausoleum. Can you
      imagine, if the Cubs ever break their current one-century slump,
      everybody rolling over at once? Best guess is it would spark the
      mother of all urned runs. (Steve Schrader)

      The home runs are flying out of the new Yankee Stadium, to give you an
      idea, ex-New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer could score there without hiring
      a hooker. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Miss California Pageant officials admitted Thursday that they paid for
      breast implants for Miss California Carrie Prejean to help her win the
      Miss USA pageant. Their little plan backfired. Just her luck, she got
      a gay judge who only looked at her shoes. (Argus Hamilton)


      Obama's approaching his first 100 days in office. He's had to deal
      with a financial crisis; pirates; swine flu; all that plus he's got a
      live-in mother-in-law. Meanwhile, John McCain was putting his Glenn
      Miller records in storage. (David Letterman)

      Today marks 100 days for Barack Obama. Meanwhile, John McCain was
      waxing his Pontiac. (David Letterman)

      President Obama has accomplished a lot. If you compare the last two
      presidents, President Bush spent his first 100 days in the Oval Office
      looking for the corner. (David Letterman)

      Obama was celebrating his first 100 days in office. George Bush was
      president for eight years and never spent close to 100 days in office.
      (Jay Leno)

      Today marks Obama's first 100 days in office. It's a big deal, because
      100 days is when his warranty runs out. We can't return him now.
      (Jimmy Kimmel)


      To help avoid the spread of swine flu, the U. S. government is asking
      Mexicans not to come to the United States. Isn't that what they've
      been doing for the past 40 years? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      It's swine flu now. It's so big, it's knocked the torture stuff right
      off the front page. It's obvious who's spreading the swine flu, Dick
      Cheney. (Jay Leno)

      They're calling it swine flu because it's either originated from pigs
      or AIG executives. (Jay Leno)

      Swine flu anyone? I'm terrified. Texas Gov. Rick Perry has asked the
      government for federal aid to fight the swine flu. Isn't this the guy
      who just last week was threatening to secede from the United States?
      (Craig Ferguson)

      The World Health Organization insisted yesterday that the swine flu
      virus doesn’t spread with the contact with pigs, and Bill Clinton
      immediately sighed with relief. (Pedro Bartes)

      To give you an idea how bad this swine flu is, today the U. S.
      government took down the border wall and replaced it with a giant
      sneeze guard. (Jay Leno)

      Doctors say that the swine flu can be treated with Tamiflu and
      Relenza. Awesome! Now, I have to find a way to cross to Mexico and buy
      them cheaper there. (Pedro Bartes)

      World health officials are worried the swine flu may turn into a
      pandemic. A pandemic is a worldwide epidemic. The last time we had one
      of those we got the lambada. (Bill Williams)

      It was cold today in New York City. So cold, I was wearing two swine
      flu masks. (David Letterman)

      Biden did it again. Joe Biden was on the "Today" show, and he said he
      would tell his family members not to take any commercial flights and
      don't ride in any subway cars because of this swine flu. You know, I
      don't think Joe Biden's going to catch swine flu, but it's pretty
      obvious he has a case of foot-in-mouth disease. (Jay Leno)

      New Yorkers are being very careful about that swine flu. The
      government is saying forget about nonessential air travel. Here's an
      example of nonessential air travel: flying Air Force One really low
      over New York City. (David Letterman)

      He warned us about the flu pandemic during the conference. Has a
      president ever called a press conference to remind us to wash our
      hands? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Well, they say this outbreak of swine flu got its start in Mexico and
      then came up here. You know what Wal-Mart calls something that got its
      start in Mexico and came up here? Employees. (Jay Leno)

      During his speech to the nation last night, Obama told the American
      people they should cover their mouths when they cough to prevent the
      spread of swine flu. And today, he told Joe Biden to cover his mouth
      whenever he talks. (Jay Leno)

      New York City is taking every possible precaution to avoid swine flu.
      For example, I was over at St. Patrick's Cathedral earlier today,
      lighting a candle, and I happened to notice that they have replaced
      the holy water with Purell. (David Letterman)

      The swine flu outbreak is hurting the already strapped U.S. travel
      industry. Most U.S. airlines are now charging travellers a special $25
      surcharge if they don't want to be seated next to a Mexican. (Jake

      Sports fans are being asked to stay home in Mexico because the flu
      spreads in large crowds. In New York, they're trying a similar thing
      at Yankee Stadium by making sure the prices for tickets are so high
      that no one can afford them. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      In a move that has stunned Washington, D.C., longtime Pennsylvania
      Republican Senator Arlen Specter has switched parties. He is the first
      Republican senator to switch teams since Senator Larry Craig, I guess.
      (Jay Leno)

      Well, actually, other senators are talking about jumping ship as well.
      There's talk John McCain may go back to the Federalist Party. (Jay Leno)

      This really is big, because Specter's move puts the Democrats within a
      hair's breath of a unfilibusterable 60-seat Senate majority. So now it
      appears the Senate's balance of power, in many respects, the future of
      our nation is in the hands of Al Franken. (Jon Stewart)

      Republican Senator Arlen Specter has contracted donkey flu. We should
      have seen this coming, folks. Specter was exhibiting the classic
      symptoms of donkey flu: mild fever, and being 21 points behind in
      Republican primary polls. (Stephen Colbert)

      Arlen Specter has switched sides — he left the Republican Party and
      went over to the Democrats. Who's he think he is, Lindsay Lohan?
      (Craig Ferguson)

      Arlen Specter has been a Republican for a long time, so it has got to
      be tough, don't you think? I mean, for years you're lying out of the
      right side of your mouth, and now suddenly you've got to start lying
      out the left side of your mouth. (Jay Leno)

      He announced that he's now a Democrat. Republicans were like, "Right —
      you've been a Democrat for 15 years." (Craig Ferguson)

      Sen. Arlen Specter has a new reality show: "I'm a Republican — Get Me
      Outta here!" (Jay Leno)

      The 79-year-old senator is leaving the Republican Party. Which is a
      big loss for Republicans — they really could use that young blood.
      (Jay Leno)


      The president held a press conference last night. I especially liked
      it when he said, "Sometimes stuff was like other stuff." Fox didn't
      air his press conference. I get it — Fox doesn't like the president.
      But why not cover the conference. He might get tripped up from
      reporters asking tough questions like, "Is the dog house-trained
      yet?" (Craig Ferguson)

      The president held a press conference last night. All the major
      networks carried it except Fox. They ran the show "Lie to Me." (Jimmy

      President Obama met with representatives of the credit card industry.
      Apparently the stimulus package has already resulted in the White
      House maxing out both its Visa and Master Card. (Jim Barach)

      This is all over the news: Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable
      garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy's bad when the
      Obamas are afraid of running out of food. (Jimmy Fallon)



      The economy is rough, to save money, today five Republicans switched
      to democrat and then switched to Geico to save money on their car
      insurance. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Wall Street surged by 168 points on Wednesday. Mostly on the news that
      swine flu only kills poor people. (Frank King)

      This economy is rough, Lindsay Lohan dumped her girlfriend, Samantha
      Ronson, and switched back to dating guys just to save money on
      batteries. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A new survey shows that rich people feel guilty when they buy luxury
      items like jewelry in a bad economy, but not as bad as taxpayers when
      we buy stupid things like Chrysler, Citigroup and AIG in a bad
      economy. (Jake Novak)

      A poll says that 59% of Americans feel the bank bailout is a bad idea.
      The other 41% are Wall Street Executives. (Jim Barach)

      Wall Street reacted predictably to the swine flu scare Tuesday.
      Airline stocks fell but pharmaceuticals rebounded. They had been very
      depressed on reports that President Obama was going to heal the sick,
      but when he didn't the drug stocks rallied. (Argus Hamilton)


      Congress is back at work amid a national scare over swine flu. It took
      awhile to get everybody settled down. There was panic inside the
      Budget Committee until health officials explained to the lawmakers
      that they cannot catch it from pork (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama's budget was passed by the Democrats in Congress
      Wednesday. It puts the country four trillion dollars in debt. It's
      hard to believe Nancy Reagan was nearly run out of the White House
      twenty-five years ago just for borrowing dresses. (Argus Hamilton)


      Justice David Souter is retiring from the Supreme Court. After more
      than 18 years on the nation's highest court, Souter finally feels like
      it's time to talk to a woman. (Jake Novak)

      The FDA obeyed a court order Wednesday to let seventeen-year-old girls
      get the morning-after birth control pill. The label's specific. The
      pill can only be taken by women because, generally speaking, men are
      nowhere to be found on the morning after. (Argus Hamilton)

      The U. S. Court of Appeals ruled Tuesday a lawsuit by five former
      terror suspects of the CIA can go forward. They say they were
      kidnapped, beaten, cut with scalpels and shocked. The Thanksgiving
      table at the Cheney house is not for the faint of heart. (Argus

      The Supreme Court debated overturning part of the Voting Rights Act
      Tuesday. Opponents warn that just because a black man is president
      doesn't mean America is any less racist. They showed photos of a dog
      barking ferociously at a black man, and it was Bo. (Argus Hamilton)


      Iowa's historic same-sex marriage law went into effect on Monday. No
      one should be surprised that Iowa has gay people. It was only a matter
      of time after the Music Man came to River City before choreography
      took its inevitable toll on the farm population. (Argus Hamilton)

      Texas Governor Rick Perry canceled all high school sporting events
      Tuesday to slow swine flu. That's a timid response for him. His first
      instinct was to stand in front of a crowd of cheering Texans and
      threaten to secede from the animal kingdom. (Argus Hamilton)


      With the new cigarette tax, a pack of smokes in New York costs $10; it
      is so expensive to smoke in New York now, in Times Square, the hookers
      are offering a $50 special that includes blowing smoke. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A deputy sheriff in Florida who has served 21 years with the office
      has resigned after his wife and mother-in-law took his patrol car out
      for a joy ride. If there is a mother-in-law involved can it
      technically be called a joy ride? (Doug Austen)

      A fifth-grader in Indiana was arrested for selling marijuana at his
      school. His teacher knew something was up when she asked what three
      plus two is and he answered, "Five ounces." (Jimmy Fallon)


      House Speaker Nancy Pelosi went before cameras Thursday and denied
      ever being briefed in secret about CIA torture methods six years ago.
      It looks like we'll never know. Thanks to Botox you can't tell if
      she's lying, laughing or just lost a relative. (Argus Hamilton)


      Former Vice President Dick Cheney says he wants CIA files declassified
      for his memoirs. Apparently he can't use his old method of having
      Scooter Libby leak them to the press. (Jim Barach)



      The Pentagon revealed Tuesday that waterboarding an al-Qaeda suspect
      prevented a terrorist attack in Los Angeles. The attack made no sense.
      You would think that people who want to destroy America would spare
      Hollywood out of professional courtesy. (Argus Hamilton)

      A plane flew into restricted airspace on Friday. As a precaution,
      Obama was taken to a secure location, a place no one knew existed —
      Joe Biden's office. (Jay Leno)

      The Pentagon revealed Tuesday that waterboarding an al-Qaeda suspect
      prevented a terrorist attack on the Los Angeles Library Building
      several years ago. They continued to waterboard him because they
      didn't think he was telling them the truth. It was two months before
      they would believe there was a library in Los Angeles. (Argus Hamilton)

      Some government idiot thought it would be a great idea to buzz New
      York in a 747 to get pictures for a brochure showing Air Force One.
      But they didn't tell anyone. A lot of people were
      panicked and evacuated. What's the government's next big idea? Send
      some guy in a pirate costume to Capt. Richard Phillips' house? (Jay

      The White House was locked down Friday after a Cessna flew into
      restricted air space. The pilot faces serious fines. As soon as the
      Democrats took office they restricted the air space over Washington to
      protect the birds from being struck by planes. (Argus Hamilton)



      It's happening more and more. The New Hampshire Senate now has passed
      a bill that would legalize same-sex marriage in New Hampshire. So, New
      Hampshire could go from the Granite State to the Tasteful Marble
      Countertop State. (Jay Leno)


      NASA & SPACE

      NASA is scrapping its long-time plans to build a base on the moon. The
      space agency just doesn't have a credit raring high enough to get a
      mortgage. (Jake Novak)


      Over 100 countries agreed on a U. N. declaration to combat intolerance
      worldwide — unless it's aimed at Miss California. (Todd Long)


      Mexico City's soccer stadium was empty by national order during
      Sunday's match due to swine flu. It's all the news. There were two
      thousand cases in Mexico and seventy cases in California, which means
      that the border fence is working pretty good. (Argus Hamilton)

      Everyone in Mexico right now looks like Michael Jackson with those
      face masks they're wearing. (Jimmy Kimmel)




      French first lady Carla Bruni's former lover's apartment was hit
      Tuesday by thieves who stole old sexually intimate videos of her. She
      should have known she couldn't keep those videos private forever.
      Under socialism you must share everything. (Argus Hamilton)


      Hillary Clinton advised Afghans Thursday to grow pomegranate trees to
      replace their heroin crops. Actually, they should grow pomegranate
      trees to protect their heroin crops. Democrats would never aerial-
      spray the poppy fields as long as they were holding pomegranate trees
      hostage, not even the Navy Seals have that good an aim. (Argus Hamilton)

      IRAQ & IRAN

      In a new interview, Iranian President Ahmadinejad complained Obama's
      not returning his messages. Hello — maybe he's just not that into you.
      (Craig Ferguson)


      Despite the fact that there is no evidence any human has contacted
      swine flu from contact with a pig, the Egyptian government has
      announced the it will slaughter 300,000 pigs. When questioned about
      this, an Egyptian official said, "Well, it will just be much cheaper
      than the one million straight-jackets we had to make for the mad
      cows." (Dora Glasberg)


      The economy is bad. It's so bad, third graders in China are being
      forced to take second jobs. (Jay Leno)


      The Taliban advanced in Pakistan Tuesday as the U. S. and Britain
      weighed military options. It's a zero-sum game. If we win, they'll
      have to let women commit adultery on television shows, and if they
      win, they'll only be allowed to commit it under blankets. (Argus


      Thousands of women in Kenya have vowed to withhold sex until their
      nation's leaders stop their bickering. The women said they got the
      idea after a recent visit by Hillary Clinton. (Jay Leno)



      Researchers have found that eating fatty foods can help boost a
      person's memory. Nature always has a way to balance itself, because
      you lose memory when you smoke pot but you regain it with the
      munchies. (Pedro Bartes)

      Scientists have cloned dogs, dogs that glow in the dark. Why? They've
      made it easier for Michael Vick to find them now. (Craig Ferguson)


      Al Gore testified before Congress on Earth Day Wednesday about the
      need to save the planet from global warming. Democrats don't have a
      monopoly on love for the planet. Every Earth Day the Republicans used
      recycled water on the terror suspects at Guantanamo. (Argus Hamilton)


      Michael Phelps will unveil his new freestyle stroke May 14. I predict
      he'll come out smoking. (Scott Ostler)

      Lost: one celebrated bra among the legal briefs. The black sports
      model that Brandi Chastain so famously flashed at the 1999 World Cup
      was seized when the Sports Museum of America in New York declared
      Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Adding further insult, Chastain said she was
      told she'd have to pay $250 plus shipping to get her donated exhibit
      out of mothballs. She replied, "Thank goodness I have another
      one." (The Wall Street Journal)

      A 9-year-old girl playing sandlot baseball in Portland was
      miraculously rescued by her playmates after she plunged about 20 feet
      when an old septic system gave way while she was running to first
      base. Or to put it in baseball terms, she went deep in the hole.
      (Dwight Perry)

      Rachel Pitt and Garry Keates got married in London on Sunday — but not
      until they ran the first 24 miles of the London Marathon and took a
      detour into St. Bride's Church.Upon taking their vows, they completed
      the final 2.2 miles running hand-in-hand. Pitt, a first-time
      marathoner, told said "There were moments when I just wanted to go
      home and wondered why we'd put ourselves through this. It's been the
      best day of my life, but I'll never do it again." (London Daily Mail)

      The makers of M&M's announced that the popular candy is now available
      in the colors of all 30 NBA teams. Enhancing the authenticity, the
      Clippers M&M's even melt in your hands. (Dwight Perry)

      The Detroit Lions signed Georgia's Matthew Stafford to a seventy-eight
      million dollar deal for six years. The contract is not guaranteed for
      the top pick in the draft. Nobody can be absolutely sure there will
      still be a Detroit six years from now. (Argus Hamilton)

      On the very campus where they filmed the 1978 classic, life imitated
      art this week when the University of Oregon's third-ranked Ultimate
      Frisbee club team — already on double-secret probation — had the plug
      pulled on its season for playing rival Oregon State in the nude, the
      Eugene Register-Guard reported. The team was already in trouble for
      getting four speeding tickets on its way to a competition at Stanford
      and for serving alcohol to underage students. A five-student board
      upheld the ban despite team co-captain Dusty Becker's assertion that
      "speeding, drinking, nudity — they're not bad things. They're things a
      big portion of the community doesn't think are wrong." Added Steve
      Kenton, the other co-captain: "I came to the UO to play Frisbee. That
      may sound silly, but a lot of people do." On the bright side, at least
      Dean Wormer didn't threaten to call their draft boards first thing
      Monday morning. (Dwight Perry)

      The New York Yankees slashed the price of their twenty-five hundred
      dollar box seats. Nobody wanted to be seen sitting in such splendor.
      The only faster way to be dragged in front of Barney Frank is to be
      named People magazine's Sexist Man Alive. (Argus Hamilton)

      The New York Yankees cut in half the price of those twenty-five
      hundred dollar seats Tuesday. Nobody sat in them during the first
      homestand. The Yankees are playing so badly the seats are only worth
      twenty-five hundred dollars if they face the other way. (Argus Hamilton)

      Yankee Stadium's premium priced seats that sell between $500-2,600
      have been going mostly empty this season. Mostly because the only
      people who make enough money to afford them are the Yankees. (Jim

      The trainer of a soccer team in Bolivia says he prescribed Viagra to
      at least nine players in order to help them play better in high
      altitudes. I don’t know if they are going to be able to score during
      the game, but after the game… no doubt! (Pedro Bartes)

      Tennis star, Andy Roddick married swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker. They
      met through their agent. But it's more romantic. He dated her on
      Facebook where he upgraded her to a relationship, he tweeted that he
      loved her on Twitter, but he proposed the old fashioned way: E-mail.
      (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Kentucky Derby field Saturday will include a filly owned by
      Dubai's Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid. She's well-trained. The jockey is
      under instruction not go to the whip unless the filly is seen in
      public with a stallion that's not a family member. (Argus Hamilton)

      Michael Vick was offered a contract by the Arena Football League next
      month when he leaves prison. He won't need the job. Michael Vick could
      become a national hero by arranging swine fights until the pig
      population's no longer a threat to public health. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Kentucky Derby will be run on Saturday. The owner of the winning
      thoroughbred gets a 7-figure purse. The winning thoroughbred gets some
      hay. (Alan Ray)

      During the first round of the NBA playoffs Monday, the Denver Nuggets
      defeated the New Orleans Hornets 121-63; a 58 point win. In the middle
      of the fourth quarter, the New Orleans Arena was so empty and quiet
      you could hear the Hornets players asking when football season
      starts. (Jerry Perisho)


      The movie "Knowing" won the weekend box office with $24.8 million. Or
      as it's called at AIG, a junior executive bonus. (Jimmy Fallon)

      "Wolverine" is out in theaters this weekend. The guy with the
      extremely powerful claws suffers a near fatal injury. He gets a case
      of poison ivy. (Alan Ray)

      “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”, the big blockbuster movie about a mutant
      superhero, didn’t open in Mexico Monday because of the swine flu.
      Wolverine had the sniffles and the theater had that new “Sneeze-o-
      Vision” technology, where an on-screen sneeze actually sprays the
      audience. Wow, bad timing. (Jerry Perisho)

      "Battle for Terra" is out in theaters this weekend. A peaceful planet
      of aliens is threatened with annihilation by humans from earth. They
      attempt to build a chain of fast food restaurants. (Alan Ray)

      Variety reported Saturday that the William Morris Agency of Beverly
      Hills will merge with Endeavor and combine their roster of
      entertainment clients. Business is booming at the agencies. They get
      ten percent of all their clients' unemployment checks. (Argus Hamilton)


      Sean Hannity told Charles Grodin during his show that he would get
      waterboarded for charity. Rupert Murdock is concerned; he’s afraid
      Hannity might end up confessing that Fox news is not that Fair and
      Balance. (Pedro Bartes)

      MSNBC's Keith Olbermann is offering to donate $1000 for every second
      Sean Hannity endures being waterboarded after the Fox News host
      promised in his show to do it for charity. If the money goes to the
      troops, we all have to be sure Hannity stays at least 30 minutes under
      water. (Pedro Bartes)

      Simon Cowell says a couple once offered him $150,000 to critique their
      sex. Unfortunately for Simon, the couple was Ryan Seacrest and Klay
      Aken. (Pedro Bartes)

      Fox became the first broadcast network to turn down a request by
      President Barack Obama for time, opting to show its drama "Lie to Me."
      Apparently “Lie to Me” is exactly what the Fox audience wants. (Pedro

      The New York Times and Detroit Free Press won Pulitzer Prizes for
      their coverage of political sex scandals. Thank goodness there is
      still enough real news to take our minds off the bad economy and two
      wars we are still fighting. (Jim Barach)


      Jay Leno is still a little steamed at the doctor. When Leno checked
      into the emergency room, the attending doctor asked; "So why the long
      face? " (Alex Kaseberg)

      Madonna was voted the Hardest Working Mother in show business. I don’t
      think Madonna should trust this poll because Britney finished second
      and Octomom third. She can’t wait to share the award with her kids
      next month from 7PM to 7:10 PM when she gets to see them (Pedro Bartes)

      There's talk circulating that Britney Spears is pregnant again.
      Apparently, some people noticed she was wearing underwear, which is a
      sign that she’s afraid the kid would pop up unexpectedly. (Pedro Bartes)

      Paula Abdul says that she has "never been drunk". Apparently her
      behavior on "American Idol" can be attributed to pain pills, cough
      syrup and airplane model glue. (Jim Barach)

      Actress Mia Farrow has announced she's going on a hunger strike to
      show solidarity with the people of Darfur. Why is it always skinny
      people who go on hunger strikes? Why can't we get Michael Moore to go
      on a hunger strike? (Jay Leno)

      Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani has come out against gay marriage.
      Apparently he feels that gays should be limited to planning marriages,
      not taking part in them. (Jim Barach)

      Bernie Madoff turned 71 years old today. That's his first birthday in
      prison — 149 to go. All the guys got together and tapped "Happy
      Birthday" on the pipes. (David Letterman)

      Happy birthday Bernie Madoff. Of course, he can't watch the show. He's
      in jail. What do you get the guy who stole everything? (Craig Ferguson)

      A federal judge has refused to give former Gov. Rod Blagojevich
      permission to travel to Costa Rica to appear in a reality show. He
      pretty much told him, "You're Not a Celebrity and You're Not Getting
      Out of Here." (Doug Austen)

      Elizabeth Edwards's book tells how she felt when the National Enquirer
      followed her husband John Edwards to the Beverly Hilton to meet his
      mistress and love child. She learned the same lesson that Hillary
      Clinton and Princess Diana learned. The best thing about having a
      famous husband is that it saves you a lot of money on detectives.
      (Argus Hamilton)

      The London Times revealed Friday that Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger and
      Elton John lost twenty percent of their net worth last year. They
      didn't make one cent in endorsement fees. Wilfred Brimley beat them
      out for every commercial they read for. (Argus Hamilton)

      Blagojevich's wife, Patti, also has been approached to appear on "I'm
      a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!" But she's holding off until she
      hears back from "Wife Swap." (Paul Seaburn)

      Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is dating Michael Phelps. He's said
      to be conflicted. At the same time he also loves Mary Jane. (Alan Ray)

      The father of one of the child stars of "Slumdog Millionaire" is being
      accused of trying to sell her for $400,000. To which Macaulay Culkin's
      father says he would have held out for a half million. (Jim Barach)

      Kim Kardashian shocked her fans today with a blonde wig. Then she
      admitted that her butt is actually an old Buick. (Craig Ferguson)

      Kelly McGillis has confirmed long-running rumors that she's gay. The
      rumors lasted so long because the headline read, "Star of Top Gun
      Comes Out of Closet" and everyone just assume, well, you know. (Todd


      The high school dropout rate is declining in some big cities. Finally
      the teachers having sex with their students idea seems to be working.
      (Pedro Bartes)


      The Catholic Church is planning on boycotting the upcoming "Da Vinci
      Code" sequel "Angels & Demons." They plan to air their own movie that
      they say more accurately depicts Jesus — "He's Just Not That Into
      Jews." (Jimmy Fallon)

      A church in Melbourne, Florida that holds its Sunday services in an
      elementary school may get evicted because of a recent series of
      sermons titled "Great Sex for You". School officials say it's not
      right for the church to be discussing this on campus. They say good
      sex should remain between a teacher and his favorite student. (Jerry



      The Moonlite Bunny Ranch announced they’ve offered Rod Blogajovich an
      "apprenticeship" at their legal house of ill repute. That’s an insult
      for the former governor; he’s got more experience screwing people than
      any of the whores they have working there. (Pedro Bartes)


      I thought it was interesting that GM is now offering job-loss
      insurance on their cars... so that if you lose your job after you buy
      your GM car, they'll make the payments for you! The interesting part
      is that GM employees are not allowed to take part. I'm not feeling the
      confidence. (Tim Hunter)

      GM is phasing out Pontiac. I guess that means another $20 million
      bonus for the head of GM. (David Letterman)

      Ford posted a $1.4 Billion first quarter loss. While GM and Chrysler
      are going under after receiving $17.4 Billion in government loans,
      Ford can be satisfied in knowing they are going broke all by
      themselves. (Jim Barach)

      G. M.'s massive restructuring plan reportedly includes plant closures
      and changes to its eight brands. Also, no more throwing in the
      undercoating for free. (Todd Long)

      Chrysler filed for bankruptcy today. But, actually, President Obama
      said Chrysler was forced to file for bankruptcy because even though
      the unions and the banks had agreed to make sacrifices, a small group
      of hedge fund managers refused to help out. Boy, where is that
      waterboarding when you really need it? (Jay Leno)

      GM is going to shit down most of its plants for nine weeks during the
      summer. The sad part is that they will be just as productive during
      that time as they are now. (Jim Barach)

      Warren Buffett holds his annual shareholders meeting in Omaha this
      weekend for his Berkshire Hathaway company. He's rapidly regaining all
      the money he lost last year. Two weeks before the swine flu outbreak
      he invested in Get Well cards. (Argus Hamilton)

      American pork plants are requiring workers to shower and change
      clothes in an attempt to contain swine flu. Kind of makes you hope for
      an outbreak of "cab driver flu." (Todd Long)


      The timing of this Mexican swine flu is just perfect. On Cinco de
      Mayo, when the kids swing the bat and crack open the piñata, doses of
      Tamiflu will come flying out. The kids will be chasing and injecting
      each other; oh it will be a lot of fun. (Jerry Perisho)



      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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